When men try to turn a friendzone into a romance

[LookAtThisPOst]

Quite often at the Meetups, men would befriend a certain woman, only to turn it into a romance after she friendzone's him.

 

 

I Have a close, personal female friend of mine (she's 50) that has dealt with this on numerous occasions where some man from Meetup would ask her out and she would respond, "We can go out as friends, sure."

 

And the man will go along with it, and would attempt to turn it into a coupleship of sorts by going together to Meetups or public events ( he'd pick her up ) and then would start calling her "honey" or putting his hand at the small of her back while she was talking to others.

 

This would make her very uncomfortable to the point that after the event was over, she'd say, "Hey ,listen, please don't do that because other people (men likely) will think she's spoken for."

 

She's constantly had to deal with this to the point where she would stop going to events...apparently these men didn't do anything for her in the physical attraction department which was likely the reason why she didn't date them, but thought they were nice enough to spend time with.

 

I had to cut things off recently with a woman (age 51) that was still rather naive when it came to men. She told me she asked her brother and father, "Are men okay with just being friends with women they hang out with?"

 

BOTH gave an emphatic "No!" answer.

 

She was a rather attractive woman, so it would just make sense, but I'm surprised, too that some women are kind of naive to this even into her later years.

 

But I was wondering if some of the ladies here had to deal with such a situation in the past with back-to-back men not wanting to be your buddy but be romantic?

 

How did you deal with it? Were there any hard feelings? Did men attempt to spend time with you, alone, only to attempt to "put the moves on you" at a later time?

[d0nnivain]

I would rarely say such a thing to a man because in my experience, men would rather be ignored then friendzoned & trying to be friends gives them false hope & an opening to engage in the very acts you are describing.

 

 

if I truly wanted to be friends, I would not let him pick me up. I would call him on the physical contact the second it happened. "My friends don't touch me like that." I would never let him pay for anything until it was my birthday or something. I'd stop the "honey" type comments. And most importantly, I would constantly throw other women in his path, act as his "wingman" & try to find him someone who wasn't me.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

"Men have zero interest in being mere 'friends' with women they wouldn't rather be banging."

 

(and yes there are exceptions connected to work, family, and neighbors)

 

ergo

 

 

Any seeming "friendship" with a woman pursued by a man gives clear and total indication that said man would prefer to be banging that woman.

 

 

Women constantly insult and offend their actual romantic partners by wanting and/or trying to make it otherwise.

 

 

Within the bounds of a romance, the only reason the male partner is cultivating female friends is because he would rather be banging them (which doesn't necessarily mean imminent cheating - some are {cough, choke} decent enough to merely try to line them up just in case...).

 

While the female partner does indeed have the restraint to keep male friends and romantic partners in two different categories (merely because she can get sex anytime she wants it, and perhaps anywhere she wants it too, and she knows as much)... the male "friends" she has are only in her 'court' for one reason (*and it ain't Pinterest).

 

Her male romantic partners know this.

 

I borrow a line from Brad Hamilton, who famously said:

 

"Learn it. Know it. Live It"

[Redhead14]

Quite often at the Meetups, men would befriend a certain woman, only to turn it into a romance after she friendzone's him.

 

 

I Have a close, personal female friend of mine (she's 50) that has dealt with this on numerous occasions where some man from Meetup would ask her out and she would respond, "We can go out as friends, sure."

 

And the man will go along with it, and would attempt to turn it into a coupleship of sorts by going together to Meetups or public events ( he'd pick her up ) and then would start calling her "honey" or putting his hand at the small of her back while she was talking to others.

 

This would make her very uncomfortable to the point that after the event was over, she'd say, "Hey ,listen, please don't do that because other people (men likely) will think she's spoken for."

 

She's constantly had to deal with this to the point where she would stop going to events...apparently these men didn't do anything for her in the physical attraction department which was likely the reason why she didn't date them, but thought they were nice enough to spend time with.

 

I had to cut things off recently with a woman (age 51) that was still rather naive when it came to men. She told me she asked her brother and father, "Are men okay with just being friends with women they hang out with?"

 

BOTH gave an emphatic "No!" answer.

 

She was a rather attractive woman, so it would just make sense, but I'm surprised, too that some women are kind of naive to this even into her later years.

 

But I was wondering if some of the ladies here had to deal with such a situation in the past with back-to-back men not wanting to be your buddy but be romantic?

 

How did you deal with it? Were there any hard feelings? Did men attempt to spend time with you, alone, only to attempt to "put the moves on you" at a later time?

 

No, I've not experienced back to back situations like that, because I'd only allow it to happen once, if at all. A woman needs to be clear in her head about why she's dating and her goal and stick to it. I'm dating for a relationship, not friends. If a man doesn't interest me enough, I say "thank you, I've had a very nice time with you, but I don't think we're a good match"? Why would you keep doing the same thing over and over and expect different results.

 

If you are on an online dating site and looking to date for a real relationship, why would you go out with someone on a first date, not find them to be interesting enough to want that with them and say, let's be friends.

 

If you're only looking for friends, don't go to a dating site that is intended for people who want some kind of romantic or physical relationship. People need to be clear in their heads about what they want when they date and stick to it. Being on a dating site, going out on a date with a man who is likely looking for something more than friendship and meeting someone who says they want to just be friends sends a mixed message. So, the guy will think maybe this could become something more for her and give it some time.

 

If you go on a date with someone and don't find them attractive or appealing in a way that makes you want some kind of a relationship, tell them you two are not a good match and move on.

[No Limit]

I think guys who try to work themselves out of the friendzone are just inexperienced.

[Phoe]

I've personally never Friendzoned a guy, so I can surely say my male friends actually want to be friends.

 

I don't think it's typical to have a string of men being friendzoned and still fighting for her, to me that doesn't seem normal.

[Shining One]

It takes some time and personal growth for men to realize that being friends with a woman isn't the key to their heart and parts below. I'm surprised men in their 50's haven't learned that. I thought I was slow for not learning it until my late 20's.

 

The only female friends I keep are the ones I value for reasons other than sexual attraction. Would I bang most of them if given the opportunity? Of course. Is that the only reason they're in my life? No.

[elaine567]

Why is she going on "dates" as "friends"? Why is she allowing them to pick her up and take her to events? Why is she allowing this "coupling" up to take place if she is not interested?

Sounds like she is just using these guys as substitute "husbands", so she doesn't have to go to places on her own and she always has someone to talk to.

Surely a few words from her would put them in their place, but maybe difficult to do without causing huge ructions, when the men perhaps felt they were actually led on by her.

[LookAtThisPOst]

It's funny how friends. .. even male friends would tell their male friends" Just go out, have fun...go out as friends... don't have expectations! "

 

Thing is, there will usually be expectations.

[RedButton]

Eh, I can think of a few female friends I've had that I had no interest in dating or a relationship. Again this is mostly through work or friends of friends etc. Before it gets brought up, yes most are attractive women as well, some started out as an attraction but I learnt soon after either they weren't interested or that we were no good for eachother.

 

But I guess sometimes it is hard to 'give up' if you really like someone and they just see you as a friend. You really want to make it work but they keep rejecting you in that way. Had that happen to me twice between the ages of 18 and 22 or so, I think I've learned my lesson from that (both have since become friends that I'm not interested in dating, although I see them very rarely, once a year if that).

[preraph]

Being friends with guys isn't a black and white issue. I've had guys friends. I've had one I wanted to bang who wouldn't stop coming around even though he kept insisting he wasn't into me romantically.

 

I had a ridiculously good looking male friend. We went out of town together for shows and stuff. He never busted a move on me. He did, however, gossip a lot and poke his nose into my business and eventually steal the wife of an old bf that I worked with out from under his nose. I will probably never know what his motivation was or how I figured into it.

 

I've had male friends who would never cross the line because I'd had a relationship with one of their close friends. These are good friends to have, because they have ethics. They wouldn't do that to a friend, but they'd do anything for you just because their friend would want you cared for.

 

Then I've had one who I thought would never cross that line because an ex was his best friend but eventually worked himself up to trying it. We managed to remain friends somehow after I firmly rejected him and now he's happily married.

 

I've had guys I was friends with at work who didn't want to bang me either because I was too old or too scary for them, but thought I was fun to be around and talk to.

 

So I disagree that you can't be friends with guys because they all want to bang you -- and I think you ought to be able to see it coming with the ones with ulterior motives.

 

If you have any instincts at all, you should be able to see if the guy is the type of guy who is shy and insecure and doesn't have the nerve to just come out with it, because those are the ones who pretend to be your friend just to creep in closer to you and hope you magically jump on them. You tell them your confidences, and then they go home and masturbate and fall asleep plotting how to break you up with your bf and make it look to others as if you and him have a thing going. They tell their friends it's more than it is.

 

I don't find those guys hard to identify at all. They're shy, they're not successful with women, and they're giving you a lot of attention for no good reason and accepting time with you under any terms out of desperation. Those are the ones you just say no to from the beginning unless you find that attractive, in which case, go for it and God bless you.

Edited March 20, 2015 by preraph

[imtooconfused]

Why is she going on "dates" as "friends"? Why is she allowing them to pick her up and take her to events? Why is she allowing this "coupling" up to take place if she is not interested?

 

I don't find those guys hard to identify at all. They're shy, they're not successful with women, and they're giving you a lot of attention for no good reason and accepting time with you under any terms out of desperation. Those are the ones you just say no to from the beginning...

 

Good advice here. If you are sincerely interested in just being friends, don't enable the man who shows romantic interest in you to be friendzoned. To a small (or large) extent the OP's example is taking advantage of the fact that these men enjoy her company romantically so that she can get her platonic needs out of the relationship. That's not fair either.

 

Sounds like she is just using these guys as substitute "husbands", so she doesn't have to go to places on her own and she always has someone to talk to.

 

This has been my experience being friendzoned or friendzoning a companion. If the level of attraction/interest is unbalanced, get out of the relationship and find someone who shares your platonic interests.

Edited March 20, 2015 by imtooconfused

[Garcon1986]

It takes some time and personal growth for men to realize that being friends with a woman isn't the key to their heart and parts below. I'm surprised men in their 50's haven't learned that. I thought I was slow for not learning it until my late 20's.

 

 

Dying to learn the answer to this question. What exactly is this? If you could also explain edginess/ being exciting as well, I would greatly appreciate it. I'm a way late bloomer, seem to have never learned this.

[d0nnivain]

It's funny how friends. .. even male friends would tell their male friends" Just go out, have fun...go out as friends... don't have expectations! "

 

Thing is, there will usually be expectations.

 

But there are ways to downplay the expectations. By driving herself to & from the event, by stopping the touching & the cutsy names like honey by being a friend & not being flirty.

[preraph]

I can't speak for every woman at all, and there's all types, but to me, I like someone who's edgy and sharp witted without being bitter and cynical, which is quite rare. There's plenty of the bitter and cynical ones, though. I like someone entertaining. They can either be entertaining by actually practicing their craft, music, art, or just have an entertaining personality that keeps you laughing and keeps you from getting bored.

 

I don't want someone I have to lead around. I either want them to be exciting enough I'll follow or on the same page with me so that we both move forward like a good set of harness horses. And I like someone who's a little bit aggressive, a trailblazer.

[SmartDude]

And yet there is an entire section on this website dedicated for people transitioning from friends to lovers. I find it odd that I am the one who has to mention this.

 

If it never happned. If a guy never turned a friendzone situation around ever in history, then I would be in agrement with the woman that the OP has described.

 

The woman the OP describes sounds like she is a bit delusional or not handling the situation with inteligence.

[TexasMan68]

Its part of our DNA, there's a always that little thought in the back of our mind that wonders what it would be like to have sex with you.

[carhill]

So it never happens ever ever?

And yet there is an entire section on this website dedicated for people transitioning from friends to lovers. I find it odd that I am the one who has to mention this.

 

Life circumstances other than an immutable void of interest can relegate people to 'friends', the most obvious discussed on this forum is where one or both parties are in relationships. Other potentials are career paths, familial situations, location challenges, etc., etc.

 

A lot of the dance of romance is timing. If the steps don't flow, the dance doesn't go.

 

Yep, men are often guilty of unilaterally trying to move the steps back into the flow because, well, that's what men do. We're the blunt force objects of the world. Finesse sometimes, heh, perhaps often, eludes us. Hence, we don't get what the friendzone means and some of us do what the OP recounts. Yup.

[imtooconfused]

When this subject comes to mind, I always remember the 25 year old movie When Harry Met Sally:

 

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.

 

Sally Albright: Why not?

 

Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

 

Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.

 

Harry Burns: No you don't.

 

Sally Albright: Yes I do.

 

Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.

 

Sally Albright: How do you know?

 

Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.

 

Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?

 

Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.

 

It's a funny fictional exchange, but there is so much truth in the scene that it's hard to forget. And for the record, the pendulum swings the other way. I have had to break friendships with women because they were too attracted to me and I only saw them in a platonic way.

[somedude81]

And yet there is an entire section on this website dedicated for people transitioning from friends to lovers. I find it odd that I am the one who has to mention this.

 

If it never happned. If a guy never turned a friendzone situation around ever in history, then I would be in agrement with the woman that the OP has described.

 

The woman the OP describes sounds like she is a bit delusional or not handling the situation with inteligence.

 

Turning a friend into a lover is a very rare thing for most men. I'm assuming it's far more common for women, if they ever decide to actually date a friend.

 

Most of the posts in that section are about failed attempts to get out of the friendzone or people who are in FWB's.

 

There are very few stories about guys getting out of the friendzone.

[carhill]

One aspect I've note in life nearly universally when interacting with women in dating dynamics, relationships or being married is that, if they feel they don't 'have me' sexually, meaning get a sense that I'm not all-in on the sexual pursuit part, if they were interested, were involved, were married, buh-bye. To me, this is smart. They'll never be in the friendzone, at least not in the way it's described here, where one party wants a sexual relationship/interaction and the other does not. Of course, this doesn't address men lying to women to keep them attached to have sex with them or women lying to men to keep them attached to get emotional validation from them. That's the unhealthy end of the spectrum of what the friendzone describes.

 

I think one MW described it best when she told me she uses 'sex' (her sexual allure, which I must admit was substantial) to get men to 'like' her and then used that like for various things, like a husband to have kids with, an employer for a paycheck, guys like me for validation, etc, etc. Sounds brutal and perhaps a bit sociopathic but I've sure seen a lot of it in life. She proved my hypothesis when pulling me in to help restart the waning sexual dynamic with a boyfriend she very much wanted to hang on to and I believe is still with.

 

He was a great catch, socially and economically, so it took a couple of competitors drawn into the milieu to jump-start him and move things along. Masterful. I still smile at some the stuff she used on me to just titillate the boundary enough between friends and lovers. Wonderful work.

 

In any event, one will never see people like that in anyone's friendzone. They're pros and know how to play a man's sexuality like a fiddle. The men who fall for it, yup dopes like me, either are clueless or think they know enough to play on that level. Heh! Turn it into romance? Nice fantasy!

 

I seriously doubt the 51yo woman in the OP was, or is, anything like that. However she could be. The person I'm describing consistently came off as 'naive', yeah naive like a fox schmoozing the hens in the henhouse.

[Superman2024]

It's frustrating for me if I get friend zoned by a woman based entirely on online communication and never get to meet in person because they aren't willing to take that chance. Whether wise or not, in this situation I tend to keep pursuing since feelings can very likely change after meeting for the first time.

[Popsicle]

Oh yes, many older women are still clueless about the friendzone. I recommend you just don't go along with it when it's suggested. Your interactions will end, as they should.