orangetree Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Hi, I'm aware that my thread def isn't very important, but I'd just like to hear some opinions. So my boyfriend (almost 3 years together, live together, he's almost 31, I'm 27) and I had to do some stuff today- I had to pay a bill at the dentist, he had to do some paperwork at an office and we had to go to the bank. So we went by car, first to the dentist office. I told him I'll just need 5 min to pay the bill, he said 'Sure', I'll park here and wait for you outside'. I said okay, left my jacket and purse (including phone and money) in the car and entered the dentist office. I paid my bill, and less than 5 min later I was outside again. Well, my boyfriend was gone. I looked around a bit to see if he has parked somewhere else, but nothing. So he was gone with all my stuff and hasn't told me a thing. He then came back over 20 minutes later- So I was standing there for more than 20 min not knowing what's going on, without a phone to call him. He knew my jacket and purse were in the car, because I left both on the copilot's seat. He parked and got off the car and I was quite pissed, asking him where he went and why he just left without telling me anything, leaving me where without all my stuff. I didn't yell, but you could see I was upset. He immediately got really pissed, looked at me like I was crazy and said 'Oh my god, you're being ridiculous- I just went to the office to get the paperwork done'. I said 'Didn't we say we're doing that together after the dentist office? I told you it will just take 5 min and you said you'll wait outside for me and then you just leave without saying anything, with all my stuff'. He just got more pissed, turned around in that moment and went back to the car, I followed him and said 'You're the one getting pissed now? A short sorry would have been nice and it would have been okay'. He said 'Yea,right, an apology. I didn't do anything wrong. I don't want to talk about this crap now'. Then he literally ignored me for three more hours, didn't say a word, even though we sat next to each other in the car, even though we arrived at home and I was sitting on the bed, looking at him every time he passed by. He didn't even look at me. In the end I was very sad and said 'So you don't even wanna talk to me anymore?' He got pissed again and said in a sarcastic tone 'Yea right, I don't wanna talk. I have to go to work now, bye'. And left without a kiss, or hug or anything. It's been six hours since he left and he hasn't texted or called me. WTF just happened? Did I do anything wrong? He's acting like if I did something really bad! I think it was quite douchey from him to leave me at the dentist without a word, and then HE's the one getting pissed? I don't get that. Any explanations? Thank you.
amaysngrace Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 He's above apologizing to you and now that you've told him you wanted an apology he's going to ignore you. So which thing was the douchey one again because every single thing he did sounds douchey? 1
Author orangetree Posted March 20, 2015 Author Posted March 20, 2015 His reaction honestly makes me wonder if I really did anything wrong- I mean at first I thought I'm totally right to be upset that he left me there without a word, but since he reacted so extreme, didn't apologize and then didn't talk to me anymore makes me question myself, if I exaggerated or so, if he didn't do anything wrong and I just have kept my mouth shut about such a small thing. Plus I got my period today, which doesn't make my mood better, haha. 1
preraph Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 You didn't do anything wrong. He's being a douche. You don't run off and abandon someone with all their stuff with you. He probably left your valuables in the car unattended. He has a really bad attitude like you so don't matter to the point to where you have no right to complain about anything, as if he's doing you a favor being with you. You don't want to live like that, so you've got some work to do to either get him to give you mutual respect or find someone who will. 2
TunaCat Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 I'm in two minds about this whole thing. On the one hand, yes it was douchey of him to just decide to go get the paperwork done while you were in there taking care of the dentist bill. Especially since he didn't even mention that possibility when he dropped you off. On the other hand, it was only a little longer than 20 minutes that you didn't know what was going on. It's not like he was gone for five hours or anything. If you had taken your coat & your purse with you, you could have called and hopefully he would have answered and told you where he was. Should he have told you that he was going to take care of the paperwork and that he'd be back soon? Absolutely. Tell him that. Communicate with him that he should have told you this was his plan prior to dropping you off.
Redhead14 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 His reaction honestly makes me wonder if I really did anything wrong- I mean at first I thought I'm totally right to be upset that he left me there without a word, but since he reacted so extreme, didn't apologize and then didn't talk to me anymore makes me question myself, if I exaggerated or so, if he didn't do anything wrong and I just have kept my mouth shut about such a small thing. Plus I got my period today, which doesn't make my mood better, haha. There could be a couple of things going on here -- first, it could be that he was surprised that you didn't just know that he wouldn't have just plain left you there and never returned. If you trusted him and knew him well enough, you would have just known he wouldn't be long and waited patiently. I suspect panic kinda set in and worst case scenarios crossed your mind. I don't really blame you, it's natural, but sometimes it's best to keep that kind of thing in check especially if he's otherwise been reliable in your relationship. Second, for him, he may not be angry about this at all. There may be something else that's bothering him and causing him to overreact about this. Are you aware of anything going on that may be stressing him out right now -- something on the job, with family, etc? If so, it's likely he's overreacting. But for now, I'd just let it drop and let him com to you. Don't bring it up again. If he continues to be angry or upset for more than a day, you can broach the subject by saying something like "the situation the other day was blown way out of proportion and I am concerned that the reason you were so angry is that something else is bothering you and I'd like to help". Or if it at some point becomes clear that it was solely about this situation, you can say "I love you and I was surprised that you were gone when I came out and caught off guard. But, I realize I should have just known you'd be back soon. I'm sorry I didn't trust in that. I'd like to put it behind us". Approach it in a supportive way rather than a confrontational atmosphere.
Buddhist Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 He sounds like a self-entitled brat to me. I can do whatever I want and who gives a f!@# about you. But by the way if you vocalise your annoyance at my actions I'll give you the silent treatment until you know better. Well, this is your wake up call that you're dating an infant in a human body. I used to overlook stuff like this, I know better than that now. He's showing you just how much concern he has for people other than himself. No it wasn't a big deal that he went to the office to do his stuff without you. But it would have been the grown up thing to actually tell you that before you left the car so you could take your stuff with you and then go have a coffee or whatever while you wait for him to return. Just driving off without any communication and expecting you to stand on the street for however long is a completely unreasonable way for an adult to behave. Let him own his stuff. Realise that his modus operandi is now to punish you for speaking your mind, and make your own decision about whether or not you want to be with someone like that. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 I suspect there's something else bothering him. How have you been getting along lately? How do you two normally handle conflict? I don't think you did anything wrong. He left without telling you anything, with your stuff and no way to contact him. Not cool. It doesn't sound like you over-reacted to this, either. He, on the other hand, is behaving like a child and blowing it out of proportion. This is what makes me wonder whether something else is irritating him and this was the straw the broke the camel's back, per se. Just my two cents.
Author orangetree Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 Just to clear things up, I wasn't scared that he left and won't come back. We live together, so even if I walked home (well, would have been a 45min walk) I would have seen him there. It's just in general that I didn't like that kind of behaviour at all. If you need to leave just tell me so I can at least take my jacket and my phone and not stand around in the street for 20 min wondering where you went. And we didn't have problems or anything lately, everything has been fine. Actually just yesterday he took me out for dinner and we had some really great conversations. He even bought me a shirt that he saw on the way back from work, which was really nice. The evening before I cooked for him at home and he loved it. Everything was fine and he was sweet as always. He is sweet, until I start criticising him. Every time I criticise him or his actions he gets pissed. He has never apologized for anything in the three years of our relationship. I feel like he thinks he's perfect and always right.
fitnessfan365 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Why the hell would he leave to go "get paperwork done" when you were just running into the bank? I mean can he honestly be that clueless where he'd think he'd have enough to time to get there and back before you get out of the bank? Plus, with all your stuff in the car, it was messed up of him to just leave.
preraph Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Just do the same thing to him next time and see how he reacts. I bet he would go crazy. 2
Author orangetree Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 Why the hell would he leave to go "get paperwork done" when you were just running into the bank? I mean can he honestly be that clueless where he'd think he'd have enough to time to get there and back before you get out of the bank? Plus, with all your stuff in the car, it was messed up of him to just leave. i know!! of course he didn't have enough time to get the paper work done, I was only 5 minutes in the office and he needed more than 20 min. i don't get why he didn't just wait 5 min and after that i would have gone with him.
amaysngrace Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Just do the same thing to him next time and see how he reacts. I bet he would go crazy. I agree. Possibly violent even. The silent treatment is usually the first sign of abuse. And so is always being right. 3
Author orangetree Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 Just do the same thing to him next time and see how he reacts. I bet he would go crazy. good idea, i'm absolutely sure he would be pissed too. but he wouldn't admit that now of course. i don't even get the drama- it wasn't a huge deal for me, if he came back saying 'sorry babe, i thought i would get back much quicker, sorry you had to wait' it wouldn't have been a problem at all. But instead he got pissed and reacted like if I was crazy.
amaysngrace Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 And what is with you starting out saying that your thread isn't very important? Yeah it is...something is bothering you. I think it's your instinct telling you there's something wrong and you're reaching out for help....but that's just me. 1
Author orangetree Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 And what is with you starting out saying that your thread isn't very important? Yeah it is...something is bothering you. I think it's your instinct telling you there's something wrong and you're reaching out for help....but that's just me. Well it isn't that important compared to some people here who really have huge relationship issues or getting cheated on or so. No, actually I've been feeling pretty good in my relationship in the past months, even though we struggled for a while before. He has been very sweet and caring lately, so it hit me even more when he reacted like this earlier today for no reason. He's still ignoring me, by the way.
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Just to clear things up, I wasn't scared that he left and won't come back. We live together, so even if I walked home (well, would have been a 45min walk) I would have seen him there. It's just in general that I didn't like that kind of behaviour at all. If you need to leave just tell me so I can at least take my jacket and my phone and not stand around in the street for 20 min wondering where you went. And we didn't have problems or anything lately, everything has been fine. Actually just yesterday he took me out for dinner and we had some really great conversations. He even bought me a shirt that he saw on the way back from work, which was really nice. The evening before I cooked for him at home and he loved it. Everything was fine and he was sweet as always. He is sweet, until I start criticising him. Every time I criticise him or his actions he gets pissed. He has never apologized for anything in the three years of our relationship. I feel like he thinks he's perfect and always right. The last four sentences of your post is quite telling. Your boyfriend sounds like a classic narcissist: Narcissistic personality disorder Definition - Diseases and Conditions - Mayo Clinic The things you've said in your post about your boyfriend are the traits that my ex-boyfriend had. When I realized he had NPD and that he was never going to change that part of his character, that was when I broke up with him. It's very alarming to me that your boyfriend has NEVER apologized for ANYTHING that he has ever said or did wrong in the three years that you've been together. . 2
fitnessfan365 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 The last four sentences of your post is quite telling. Your boyfriend sounds like a classic narcissist: Narcissistic personality disorder Definition - Diseases and Conditions - Mayo Clinic The things you've said in your post about your boyfriend are the traits that my ex-boyfriend had. When I realized he had NPD and that he was never going to change that part of his character, that was when I broke up with him. It's very alarming to me that your boyfriend has NEVER apologized for ANYTHING that he has ever said or did wrong in the three years that you've been together. . Wow.. You're into psychology too? I've always loved psychology and use what basic knowledge I have to help me be a better trainer and read people.
amaysngrace Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Well it isn't that important compared to some people here who really have huge relationship issues or getting cheated on or so. No, actually I've been feeling pretty good in my relationship in the past months, even though we struggled for a while before. He has been very sweet and caring lately, so it hit me even more when he reacted like this earlier today for no reason. He's still ignoring me, by the way. He's punishing you because you have your period. Yea I agree he sounds like a narcissist maybe. I was thinking of my exH and he resorted to violence to try to control me so that's where my mind was going but my exH was a narcissist too. And the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. Just so you know. By the way, they all can be charming. It's that side that makes us keep hanging on because we want "that guy" to show back up. The reality of it though is most times it's "this guy" that you're seeing now. 2
Author orangetree Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 The last four sentences of your post is quite telling. Your boyfriend sounds like a classic narcissist: Narcissistic personality disorder Definition - Diseases and Conditions - Mayo Clinic The things you've said in your post about your boyfriend are the traits that my ex-boyfriend had. When I realized he had NPD and that he was never going to change that part of his character, that was when I broke up with him. It's very alarming to me that your boyfriend has NEVER apologized for ANYTHING that he has ever said or did wrong in the three years that you've been together. . Yea, I guess it is :/ Well, you know what, there is a thing he apologizes for a lot - When he hurts me physically, by accident. Like when he hits me with his arm at night when asleep, or when he accidentally steps on my foot or so. Then he's really totally like 'Oh my god, I'm so sorry, are you okay', even more than necessary. BUT if it's about other stuff, like when he screwed up like today, nothing. Another recent example I have- About two months ago he told me I look like 30 (I'm 27). I have never heard that and I know I do NOT look like 30 and even if I did, it wouldn't be so bad. It was the way he said it. We didn't fight or anything, everything was fine, we were sitting at the table eating and talking about a friend I have who looks much younger than she is (she's 33 and seriously looks like 23). He then just thought he should mention that I look like 30. I really took that as an insult because it came out of nowhere. I got quite upset and sad and told him that this is not a nice thing to say because what woman likes to hear that she looks older than she is. He got pissed about my reaction and said that I seem to take everything as an insult. He didn't talk to me then for a few hours. By the way, he's almost 31 and always says that he thinks he looks like '26 or so', which is absolutely not true. He looks his age (and I like that he looks his age and not younger, I always tell him that), so apparently he thinks I look older than he looks, which is absolutely ridiculous.
Author orangetree Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 By the way, they all can be charming. It's that side that makes us keep hanging on because we want "that guy" to show back up. The reality of it though is most times it's "this guy" that you're seeing now. Yes, that's so true, which makes it even harder for me to evaluate the situation. He can be so incredibly caring and sweet, just in the last two weeks he came home twice with gifts- Yesterday he bought me a shirt he saw on the way back from work, two weeks ago he came back with two of my favourite juices (which you can only buy in one shop here) and a pair of sunglasses. He also tells me a lot that he loves me and he's very touchy and cuddly.
amaysngrace Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Yes, that's so true, which makes it even harder for me to evaluate the situation. He can be so incredibly caring and sweet, just in the last two weeks he came home twice with gifts- Yesterday he bought me a shirt he saw on the way back from work, two weeks ago he came back with two of my favourite juices (which you can only buy in one shop here) and a pair of sunglasses. He also tells me a lot that he loves me and he's very touchy and cuddly. I think you're in a bad relationship. I think the reason that he apologizes so profusely is because he wants to make sure that you know the difference between him hurting you by accident from when he hurts you on purpose. Please do yourself a huge favor and call this number and express your concerns (since he's not talking to you) just to get a professional opinion on what happened today. 1-800-799-SAFE 2
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Wow.. You're into psychology too? I've always loved psychology and use what basic knowledge I have to help me be a better trainer and read people. Well, I'm not really "into" psychology per se. I've just had the unfortunate experience of dealing with people that had certain mental issues that necessitated me having to do research so that I can better understand what I'm dealing with. I do find psychology interesting though, and I do use it with certain people when the occasion calls for it. .
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Yea, I guess it is :/ Well, you know what, there is a thing he apologizes for a lot - When he hurts me physically, by accident. Like when he hits me with his arm at night when asleep, or when he accidentally steps on my foot or so. Then he's really totally like 'Oh my god, I'm so sorry, are you okay', even more than necessary. BUT if it's about other stuff, like when he screwed up like today, nothing. Another recent example I have- About two months ago he told me I look like 30 (I'm 27). I have never heard that and I know I do NOT look like 30 and even if I did, it wouldn't be so bad. It was the way he said it. We didn't fight or anything, everything was fine, we were sitting at the table eating and talking about a friend I have who looks much younger than she is (she's 33 and seriously looks like 23). He then just thought he should mention that I look like 30. I really took that as an insult because it came out of nowhere. I got quite upset and sad and told him that this is not a nice thing to say because what woman likes to hear that she looks older than she is. He got pissed about my reaction and said that I seem to take everything as an insult. He didn't talk to me then for a few hours. By the way, he's almost 31 and always says that he thinks he looks like '26 or so', which is absolutely not true. He looks his age (and I like that he looks his age and not younger, I always tell him that), so apparently he thinks I look older than he looks, which is absolutely ridiculous. Criticizing how you look (knowing full well what your reaction will be) and then becoming angry at you and saying that you "take everything as an insult" is a form of emotional abuse and a glaring symptom of narcissism. It gives him pleasure to cut you down, because it makes him feel better about HIMSELF (hence thinking that he looks younger than he is when that is not the case). Sometimes it takes a person several years to figure out when they're with a person who is affected with NPD (it took me almost FIVE years) because the narcissist is often very charming and showers their victim with "love", affection and gifts so they can confuse them and throw them off of their trail. They don't want their victim to realize what they truly are and they don't want their victim to EVER leave them, so they'll condescend you or criticize you one minute and then the next minute they'll give you a gift or do something nice for you so you'll see them as THEY WANT you to see them. Sorry to say, OP (and this is going to be tough and heartbreaking for you to hear because this is the man that you love)...but you're in a relationship with a NARCISSIST. And his behavior has been like this ever since you have KNOWN him - he is NEVER going to change; and probably can't change even if he wanted to. Narcissists have NO EMPATHY for the people that are closest to them and they will slowly strip their victim of their self esteem, confidence and self-respect...until there's NOTHING left. And when that happens, then they have FULL CONTROL over their victim. Please read the link that I have provided for you in my prior post and consider what I've said to you about NPD for a few weeks while you OBSERVE HIS BEHAVIOR towards you. If you feel that you can live with his narcissism (and his emotional abuse of you) for the duration of your relationship, then negative events like what happened to you the other day and the other things you have told us will keep on happening - until YOU do something to STOP it. I hope you don't take my post the wrong way. I just want to help you recognize his behavior for what it is, before it's too late. And by saying "before it's too late", I mean before your self-esteem and confidence have been completely eroded to the point where you won't have the strength to leave him. . 2
Gary S Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 If he does stuff like that a lot and never apologizes, he's a control freak. They are poor relationship material. If it's a one-off thing, give him some time to cool off and come out of his cave. Hopefully, he'll apologize.
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