BrokenHearted83 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Hi all, My husband and I have been together 10 years, married for 4, we have a 2 year old little boy together. To cut a long story shory, i had complications after having my son and was unable to have sex (this is sorted now). My husband kissed a co worker at his xmas party in december, which lead to an emotional affair (they were texing 40-50 times a day). He told me he'd ended it 3 times but it still continued. Throughout this all he maintained that he loved me and wanted to work through the problems. he kept saying he had deamonds he needed to deal with. He decided to have some time out and stay at his fathers house, however, before the 2 weeks were up he came home and said he was leaving, 3 days later he's on holiday with this womand and 5 days later hes 'in a relationship' with her. he tells me he loves her and has never felt like this before - surly this is just honemoon period/exitment? I want him back, i know he's treated me bad but i want my family together again. i know if he worked at it we would make it work. Please help me with advice on what to do to win him back and personal experiences from people in a similar situation. It's been 5 weeks now, my son and I miss him.
d0nnivain Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 You get marriage counseling. This is too big & too important to try to do it without professional input. N.B. this can't be fixed if your husband doesn't stop emotionally engaging her. He also ought to be sending out resumes to get a new job. 2
Author BrokenHearted83 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Posted March 20, 2015 He's living at his fathers at the moment and saying he's happy with her, he won't try to work at things at all because of this daze he's living in! 1
elaine567 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 He has cheated on you and say he loves someone else, why do you want him back? This may be an affair fog, but most MM do not leave the marriage for the OW, so your husband takng this huge step, is not good news for you unfortunately if you want him back. T I think you need to carve out a good life for yourself and your little boy and forget him. If you show him how good your life is, he may come back, but by that time, once your life is in order, I doubt you would want him back. I guess he would only cheat on you again anyway. 1
d0nnivain Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 He's living at his fathers at the moment and saying he's happy with her, he won't try to work at things at all because of this daze he's living in! Then you accept that it's over & you do what you have to in order to protect yourself & your child. You talk to a lawyer to start the divorce & you get yourself some therapy. You can't force him back. Even if you tried & he came back for a while it would be a sham, just delaying the inevitable because he'd always be 1/2 out the door. 3
sabd Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 I know exactly what you're going through as the same thing happened to me 10 years ago when my then husband met someone at work and had an emotional affair with her that I found out about by accident. When I confronted him, he denied any affair and said she was just a friend but I wasn't buying it so I gave him an ultimatum: either end it with her and go to counseling with me to repair our marriage or stay with her and move out. He chose to leave. Of course, it was completely devastating and I did everything I could to try and win him back so that our family would stay together but unfortunately, if one party isn't willing, absolutely nothing you do will change their minds, especially if they are already getting what they need from someone else. I though I'd never get over it but eventually I did. And much to my surprise and delight, I discovered that there is life after divorce! It seemed like the worst thing in the world at the time but now I look back on it all and see that it was the right thing, for both of us. He is still with the same woman and I am happy and thriving. If this is the end of your marriage, just know that you WILL recover. If its not, and he agrees to work things out with you, I suggest professional counseling. All the best to you. 3
darkmoon Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 he is in a whirlwind courtship i say let it go wrong, been in a whirlwind courtship, they are flimsy, nobody really knows each other 1
amaysngrace Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 If he left he doesn't want the family the same way that you do at this time. You cannot do anything to make him come back. That's his choice. But I'd go get some counseling if I were you. You brought up that you could not have sex for a while after you gave birth as if that has something to do with your current situation. Why do you think that? 1
elaine567 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 he is in a whirlwind courtship i say let it go wrong, been in a whirlwind courtship, they are flimsy, nobody really knows each other Maybe, maybe not she was a coworker, they have maybe known each other for a long time. However it was important enough for him to leave the family home and his little son, and that is why it should be taken very seriously by the OP. She cannot waste her life waiting and hoping for something that may never happen. She needs to get an attorney to protect herself and to find out her rights. He has the advantage here, he may have been planning this for months. She needs to be on her guard for anything he may throw at her. The last thing the OP would want is for him to move the mistress into the house, or for him to sell the house and the OP has to find new accommodation rapidly. She needs to know exactly where she stands, so she can prepare for a future without him. 3
Rainbowlove Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 My husband kissed a co worker at his xmas party in december, which lead to an emotional affair (they were texing 40-50 times a day). I question how honest he's been with you. A kiss doesn't lead to an emotional affair. An emotional affair leads to a kiss. This was physical, so the emotional affair was going on long before the kiss. 2.5 Months after "the kiss" he moves out and leaves his family? This has been going on much longer, my dear. I'm sorry to say. Best thing you can do for you is to cut him loose. Do not tell him you miss him. Do not tell him you love him. Do not beg him to come home. He will continue to live in this fantasy state as long as he thinks you are an option. Tough love here. I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm sorry he's a dumb arse and walked out on his kids. Those poor babies must be hurting so much. Focus your attention on being strong for them. Do you have good family support? Friends? Counselor? 1
ZiggyZoo Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 My ex-husband left me for another woman about four years ago. We were married for seven years, and have three girls together. I know that right now, you just want things to get back to where they were, and have this pain stop. But the fact of the matter is, you likely aren't going to get that wish. My ex married the OW in my situation, despite everyone saying that they wouldn't last, it was just a rebound...it happened though. The best thing you can do is to assume that this is how it's going to be, and prepare your heart accordingly. I know how much it hurts right now, but you WILL get through this. You'll start to feel yourself recovering, and you'll fight it, because letting go will hurt all over again. But there will come a day where you'll look at him and wonder what you were so upset about in the first place. This isn't what you want to hear, but it'll all be OK. It's a process, but one that plenty of us on here have gone through. Big hugs from me, this is truly one of the most painful experiences anybody should have to go though. You're not alone though, and you can get through this. Believe that. 2
PegNosePete Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Wow, he has treated you so badly. Why in the 7 rings of Hades would you want him back, after he's done that to you? Have some self respect girl. 1
FancyFace Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 At this point, where he has moved out into another womans arms, I doubt he is coming back anytime soon, if at all. There is nothing you can do to make a grown man want you, love you, desire you or commit to you. You have to face reality for what it is right now. He is gone and you need to start adjusting yours and your kids lives accordingly. Your focus needs to be solely on moving on, healing and doing everything you possibly can to shield your children from unecessary pain. Therapy, if you can afford it, a good divorce attorney so you can protect your interests and that of the children and losts of gentle kindness towards yourself in the coming months is key. Just know that you didnt do anything to deserve this kind of betrayl and as much as you can't see it right now, there really is light at the end of the tunnel and things will get better. Sending you light and love. 3
Lunay Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 I have seen this happen to a friend of mine... He did come crawling back a few months later but by then she had already moved onto a better life. I really hope you can do that, because this man is not a good husband. If he really loved you he wouldn't have kissed anyone, or started an affair with anyone. Even with counselling you may even keep the "what ifs" in the back of your head forever. I wouldn't be able to live with that. 3
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