contact1 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 (edited) I think one of the issues that may come up, in dancer's mind, is that it will come up as to why the marriage is ending, or is likely to. If she says "it just didn't work out between us" and than later discloses that what lead to the marriage separation was in fact an affair, the man might think he was lie to, even if it was through omission. On the same note though, I understand how having an affair can put a very negative label on you. A person that is very serious in a LTR, would want to know what went wrong so it doesn't happen again. It's a tough situation, and I honestly don't know what would be the best thing to do, whether to be openly honestly later in the relationship, or to keep that part of your life hidden. For me, if I ever found out a person I was with did in fact had an affair, be it by my own or them disclosing it to me openly, I don't think I could be with them, due to how strongly I feel against any kind of affairs. I have always believed that if you are not happy in a relationship and are considering someone else, leave first and than seek the other. I'm not trying to condemn or judge your actions dancer, I have done things in my past some would find as awful, everyone has some flaws in them. But for me, with commitment in a relationship being such a huge core importance to me, so much that if an affair ever happened, no matter what, even if I had been with the person for over 20 years, had children, and home and such, I would end it right than and there. That's how strongly I feel to that aspect and to me, it would be an automatic deal breaker. Funny enough, if they had been in jail before and but were now doing better, I would be okay with that, go figure Edited March 21, 2015 by contact1 typo
TheGuard13 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 This is one of those "cultural hot button issues" that people should get out in the open fairly early on. Preferably when you start discussing past relationships. Not everyone is going to want to be with someone who has had an affair or cheated, and not everyone is going to think that's the end of the world. People deserve to know who they are dating. That's how people find out whether they're compatible or not.
elaine567 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Someone who has cheated is seen as a very bad risk, it is a huge red flag and I have a feeling that a cheating woman is also less tolerated by men, than a cheating man is by women. Boys will be boys, women are "whores". So you disclose and I guess you will not see that man for dust, whenever you choose to tell him, or he sticks around and uses you as a easy lay, or as a stop gap till he can find a woman he can respect. Say nothing.
TheGuard13 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 This seems to be a common theme in relationships. "I fear being judged, and so will protect myself by saying nothing at the outset of the relationship", and then the other person finds out anyway at some point or other and the relationship dissolves in misery for various reasons. Own your mistakes and your life experiences. They made you what you are, and they will impact you in the future. 1
Hopeful30 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Why do you feel the need to tell him at all? Are you still feeling guilty about it? If a conversation leads to that, the by all means be honest and talk about your experiences. I sense that you may feel obligated to tell him about it. Why?
blackcat777 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Our experiences shape who we are... for better or worse. I had two skeletons in my closet (not an affair) that I decided to share with my man about six months into our relationship. I could have gone my whole life without telling him and he'd PROBABLY never know, but I was starting to have the same feeling, questioning whether or not to omit. I decided to be honest because I wanted that to be the tone of our relationship. I also explained what I learned from my experiences and how I'd never do the same things again. He didn't judge me at all; he appreciated my honesty and vulnerability with him. Then, he turned around and told me two things, one of which I figured, one which I never would have guessed. In the right spirit, I think honestly sharing the less illustrious moments of your past can build intimacy. We're all human. It's definitely never something I would divulge while casually dating, for many reasons, and I feel perfectly justified in that. 1
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