Honeybunnies Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 We live together and have been dating over a year. We were having an argument when he randomly yells, "Well at least my ex was hotter!" This had absolutely nothing to do with our argument. I was stunned, speechless, and livid. I just walked away, went to our bedroom, and closed the door. My very first thread on here was about my insecurities - that I was bigger than his ex girlfriends physically. His first serious girlfriend was a model, which I'm assuming is who he was referring to. He came in after a while and apologized he said that, that he didn't mean it, it was in the heat of the moment, and that he knew it would upset me. I told him I felt like a downgrade because he said it. I'm not naive - I know I'm not the skinniest or most beautiful woman in the world. But I don't want to hear myself being compared to someone else he's slept with. It's been almost a week since the argument and I still think about it. It doesn't help that we haven't had much sex this month so far. Maybe twice. We used to have it twice a day on good days. What should I do? He said sorry, but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or just insecure again. I know I should tell myself "he is with me, not her" but that doesn't excuse his comment.
preraph Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Well, if someone throws their ex in your face, you throw it right back, like "Well, apparently she didn't think YOU were that hot or you'd still be together." 17
Redhead14 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 We live together and have been dating over a year. We were having an argument when he randomly yells, "Well at least my ex was hotter!" This had absolutely nothing to do with our argument. I was stunned, speechless, and livid. I just walked away, went to our bedroom, and closed the door. My very first thread on here was about my insecurities - that I was bigger than his ex girlfriends physically. His first serious girlfriend was a model, which I'm assuming is who he was referring to. He came in after a while and apologized he said that, that he didn't mean it, it was in the heat of the moment, and that he knew it would upset me. I told him I felt like a downgrade because he said it. I'm not naive - I know I'm not the skinniest or most beautiful woman in the world. But I don't want to hear myself being compared to someone else he's slept with. It's been almost a week since the argument and I still think about it. It doesn't help that we haven't had much sex this month so far. Maybe twice. We used to have it twice a day on good days. What should I do? He said sorry, but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or just insecure again. I know I should tell myself "he is with me, not her" but that doesn't excuse his comment. You have observed a change in your relationship on a sexual level and now you have two empirical indicators that something is lacking in the relationship -- His comment and his behavior. You are not being insecure. I would open a casual, non-threatening conversation with him now and say something like "You know, that comment was hurtful to me and I am accepting your apology and willing to leave it in the past, but I have noticed that our sex life has declined since that time. I'd like to work on that and if there is anything bothering you, I'd like it if you talked to me about it." and then let him talk. If he is evasive or defensive, you should let it drop. Observe whether your sex life begins to improve for a bit. If it doesn't, continue to observe his other behaviors, comments, etc. for an indicator that something else is going on with him and address it again. 5
Timshel Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 That was a below the belt hit. He knows how to hurt you doesn't he. A follow-up conversation would be best. There are better ways to have a disagreement with someone; throwing darts to get your way is not mature problem solving and results in destroying the relationship. You are still upset a week later when this should be resolved and done. If he is a person who will hurt you to resolve a disagreement, I would be wary of your future. Past relationships should remain in the past, they have nothing to do with the two of you. Have a dinner together and talk about what that felt like for you and ask that he never use that tactic with you again to try to win an argument. If he is not respectful of your feelings in the future, that is a good indication of where your relationship is headed and that you should move away from him. 14
SawtoothMars Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 It's been almost a week since the argument and I still think about it. It doesn't help that we haven't had much sex this month so far. Maybe twice. We used to have it twice a day on good days. What should I do? He said sorry, but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or just insecure again. I know I should tell myself "he is with me, not her" but that doesn't excuse his comment. The sex dropoff is a big deal. I think he was angry with you and just saying whatever he thought would hurt your feelings most. Good chance you ARE prettier, but he knows you are insecure about this... and that it would hurt. With all that said... you need to decide if this is the kind of guy you want to be attached to. I'm not sure that I could live with someone who says stuff JUST to hurt me. That kind of argument style is bad news. 3
guest569 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 I'm not sure that I could live with someone who says stuff JUST to hurt me. That kind of argument style is bad news. Personally, I couldn't go on with the relationship after that. It's a very immature thing to say and I would always wonder about it and feel insecure. Even in the heat of the moment, why say something like that just to upset you? It's disgraceful and in my view, would take a lot of convincing to forgive. If someone treats you like 2nd best, they really don't deserve you. Having said that, if you are willing to sort things out, it's going to take a bit of work. He needs to take the comments back properly and reassure you to restore your confidence. It doesn't sound like he has done so as yet. The lack of sex is probably just due to this tension, whatever it is that you are arguing about. 6
Buddhist Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 No it doesn't excuse his comment at all. I guess what he's given you is a flash insight into the way he really thinks and no amount of apologies can change what you now know about him. We like to think that men love, sadly a lot of them really don't, they objectify. Being confronted with that is what you are grappling with more than your personal insecurities. The only thing to do now is to decide within yourself whether having a partner with this mentality is something you are willing to accept. If not then you know what you need to do. 7
kendahke Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 This is his first shot across the bow in this manner. The next time, it will be worse--and there will be a next time. He doesn't know how to reconcile a disagreement without taking a swipe at you where you're most vulnerable because he wants you to hurt. That's mean. Time for you to re-evaluate the wisdom in being with him. Do you think your self esteem can withstand these blasts? 6
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Well, if someone throws their ex in your face, you throw it right back, like "Well, apparently she didn't think YOU were that hot or you'd still be together." Childish and resolves nothing. OP, he obviously dipped into your insecurities to hurt you...do not lower yourself to that level...that jabs will get worse and the pain and resentment will only grow...you can't erase things like that. I think you need to take a good hard look at this relationship and determine whether it's one you want to be in. He did mean it btw, guys don't tend to lie about that kind of thing, but he'll take it back obviously. He didn't respect you enough to tell you that..it sounds like he's trying to sabotage the relationship...like I said, think real hard about whether thus relationship is worth it. 4
Phoe Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Oh geez. That's rough. I've been there. I made the mistake of not really doing anything about it and letting it slide out of fear. Don't be like me! 2
dreamingoftigers Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 No it doesn't excuse his comment at all. I guess what he's given you is a flash insight into the way he really thinks and no amount of apologies can change what you now know about him. We like to think that men love, sadly a lot of them really don't, they objectify. Being confronted with that is what you are grappling with more than your personal insecurities. The only thing to do now is to decide within yourself whether having a partner with this mentality is something you are willing to accept. If not then you know what you need to do. Welcome to the world of Verbal Abuse. If this is how he handles conflict, he will flatten your self-esteem in time. You have had your first real incident and there will be more. Men like this don't change until they hit the wall hard. I don't know that women who do this change at all. Sorry to say. There isn't enough out there (yet) to educate women on their role in abuse and domestic violence. It's still looked at as primarily a "male issue." It may sound harsh to say it's verbal abuse, but it absolutely is. Words designed specifically to hurt. He knew where you were vulnerable and hit that spot. 4
Author Honeybunnies Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 Thank you everyone for your words and advice. I agree - he definitely did this intentionally to hurt me. I talked to him about it tonight, saying it was a low blow, that it's never okay to intentionally hurt another person, especially someone you supposedly love. He apologized again but said I was overreacting. And now, he isn't staying here tonight. He is staying with his mom while I reconsider our relationship and work on my self esteem. I've felt very self conscious lately because our sex life has declined - he knows this and he still made that comment. Are you kidding me? He did mean it btw, guys don't tend to lie about that kind of thing, but he'll take it back obviously. He didn't respect you enough to tell you that. This is exactly what I thought. It's like he blurted out his real opinion because he knew it would hurt me. I just don't buy that he "didn't mean it." That isn't something you pull out of your @$$ - it's something you clearly believe to be true. 4
Gary S Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 This is why people should practice self-control and not get into heated arguments. When you say something like that, you can't take it back. But let me give you some information that might help you feel better. He's not with her, he's with you - because he loves you, not her. That's the important part. 4
Timshel Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Welcome to the world of Verbal Abuse. If this is how he handles conflict, he will flatten your self-esteem in time. You have had your first real incident and there will be more. Men like this don't change until they hit the wall hard. I don't know that women who do this change at all. Sorry to say. There isn't enough out there (yet) to educate women on their role in abuse and domestic violence. It's still looked at as primarily a "male issue." It may sound harsh to say it's verbal abuse, but it absolutely is. Words designed specifically to hurt. He knew where you were vulnerable and hit that spot. Yes sweetie. ^^this^^ Good for you saying no. 3
preraph Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Thank you everyone for your words and advice. I agree - he definitely did this intentionally to hurt me. I talked to him about it tonight, saying it was a low blow, that it's never okay to intentionally hurt another person, especially someone you supposedly love. He apologized again but said I was overreacting. And now, he isn't staying here tonight. He is staying with his mom while I reconsider our relationship and work on my self esteem. I've felt very self conscious lately because our sex life has declined - he knows this and he still made that comment. Are you kidding me? This is exactly what I thought. It's like he blurted out his real opinion because he knew it would hurt me. I just don't buy that he "didn't mean it." That isn't something you pull out of your @$$ - it's something you clearly believe to be true. Funny how he can't take any responsibility for being the one who needs to work on himself here. Work on your self-esteem? What about him carrying a torch for his ex because she was hot when she doesn't even want him anymore? It was a low blow, and I'd tell him he could go suck it. Because seriously, you want to have sex with him after that crap? 2
h0000 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 (edited) I dont think he said t just to hurt you. I think he does think his ex is physically better looking but you must be personally a better fit for him. Haven't we all be in a relationship with someone like this? And normally he wouldn't say that but heat of the moment he slipped. I think you just need to accept the fact or find someone who thinks you are physically good looking enough. I dont think this comment alone means he loves you any less though. You can still deeply love someone who isnt model looking. and not really love someone who is a model. It's just a matter whether it's good enough for you that he doesn't think you are the hottest girl he's ever had. Edited March 21, 2015 by h0000 1
guest569 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 You're not overreacting OP, Dont let him fool you into believing that. You shouldn't need to work on your self esteem, because you shouldn't be with someone who diminishes your self esteem in the first place. Haven't we all be in a relationship with someone like this? And normally he wouldn't say that but heat of the moment he slipped. I think you just need to accept the fact or find someone who thinks you are physically good looking enough. No, I've not. Are you making excuses for his behaviour? "My ex is hotter than you" there's no excuse for that rubbish. What the hell, who says that? 4
gaius Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 That's one of those ugly truths (no pun intended) I don't think you can ever recover from. =/ 5
h0000 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 You're not overreacting OP, Dont let him fool you into believing that. You shouldn't need to work on your self esteem, because you shouldn't be with someone who diminishes your self esteem in the first place. No, I've not. Are you making excuses for his behaviour? "My ex is hotter than you" there's no excuse for that rubbish. What the hell, who says that? I am not making excuses..just stating a fact. Not everyone thinks their partner is the best looking people they ever dated. I have dated few guys that aren't good looking at all but I still deeply loved. Sure no one says that but many people think that. And many people are fine with not being the hottest one for their partners. 1
organizedchaos Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Thank you everyone for your words and advice. I agree - he definitely did this intentionally to hurt me. I talked to him about it tonight, saying it was a low blow, that it's never okay to intentionally hurt another person, especially someone you supposedly love. He apologized again but said I was overreacting. And now, he isn't staying here tonight. He is staying with his mom while I reconsider our relationship and work on my self esteem. I've felt very self conscious lately because our sex life has declined - he knows this and he still made that comment. Are you kidding me? This is exactly what I thought. It's like he blurted out his real opinion because he knew it would hurt me. I just don't buy that he "didn't mean it." That isn't something you pull out of your @$$ - it's something you clearly believe to be true. Exactly. He's obviously thought this to himself in the past. And now just blurted it out to hurt you. You know how he really feels now. Can you live with that? 5
Leigh 87 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Wow. I was crazy about a guy back in Jan. I knew he wasn't "hot" by most women's standards. I had been with "hotter" men. And yet, at the time, he was THE hottest, most sexy man in the world... I had never been MORE sexually attracted to ANY other man at that point in time; all I could think about was him, him, him. He was all I day dreamt about, I NEVER wished he was "hotter". There is something seriously wrong with a person who SAYS that during a heated argument - and he meant it, by the way.......A man who was truly enamoured with you and " into" you in EVERY sense of the word, would NOT " view" his ex as "hotter" than you. And he wouldn't FEEL it, either ^ there is a dif between KNOWING an ex was hotter to more men, and FEELING that she was hotter to him. When you go through limerence and when you have that spark and "true" chemistry - you feel "head over heels" and you also wind up being very compatible...THEN - and only then - you tend to think your partner is THE most beautiful woman/most sexy man in the universe....... Low passion relationships that are based more on friendship often have one or both parties feeling that " they have had better":sick: Personally, I am waiting to meet another men who thinks I am his 10/10 his HIS eyes (knowing full well TO OTHERS I am not winning nay beauty contests!) I have had men who, after a break up, in the heat of the moment - confessed " you are really ordinary Leigh 87, you won't ever get a guy who adores you unless you seriously lower your standards" ..When that man was in love with me and passionate about me ^ he would always tell me regularly that " you are the most beautiful woman in the world" (to him)....... I could never remain with a man who felt that way about me. Not a chance. Being alone for life is better- at least you can have hot flings with men who think you ARE hot stuff, as opposed to a man who feels he has "settled" for you:sick: 4
Leigh 87 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 By the way, I know couples where the man still whispers into my friends ears: " you know that you are the most beautiful woman in this restaurant" And they mean it. Yes these women are "pretty" but many women are pretty too! These women in particular are, quite simply, THE most beautiful women in their partners/husbands eyes. It is so very sweet! Don't settle for less! Some men are truly crazy about their partners and wouldn't dream of ..... comparing their rating out of 10 with an EX.... 5
seekingpeaceinlove Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Ouch. Don't know if I could get over a comment like that. That's almost like saying to a guy, " My ex had a bigger dick!" He would never be able to forget that would he? The real issue is not necessarily what he said but the fact that he hit you where he knew it would really hurt. That, for me, is a deal breaker. If your bf cannot acknowledge this and promise to work on it, you are in for a tough road ahead. I believe people should be forgiven for their mistakes if they acknowledge their wrongs, show remorse and make an effort to correct their behavior moving forward. In a healthy partnership, both parties try to put themselves in the other person's shoes and show compassion. If he cannot understand the real issue and continues to dismiss this situation as you "overreacting," I think you really may need to rethink the future of your relationship. 6
Arieswoman Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 honeybunnies, What he said was mean, spiteful and immature. Timshel post #4 nails it here: If he is a person who will hurt you to resolve a disagreement, I would be wary of your future ^^^^ x 100 I can't see a future here - sorry x 1
dreamingoftigers Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Thank you everyone for your words and advice. I agree - he definitely did this intentionally to hurt me. I talked to him about it tonight, saying it was a low blow, that it's never okay to intentionally hurt another person, especially someone you supposedly love. He apologized again but said I was overreacting. And now, he isn't staying here tonight. He is staying with his mom while I reconsider our relationship and work on my self esteem. I've felt very self conscious lately because our sex life has declined - he knows this and he still made that comment. Are you kidding me? This is exactly what I thought. It's like he blurted out his real opinion because he knew it would hurt me. I just don't buy that he "didn't mean it." That isn't something you pull out of your @$$ - it's something you clearly believe to be true. Re: the bolded. This is yet another form of verbal abuse. He did something that really hurt, he'll toss out a cheap apology, but then completely downgrade your perception of the event. Make your feelings "the problem." You're "too sensitive." It "wasn't a big deal." Real remorse means taking responsibility for the damage caused. The whole thing coupled with the drop-down in sex etc just seems so passive-aggressive. Not good partner material. 5
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