Speakforme Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 My boyfriend have been together for nearly 7 years and live together. We recently moved to a different state together for my job, and while I am making a decent amount of money he has been doing worse. These last few months getting him to contribute has been like pulling teeth, but even more important than the fact right now he can't pull his own weight is the fact that he's openly lying to me about his situation. For instance, he told me last month that something happened with the bank when he tried to transfer rent money into my account (likely story), then he kept saying he would put it in but never did until I finally looked at my account and noticed that he still hadnt transferred money. That day I blew up at him and asked him to put some money in my account right then, he said he would try and was doing it- but then somehow again "the bank" locked him out of his account. The money eventually came through (though not all that he owed) but from his sisters account- basically indicating he never had it at all, and was lying about these bank issues. This is just one example of this type of stuff. He also lied about what he earns at work, and what he earned last year (saying he earned more then he did). We've gone back and forth about how important honesty is and that I don't even care that much about the money. Nonetheless yesterday when I was looking at a utility he promised he paid I saw that the payment was was less then it should've been. I then noticed a charge for that utility on my credit card for part of this payment that I did not make.. I asked him repeatedly if he paid it, and he said he did. I then asked why it was on my card, and he said he forgot he did that and he meant to tell me at the time. But, Then he had a convoluted story that he thought he was putting it on his card but really it was on my card. Finally he fessed up that this whole time he knew that he put it on my card and didn't forget to ask me, but just didn't want to ask me. It was only $50, and I don't care about the money at all, it's the incessant lying to me. And in this case, taking money from my card to pay something and then acting like he paid it. He promised in previous fights that he wouldn't lie to me again, just yesterday morning he promised to regain my trust, and then to just lie to my face multiple times literally an hour later was really hurtful. Sorry that was so long! My point is right now I don't know what to do. I feel like my trust and faith in him is gone, but at the same time we've been together so long and I feel like his behavior is recent. I really thought we would get married, but now I don't know what to think. Besides this, our relationship is good and we enjoy each other. We've been through a lot, and I know this move has been hard on him. Plus, I don't really like the idea of living alone and still need his contributions to afford our apartment, even though they are small. Thanks for listening!
d0nnivain Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 What he's doing is really cr@ppy but he's probably very embarrassed. How much do you want to save this relationship & how much of the financial burden are you willing to carry & for how long? If you are willing to sit down with him & a budget showing what has to be paid every month & readjust the split based on your new respective financial positions, do that. It will hurt to hear but if you can say to him, I know you used to make $40k per year & now you only make $30k but since I went up to $50k what if I pay 60% of the bills & you only pay 40% until you get back on your feet? Ask if there are things you can cut out or do more cheaply until he gets it together again. But do make it clear that the money is misappropriated has to be paid back. Also make it clear that if he can't cover something he needs to tell you because you are willing to work with him but not if he's dishonest. Your other option is to simply bail. But in the short term, make sure you can cover every household expense. 1
preraph Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 I wouldn't put up with it. But first thing you need to do is separate your accounts and hide money from him so he simply can't get to it. 1
Jethro Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Doesn't matter how much you enjoy each other, a relationship is a team sport. If you share living expenses then that is part of the goal of the team. If he isn't pulling his weight then the team suffers! You know what coaches do when someone isn't pulling their weight? They get cut from the team. Plenty of great friendships and relationships have been destroyed by financial issues alone. I don't know how long you have been with this person but my advice is to either completely lay it on the line or separate. By laying it on the line, I mean you both have separate accounts and you both pay for the rent separately. All the bills too. Put it all on paper, write it out. Write out what he has to pay and don't let him put money in your account. Your landlord will take two separate checks to make the full amount, trust me! I repeat, do not allow him to put money in your account!! When the electric bill comes in, you write a check for your half and the bill stays on the kitchen table until his check for the other half gets put there. If it never does then let the power go out- DON'T PAY IT FOR HIM. If his half of the rent check doesn't show up, he can answer the door when the landlord comes knocking. Sorry, but this is the choice you are making by being with this guy. Remember, it's a team. Is he a valuable player or a deadbeat? Personally I would look and see what the draft has to offer. Plenty of ball players out there that will step up to the plate.
kendahke Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Why did he move with you when he didn't have a decent job lined up where you live that would have afforded him the lifestyle that you're both now living? Seems to me that unless you were willing to foot the bills until such a point that he could find comparable work where you were moving that he should have remained behind until such a time as he landed a well paying job where you now are. I think that has set up all of what you've seen fall out in experience: that he cannot afford to live where you now live and instead of being honest with you that it's not working for him and he needs to move back to where he was living and recoup his losses and yours, that he's lying to save face. I'm not condoning what he is doing, but I'm saying that him not having done what he needed to do before moving is why he and you find yourselves where you do. It might be a good idea that he moves back and you two do LDR or break up--and quite frankly, it sounds like breaking up might be what eventually happens now.
Redhead14 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 My boyfriend have been together for nearly 7 years and live together. We recently moved to a different state together for my job, and while I am making a decent amount of money he has been doing worse. These last few months getting him to contribute has been like pulling teeth, but even more important than the fact right now he can't pull his own weight is the fact that he's openly lying to me about his situation. For instance, he told me last month that something happened with the bank when he tried to transfer rent money into my account (likely story), then he kept saying he would put it in but never did until I finally looked at my account and noticed that he still hadnt transferred money. That day I blew up at him and asked him to put some money in my account right then, he said he would try and was doing it- but then somehow again "the bank" locked him out of his account. The money eventually came through (though not all that he owed) but from his sisters account- basically indicating he never had it at all, and was lying about these bank issues. This is just one example of this type of stuff. He also lied about what he earns at work, and what he earned last year (saying he earned more then he did). We've gone back and forth about how important honesty is and that I don't even care that much about the money. Nonetheless yesterday when I was looking at a utility he promised he paid I saw that the payment was was less then it should've been. I then noticed a charge for that utility on my credit card for part of this payment that I did not make.. I asked him repeatedly if he paid it, and he said he did. I then asked why it was on my card, and he said he forgot he did that and he meant to tell me at the time. But, Then he had a convoluted story that he thought he was putting it on his card but really it was on my card. Finally he fessed up that this whole time he knew that he put it on my card and didn't forget to ask me, but just didn't want to ask me. It was only $50, and I don't care about the money at all, it's the incessant lying to me. And in this case, taking money from my card to pay something and then acting like he paid it. He promised in previous fights that he wouldn't lie to me again, just yesterday morning he promised to regain my trust, and then to just lie to my face multiple times literally an hour later was really hurtful. Sorry that was so long! My point is right now I don't know what to do. I feel like my trust and faith in him is gone, but at the same time we've been together so long and I feel like his behavior is recent. I really thought we would get married, but now I don't know what to think. Besides this, our relationship is good and we enjoy each other. We've been through a lot, and I know this move has been hard on him. Plus, I don't really like the idea of living alone and still need his contributions to afford our apartment, even though they are small. Thanks for listening! If this is a recent and sudden change in his behavior, I'd suspect that something else is going on. Does he have a gambling problem or maybe using drugs? Are there any other changes in his behavior -- secretiveness, evasiveness (beyond the utility payment and financials) about his whereabouts at times or who he's been with? Did he possibly lose his job without telling you?
Author Speakforme Posted March 20, 2015 Author Posted March 20, 2015 Thanks all of the input so far! To redhead14, no it doesn't seem like that's the case. I know that at the job he's had for a long time they have been cutting back his commission, which he tells me really has made a big dent in his pay check. He did get a second job this month that pays more, so maybe more happened at the first job then he's being honest about. After all of the other lies related to this type of stuff I could see that. I also agree with the posters who have said that, not that this is an excuse for lying, but it probably stems from his embarrassment at making less money. I work at a pretty good job, and I could see him feeling inadequate. He's actually still a student too, but claims to be almost done (I say claims bc who knows at this point). Another point of annoyance to me is that he didn't take out student loans for his living expenses when he could've to at least somewhat supplement his income. Not that loans are great, but I lived off student loans for many years and it's better then nothing.
rester Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 My boyfriend have been together for nearly 7 years and live together. We recently moved to a different state together for my job, and while I am making a decent amount of money he has been doing worse. These last few months getting him to contribute has been like pulling teeth, but even more important than the fact right now he can't pull his own weight is the fact that he's openly lying to me about his situation. Is it possible you are pestering him about the money and that is why he is lying about it? I'm not excusing the lying, just trying to think about why he's doing it. I'd straight up ask him why he's lying when you don't even care about the money. There must be something going on with him to start this sort of behavior only now after 7 years together. If you had only been together a short time and he was pulling this crap, I'd suggest moving on, but since you've been together for so long and moved to a new location together, I think you both need to sit down and have a discussion about expenses. If you are making more money, you may have to contribute more for awhile. Some sort of compromise needs to happen.
Redhead14 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Thanks all of the input so far! To redhead14, no it doesn't seem like that's the case. I know that at the job he's had for a long time they have been cutting back his commission, which he tells me really has made a big dent in his pay check. He did get a second job this month that pays more, so maybe more happened at the first job then he's being honest about. After all of the other lies related to this type of stuff I could see that. I also agree with the posters who have said that, not that this is an excuse for lying, but it probably stems from his embarrassment at making less money. I work at a pretty good job, and I could see him feeling inadequate. He's actually still a student too, but claims to be almost done (I say claims bc who knows at this point). Another point of annoyance to me is that he didn't take out student loans for his living expenses when he could've to at least somewhat supplement his income. Not that loans are great, but I lived off student loans for many years and it's better then nothing. You suspect him of lying about how close he is to being finished with school as well? I think you need to start pinning him down about work, school, social life and drilling down specifically into everything. Ask him for paycheck stubs, bank records, loans, school progress reports, everything. These are significant misrepresentations and breaches of trust. What else isn't being paid that he's responsible for for himself? Does he have loans he's behind on? Feeling inadequate because he makes less money isn't an excuse for lying on such a grand scale (or any scale -- but I could see little white lies). There is something else going on. 1
StarsOnFire Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 He has put you in a really awful position. There needs to be honestly, because like you're saying, it affects other aspects of the relationship, like you questioning if he's even finishing school when he says and stuff. All I can say, if I were you, and caught him doing this one more time I'd be out. Money is pretty serious, as is stealing and lying. I don't think it's healthy to be in a relationship where you have to hide your money from your significant other, that lack of trust would be awful. Good luck!
Redhead14 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 (edited) My boyfriend have been together for nearly 7 years and live together. We recently moved to a different state together for my job, and while I am making a decent amount of money he has been doing worse. These last few months getting him to contribute has been like pulling teeth, but even more important than the fact right now he can't pull his own weight is the fact that he's openly lying to me about his situation. For instance, he told me last month that something happened with the bank when he tried to transfer rent money into my account (likely story), then he kept saying he would put it in but never did until I finally looked at my account and noticed that he still hadnt transferred money. That day I blew up at him and asked him to put some money in my account right then, he said he would try and was doing it- but then somehow again "the bank" locked him out of his account. The money eventually came through (though not all that he owed) but from his sisters account- basically indicating he never had it at all, and was lying about these bank issues. This is just one example of this type of stuff. He also lied about what he earns at work, and what he earned last year (saying he earned more then he did). We've gone back and forth about how important honesty is and that I don't even care that much about the money. Nonetheless yesterday when I was looking at a utility he promised he paid I saw that the payment was was less then it should've been. I then noticed a charge for that utility on my credit card for part of this payment that I did not make.. I asked him repeatedly if he paid it, and he said he did. I then asked why it was on my card, and he said he forgot he did that and he meant to tell me at the time. But, Then he had a convoluted story that he thought he was putting it on his card but really it was on my card. Finally he fessed up that this whole time he knew that he put it on my card and didn't forget to ask me, but just didn't want to ask me. It was only $50, and I don't care about the money at all, it's the incessant lying to me. And in this case, taking money from my card to pay something and then acting like he paid it. He promised in previous fights that he wouldn't lie to me again, just yesterday morning he promised to regain my trust, and then to just lie to my face multiple times literally an hour later was really hurtful. Sorry that was so long! My point is right now I don't know what to do. I feel like my trust and faith in him is gone, but at the same time we've been together so long and I feel like his behavior is recent. I really thought we would get married, but now I don't know what to think. Besides this, our relationship is good and we enjoy each other. We've been through a lot, and I know this move has been hard on him. Plus, I don't really like the idea of living alone and still need his contributions to afford our apartment, even though they are small. Thanks for listening! "Plus, I don't really like the idea of living alone". I want you to be really introspective and honest with yourself -- Are you hanging on to the relationship for fear of being alone? Because, in essence, you are alone. You feel like your trust and faith in him is gone, because it is. You say that the relationship is otherwise good? No relationship is good without these things. After these things, it's about "superficial" aspects and the illusion of a relationship. A relationship without trust and faith is an empty relationship. And, one other thing here, the money for the rent came from his sister. Does he owe other family members money? He's involving family members now too . . . the issue gets bigger by the minute. I'm beginning to wonder too that he really hasn't changed recently. How long have you been living together? If it's not been too long, this behavior may have existed before but because you weren't living together it wasn't as "obvious". That's reason I ask the question. If you've been living together for a long time, have you been dealing with lying from him about less significant issues over the years and brushing it aside? I'd bet he's been lying for quite some time about other things that weren't so obvious. This didn't happen over night if drugs or gambling aren't an issue. Edited March 20, 2015 by Redhead14 2
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