Eighty_nine Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 I don't know that my boyfriend has cheated on me but I just found out he's lied- about cheating in past relationships, about seeing other girls when we first started dating (which is ok, but lying isn't), about talking to some girl (like, saying hi etc) on facebook. I don't think I can be with him anymore. I really care and I actually don't believe he's cheated (it's only been five months) but I believe he WOULD. And that's all I need to know to know its over. I'm very sad, but I'm a bridesmaid in my friends wedding tomorrow. I told him to come still (I don't want to cause any drama at my friends wedding) & we'll talk more it about it sunday. But how do I get through the next day knowing my relationship is over?
preraph Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 You'll just have to put a smile on your face and be polite to him and try to be normal with everyone else. Sorry to hear it. That sucks. 2
sunshine2 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Yes, just go to the wedding and act normal and then let him know that because he has lied you can't trust him and you need to move on. I had a BF who lied a lot. Some people can do it so easily and not think about the consequences. It's just the way they are. My X BF lied to me right from the start, and then it just got worse. It probably won't get better with him either and the trust is just not there after you find out. I'm so sorry you are going through this, but hopefully the wedding will be fun and you will be able to enjoy it even though you know you will be breaking up with your BF after. Its great that you have your boundaries and know that this isn't right for you!
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 I empathize with your situation, OP. I've been through it before, and, it hurts to know that the person you love or care about has been lying to you - even if the lie is about something that's not detrimental to the relationship; because it's the lie ITSELF that is important and it can lead to other lies. As far as tomorrow is concerned, just hold your head up high, smile and focus ALL of your energy and attention on your FRIEND, who is getting married! You're going to have to put on the Academy Award performance of the year. AFTER the wedding is over and you are both alone again back at home, then you can say to him what you want to say...and try to be as emotionally strong as you can be (which will be difficult but better for you in that moment). Good luck with this very heartbreaking decision that you've made. But, in retrospect, you'll realize that you've done the right thing by breaking up with him. Trust is something that is VERY hard to get back in a person that you're in a relationship with; if not damn near impossible. .
ascendotum Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 I bet lots of people do this. Lie about not cheating or some saying they have been cheated on numerous times for sympathy or to justify their insecure/controlling behavior or reluctance to commit. Its a bit harder to pull of when you're young and still knock around with the same crowd that know all your secrets/relationship dramas, but as you get older and hangout with different social circles and par down your old friends, people can tell their relationship history whatever way. You know the ol 'the past is the past' and its not your business routine some have. I don't necessarily blame someone for not spilling their guts on cheating on past partners but at the same time they are hiding part of their true nature that doesn't paint them in a good light. I totally get why you are disappointed, and pissed off if he denied having cheated when in fact he did. If its the later then you could assume he has no remorse for doing the dirty on his past gfs, and could also very easily continue to deceive you when it comes to sleeping with another woman on the side down the track. I'm sure he will plead how he's a changed man now and learnt his lesson and didn't want you to get the wrong idea about him.
Buddhist Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 I'm a bridesmaid in my friends wedding tomorrow. I told him to come still (I don't want to cause any drama at my friends wedding) & we'll talk more it about it sunday. But how do I get through the next day knowing my relationship is over? To be honest. I wouldn't have him there. You want to be able to focus on your friend and her wedding not constantly look at your boyfriend and feel all upset because you're about to dump him. Get him out of the picture for that day, he won't care, men hate weddings anyway. Enjoy your day with your friend, drink plenty and forget about your cares until you actually have to face it. 3
Author Eighty_nine Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 I wish focusing on the wedding was a real option for me, but I won't be able to have any fun, not with a broken heart. I really envy people who can put stuff out of their mind and enjoy things, but I cant, not when in so much pain. So tomorrow will just be about holding it together for me. He pretty much knows it's over so I wouldn't be surprised if he decides not to come. He seemed upset and said he'd do whatever it takes to prove he's devoted to me but his words lacked real intention to do that. I'm sure I'll be up all night too, can't help thinking that what I thought was a great relairionship was just a waste of 5 months.
Leigh 87 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Well he wasn't that into you to begin with sorry, if he was still seeing other people. The long term happy couples I know of were head over heels from day dot and they NEVER went and stuffed about with other people:sick: Seems like he wanted to see if you would grow on him and you did clearly; just doesn't seem like he was that sold on you to begin with. What makes you think he would cheat if he hasn't already?
Author Eighty_nine Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 Well he wasn't that into you to begin with sorry, if he was still seeing other people. The long term happy couples I know of were head over heels from day dot and they NEVER went and stuffed about with other people:sick: Seems like he wanted to see if you would grow on him and you did clearly; just doesn't seem like he was that sold on you to begin with. What makes you think he would cheat if he hasn't already? Ok, I was also seeing another person in the beginning and blew him off a bit for that, so again this theory of yours is wrong. This is about him seeming to have a pattern of lying to girlfriends and people like this will always lie and probably cheat. I'd be surprised but not shocked if he's already cheated after what I found out today.
Leigh 87 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Ok, I was also seeing another person in the beginning and blew him off a bit for that, so again this theory of yours is wrong. This is about him seeming to have a pattern of lying to girlfriends and people like this will always lie and probably cheat. I'd be surprised but not shocked if he's already cheated after what I found out today. Why do you think he cheats though? Is he a limerence junkie? Once the newness and initial high dissipates is he apt at "falling" for others? The painful thing is I am sure you are at a loss as to why he did such things. As a person who never does that to others - my first thought would be : " well, if that is how he has handled himself (cheating and lying about it), we are simply different people with different values; not a good long term match even if he HAS NOT cheated" I feel so awful for you and am sad you're going through such a hurtful time. A wedding is the LAST thing I would want to go to under these circumstances.
Million.to.1 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 I'd be surprised but not shocked if he's already cheated after what I found out today. what was it you found out specifically?
Author Eighty_nine Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 (edited) what was it you found out specifically? A girl added him on Facebook a couple of months ago and within a few days they weren't friends anymore, I somehow noticed this. He said it was someone he used to work with and he didn't know why she added then deleted him. I asked if they'd dated and he said yeah, a long time ago. Today when he admitted cheating on an exgf, he said it was with that girl. So I said- you just added her on fb a couple months ago, did you talk to her? He said clearly that he didn't. But then when pressed he said "well i talked to her as in said hi, how are you, but I didn't TALK-talk to her in a romantic way" something to that effect. But I clearly asked him if he'd spoken to her at all. He pretended like he didn't understand the question and I know he knew what I was asking. I don't know what even made him decide to tell me the truth about it. So yeah, at first I was just mad he lied about talking to her but as I type this, Im more sure that he did also cheat or at least attempt to cheat. It's so messed up too because we were so happy, he was so good, loving and attentive to me, interested in my family and friends, wanted commitment, said I love you first, etc. there were no red flags other than intuition and him not wanting to talk about exes, but I thought that was kind of normal. Really have no idea how ill ever trust again after this one & my ex. I guess in this case I should be glad I've only invested 5 months in this. Edited March 21, 2015 by lissvarna
ascendotum Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 I wouldn't call what you just described as 'he lied a lot'. I thought it was a case of him saying he has never cheated and you caught up with an old acquaintance of his, who filled you on how he cheated on a number of his exes plus a bunch of other lies. Seems he came clean on cheating on his own volition. The lie basically was over how much he chatted to the ex who was on FB for a few days. In a really good relationship otherwise it seems a bit drastic to dump him for having a catch up 'hi how are you' chat with an old colleague/ex. You don't really know what they talked about but you saw she was deleted within a few days so I'd be surprised if anything sinister went down. I get that he said he didn't chat initially but it could have easily been a knee jerk reaction to having a gf quiz you about an ex popping up on FB. 2
Author Eighty_nine Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 Well, this is a girl he cheated on his ex with, so while all that might be true, seeing them add/delete each other within a few days and then the lie about talking to her really worry me. He lied and said he hadn't talked to her a couple moths ago when this firs happened, too. And then when we first started dating, he said he was spending the day with coworkers when he really went to Canada for a date with another girl, who he slept with, and then had me over the next day. This was very early on and we were not exclusive (I was sort of seeing someone else too), so this lie Im not too upset about. But combined with lying about never having cheated and this thing with the girl on Facebook, it feels like a lot of lies.
Hopeful30 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 You just have to pull through. It sucks but it is what it is. Be strong for one more day
Buddhist Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 (edited) can't help thinking that what I thought was a great relairionship was just a waste of 5 months. Wait! This is only 5 months old? What's the drama? You barely know each other this should be an easy walk. Hardly worth a single nights drinking over. Didn't say you should block it out completely, I don't think I could do that either. But him being there is like torturing yourself, you will have no chance not to think about it every second with him being in your face like that. High chance as well that he'll spring some surprise drama on you and ruin the evening especially as you say, he knows it's over. Save yourself at least from that embarrassment. Edited March 21, 2015 by Buddhist 1
Author Eighty_nine Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 It was a cakewalk, til now. Everything flowed, was good and easy. He told me he loved me three months in, I made he mistake of believing him. I'm just heartbroken.
Million.to.1 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 I dunno Liss, I also think breaking it off may be a bit of a knee jerk reaction. Who knows... maybe the girl on FB added him and once she realised he was in a relationship, deleted him. He really hasn't done anything wrong at this point. Why don't you just ask him straight up or ask to read the conversation so you know for sure? 3
smackie9 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 It doesn't matter if he cheated or not. There is no sense in committing to someone who finds lying to your SO is an acceptable way to communicate. I disagree he hasn't done anything wrong...... he can't seem to tell the truth, which creates doubt, mistrust and hurt. 1
Versacehottie Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I'm not sure that you are processing this all right now. I don't know that people are supposed to be brutally honest with each other about dating right at the beginning (when it's ok that they are dating others as well). White lie necessary perhaps. Lying might be a little strong. I just don't want you to make a mistake or get rid of a guy expecting him to be perfect. No one is perfect. Sleep on it, think about it calmly and talk to him about it. See if you can come to something in discussion that will make you have a better understanding of each other. Good luck 2
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