Reassessing my relationship and break up, confusion, trying to improve

[meta]

My boyfriend (27) of four years and I (23) broke up a while back after a period of discussing our problems and an even longer period of things not being well, and I could do with some insight into whether I did the right thing and how I go from here, how I can improve to go about things better in the future.

 

Things between us were going great for a year or two, but like so often, my physical attraction started to fade. (In fact, before we started the relationship, I never really felt physically attracted to him; but I'm not someone who cares a great deal about looks and once we got together, attraction was not a problem.) It started slowly by me simply not desiring to have sex as much anymore, but got gradually worse and to the point where I had to force myself to it or tried to avoid it altogether. The romantic attraction followed suit, but back then, it unfortunately took me a while and another guy to realise this. There was a long-term, male friend of mine whom I suddenly seemed to have developed a crush on. I never thought about/planned to act on it or tried to flirt with him, and because of this and since I was getting on well with my bf, I didn't immediately see how this would have any effect on my relationship and didn't realise that this could already be considered emotional cheating for a while. Once I did realise, I cut this guy out of my life, but of course, the damage had been done. It caused me to question my feelings for my boyfriend, I was confused, and felt like that (cliché alert) while I cared deeply about him, I wasn't in love with him anymore, and could no longer connect romantically. I was confused as to whether that was just a case of entering the post-honeymoon stage, but I felt worse and worse in the relationship, felt trapped, questioned our future together. Eventually I opened up to him about everything, and we took some time to reassess our relationship and our situation (while he didn't doubt his feelings for me, he had some issues of his own - I'll get to that later). After trying and talking and me feeling in torture both about what I put him through and about being in this situation and not knowing what I want, I ended the relationship, suggesting that I needed to get back on track on my own, that I, for now, couldn't offer him what he deserved. It was clear that he, despite the issues, still loved me and didn't want to lose me, but he acted very understanding, and in the end we split peacefully.

 

Before I go on and while I think it was mostly me who caused the damage, there were some issues with him as well. First, he seemed to completely give up his life outside the relationship. He gave up on his hobbies, saw his friends less and less, didn't have a lot of interests other than me or the things I showed him (e.g. only listening/reading/watching the music/books/movies I recommended). This made him very clingy but also made it hard for me to really connect with him like before, simply because there was not much to talk about. Second, he was unhappy with himself, which affected his motivation in life and in our relationship. Part of it was to do with his weight, which he had never felt comfortable with, and while telling me every other month that he'd finally decided to start losing weight, he would never do it and only felt more frustrated as a result. His biggest motivation in life was his university career, which he often used as an excuse for not finding the time to work out, for not meeting up on the week end, or for not going out or doing anything outside the house when spending the weekend together, etc. Since at first, he did put a lot of effort into it and excelled as a student & research assistant, I was understanding about it, but once he didn't get into the research programme he had dreamed off, things changed. He still told me he had too much to do for university, but his grades suffered, he had to retake a whole year. Eventually he told me that instead of working for university, he started playing video games for hours & hours, which bugged me a lot since alleged effort into his studies was the reason we didn't get to go on holiday although planning it for almost half a year, didn't go out or do a lot of things outside the house together, etc.

 

Other than that, I doubt I will ever find someone who both is as sweet, loyal and caring as he is and who loves me so truthfully despite knowing the worst of me. We share the same values, have a similar sense of humour, have the same outlook on life and like to live life in a similar fashion; he gives me (as someone who tends to goes through periods of anxiety) calmness, he's really become the pillar in my life that I needed to feel calm, relaxed, and good. As such, it's really the type of person that I would want to settle down with and that I think would be good for me on the long run.

 

Still, obviously, I was not feeling well in the relationship, and somehow, I can't appreciate all the good things about him at the moment. I was just feeling unhappy and simply did/do no longer feel attracted to him, even though I do think that perhaps I may still "love" him. My interest in other guys however, which includes the crush I had on a friend and my constant, unconscious way of thinking about other guys I met as potential flirt partners and not telling I was in a relationship unless asked about it, leads me to think that while I did commit socially and physically, perhaps I was unwilling or unable to do so mentally. I think all of this comes down to perhaps me simply being too emotionally immature to be capable of committing to a serious, long-term relationship. I think the fact that this is only my second partner, that I was in long-term relationships from the age of 16 and that I never dated around, even harmlessly, might play a role in that. I know about the different opinions on "GIGS" on here. I am not even actively desiring greener pastures, or wishing to date/sleep/party around at all(which I'm not the type for anyway), but I can't deny that the idea of trying something more casual with less responsibility for now, or simply having some fun with friends of mine and seeing what there is to see without the responsibility of having a long-term partner, seems so relieving to me. This is not even limited to the world of dating, but perhaps also has to do with the fact that I just recently graduated from my research degree in university and am reassessing what I want in life generally.

 

My thoughts now are

- Have I done the right thing in breaking this off? Or am I just foolishly acting out of a mood?

-On the one hand I think that my vanished attraction might just be normal when leaving the honeymoon stage of a relationshio, on the other, I think feeling that uncomfortable thinking about sex or intimacy with your partner can't be normal. (Even if you choose to "love" someone past the infatuation stage and put effort into it, can attraction be restored or forced when it is completely gone at one point?)

- On the one hand I think that my partner, and our relationship, is far too good, stable and far too precious for me to let go, on the other, I think this is the wrong, selfish reason for staying in it.

- On the one hand I think I should perhaps just "woman up" and put my energy into making it work, on the other I fear that if I already feel the cracks at 24, I will only feel them more and more as I get older, things get more serious and eventually it will be too hard to leave, or too painful for both of us, perhaps leading to us both resenting each other; also, while you can't just throw away 4 years carelessly, it's not as if we are married, live together and have kids.

- On the one hand, the thought of perhaps giving up on this relationship for good is incredibly hurtful to me, on the other, I think that's probably the price you have to pay.

- On the one hand, I know it requires effort and work to love someone and make a relationship work after a few years, on the other, I think that the fact that I am unable to perhaps suggest that he's simply not the right one for me.

- And lastly, a very important factor, is that I think he doesn't deserve it. He loves me quite unconditionally, and I think I need to be able to offer him the same in return. Staying with him out of pity, because it's more comfortable or because I'm too much of a chicken to let it go, is not what he wants or should want. And that's unfortunately what the situation is like right now.

 

I'd really appreciate any advice, outside views, or perhaps insight into where I go wrong, no matter in what direction it goes.

 

And more generally, how can I improve myself, or how can I reach the maturity to be able to approach a relationship in a better, more responsible and more healthy way? Do I just need to learn the hard way, try out something else to be able to appreciate what I had? I somehow wish that I could stop time now to mature and be clear about what I want from life to then start over with my ex, or just restart the relationship with the knowledge I have now, but of course this is selfish and is/might not be possible. For now, I just feel very bad about hurting him, about losing him, and about being this confused when I actually just want to have a set plan for life.

 

I apologise in advance for the length and structure of this; I've been meaning to post on here since November (hence my registration date), but never got to order my thoughts enough to do it, so now a lot of things were stuck in my head.

Edited March 20, 2015 by meta

[Jamesgar]

In a way this sounds very much like my own situation but my ex cheated and lots more vile things said.

 

I became like your ex in a way very much my life was centred round her and she led to my happiness. I believe my ex is feeling like you. So From what your saying your confused. Nobody deserves to be second option. Your ex should be with someone who wants to rip his clothes off and vice versa. If it was really that great you would be both together.

 

As I'm doing now and have done in previous breakups I go on a bender of self improvement. I'm so down and depressed that two years is over. Im having counselling,taking sailing lessons, going on a pick up course(girls), going on dates, going on holiday, reconnecting with old friends, working out! My point is the best revenge is having a better life. If your ex takes anything from it useful he would do what I'm doing and become THE MAN! I would think if he could this after some time of you finding out what you need (might have met someone else by then) then perhaps you two could reconcile. If he improves himself in the ways you want then why not? You can't go back now if there will be the same issues surely?

 

This is only the if there has been some change from both sides with some time/distance between yourself. Anyway this is from a dumped point of view! I would hate to hear my that my ex has banged five guys since me! Then wants me back after sowing her wild oats! So best to do wat you need and reconnect in a while.... Hope it helps

[Karin2rinkashi]

You know you can walk out at any time.... But either you choose to stay or not choose to stay...

 

That is the difference between real love and just attraction love. Where we know that we can go find someone better, someone who has all the right things we want. But love is about loving all the wrong things, all the stupid little cute things that people do. That drive you nuts, but when you sit alone and think about all of the wrong things your partner does, or all their imperfections, you feel like squishing them with a hug. That! my friend, is love.

 

You can walk out right now... there is the door! Say i am done...

 

Easy as that.... Dig deep down, deep deep down. Ask yourself! think about him, and ask yourself.... with all his perfections... do you love his imperfections?

 

Remember, if you can be there for him during his struggling times, maybe motivate him, change him, talk to him... try SOMETHING... you guys are going to come out of the other end with a much stronger bond....

 

 

Two people who come together in this jungle that we know as world. They are like two rocks that rolled next to each other. Now, they don't fit each other so perfectly because of their different shapes. But as time passes, as weathers change, rains rain, snows snow, and storms pass, as they fact the heat and pressure of the environment around them, and as long as they stick together.... they eventually fit perfectly together.... as a result of what they went through as a TEAM.

 

That is my theory of a relationship....

 

And let me tell you this too.... Fine! you can walk out on him and go find another man you are more attracted to. The important things is not about who will stay with you during your good times/honeymoon phase. The real challenge is finding someone who will stay with you through the bad times! That is when most couples break apart...

 

This guys loves you, unconditionally.. as you put it. That is a very RARE thing to find.. Very rare! You can lose weight but you can't make someone love you like that. There is no gym, no machine to improve the way you love (no sexual jokes please lol).

 

Now, which one would you choose.. that is up to you.... And before you do... look around you and see all these people in the mid 30s, early 40s on sites like eharmoney, match, bla bla... They let go of someone at one point of their lives for reason that COULD/SHOULD have been repairable... For example his lack of motivation/ weight problem/ lack of resolve...

 

All these things are FIXABLE....

 

Now you can either help this guy to get where you want him to be.... and have you OWN CUSTOM MADE/ONE OF A TYPE/UNIQUE person that you love...

 

Or you can search the market and try to find one that fits your need but is mass produced.... That you may or may not find...

 

 

I hope i gave you some perspective....