shvrk Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 My boyfriend and I have been together for about 7 months but we've been talking and getting to know eachother for about 6 months before we started dating. He's in love with me and wants us to have an entire future together, with kids and marriage, he just needs to get his life back on track. There is also an age difference between us, I'm 20 and he is 26, 27 in June. We hang out, and he drives me places if I need to be, (I don't have a car atm) and everything usually is wonderful. Well last night when he got off of work (around 1230) he said that we could meet up early on this morning, he'd wake up and nine and head over to my place. I woke up, and called him a few times to see if he was awake around 915. He didn't answer so I just got ready and called him again around 930, where he answered and told me that he was exhausted and asked if I could call back to wake him up around 10... I got a little upset then said "Okay." I went to do other things around my house, then I called him again around ten, and asked if he was ready to get ready to come over. He was like "Yeah," then we got off the phone. He lives about half an hour away so I figured that he would leave around 1030 and be here at 11, which is what would normally happen. I had stuff I also needed to do today, and he said he'd help me run those errands with his car. It was around 1115 when I called him once more and asked him where he was at? He then said "I'm about to leave now." I couldn't believe it, he said that he's meet up w me around 930 to help me do stuff and by the time he would arrive at my house it would be close to noon. I was pissed. So I expressed to him that I was very upset, he then tells me that he was up to 5 am this morning and was exhausted and needed to sleep more. I asked him what he was doing up so late, perhaps he was working on his business, and he just said that it doesn't really matter and I'm being a bitch. He said that he would take me to do one thing then bring me back home right after (in not the friendliest tone) I was in shock so I didn't say anything and I hung up. Then he sends me a text and says he's not coming anymore. I called him many many many times and even texted him saying that I was sorry for the way that I was acting, and I just became more and more upset. Now he shut off his phone and won't even talk to me. I feel like ****. I always call him 30+ times when I am trying to wake him up, especially if he said that he would meet with me at a certain time, I try to make sure he will not sleep the whole afternoon. Sometimes I do flip out over him not following through with meeting up with me... I don't know why. This is just upsetting me more bc he's been ignoring me all day and this is the first time he's done this. I'm scared that he won't tolerate my bs anymore. I'm kinda just ranting and getting it all out but idk what to think. I know it's kinda a minor situation but I feel terrible.
d0nnivain Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Until he starts following through, you certainly can't entertain marriage. As for the calling 30 times to wake him try a new tact. Call once. If he's not there, assume he's blowing you off & make other plans. If you don't cow tow to him, he'll get the message that he has to be more responsible. Or you could skip the whole trying to train him to be polite & respectful of your time & the commitments he's made by dumping him. 9
Author shvrk Posted March 20, 2015 Author Posted March 20, 2015 Until he starts following through, you certainly can't entertain marriage. As for the calling 30 times to wake him try a new tact. Call once. If he's not there, assume he's blowing you off & make other plans. If you don't cow tow to him, he'll get the message that he has to be more responsible. Or you could skip the whole trying to train him to be polite & respectful of your time & the commitments he's made by dumping him. I'm definitely rethinking the marriage. I'm young but I can't act so naive. I wanna talk to him about it but I just don't want the conversation to end badly. He doesn't have the best job and he wants to start a business but he's been putting it off for months, and I'm not sure if he's at an alcoholic level of drinking, but he's got soooo many cans of beer that are empty just laying around in his room and this concerns me. I told him that if he wants to have kids with me he's got to get serious about everything. He says his job is taking a lot out of him, but in his free time, instead of looking for a new job or working on his business, he watches basketball, bull****s on his computer, and/or drinks. I worry about him... I love him and I know he loves me but his habits are starting to scare me.
Redhead14 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 My boyfriend and I have been together for about 7 months but we've been talking and getting to know eachother for about 6 months before we started dating. He's in love with me and wants us to have an entire future together, with kids and marriage, he just needs to get his life back on track. There is also an age difference between us, I'm 20 and he is 26, 27 in June. We hang out, and he drives me places if I need to be, (I don't have a car atm) and everything usually is wonderful. Well last night when he got off of work (around 1230) he said that we could meet up early on this morning, he'd wake up and nine and head over to my place. I woke up, and called him a few times to see if he was awake around 915. He didn't answer so I just got ready and called him again around 930, where he answered and told me that he was exhausted and asked if I could call back to wake him up around 10... I got a little upset then said "Okay." I went to do other things around my house, then I called him again around ten, and asked if he was ready to get ready to come over. He was like "Yeah," then we got off the phone. He lives about half an hour away so I figured that he would leave around 1030 and be here at 11, which is what would normally happen. I had stuff I also needed to do today, and he said he'd help me run those errands with his car. It was around 1115 when I called him once more and asked him where he was at? He then said "I'm about to leave now." I couldn't believe it, he said that he's meet up w me around 930 to help me do stuff and by the time he would arrive at my house it would be close to noon. I was pissed. So I expressed to him that I was very upset, he then tells me that he was up to 5 am this morning and was exhausted and needed to sleep more. I asked him what he was doing up so late, perhaps he was working on his business, and he just said that it doesn't really matter and I'm being a bitch. He said that he would take me to do one thing then bring me back home right after (in not the friendliest tone) I was in shock so I didn't say anything and I hung up. Then he sends me a text and says he's not coming anymore. I called him many many many times and even texted him saying that I was sorry for the way that I was acting, and I just became more and more upset. Now he shut off his phone and won't even talk to me. I feel like ****. I always call him 30+ times when I am trying to wake him up, especially if he said that he would meet with me at a certain time, I try to make sure he will not sleep the whole afternoon. You are not his mother. It's his responsibility to get himself up and going if and when he has obligations. If he fails to meet obligations with you and regularly, he's not interested in your needs. Sometimes I do flip out over him not following through with meeting up with me... I don't know why. This is just upsetting me more bc he's been ignoring me all day and this is the first time he's done this. I'm scared that he won't tolerate my bs anymore. It's ok to let him know when you are displeased with him for not following up but don't rant or nag. Make the statement once and observe his response. If he cares enough about your needs and feelings, he will step up to the plate. If he continuously doesn't follow through there's a bigger issue. I'm kinda just ranting and getting it all out but idk what to think. I know it's kinda a minor situation but I feel terrible. For now, I'd leave him alone and let him contact you. If I had plans with a man and a set time arranged and he wasn't there when he said he would be, I'd reach out once ask for a revised ETA. If he wasn't there by that time, I call a cab, a friend, or take a bus or train. 6
Quiet Storm Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 The reason you feel like the crazy girlfriend is because you are trying to change him. Instead of letting him do what he's going to do and responding to disappointments in a mature way, you instead try to make him do what you want him to do. When you do stuff like calling 30 times, it takes the focus of the original grievance (him not sticking to what he says) and instead puts the focus on you (you acting crazy by calling 30 times). So by behaving that way, you are not even prompting him to think about what he actually did wrong, because your drama has taken over. Your drama lets him off the hook in a way, because then he's thinking about how annoying you are, instead of what an unreliable jerk he's being. The best way to handle would be to just go do something else and keep yourself busy. When he does call, just say "I'm out doing XXX and will be back later". Then later when he says "Why didn't you wait for me?" say "I just don't feel like I can depend on you, so I didn't want to wait. I don't want to force you to change or guilt you into doing what I want. I just want a reliable boyfriend." Stating what you want in a boyfriend may cause him to examine his own actions and hopefully prompt change. Doing it this way doesn't automatically send him into defense mode because you are not attacking him, but instead just calmly stating what you want in a guy. And I just have to say that he is a grown man and should be able to wake himself up for work or to come over to your house. Does he not have an alarm clock or a cell phone? Dating is supposed to be about finding a person with good character who is a compatible match for you. It's not about making someone be the kind of guy you want. Sometimes you just have to accept that a guy has traits that really annoy you and make you crazy! This is a sign that you should not be with this guy. It's not a sign to call him 30 times and give him hell for disappointing you. 2
preraph Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 I can't believe you apologized to him for him standing you up. If you don't stand your ground when he is the one screwing up, he will continue to walk all over you. You should have tried calling him once when he didn't show up at 9:30 and then gone on with your day and blown him off if he wanted to get together at noon. He can't tell you he's been up to 5 with no explanation either. He already has one foot out the door, and that's best because you're too young to marry and he's already got you letting him get away with treating you like crap and then apologizing for it. Stop answering the phone. If that's all it takes to make him mad, let him go. 5
Author shvrk Posted March 20, 2015 Author Posted March 20, 2015 If you don't stand your ground when he is the one screwing up, he will continue to walk all over you. I think about this a lot, I notice the focus soon gets put onto me. The thing is, I thought that we had such a great relationship and I get along with him well at all times else.
SmartDude Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 I asked him what he was doing up so late, perhaps he was working on his business, and he just said that it doesn't really matter and I'm being a bitch. He said that he would take me to do one thing then bring me back home right after (in not the friendliest tone) I was in shock so I didn't say anything and I hung up. Then he sends me a text and says he's not coming anymore. I called him many many many times and even texted him saying that I was sorry for the way that I was acting, and I just became more and more upset. Now he shut off his phone and won't even talk to me. I feel like ****. He might have just broken up with you. If this is true, I am very sorry for your loss.
Redhead14 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 My boyfriend and I have been together for about 7 months but we've been talking and getting to know eachother for about 6 months before we started dating. He's in love with me and wants us to have an entire future together, with kids and marriage, he just needs to get his life back on track. There is also an age difference between us, I'm 20 and he is 26, 27 in June. We hang out, and he drives me places if I need to be, (I don't have a car atm) and everything usually is wonderful. Well last night when he got off of work (around 1230) he said that we could meet up early on this morning, he'd wake up and nine and head over to my place. I woke up, and called him a few times to see if he was awake around 915. He didn't answer so I just got ready and called him again around 930, where he answered and told me that he was exhausted and asked if I could call back to wake him up around 10... I got a little upset then said "Okay." I went to do other things around my house, then I called him again around ten, and asked if he was ready to get ready to come over. He was like "Yeah," then we got off the phone. He lives about half an hour away so I figured that he would leave around 1030 and be here at 11, which is what would normally happen. I had stuff I also needed to do today, and he said he'd help me run those errands with his car. It was around 1115 when I called him once more and asked him where he was at? He then said "I'm about to leave now." I couldn't believe it, he said that he's meet up w me around 930 to help me do stuff and by the time he would arrive at my house it would be close to noon. I was pissed. So I expressed to him that I was very upset, he then tells me that he was up to 5 am this morning and was exhausted and needed to sleep more. I asked him what he was doing up so late, perhaps he was working on his business, and he just said that it doesn't really matter and I'm being a bitch. He said that he would take me to do one thing then bring me back home right after (in not the friendliest tone) I was in shock so I didn't say anything and I hung up. Then he sends me a text and says he's not coming anymore. I called him many many many times and even texted him saying that I was sorry for the way that I was acting, and I just became more and more upset. Now he shut off his phone and won't even talk to me. I feel like ****. I always call him 30+ times when I am trying to wake him up, especially if he said that he would meet with me at a certain time, I try to make sure he will not sleep the whole afternoon. Sometimes I do flip out over him not following through with meeting up with me... I don't know why. This is just upsetting me more bc he's been ignoring me all day and this is the first time he's done this. I'm scared that he won't tolerate my bs anymore. I'm kinda just ranting and getting it all out but idk what to think. I know it's kinda a minor situation but I feel terrible. You flip out on him because he doesn't follow through with you often apparently. And, I'd say you are relying on him for a lot and maybe at time when, as you've said he's trying to get his own life back on track and pressured. I would stop asking him to do things for you for a little while at least. Ask friends for help, if you really need help, for a while. I would also stop making sure he's doing what he needs to do to meet obligations or making sure he doesn't sleep all day. Like I said earlier, that's his responsibility. He may be feeling a little smothered too. After a little while, hopefully, he will notice that you haven't been asking for his help and will inquire about it. I think he will reach out to you fairly soon. Don't be angry or ask him why he hasn't called, just be receptive to the call and listen and allow for a calm, open conversation. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 (edited) *looks up to the sky* Please don't let me have a daughter... Honestly I'd really like a daughter some day, but because of 20 year olds like you who think love is hanging on tress, put up with crappy behavior with men and believe everything the say because they mention marriage, kids and all that cheesy idealistic fantasy crap is true that so many people fall for when they're young and naive, only to realize it by the time it's too late that it was just a fantasy... I'm likely to hang myself out of anxiety. You both sound childish and can only hope it does not result in children or marriage...which thankfully it probably will not, it will sadly and unfortunately likely be a result of him screwing you over a million times however before you let go. Edited March 20, 2015 by Ninjainpajamas 3
preraph Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 I think about this a lot, I notice the focus soon gets put onto me. The thing is, I thought that we had such a great relationship and I get along with him well at all times else. Right, until he's trying to deflect blame for something wrong HE did on to you. It's a manipulation.
SawtoothMars Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 I think about this a lot, I notice the focus soon gets put onto me. The thing is, I thought that we had such a great relationship and I get along with him well at all times else. C'mon... the guy really wanted to hang out with you, but worked late and was exhausted. He has to be allowed to move times around and reschedule. He would have been there at 11:45... about 2:15 minutes off target from the plan made a day beforehand.. Instead you turn it into a big fight and now he isn't coming at all. That isn't acceptable behavior. The focus should be on you. You are the one causing problems here. 1
Auspecial Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Calling anyone for any reason 30+ times just doesn't sound normal. Maybe you have some kind of unusual anxiety about abandonment and with your behavior, you actually make it happen by pushing him away? Having said that, I would be annoyed also if someone promised me they were going to do something with me, and then kept pushing it back and back, therefore wasting even more of my time waiting around for them. I think one thing that you can do right away is start getting your own way to do errands. Not every time, but at least part of the time. And if its a pattern that he sleeps in often, don't even try to plan for him to be there until the afternoon. Then you aren't disapointed.
Author shvrk Posted March 20, 2015 Author Posted March 20, 2015 Thank you all for responding. He recently just got back to me and he to apologized for the way that he was acting, and would love to have a talk about it (and everything going on, his drinking, job, etc) tomorrow.
Author shvrk Posted March 20, 2015 Author Posted March 20, 2015 C'mon... the guy really wanted to hang out with you, but worked late and was exhausted. He has to be allowed to move times around and reschedule. He would have been there at 11:45... about 2:15 minutes off target from the plan made a day beforehand.. Instead you turn it into a big fight and now he isn't coming at all. That isn't acceptable behavior. The focus should be on you. You are the one causing problems here. This is the most reasonable response. I agree, the way a was acting was inappropriate
Author shvrk Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 *looks up to the sky* Please don't let me have a daughter... Honestly I'd really like a daughter some day, but because of 20 year olds like you who think love is hanging on tress, put up with crappy behavior with men and believe everything the say because they mention marriage, kids and all that cheesy idealistic fantasy crap is true that so many people fall for when they're young and naive, only to realize it by the time it's too late that it was just a fantasy... I'm likely to hang myself out of anxiety. You both sound childish and can only hope it does not result in children or marriage...which thankfully it probably will not, it will sadly and unfortunately likely be a result of him screwing you over a million times however before you let go. He absolutely does not treat me like crap, mostly everything else is peachy. I'm not dealing with with much else crappy behavior, which is why I feel like I'm crazy
katiegrl Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 My boyfriend and I have been together for about 7 months but we've been talking and getting to know eachother for about 6 months before we started dating. He's in love with me and wants us to have an entire future together, with kids and marriage, he just needs to get his life back on track. There is also an age difference between us, I'm 20 and he is 26, 27 in June. We hang out, and he drives me places if I need to be, (I don't have a car atm) and everything usually is wonderful. Well last night when he got off of work (around 1230) he said that we could meet up early on this morning, he'd wake up and nine and head over to my place. I woke up, and called him a few times to see if he was awake around 915. He didn't answer so I just got ready and called him again around 930, where he answered and told me that he was exhausted and asked if I could call back to wake him up around 10... I got a little upset then said "Okay." I went to do other things around my house, then I called him again around ten, and asked if he was ready to get ready to come over. He was like "Yeah," then we got off the phone. He lives about half an hour away so I figured that he would leave around 1030 and be here at 11, which is what would normally happen. I had stuff I also needed to do today, and he said he'd help me run those errands with his car. It was around 1115 when I called him once more and asked him where he was at? He then said "I'm about to leave now." I couldn't believe it, he said that he's meet up w me around 930 to help me do stuff and by the time he would arrive at my house it would be close to noon. I was pissed. So I expressed to him that I was very upset, he then tells me that he was up to 5 am this morning and was exhausted and needed to sleep more. I asked him what he was doing up so late, perhaps he was working on his business, and he just said that it doesn't really matter and I'm being a bitch. He said that he would take me to do one thing then bring me back home right after (in not the friendliest tone) I was in shock so I didn't say anything and I hung up. Then he sends me a text and says he's not coming anymore. I called him many many many times and even texted him saying that I was sorry for the way that I was acting, and I just became more and more upset. Now he shut off his phone and won't even talk to me. I feel like ****. I always call him 30+ times when I am trying to wake him up, especially if he said that he would meet with me at a certain time, I try to make sure he will not sleep the whole afternoon. Sometimes I do flip out over him not following through with meeting up with me... I don't know why. This is just upsetting me more bc he's been ignoring me all day and this is the first time he's done this. I'm scared that he won't tolerate my bs anymore. I'm kinda just ranting and getting it all out but idk what to think. I know it's kinda a minor situation but I feel terrible. No it's not a minor situation, not by a long shot. You sound unstabe (sorry but you do)....and if you don't take steps to fix that, you will never have a happy harmonious relationship with any guy. It sounds like this guy has had it and is done. And what's up with you needing him to drive you all over town running errands? What is he...your boyfriend or your chauffeur? My guess he got tired of that too. Don't you have a girlfriend or family to help you with that stuff? 1
Diezel Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 I always call him 30+ times when I am trying to wake him up, especially if he said that he would meet with me at a certain time, I try to make sure he will not sleep the whole afternoon. I am going to disregard everything else since you two have apparently talked. But this ISN'T normal. #1: 30 times is TOO much. I don't care that your reasons are noble for doing so. #2: You are not his alarm clock, so stop acting like one. Once suffices. As another poster said, if he doesn't answer or respond in a reasonable time, make your own plans and follow through. #3: Why are you trying to make sure he doesn't sleep through the whole afternoon? Sounds like something a mom would say about their baby. Not a 20 year old about her 20-something boyfriend. Stop it. It's unnecessary.
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