niceguy55 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Switched my story to correct board?? I've been posting on and off lately. Too much to explain, but here's where I'm at. Girlfriend pretty much called it off after 3 years and a few mini break ups before. We have been talking ok and saw her and her kids once in two weeks. One thing she always said is I didn't give her a promise. I'm not sure if she meant an engagement ring or a promise ring to show something serious. . She recently said she would decline a proposal due to her being frustrated and not being in love enough. So, went and got a promise ring (not cheap) and not sure how she'll take it. I'm trying to show my dedication and yet we would need to regrow if she's willing.And I would forge ahead to give some action to some of the things we desire in life, at a reasonable logical pace...not all emotional. I should have done this before but didn't think about that kind of ring. Many great parts of us, just not sure if it will help. She does still tend to be focusing on her future and would really like to be done. I know it does not sound good, but she is mixed up too. And has taken me back a couple times before. We'll see...she may decline. Many of her reasons are fixable if she will consider again. I really care for her and her kids. 1
PegNosePete Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 You can't buy her affections with a ring. No true love story I've ever heard of, has multiple break-ups. You need to cut your losses and move on. 2
badpenny Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Too little, too late. You should be giving her a ring because that truly is, within your heart, your total desire, not because she's laid hints and wants one. You have to want it, because you really want it, not want it, because she's made you want it. Any attempt to give her a ring now will merely serve to frustrate and infuriate her, and she will just be angry with you, because you just don't 'get it'. A ring denotes 100% commitment. She saw the absence of any promissory gesture as a lack of commitment, dedication and seriousness on your part. In other words - you took her for granted, and now, this gesture, this late effort to 'comply' will just make her seethe. Why couldn't you 'get it' before, when it mattered - ?! Take the ring back, give up, move on. 1
Author niceguy55 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Posted March 20, 2015 I agree rings and words don't fix things. She's apparently had 6 or 7 relationships end over last 15 yrs or so. It could be to some of her unrealistic expectations?? And I'm the kind who hangs in there, sometimes way too long. I'll figure it out... esp. if I cant seem to give enough of what she wants. our relationship is complicated... 1
Buddhist Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 called it off after 3 years and a few mini break ups before. I really care for her and her kids. There's no such thing as a mini-breakup. Every time you both decide to end the relationship, it gets more broken than it was before. A habit of leaving each other destroys trust. The big problem is you've both established that your signifcant other, is decidedly less significant than say just giving up. Whether you acknowledge that consciously or not, your actions have already established that as fact. So you give her this ring and you imagine it will mean to her that you are committed and she can trust that commitment? After you've walked out of the relationship multiple times already? The pattern between the two of you has already been set. Everytime things don't go well you'll both just think about walking away instead of working through it. Sure give it go. Why not. But your relationship is markedly weaker now than it was pre-breakup....all x number of them. 1
Author niceguy55 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Posted March 20, 2015 You are correct. I, myself have never left the relationship. And neither has she physically, but inside. the break ups were not really break ups. I should have been more clear. It would only be for a few days and was always in contact. She just needed a little breather. I still understand there is a pattern in the relationship that needs to change. If she knew it would not return to the same wheel, she would maybe give it a go. I would be glad to outline with her or see a pro on moving forward. Sadly, she may be thinking she may need someone else to fulfill her...She may have already gone on a dating site? Just a hard one because she's up and down with me. 1
Author niceguy55 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Posted March 20, 2015 Yes, I did. I'll understand if she declines it at this point. 1
Redhead14 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Switched my story to correct board?? I've been posting on and off lately. Too much to explain, but here's where I'm at. Girlfriend pretty much called it off after 3 years and a few mini break ups before. We have been talking ok and saw her and her kids once in two weeks. One thing she always said is I didn't give her a promise. I'm not sure if she meant an engagement ring or a promise ring to show something serious. . She recently said she would decline a proposal due to her being frustrated and not being in love enough. So, went and got a promise ring (not cheap) and not sure how she'll take it. I'm trying to show my dedication and yet we would need to regrow if she's willing.And I would forge ahead to give some action to some of the things we desire in life, at a reasonable logical pace...not all emotional. I should have done this before but didn't think about that kind of ring. Many great parts of us, just not sure if it will help. She does still tend to be focusing on her future and would really like to be done. I know it does not sound good, but she is mixed up too. And has taken me back a couple times before. We'll see...she may decline. Many of her reasons are fixable if she will consider again. I really care for her and her kids. ". . .not being in love enough" This is the crux of why this relationship has been so on and off. It's not about you promising anything. You can give her a $50K ring, but if she doesn't love you enough, it's not gonna work. I can see making a second attempt sometimes, but why keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If she has things that are fixable, let her fix them and find someone she's in love with enough to put the effort into. If she really loved you and had these things to fix, she would have fixed them for you. 2
Author niceguy55 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Posted March 20, 2015 I guess. She was in love with me for a while but could not give her what she wanted then. Now we want the same things. Can she fall back in love? Not by the promise, but by Action. I can't do it alone, but can do my part. She prob will have to try elsewhere. Settling is no good either. 1
Gary S Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 (edited) She recently said she would decline a proposal due to her being frustrated and not being in love enough. - She's not interested anymore, give it up. Time to find a new girlfriend, this relationship is dead. We call them breakups because they are broken. Did she ask for or hint at a promise ring anytime before the breakup? Can she fall back in love? - You get one chance per girl per lifetime. This ain't the wonderful world of Disney. Edited March 20, 2015 by Gary S 2
Redhead14 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 I guess. She was in love with me for a while but could not give her what she wanted then. Now we want the same things. Can she fall back in love? Not by the promise, but by Action. I can't do it alone, but can do my part. She prob will have to try elsewhere. Settling is no good either. I would entertain this sentiment if it were only the first time you two had "broken up" and now you two were clear about the issues and wanted the same things, but it's been several times. There would always be anxiety for you both if you picked this up again because of the history of being on and off. You will always be waiting for the next shoe to drop. 1
smackie9 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Sorry but you can't make or force someone to be in love with you. Feelings can fade naturally, and it doesn't have to be because the relationship was bad, even good relationships end. If you have any respect for her, then put your feelings aside and let her go on her way. 1
badpenny Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 I agree rings and words don't fix things. She's apparently had 6 or 7 relationships end over last 15 yrs or so. It could be to some of her unrealistic expectations?? And I'm the kind who hangs in there, sometimes way too long. I'll figure it out... esp. if I cant seem to give enough of what she wants. our relationship is complicated... No, your relationship is simple. There IS no 'relationship'. It's a mess; it's a toxic existence in which neither of you is being fulfilled, nourished, respected, trusted or appreciated. It's over. Please, just forget about the ring. Don't even think about giving it to her. take it back, get a refund. You need a reality check. If this thing has been 'breaking' periodically, what makes you imagine in any way shape or form, that with so much damage, it can actually get stronger? Have you ever known anything be subjected to so much damage, be as good as, or better than new? or even function half as well? Exactly.
PegNosePete Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Did she ask for or hint at a promise ring anytime before the breakup? No, but from the guy's other thread, she has said she wants a house if she's going to get her feelings back.
smackie9 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 No, but from the guy's other thread, she has said she wants a house if she's going to get her feelings back. Hah we know where this is going..............
Author niceguy55 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Posted March 20, 2015 thanks for all the input. So, Actually very recently she said she's lacking the confidence from me and "not even a promise of some kind". Yes she also wants me to sell my house and buy a new one to start a life which under the conditions seemed like a big gamble. esp. because it's like were companions. I want more and she may with me then? She is very hard to read. Sometimes I do need a push and take chances. It may just be too late. Maybe she would come back later but could not wait for that...
PegNosePete Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Exactly, what sane person would sell their house and start a new life with someone they are not 100% sure they want to be with, and are 100% sure that they want to be with you? It's just completely nuts to even consider doing that. You need feelings before commitment! You can't "buy" feelings with a ring, a house or a promise.
elaine567 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 You have to both sit down and tell each other the truth as to what you both actually want from this relationship, and what your hopes and fears are. Seems there is a lack of communication and the drama, I guess, is fueled by the emotional baggage you are both carrying around from the past. Stop the multiple break ups, either make a serious commitment to stay together or just end it.
Redhead14 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 thanks for all the input. So, Actually very recently she said she's lacking the confidence from me and "not even a promise of some kind". Yes she also wants me to sell my house and buy a new one to start a life which under the conditions seemed like a big gamble. esp. because it's like were companions. I want more and she may with me then? She is very hard to read. Sometimes I do need a push and take chances. It may just be too late. Maybe she would come back later but could not wait for that... It is a huge gamble. But remember this, you said earlier that you two now want the same things . . . but you really don't. She is putting up new hurdles and walls by wanting you to sell your house. She told you previously that she needed some kind of promise in order to move forward with you and now she wants you to sell your house too. What's next? She is creating more barriers and hoops for you to jump through. If you were going to work all this out, you'd have to start from the point of homeostasis -- where you left off and moving forward to resolve the issues that existed at that point. Tell her you're moving on. Give yourself time to heal and start dating other people.
Gary S Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Exactly, what sane person would sell their house and start a new life with someone they are not 100% sure they want to be with, and are 100% sure that they want to be with you? It's just completely nuts to even consider doing that. You need feelings before commitment! You can't "buy" feelings with a ring, a house or a promise. - Exactly, the relationship should be going just right before buying mondo gifts like that, but obviously there's trouble in paradise. She sounds like a gold digger to me - she has an agenda, and is in it for the perks, not the love. 1
Author niceguy55 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Posted March 20, 2015 gold digger may be a bit strong. she has gotten a job recently, but prob would still like to be taken care of...which i intend to do a majority anyhow. There are a few hoops to jump and concerns me as to what's next. It seems like she is more interested in what than who is a killer. She does like to do some things for me as I do for her. But its the big thing that she's cared about for a while. Again I'm willing to move soon anyhow, but don't want to be rushed. There's a lot involved, expenses, etc. It does seem screwed up and she may be trying to take advantage at this point and she knows how to get to me because I'm soft and care. I offered to sit down at therapy at hash it out and decide but she's thinking about it. I don't think seriously...ugh
preraph Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Don't know what she's got going on in her head, but sounds like she was clear enough that she isn't in love with you enough to want to marry you, so I believe I'd let her go. It may be that some time in the past, like most women, she was waiting for a commitment or some forward progress, but I wouldn't put a ring on it if she's said she isn't in love enough to marry. What would be the point?
Author niceguy55 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Posted March 20, 2015 I agree and my hopes are NOT up. The point would be if she has anything positive to feel and says she's willing to work at it together. (odds are low) She's very up and down and changes her mind often. Which is partly why we are in this state too. She has been clear but still believe she is uncertain of a lot...due to her actions. I know more before would mean so much more but there were reasons. So, Like people say..."then you were not meant" . I don't agree with that so much. However, I'm just trying to see what more I need to see and then choose my path. I guess.
preraph Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 The not being able to make up her mind alone would keep me from wanting to spend a lifetime with her. Hope you come to a resolution you can live with.
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