duckrabbit Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 So after four months, my WW has finally taken some steps; STD test, scheduled a meeting with our pastor and renewed interest in IC. This only came after I specifically threatened D and had some more difficult conversation. I should feel relieved but don't really feel much at all. Not sure what this all means. One more fragment of confusion.
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Well...it is progress...but i would feel so much better if she had made those decisions on her own instead of under pressure. Maybe much good will come out of it. I hope and pray for your sake it does and it is not too little too late. My best to you. 2
Mal78 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 So after four months, my WW has finally taken some steps; STD test, scheduled a meeting with our pastor and renewed interest in IC. This only came after I specifically threatened D and had some more difficult conversation. I should feel relieved but don't really feel much at all. Not sure what this all means. One more fragment of confusion. Do you think that the fact you don't feel relieved is because her steps are being made under pressure? These are not *her* choices to prove her remorse and repentance. However that being said D is obviously not what she wants so she is now doing the steps. I get how you feel though. To me, true repentance comes from the heart. When it's us forcing the hand we wonder if it could ever be genuine. It may during the process or it may not, only you can determine. You always have the option of D at any stage. If she does all the steps and *only* going through the motions of the process and you clearly feel/see this then don't let her use the fact she did it. Good Luck.
No Limit Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 It doesn't sound like a sincere reconciliation to me. Don't you notice how for everything except begging you to stay you've had to push her and threaten her with divorce? The only thing she's worried about is how people look at her, and society isn't kind to cheaters. You're confused because it's the WS that has to do the effort, yet it's you who's doing all the work. You know something's off. 2
DKT3 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 (edited) I think your case is an example of why BH's don't stay often. I think a lot of us refuse to take a strong stance from the start, we instead go into the "pick me dance" or "win her back mode". This honestly gives the WW a great deal of power, with which they use to gaslight us while they mourn the loss of the AP. Instead of making a stance we build resentment and continue to take their poor treatment of us until we don't, which at that point there is little to nothing they can do to right the ship. I believe that your ship has nosed itself right up to the point of no return. I think something that a lot of us that have divorced can tell you, there is a point were you get calm in all this mess. I think that is a sign that you've accepted that you may have to end the marriage. I sense that calm in you, as opposed to your eariler posts. There is a really good chance that your wife also senses that calm and that you have gained some distance. I'm sure its not the first time you mentioned the D word to her, but its likely the first time that your actions have matched those words. I wouldn't automatically assume that she isn't real in her renewed efforts, it could be that your distance and calm has convinced her that her time is now. However, I fear your time may have passed. Edited March 20, 2015 by DKT3 6
flowergirl14 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Its what the ws does on their own to show remorse. Does she set up the ic? Does she delete the fb account or email account she used to communicate with the om? Not because you ask her to but because she wants to do everything to right the wrong. Not too many ws do. Usually the bs has to cry and be angry and then they start to do something. This is just to smooth things over.
drifter777 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Four months isn't long enough to even get your bearings straight. Are you in IC? If not you should consider it. You have a long, tough, painful road ahead of you and your going to need help. For your WW - interest in IC means nothing. She needs to make the appointment and take the time to see a counselor. You guys need a plan with some rules and boundaries to begin the reconciliation process. That's really hard to do without a marriage counselor to guide you both through the process. One of the big reasons you didn't just walk away was your 3 kids. Remember that you can be great father to them without living with their mother so don't trap yourself with that line of thinking. Be strong with your WW but be reasonable. That's a tough line to walk without a trained 3rd party to help. I think MC will move you both forward on whatever path is right for you as a couple.
LifesontheUp Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 When I found out about my husbands affair he gave me the she is my sole mate, crutch etc etc rubbish. So I kicked him out and said go get her. It took him nearly 2 weeks and he was begging for another chance. Now at that point I just didn't know what I wanted but I knew I didn't want him back with me so I agreed to try and see if we could fix it. It took me 6 months but I slowly up until then started to realise that I didn't want to stay married or be with him any longer. And one important thing was that I knew I could never forget what he did including his decision initially on dday to end his affair. I think it may be too soon for you but I have a feeling that her actions are too late. I don't think what you are feeling is wrong but consequence of your wife's inaction. Not only her affair but her actions following may have cost her her marriage. But that's in her and not on you.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 So after four months, my WW has finally taken some steps; STD test, scheduled a meeting with our pastor and renewed interest in IC. Has she been completely NC with her OM since DDay? Mr. Lucky
Author duckrabbit Posted March 22, 2015 Author Posted March 22, 2015 Once again, thank you for all of your responses. I agree with those of you who are speculating that, perhaps, I am not relieved due to the fact that she only took these steps after months of repeated conversations and a certain amount of duress. That may be a sticking point that I am not able to get past. Right now, I would say that there is a high probability that that will be the case. DKT3: Thank you for noticing the calm that has come over me. I have come to terms with the fact that this may lead to the end of our marriage. I think the reality of that possibility is only now occurring to her and that may be one reason she has finally taken action. drifter777: I am going to have to respectfully disagree with you somewhat. Even though it has been a short time, I feel as though I have regained maybe 75% of my bearings and have been able to be far more active in my life than I did immediately after DDay. That being said, yes, I am in IC and that has been very helpful. Our MC is back on track now so I hope to see some more signs of progress as we continue down that road. You are certainly correct about being able to be a good father without living with their mother. In fact, my financial situation might be changing soon that would enable me to be financially independent. That would add another level onto the weighted question of to stay or not to stay. Lifesontheup: You very well may be correct in how this will play out for me. I will say that I am not afraid when I imagine my life without her in it and that I do find my days easier when our interactions are at a minimum. These are probably not positive signs and I do recognize that. Mr. Lucky: She had a few hiccups with NC for a few weeks after DDay, but I am quite convinced that her only contact with him is strictly professional now. They work for the same company but he lives in a different state so they only interact on weekly conference calls with no individual communications. She is good about telling me whenever she does have to speak directly with him, which is helpful. Phone records that I can access verify what she says, though, of course, I cannot see or know what could potentially happen on a work phone. There is always a level of uncertainty that cannot be verified on my end. For now, though, I am willing to trust what I can independently check on my own. Thanks again, everyone. I will keep updating as things develop.
No Limit Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 they only interact on weekly conference calls with no individual communications Red flag. You don't actually believe that there's no way of them communicating at work, do you? It appears the A has just lost its physical aspect. And even if this were true, your wife will always be reminded of their time together. 2
turnera Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Have you had her write a No Contact letter to him ending the affair and telling him to stay away from her? It's an important psychological step.
beach Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Red flag. You don't actually believe that there's no way of them communicating at work, do you? It appears the A has just lost its physical aspect. And even if this were true, your wife will always be reminded of their time together. IF she intends to repair the damage she caused - she should be willing to quit that job today! She should be willing to never have contact with him again! And don't think for one minute that she doesn't have other contact with him outside of those conference calls. Find out IF the marriage is her top priority - tell her to expose the A to the company and quit today.
road Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 I have seen many marriages recover when the WW had some break in NC, drag their feet to go to IC and get STD tests. It is hard for many WW to turn it around. As with any addiction some people have more trouble. Take cigarette smoking some can never quit, many do quit, though a few can just go cold turkey. Be happy that progress is being made. You are manning up and making her face consequences. Nothing wrong with you supplying the need for change. The one big concern is that there is no NC at work. Your WW needs to leave this job. I would suggest you push for WW to leave there. Was there a work place exposure?
Mr. Lucky Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Phone records that I can access verify what she says, though, of course, I cannot see or know what could potentially happen on a work phone. There is always a level of uncertainty that cannot be verified on my end. For now, though, I am willing to trust what I can independently check on my own. Thanks again, everyone. I will keep updating as things develop. I'm sure you know there's a myriad of disposable phones, social networking apps and other ways she could break NC if desired. Why do you think it took her 4 month's to ramp up her efforts? Mr. Lucky
Author duckrabbit Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 It seems like forever since I've been around here, but I finally have some time to respond to a few more of these comments. To those who are indicating that she should quit her job: I fully see where you are coming from here; however, our home situation is such that this simply isn't plausible. I do not make enough money or have stable enough work to be able to support the family without her paycheck. This is also a contributing factor as to why I haven't filed for D. Hence, there has been no workplace exposure. She is typically forthcoming about whenever she has contact with him at work via phone without me asking her about it, which is a good thing. I have been noticing some phone calls to his store on our bill recently though that she has not mentioned to me. I have yet to confront her on what those were about. Honestly, my focus lately has been on another major issue in our M and that is the fact that my WW, who has always been the one to handle our taxes, hasn't filed for the last three years and never touched the accounting for the business that we had together as well. After listening to her claim that she is going to take care of these things over and over I finally went to meet with a CPA and put together a plan of action that I fully intended to do with or without her. Earlier this week, we had a blow out over this issue which resulted in her locking herself in our bathroom rattling around bottles of pills. I called the suicide line and was about to dial 911 when she came out. I dredged this all up in MC yesterday and today she finally acknowledged that I was right and she would go along with my plans for fixing our finances. I was also firm with her in the MC session that, if there is another episode where she talks of suicide or locks herself in a room while in such a state, that I would call the police with no questions asked. I feel like I've won a major victory here; however it has its bitter edge. The fact that I had to fight this hard to set a plan in motion that will only be helpful for our family and that is the responsible adult thing to do is hard to swallow. Again, she chalks her inaction up to her depression, but I am wondering at what point that becomes just a convenient excuse for her refusal to face the reality of hard situations. As with the STD testing and every other major step in this process, I feel like I'm the one having to be the arbiter of change and I'm getting a little sick of it. Is it right of me to feel this way or should I simply be happy that she is taking some steps, even if I have to be the one leading the way? It just really seems to me like she feels that her excessive hours at work and the fact that she is seeing a new IC and attending the MC sessions that I schedule is satisfactory. Am I missing something here?
Friskyone4u Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 You better find out what those phone calls to him were . If it's another "hiccup", You are back to square one
DKT3 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Too be honest, I don't see much to save or fight for. Your wife is still active in her affair, and gaslighting you with a lot of your help. Neither of you are doing anything to actually "fix" or work on the problem. 3
aliveagain Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 She should be kissing your a$$ for a second chance, this is not what remorse looks like. This is what feeling sorry for getting caught banging a co-worker looks like. Do what is best for you. If she isn't doing enough to make you feel safe, fire her as your wife. She did this to your marriage and she needs to do the heavy lifting to fix it. Sounds like she just hasn't done enough. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 I feel like I've won a major victory here; however it has its bitter edge. The fact that I had to fight this hard to set a plan in motion that will only be helpful for our family and that is the responsible adult thing to do is hard to swallow. Again, she chalks her inaction up to her depression, but I am wondering at what point that becomes just a convenient excuse for her refusal to face the reality of hard situations. As with the STD testing and every other major step in this process, I feel like I'm the one having to be the arbiter of change and I'm getting a little sick of it. Is it right of me to feel this way or should I simply be happy that she is taking some steps, even if I have to be the one leading the way? They teach in Nar-Anon (in regards to addiction) the three C's - you didn't Cause, you can't Control and you won't Cure someone else. Certainly many parallels with infidelity. It's not the BS's job to fix the WS, as you're finding out you can't even if you want to. And so it becomes a personal decision about what works for you - what steps, effort and results does it take to make you feel she's trying? Assuming you've communicated this to her, the balls in her court. Make your decisions accordingly... Mr. Lucky
No Limit Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 The more you write the more I feel like you depend on her. Co-dependency shouldn't be what keeps you in a marriage, especially not with someone like her.
Author duckrabbit Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 NoLimit, I would agree that I am codependent in the financial sense only right now. Emotionally I am prepared for the probability of D;however, I need to get myself straightened out in a stable job before I can take action in that sense.
turnera Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 What are you doing to find that job? She will never 'care' until she sees she can lose you.
Author duckrabbit Posted April 18, 2015 Author Posted April 18, 2015 Turnera: I am interviewing at places almost every day and am also waiting for clearance on a major career change that could occur in a few months time. Any of these paths would enable financial independence.
spanz1 Posted April 18, 2015 Posted April 18, 2015 When I found out about my husbands affair he gave me the she is my sole mate, crutch etc etc rubbish. So I kicked him out and said go get her. It took him nearly 2 weeks and he was begging for another chance. . on the other hand, some people kick out their spouse for a separation, and the cheater takes that as a green light to really start to screw around, including having their cheating partner move in to their apartment. So one has to take that step carefully and after some thought. if you read all the threads on Reconciliation, those that succeeded and those that were a waste of 2 years, the ones that succeeded had the wayward spouse really being remorseful, and doing all they can to convince you that they are changed! It does not sound like she is doing ANY of that heavy lifting. She is just shocked that her financial provider might be growing a pair and shutting her off--she for sure wants THAT gravy train to continue. But unless she is providing you with what YOU need, why would you go along with that? Maybe YOU need your own counselor who understands cheating women, and hash it out in detail with the counselor. they have seen it all, over and over, and will see thru any false reconciliation your wife is trying to foist on you. Counselor will make sure you stick up for your own rights too.
Recommended Posts