compulsivedancer Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Too soon and it'll scare a guy off. Too late, and he'll be mad that I was keeping secrets. Link to post Share on other sites
sunshine2 Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Need more details. Affair within a marriage/committed relationship? How long ago was it. How long have you been dating? Details we need details! Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Too soon and it'll scare a guy off. Too late, and he'll be mad that I was keeping secrets. Why the hell is your past private life an open book? I presume you are talking about a guy you've just met. Newsflash your past is your past, not something you have to tell the world. No man will ever tell you everything in his past, and that's just fine because everyone's got a right to privacy. Why are women so screwed in the head that they think they have to expose every possible piece of data to be considered for a relationship? It's thinking like this that just makes women walking victims in relationships. There is such a thing in life as boundaries. Women are allowed to have them and in the human society in which we live, boundaries are a necessity. Yet I continually meet women who have none at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 (edited) I would not divulge the details until you're having a conversation about exclusivity and your previous failure to maintain your loyalty. A reasonably degree of selfishness and secrecy for things that do not matter when someone decides to pursue a relationship is acceptable. Deception by omission is still manipulation because lack of data can yield an uninformed rationale. Edited March 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 It's in the past. I'm not sure why you think somebody you're just getting to know should be told this information. I'd wait until you know it's becoming a serious relationship. And let him tell you something really personal about himself first. If the relationship never gets to that point then you did the right thing by keeping it to yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 There should be a progressive, mutual deepening of intimacy. The pace may depend on the individuals, but it should be reciprocal. When he's sharing about his relationship history, that's a sign. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted March 21, 2015 Author Share Posted March 21, 2015 Sorry, I used to post frequently on the infidelity forum and forget that many people here don't know my story. I'll try to keep it short. About two and a half years ago, my STBXH and I discussed having an open relationship. I asked him if I could sleep with his good friend. He thought that was a great idea at first and even met with the guy so they could talk about it. Eventually, he said no, but OM and I were pretty invested in the idea by then and ended up gradually building into an affair. H discovered the affair about two years ago, we tried to reconcile and it ultimately didn't work out, in part because of my feelings for OM. We separated in Oct. We are not legally divorced yet, but we have no plans to reconcile, and he is okay with me dating. I am not really dating anyone yet, but I recently joined the OLD bandwagon, so I'm trying to figure some of this stuff out in advance. Obviously I wouldn't tell a guy on a first date, but I'm not sure at what point he would need to know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Why does he need to know about your past affair? If that relationship is over, it is not an obstacle for your current boyfriend to worry about. I never discuss my past relationships with men I date, unless there's a reason to. I don't know why you feel the need to disclose your past affair, unless you are worried that your past affair partner will come back into your life to try to contact you again? Leave your past in the past, unless it serves a purpose in the present. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Did the past affair occur in your current relationship, or did it happen in the past in a prior relationship? If it occurred in your current relationship, you should come clean and let him know, even if it means that he'll most likely break up with you. It's better to be honest with someone that you're in a relationship with about a betrayal you've committed because they have a right to know what you have done; especially if they're being sexually faithful to you. If this past affair occurred in a prior relationship, you could either tell your current beau about how you tend to not be sexually faithful in relationships or decide not to tell him something that important and hope that he never finds out. If I was dating a guy or about to enter a relationship with him, I'd certainly want to know if he ever cheated on anyone he has ever been with! Yes, people have a right to their privacy, but if they have a tendency to not remain sexually faithful with whoever they're with, then that's something the other person would definitely want to know. Sometimes, a person is unfaithful in their prior relationship(s) but when they enter into a new relationship, they remain sexually faithful with their current partner for the duration of their relationship. When this is the case, then the other person should probably not be told because if they knew about their partner's prior transgressions, the bond of trust they have with them could be irretrievably broken. I mean, everyone has their reasons for not divulging their past mistakes to their current partner - especially if it's relationship-related. If a person decides to lie by omission with their current partner about negative things they've done to other people in their past, then that's something they'll have to carry inside of them forever. If they decide to lie by omission to their current partner about a betrayal that they've done to them, then that person possesses no integrity, no honesty and is not to be trusted - EVER. . Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted March 21, 2015 Author Share Posted March 21, 2015 I don't know why you feel the need to disclose your past affair, unless you are worried that your past affair partner will come back into your life to try to contact you again? No worries about OM contacting me, but the affair was pretty widely disclosed, so all of my friends and family know. Eventually it will come out. I would prefer not to lie to someone I'm dating or have him feel lied to because I left out something so big. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Tell your friends and family to shut it. He doesn't need to know the details. If he finds out, why would he have to know it wasn't just a post-separation fling? The bigger issue is you are still married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 No worries about OM contacting me, but the affair was pretty widely disclosed, so all of my friends and family know. Eventually it will come out. I would prefer not to lie to someone I'm dating or have him feel lied to because I left out something so big. Then I wouldn't disclose that information until you have established trust, respect, and emotional intimacy with a new partner. By that time, when those three things have been solidified, it will be safe to share that information with your partner because he will show you compassion and empathy for going through that experience, respect for telling him at the right time, and trust you that the affair is in your past, and not in your present. The only person we can trust is ourself. I definitely wouldn't use it as 'ice breaker' conversation over a 1st date coffee meetup. "Oh by the way, I had an a affair. Do you want whole milk or skim with your frappucino?" It's private information to be saved until you meet the next romantic partner in your life. Until that happens, it's not necessary to bring up in casual conversation on your dates. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted March 21, 2015 Author Share Posted March 21, 2015 The bigger issue is you are still married. Yeah, but this is fairly easy to disclose. Link to post Share on other sites
lgspot Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Dancer, Do not mention it until you've established an exclusive relationship with an interest in long-term. If the cheating within relationships issue comes up in conversation (and it will), steer clear. Your history is yours and private. To be honest, most online guys are more interested in getting into your pants than be concerned with who has been there before. They know you're separated with divorce pending. That's enough. There's a thread going now about dating after affair. Read that and you'll see how biased some people are. Good dating luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 No worries about OM contacting me, but the affair was pretty widely disclosed, so all of my friends and family know. Eventually it will come out. I would prefer not to lie to someone I'm dating or have him feel lied to because I left out something so big. I was wondering why you were choosing this route...for a moment I thought "do some people actually take responsibility for the things they've done and don't try to sweep them under the past is the past rug to excuse themselves from any guilt or shame?" Oh well...maybe next time. But yes, not until it's a serious relationship or it has potential or heading down that road...I wouldn't just announce it to the world, although your whole world already knows. If you truly want a man to accept you for the good and bad...then give him the choice to. But this will give you a good opportunity to exercise integrity...something most people tend to avoid and instead manipulate or shape others opinions, based on how they choose or desire to be perceived. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 I'd listen to writergal on this one. Openness and honesty are two different things. Don't offer the information until or unless it's necessary. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 If you become "involved" with a new man but are still emotionally involved and seeing your AP, then you are starting this new relationship already as a cheater if it progresses to exclusivity. You don't owe any sordid details but if you are seeing someone else you should not let your new oerson think you are headed to exclusivity. Right now you probably just date casually so you owe no explanations. You seem to want to have an open relationship when married. Now that is something a new boyfriemd should know BEFORE it gets too serious. You don't let someone fall for you and THEN tell them you'd like to also sleep with other men So you don't need to spill your guts to new guys at once but you do need to decide what type of relationship you want Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 It's in the past. I'm not sure why you think somebody you're just getting to know should be told this information. I agree, why keep punishing yourself and living with a scarlet letter.. sooner or later you need to realize that it is self destructive to keep bringing up the past that was placed and you moved on from... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ManyDissapoint Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 (edited) Depends on the circumstances of your affair I guess. Did you learn and change after it? What drove you to the affair? I would want to know if I'm dating a time bomb, and of course my partner's history plays into that. Edited March 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Correct answer: Never. As soon as you do, you will be judged solely on that piece of information that you have offered all on your own. What's important is that you have learned from it, grown, and won't ever do it again. That's why you NEVER tell a new person all the details about your past. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Revolver Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 My line of thinking is, if this woman would cheat on another guy why wouldn't she do the same thing to me? What makes me so special? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 This is one of those things that's not near as complicated as it seems imo. Tell him when it feels right. That's what we have intuition for. You seem pretty sensible, so I'm sure you can judge when/if the time's right. Obvs examples of what not to do are lead with the info on a first date or tell him the night of your honeymoon. Pretty much everything in between is subjective. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 our past behaviors are a guide post , rarely can it be said that our past doesn't matter. it matters greatly. its called a reputation. heck we dont blindly vote for someone without knowing their past record and life choices. My suggestion is to open up the conversation early on , this way they aren't feeling manipulated down the line.Its your life story and that fact wont change, might as well own it and be upfront . If they choose to walk away then its validation of their standards, can't begrudge them that option. If they are okay with it then it tells that they are flexible and willing to view the person you are today. Does beg the question though of why would you not tell them? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 (edited) OP, here's a line, though a bit dated, that I found meaningful over the years: "Lewis Bodine: We never found anything on Jack... there's no record of him at all. Old Rose: No, there wouldn't be, would there? And I've never spoken of him until now... Not to anyone... Not even your grandfather... A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets. But now you know there was a man named Jack Dawson and that he saved me... in every way that a person can be saved. I don't even have a picture of him. He exists now... only in my memory" Yep, a script but not without a lot of precedent. In fact, one might look at the person who spoke that line, a person who lived to die at the age of 100, and find she remarried only a couple months after getting a divorce, that back in the 1930's, long before our relatively 'modern' perspectives on love and relationships. What really went on? IDK, she was married for 44 years until her H died. People's hearts are deep oceans of secrets, about a lot of things. Each of us can dispassionately examine our own heart, and mind, but will always be oblivious to those of others, save for what we *believe* and what we *trust*. IMO, there are no absolutes, so my advice is to do what you feel is healthy for you and whatever happens, happens. Edited March 21, 2015 by carhill Saturday morning math problems Link to post Share on other sites
lgspot Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 (edited) No worries about OM contacting me, but the affair was pretty widely disclosed, so all of my friends and family know. Eventually it will come out. I would prefer not to lie to someone I'm dating or have him feel lied to because I left out something so big. Even if/when the affair comes out, in the big picture it is such a small factor in who you are as a person. There are many more facets to your life and to the person who is compulsivedancer. A past affair need not define who you are. As for it being "something so big," in many ways it is only as big as you allow it to be. I think it's good that you had LS to disclose and vent. I feel you seeing the reactions how emotional and bitter some people become surrounding affairs has proven educational. It's who you are today that truly matters. I know several people who have had affairs and many years later have not had another and no intentions of repeating. Your desire for honesty is admirable. Follow your instincts to the timing. Or, make it easy--have T- shirts printed and wear em on dates HAPPY DATING!!! Edited March 21, 2015 by lgspot 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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