ecain Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 (edited) I met a guy online. Here's the high level: We've been out 6 times over 6 weeks. All really fun, we never run out of things to talk about, the physical chemistry is there, etc. Three reasons things have been slower than others might go: (1) We both have been traveling for work. (2) A few dates in, he let me know he was seeing someone else that he'd met and it sounded like he basically couldn't decide who he wanted. I told him I was fine with not being exclusive at that point as I don't expect anyone to know what they want after just a few dates. We agreed to take things slower (our first 2 dates were 2 nights in a row). (3) He's mentioned that he's just started getting back into dating seriously -- he was engaged and she left him, so he was pretty scarred from that. We have slept together (I slept with him before hearing about him seeing someone else, although it didn't actually surprise me -- when you date someone you meet online, I generally assume they're seeing others as well). We've also slept together since. We don't talk about the other woman he may/may not be seeing (I'm assuming he still is seeing her, but have no indication either way). He texts me/emails me often -- every other day or so. So, everything is going pretty well. I like him, I get the impression he really likes me, we have fun, we have a ton in common, etc. What I'm getting frustrated with is that we're only seeing each other about once a week. The last few weeks it's been out of necessity/travel schedules, but this week we're both in town. We went out Tuesday, had a great time, he spent the night, etc. But he left without making plans and while he's texted/emailed a few times since, he hasn't asked me to hang out this weekend. I believe that I should let him steer since he's the one who (might be) dating someone else as well. I've read all the stuff about not being too aggressive or demanding, and I definitely see where that can turn a guy off. Every time I convince myself that he must have decided that he doesn't want to see me or date me, he texts or emails and I realize I've been being too dramatic. I've initiated a few communications as well, so it's not completely one-sided. What I'd like advice/thoughts on: (1) Should I just ask him out? (2) I'd like to know if he's just tapering off communication/dates to ease the pain -- should I just ask him to be up front with me if and when he makes a decision about what he wants? Edited March 20, 2015 by ecain
mr_dave Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 How is it taking it slow if you're already sleeping with him? Why would he want to change the current situation in which he's getting sex from at least two women? 7
fitnessfan365 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 I keep things at once a week in the beginning stages. When a woman starts getting more interested and reaches out with text messages, I take the hint and plan more dates. So if you want to see him more, reach out to him once and awhile. You don't have to bring up getting together. Just initiate communication and give him the chance to take the hint. 1
BluEyeL Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 You shouldn't sleep with a man that is seeing another woman. Probably he will be with her this weekend. I could be wrong, but I don't think this will turn out well for you. Next time, ask about exclusivity before sleeping with someone, otherwise you'll be a fwb every single time. Why women accept this type of crap? Oh, no problem, I'll let you figure out who you want while I am monogamously sleeping and waiting for you. 3
Author ecain Posted March 20, 2015 Author Posted March 20, 2015 Thanks, all. I should mention that I have no problem with having slept with him. He didn't pressure me into it, and we don't sleep together every time we go out, so it's not expected on either end. If things don't work out with him, I won't regret (at all) having slept with him - but I will regret not getting to know him better and spend more time with him, as I really like him. Not everyone associates sex with commitment or exclusivity - for many, it's just another aspect of dating and getting to know someone. And not all men are looking only for sex. I would argue to mr_dave that if all he wants is sex, why isn't he (a) trying to see me all the time so he could get more sex, or - more likely - (b) finding girls online that are only interested in sex or casual relationships? @BluEyeL -- I'm not waiting for him. I'm messaging others online and not putting all my eggs in one basket. But that doesn't mean that I don't hope that things move forward with him. My post was about two questions -- should I ask him out and/or should I tell him explicitly to not string me along for the sake of being nice? It was not about me feeling sorry for myself or regretting having slept with someone or sitting around alone waiting for him to call. I'd appreciate more responses related to my actual questions (like @fitnessfan365!).
Redhead14 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Thanks, all. I should mention that I have no problem with having slept with him. He didn't pressure me into it, and we don't sleep together every time we go out, so it's not expected on either end. If things don't work out with him, I won't regret (at all) having slept with him - but I will regret not getting to know him better and spend more time with him, as I really like him. Not everyone associates sex with commitment or exclusivity - for many, it's just another aspect of dating and getting to know someone. And not all men are looking only for sex. I would argue to mr_dave that if all he wants is sex, why isn't he (a) trying to see me all the time so he could get more sex, or - more likely - (b) finding girls online that are only interested in sex or casual relationships? @BluEyeL -- I'm not waiting for him. I'm messaging others online and not putting all my eggs in one basket. But that doesn't mean that I don't hope that things move forward with him. My post was about two questions -- should I ask him out and/or should I tell him explicitly to not string me along for the sake of being nice? It was not about me feeling sorry for myself or regretting having slept with someone or sitting around alone waiting for him to call. I'd appreciate more responses related to my actual questions (like @fitnessfan365!). Ask him out and, if he's stringing you along, he will go out with you every time you ask him. He's not stringing you along, you're allowing him to string you along because you have no basic ground rules for yourself about dating. You are not happy with the way he is dating you, you want more from him. You want him to be exclusive with you or you don't. Otherwise, you are in string along mode. You can talk to him and casually explain what you want now and let him talk. 3
fitnessfan365 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 My post was about two questions -- should I ask him out and/or should I tell him explicitly to not string me along for the sake of being nice? It was not about me feeling sorry for myself or regretting having slept with someone or sitting around alone waiting for him to call. I'd appreciate more responses related to my actual questions (like @fitnessfan365!). No worries. If a guy is actually good with women, he knows how to read between the lines. When a woman reaches out with some lame cute excuse or just to touch base, what she's really saying is "Ask me out". But some guys just get into a texting marathon with her until she gets bored. When a woman sends me a text, I'll respond to it and let her get back to me. Then on the next text I send I say "So when are you free to get together?' Then we agree on day which is closer than one week out and I get off the phone. From then on out, it's pretty much her reaching out and me planning dates. The fastest way to get friend zoned, is to act like her therapist or one of her girlfriends texting all day long. Men take action to see her in person. 1
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Ecain, even though you don't regret having had already slept with him, what you did set the tone for him with regard to how he views you and what he'll decide to do with you as far as either pursuing you further towards the goal of exclusivity or just using you as a FWB while he pursues the other woman he's dating. In my mind's eye, "taking things slow" with someone is a person who is easing themselves into becoming sexually and emotionally intimate with another person; but, as you've clarified in your earlier postings, you do not equate becoming sexually intimate with a man with becoming exclusive with him...to you, having sex with someone regardless of how early you do it is just "another part of dating". These next few weeks will tell you whether he's still interested in you as a prospect for something more meaningful to develop between the two of you, whether he wants to continue using you as a FWB or whether he's doing the progressive fade to black. I wish you luck, OP and let us know what happens with this fellow. . 3
guest569 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 I don't understand. Are you planning or hoping that you will end up exclusive? Do you want a relationship with this guy? Or are you happy to keep things light possibly never resulting in a relationship? I have been in the situation before where a man surprised me that he is seeing someone else. I was NOT impressed and did NOT stick around. I wasn't going to compete for someone. If you're as uncertain about him as he is about you, that's fine, carry on. But it sounds like you are more interested than he is? Hence the waiting and wondering..
sunshine2 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 (edited) This is a FWB relationship and you are looking for more then just that by what you have said. It doesn't matter if he texts you ever other day or not. I was in a FWB with someone who texted me every day with Good Morning... usually something during the day and Goodnight every single day. It made me think he liked me, and I fell for him hard. We saw each other once in awhile and had dinner and sex. I found out way to late in the game that he was not interested in a relationship. If you are okay with that, then great, if not I would stop seeing him altogether before your heart gets broken. Edited March 21, 2015 by sunshine2
Gary S Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 I would not sleep with someone who was dating another. His multi-dating is good for him, bad for you. I'd look for a guy who is not dating others. Welcome to the cat-and-mouse game. 1
BluEyeL Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 No, don't ask him out. And do not ask him not to string you along. Give yourself a mental deadline by which you should become exclusive with this guy and if he's not giving that to you, cut bait. I would say, 3 months maximum. Although, if I were you, I'd cut bait now. That would be your best course of action. But of course you won't do that because you're sexually bonded and hope to turn things around. They hardly ever do turn around in such situations.
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