SpiralOut Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Was it his idea for you to "work on" on your self esteem? Because IMO the best way for you to "work on" that is to dump his ass. You deserve someone who is fully invested in you, not someone who compares you to his ex-girlfriend. Also, "I'm sorry but you were overreacting" isn't a genuine apology. 5
Arieswoman Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 He did something that really hurt, he'll toss out a cheap apology, but then completely downgrade your perception of the event. Make your feelings "the problem." This is yet another form of verbal abuse. this ^^ x100. My exH used to toss out the occasional barbed remark. I ignored it and told myself "he didn't mean it". The problem was he did mean it, but I chose not to believe that until one day he said something really nasty that reduced me to tears. I asked him why he had to say spiteful things and upset me. He said "I don't upset you, you only upset yourself". I decided at that point I couldn't live with him anymore (this was just before I found out he was cheating.) The problem was he did mean it, but I chose not to believe that. I would suggest you end this relationship now, before you get hurt any more. I ignored the signs, please don't make my mistake. 5
PrettyEmily77 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Agreed with those who said it's only the tip of the iceberg re. how he deals with arguments; deliberately hurting someone is totally abusive, and any references to exes being better in any way, especially during an argument, should be a deal-breaker. My ex was an really attractive guy whose exes were ALL hotter than me and I know because I knew a couple. He knew I felt insecure about it and when things weren't so great he'd make a point of casually dropping in conversation how I was not his 'usual type' of Megan Fox lookalikes, which made me feel even worse. Needless to say we're not together anymore... That's belittling OP, and there's no excuse for it. 5
Art_Critic Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 ouch... below the belt fighting like that.. not a good sign.. it's probably time to re-evaluate the relationship and figure out if this is who you want in your life, he won't change.. his fighting style will remain ruthless and hurtful... 3
katiegrl Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 I dunno, for ME, I don't think I could ever feel the same way about him after making a below the belt remark like that. I would just shut down...faster than he could say I was overreacting.... So for me it would be easy to dump him! 6
bolase Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I'm glad that you have some space...please don't assume that it's you who needs to work on your self esteem, ie that you have the problem...what he said was/is the problem. Just checking with you, he said it in exactly those words "at least my ex was hotter" or were you paraphrasing? Because if it was something more subtle perhaps he should get the benefit of the the doubt? Otherwise, that's pretty harsh of him. Here is what you do. Don't ask him to promise you anything, don't ask him to change or apologise - because he will say what you want to hear. Take this time to accept exactly what has happened, and imagine exactly this dynamic as your future when you two get into arguments. Listen to how you feel right now, decide if this is what you want, and make a decision based on you. I would be moving on I think. 2
Author Honeybunnies Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 (edited) Again, thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. This just lets me know what happened wasn't okay. It seems completely irrational and immature to handle an argument this way, and it makes me wary of any future disagreements. You all have made me realize this - I didn't even consider this could be his way of "handling an argument." Honestly, the whole situation was just one big red flag. No, he never told me I should work on my self esteem. That's my choice. I've had insecurities before I met him and I just want to be the sexy, confident woman I know I can be. To answer, yes, those were his exact words. "Well at least my ex was hotter!" He even had the audacity to say to me (when "apologizing"), "Look, you both have totally different features!" To which I replied, "Well then we are on totally different pages. Consider yourself totally single." I mean, damn, like I said - I know I'm not the most beautiful woman in the world but my god, does he have to compare us?? And then tell me about it?? Anyway, thank you again! Likes for everyone who posted! Edited March 22, 2015 by Honeybunnies 8
guest569 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Good for you OP! I mean, he couldn't even apologise properly. It wasn't going far from that point. 4
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I mean, damn, like I said - I know I'm not the most beautiful woman in the world but my god, does he have to compare us?? And then tell me about it?? Anyway, thank you again! Likes for everyone who posted! Look do me a favor and just erase that from your mind, this has nothing to do with whether you're the most "beautiful" woman in the world or not, that is irrelevant and just a ridiculous way to view yourself to begin with..I don't want you to ever say or think about it in that way again...I want you to only feel disrespected by this guy and acknowledge the line he was willing to cross to hurt you, and to remember that only to remind yourself that the man does not love, care, and respect you enough as he should. You comparing yourself, or even slightly validating his comments by acknowledging your lack of "beauty" will only cause you to feel unnecessarily insecure...this is ONE MAN, ONE out of a world of many. Respect yourself for who you are, love yourself for the reasons you matter to you. And someone else will fall in love with the way you love you. If you take more insecurity out of this relationship with you, you will only expose yourself to more abuse. You've got to love yourself no matter what. But you've got to set the bar for other men to follow...it is a highly attractive quality when a woman is confident in herself, and comfortable in her own skin. It's extremely sexy. 3
Krieger Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I'm glad that you have some space...please don't assume that it's you who needs to work on your self esteem, ie that you have the problem...what he said was/is the problem. Just checking with you, he said it in exactly those words "at least my ex was hotter" or were you paraphrasing? Because if it was something more subtle perhaps he should get the benefit of the the doubt? Otherwise, that's pretty harsh of him. Here is what you do. Don't ask him to promise you anything, don't ask him to change or apologise - because he will say what you want to hear. Take this time to accept exactly what has happened, and imagine exactly this dynamic as your future when you two get into arguments. Listen to how you feel right now, decide if this is what you want, and make a decision based on you. I would be moving on I think. This the part in bold ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Just tell him you do not want to see him any more and you would rather go Christmas Eve fishing with Scott Peterson than date you. wish you the best 1
guest569 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Exactly he can hardly be a judge of beauty, because from what you've told us, he is anything but beautiful. Its only his lousy opinion. Not a fact! 1
Arieswoman Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 To answer, yes, those were his exact words. "Well at least my ex was hotter!" He even had the audacity to say to me (when "apologizing"), "Look, you both have totally different features!" To which I replied, "Well then we are on totally different pages. Consider yourself totally single." Love it !! 2
Taramere Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I am not making excuses..just stating a fact. Not everyone thinks their partner is the best looking people they ever dated. I have dated few guys that aren't good looking at all but I still deeply loved. Sure no one says that but many people think that. And many people are fine with not being the hottest one for their partners. I'd agree with that. But knowing somebody's ex is generally considered better looking than you are is one thing. A partner you trust using that to hurt you is another. Somebody throwing out a meanspirited comment as the OP's boyfriend did is signalling that in conflict they're in the habit of awarding themselves the luxury of behaving in a childish and emotionally abusive manner. In a relationship where one person allows themselves to behave like that, the other is going to start either a) responding in kind (and becoming a worse human being as a result) b) Becoming depressed and suffering from some of the other side effects of being in an emotionally abusive relationship c) Will start relating to the other partner as a patient parent does with a difficult child. Or a combination of the three. If I really wanted to give the relationship another shot, I'd probably explain that to the guy. I'd say "I'm guessing one of the reasons you're with me is that you think I'm a better person to have a relationship with than your ex was. I think I probably am too, and you want to prove that you're a good person to have a relationship with, you need to do a hell of a lot better than bursting out comments like that the moment you lose your temper. Fail like that again, and we're done." 3
kendahke Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 He apologized againbut said I was overreacting. Then he really didn't apologize. He doesn't want to take responsibility for what he did. He expects you to go walk it off. You are not overreacting. If you told him that he had the smallest johnson you've ever experienced and that your ex's were far better in bed than he ever will be, I can guarantee you, if you told him after half-a$$ed apologizing (which he's done) that he was over reacting, you can best believe he'd be apoplectic. This is who he really is. He's verbally abusive and callous, with a meditative and contemptible disregard for your feelings. 1
kendahke Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 . Haven't we all be in a relationship with someone like this? Oooh, God! No!!!! Never!!! No "we" haven't.
kendahke Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Not everyone thinks their partner is the best looking people they ever dated. But do you say that to them in the heat of an argument? It's one thing to think it and quite another to articulate it. I'm sorry, but anyone who would say that has a problem with the filter between their brain and their mouth--or they have contempt for the person at whom they're aiming that mess. 1
h0000 Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 But do you say that to them in the heat of an argument? It's one thing to think it and quite another to articulate it. I'm sorry, but anyone who would say that has a problem with the filter between their brain and their mouth--or they have contempt for the person at whom they're aiming that mess. I don't mean it's Ok to say it..but that is how he truly thinks. And if it's how he thinks, does it matter he says it out or not? I suppose the question is whether OP is fine with someone to think their ex is hotter. Many people dont really mind. I am curious what brought him to say that though.Were you comparing him to your ex at that time OP? it cant be like "hey you are washing dishes""piss off at least my ex is hotter!"
Ruby Slippers Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 What a jerk. I'm sorry he said that to you, but happy to hear you got rid of the dead weight! 1
free_radicals Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I don't know if I'll ever recover from a comment like that. Just like the saying that the truth comes out when you're drunk, it also does when you're mad. This wasn't just to make you upset, rather his real thoughts.
Perrier Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 OP thank god you dumped him. I could never forgive a guy for that low blow or feel passion for him again. Verbal abuse, took no responsibility for his part in it. Labelled you as over reactive and too sensitive. Good riddance.
MoreFire Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 (edited) Well, if someone throws their ex in your face, you throw it right back, like "Well, apparently she didn't think YOU were that hot or you'd still be together." What ? You want to instill a sense of challenge in the man? never say the above. If she reaaally wanted to get down his level she could have said "well Josh got a bigger one "ahahah . No I wouldn't reccomend actually saying that but his facial expression would be priceless . I d be a bit concerned why he resents you so much to want to hurt u nd why he was thinking of his ex in the first place. Edited March 23, 2015 by MoreFire
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 If I really wanted to give the relationship another shot, I'd probably explain that to the guy. I'd say "I'm guessing one of the reasons you're with me is that you think I'm a better person to have a relationship with than your ex was. I think I probably am too, and you want to prove that you're a good person to have a relationship with, you need to do a hell of a lot better than bursting out comments like that the moment you lose your temper. Fail like that again, and we're done." But it's not necessarily true and a self-serving way of looking at it, just because a person is with you now doesn't mean comparatively you are much better than their ex as a partner, you could simply just be thy next partner, a rebound, a casual relationship turned serious by accident...or even a downgrade. They could still be in-love with their ex. In fact the main problem could have been with the person themselves...fact is you don't know the real reasons, which has nothing to do with you unless they left them for you, so how is there any correlation?..so assuming they are with you purely because you are better, is just telling yourself what you want to hear. But that's not even the main point, it was the deeper meaning of him actually saying this to her....regardless of the "truth" it wasn't appropriate and was meant to belittle and downgrade her...meaning he does not respect her. His actions there said a lot more than what he'll be willing to say to keep her around. And with that comment you're basically giving this man a chance to lie and deceive you...you're asking for it, he's not giving it...this kind of behavior which is about you trying to forcefully mold or change the meaning of what he said and the relationship into what you want him to be..this whole "second chance" kind of thing is hardly convincing, how could anyone be convinced in this way? When you already know what he said was the truth. Why must you train your partner to collaborate his words in a different way?...without even asking the truth...and does the truth even matter after that point? The damage is done. What next are you going be willing to sweep under the rug?..this is creating your own string of llies IMO, and just settings yourself up for further disappointment down the road when he doesn't behave to what he says because he doesn't say what he means because he's being coached to say what you want him to say. I see women do this crap all the time and then act "surprised" when he doesn't "change" therefore I'm going into great detail to break it down to the OP if she considers being with this guy...You can change what he says but you can't change how he feels or how he really thinks...but someone think changing the outside changes the inside...I just hope you're not one of them. 1
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