Upset ex Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 My ex husband and I married 13 years ago this May after dating for 4 years. We decided early on we didn't want children and wanted to work on our real estate careers in a big city. We were both work-aholics and became pretty high in the market. About five years ago we went to a party and there was a woman he obviously knew, he left me to say hello to her. We were growing apart at this time but I didn't think much of it. A few weeks later we were getting ready for bed and he said he didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce. I was heartbroken. Through mutual friends I found out he was interested in the woman we had seen at the party and that was why he wanted a divorce. She wouldn't date him until we finalized, and so I drug out negotiations. The day we finalized they went out together. They married a year later and I tried to kill myself. They have a two year old together. I saw him last week out to breakfast with his son and he approached my family and I because he is friends with my brothers. He walked up with his son and said they were there for breakfast. He asked his son if he could say hello and he turned and buried his face in his shoulder. My father said he never thought he'd see my ex as a father. He said he never thought he would either and that it had changed him. He said "you know it's changed me. 10 years ago, no one cared if I woke up in the morning or not, now if I'm not up at 7:30 I have an angry toddler breathing on my face. I don't go to the office as much either, I took off a few days ago just to take him to the children's museum. I know what's important now, and I'm happier than I've ever been." Then he said she is pregnant again. He wouldn't look at me. When he walked away I cried. I didn't want a divorce, I wanted to work it out! I would've had his child if things had been different. I loved him. Now I'm beside myself.
BlackbirdSong Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Your story made me cry. I can't even imagine seeing my ex with a child (if she had one) because I wanted to be the father so bad. She just didn't believe me because I never wanted kids before I met her. I'm so sorry you had to experience that. 1
Author Upset ex Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 Your story made me cry. I can't even imagine seeing my ex with a child (if she had one) because I wanted to be the father so bad. She just didn't believe me because I never wanted kids before I met her. I'm so sorry you had to experience that. Thank you. It was very difficult for because I wanted to save my marriage. It was the first time I had seen his son, but I've seen him and his wife several times since our divorce but I always stay away from them because it is so painful.
BC1980 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 I am so sorry that you had to experience that. Honestly, I don't think your ex should have approached your family when you were there. Then, he says he's happier than he's ever been. It's not necessary and somewhat cruel in my opinion. All I can say is that I'm sorry. Why in the world did your family engage with him? They are supposed to have your back and support you. I can't even imagine my family looking at my ex, much less talking to him. 2
minimariah Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 (edited) Now I'm beside myself. so this is what happened - he told you he doesn't love you & wants a divorce after many years together (not even bothering to fix your marriage) = meaning he lied to you (and probably to himself, too) about his true feelings for some time & then it turns out he left your for another woman; he hurted you, was dishonest with you & theeeeen... on top of everything, he has the nerve to come say hello to your family WHILE ignoring you and not even looking at you? he doesn't even have that much respect for himself & his first marriage that he addresses his current situation in a respectful manner in front of you? he rubbed his alleged happiness in your face knowing it would make you AT LEAST uncomfortable. and now that he has a family... he "finally knows what's important"? what does that even mean? do people who are single and without kids don't know what's important? will we all have this huge epiphany if we marry and have children? trust me when i say this... you dodged a bullet. his life, son, marriage... if he even exists or not? none of your business. keep telling yourself that every single time you think about him or see him. fake it until you make it, sweetheart. also? your father & brothers are super insensitive for even being comfortable to have a cute small talk with this dude after you tried to kill yourself over the entire mess. what on earth is your family (not) thinking? and you should probably start some IC, that's always useful. it's been years, honey... it's time to move on. hugs and best wishes to you. and remember - all that glitters is not gold. Edited March 21, 2015 by minimariah 5
BC1980 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 and remember - all that glitters is not gold. I'll echo that. You know that he is capable of leaving a marriage for someone else, so he will do the same to her. She knows that too, so don't be jealous of their lives. Deep down, there will always be that uneasiness about how the relationship started. 1
Cupid's Puppet Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Very powerful words, Mariah. You decoded the heck out of that post. Her ex is a joke. She should have laughed at him not cried about him. 2
Author Upset ex Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 The hardest part for me was when he said no one cared if he got up in the morning. What is that supposed to mean? Was I supposed to wake him up every morning?! Argh! I remember him saying to me that he couldn't describe it but he just knew he loved her... I've always wondered what she has that I didn't. I agree about my father talking to him. That hurt, but I think he just wasn't thinking. Why would he walk up with his child seeing me there!!! We made the mutual decision to not have children, he agreed he didn't want children so why the change of heart? He is inconsiderate. The one thingi credit her for was not dating him while we were together. 1
minimariah Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Her ex is a joke. he is. he's missing a sensitivity chip. like... you spend so many years with someone and you don't even have it in you to be respectful around them and careful in order NOT to hurt them more than you already have? tells you all you need to know about a person. he could've said something like - oh yeah, i didn't think i'd be a father either but here we are and it's great! - end of story. was it necessary to mention how he is happier than ever & how his wife is pregnant again with his X he dumped sitting right there? tasteless and tacky. there is a time and place for everything & this was definitely wrong. 3
minimariah Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 We made the mutual decision to not have children, he agreed he didn't want children so why the change of heart? honey, who cares? imagine if you actually had a kid with this man and had to see him every other day & deal with his "happiness" and new W as your child's stepmother? when i tell you, girl... you WON in this situation. believe that. turn on some Beyoncé's Best Thing I Never Had, sing along, have some martini & enjoy the fact that you got rid of this dude. :D & try to talk some sense into that father of yours. 1
Cupid's Puppet Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 The hardest part for me was when he said no one cared if he got up in the morning. What is that supposed to mean? Was I supposed to wake him up every morning?! Argh! I remember him saying to me that he couldn't describe it but he just knew he loved her... I've always wondered what she has that I didn't. I agree about my father talking to him. That hurt, but I think he just wasn't thinking. Why would he walk up with his child seeing me there!!! We made the mutual decision to not have children, he agreed he didn't want children so why the change of heart? He is inconsiderate. The one thingi credit her for was not dating him while we were together. Don't be naive. They had an affair during your marriage. No one falls in love with a stranger he had no involvement with and divorces his spouse for a stranger he had no involvement with. His new wife is a homewrecker. She encouraged the divorce when she should have encouraged him to work on his marriage because she would hate to break up a happy home. Don't give her any credit. Don't wonder what she has that you don't because whatever she has you don't want. Hey that kinda rhymes . 3
minimariah Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 They had an affair during your marriage. absolutely. it was at least an EA. in my opinion, it was probably both EA + PA but she obviously gave the ultimatum and he went with it. i think they just didn't go public with it until he divorced. 1
Josmatjes Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 I am truly sorry,that must have been heartbreaking for you. I think he should of just waved and kept walking ,I don't think it was nice him saying those things knowing 10 years ago you were with him. The best revenge is to live a good life. There is someone out there right now looking for you but you have to keep an open mind or you will overlook him.... Everything in life happens for a reason.... 1
Author Upset ex Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 I do think they had an emotional affair, how else would it have happened? But I don't think it was physical, or maybe I just don't want to... He's always been someone who compared himself in 10 year spans, but I just wanted to scream at him "10 years ago we were building our careers, 10 years ago we were both trying to be successful! The only way you're able to live the way you are now is because of what we did with our lives 10 years ago!!!" What was I supposed to do, micromanage his days?! That made me very upset. Then talking about his other child he said "oh yeah, and we've got another one coming the first of June." That's when we went on our honeymoon. That stung me because that was one of the best times we had together. I do see other men, it just never pans out.
minimariah Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 (edited) That made me very upset. don't be. don't let him make you feel guilty for his mistakes, you didn't do anything wrong. he handled the entire situation VERY poorly and it was just... so tacky and unnecessary. he didn't care that you were there and that the situation might be awkward and uncomfortable for you & that speaks volumes about him as a person. he seems to be one of those "rewriting the history to fit the current situation" people & he's missing the sensitivity chip. it is what it is. you mentioned how you two were growing apart at the time prior to the divorce - it was because he was having an affair (EA or PA, doesn't matter) with someone else. if i were you, i would be way more upset about your father & family - like... why is your father even greeting and having small talk with the person who caused that much hurt and mess in your life in YOUR presence? if i was your father - i would most definitely tell him to leave. i'd greet him but that would be the end of it. why wasn't your father like - "excuse me... nice seeing you but i'm spending this time with my family, we'll catch up some other time." & that's it! why are your brothers still friends with this dude? there's too much pain and hurt here for them to just be switzerland & act like nothing happened. your father is just as insensitive as your X, it's amazing. you don't have to avoid him & his family. you have nothing to be ashamed for - you do what you want, where you want it and how you want it. if you happen to see them? ignore them & act like they don't exist. if something like this happens again? you either excuse yourself and go to the restroom or address your father in front of everyone and tell him something like "dad... can we continue with our breakfast? you can have irrelevant chitchats later, if you're so interested in my X's life - invite him for a coffee and talk all you want but this is OUR time." keep dating and focusing on you. his current W isn't better than you & you deserve so much better than a dude who won't even THINK about someone he spent a decade with. she's better for HIM. why? who knows and who cares. someone else will be better for you than your X was, so it comes full circle. here is the ugly truth - he forgot about his past life with you, he moved on and he is focused on the future. you should do the same, with or without another man. i know it hurts... trust me. it's hard to see someone clearly when your mind is constantly flooded with good memories and moments. just... let that hurt go. work on it, go to counseling, occupy yourself with other things, set your own life goals and find new hobbies... if you think about him or see him or hear something about him? just remember how dishonest he was & how quickly he left for someone else. keep reminding yourself of all those bad and ugly moments, not the good ones. instead of remembering your honeymoon, remember the day he told you that he doesn't love you anymore. this entire scene was just in a really poor taste. if he approached your family and greeted them - he should've greeted & look at you, too. all the "i'm happier than ever + we're expecting" stuff was just unnecessary. keep going, one day at a time and work on getting over it. time does heal but you need to put in WORK. healing isn't just waiting for your emotions to fade, it's an active and demanding work. so focus on that. good luck. Edited March 21, 2015 by minimariah
BC1980 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 (edited) I do think they had an emotional affair, how else would it have happened? But I don't think it was physical, or maybe I just don't want to... He's always been someone who compared himself in 10 year spans, but I just wanted to scream at him "10 years ago we were building our careers, 10 years ago we were both trying to be successful! The only way you're able to live the way you are now is because of what we did with our lives 10 years ago!!!" What was I supposed to do, micromanage his days?! That made me very upset. Then talking about his other child he said "oh yeah, and we've got another one coming the first of June." That's when we went on our honeymoon. That stung me because that was one of the best times we had together. I do see other men, it just never pans out. He is missing the sensitivity chip like minimaria said. I could honestly see my ex doing the same thing because he just didn't even take other people's feelings in account. He was so concerned with his feelings and needs that he would have never considered how he might make someone else feel. Our first Christmas apart, he sent me a Christmas card with a picture of him and his son on it. It hurt me so much because the picture had been the three of us in the previous years. It's just so inconsiderate, but I think people do that to minimize the hurt they caused. They know what they did was terrible, so they want to try to minimize how you feel. If they can get you on the bandwagon, they can control the narrative. Well, you don't have to agree with their version of events. You know what happened. The guy had an affair, probably more than emotional, let's just be honest. So now, he is in a marriage that started out as an affair. Personally, I wouldn't want that type of marriage because you could never trust the guy. People don't respect it either. Don't be surprised if he does the same thing to her. People like that don't change, and, for all we know, he was just trying to make his life look great in front of you and your family. He might be miserable for all we know. I'm sorry your family isn't supportive in the way you need them to be. I would consider talking to them and just letting them know that it does hurt your tremendously. I know it hurts when you hear things like he's going to have a child in June. It hurts because he no longer holds your memories as important. People do that all the time. My ex is getting married on what was our anniversary if you can believe that, so I get it. It really stung when I found that out, but, unfortunately, people do erase what was once a loving relationship. Edited March 21, 2015 by BC1980
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