bangbangbaby Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 ok let me start by saying I have never in my 27 years of living resorted to an open online forum. And really don't know how to put into one post all that I'm going through. *I honestly am at my wits end with this situation. It's like this... I've been dealing with the same one man for the past 6 years I love him very dearly and I am convinced that he loves me too. Though I'm not sure if his love is truly genuine. I'm not sure if this love is even real. I'm starting to feel as if I've actually given up on a true love and settled for this some time love. At the moment I am laying in bed by myself and we are not talking we have not been on good terms for about 3 weeks now and when I do speak its very negative like ...what girl are you going to be with tonight... call one of your substitutes... I hate you... don't text me... don't call me... ect. ect....I am at the point now where I can go without thinking about him for most of the day mostly because I'm working or with friends... but come nighttime hours when I lay in bed all alone ...all I want to do is text or call him, mostly to see if he will answer or to make sure he is alone and not with the next woman... The reason we're not together is because of his own actions that have made me question his loyalty and integrity. I am a good woman and I'm very easy on the eyes. My personality rocks (atleast I think so) so it's not like I can't find another man...but I swear we used to be so close and I only see myself with him intimately.... but I feel like he is just doing whatever he wants in this time we have apart...when we would argue in the past he would do everything he had to to get me back ... He just wouldn't take no for an answer. That's probably why we've lasted so long. Anyways he is really in the dog house now and it seems he just keeps digging deeper and deeper holes in the back yard all the while he is still scratching at the back door trying to get back in the house. But because he keeps digging holes I haven't let him back in. I miss him like crazy but I feel like I need to put my foot down and he needs to fight to get me back. Like dude wake up n smell the coffee already... Then another part of me says smell the coffee all u want to its over .... I think I have serious issues and need to know what I should do at night when I miss him. Sleeping pills? Lol no but seriously!!
ZiggyZoo Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Nighttime is the worst. I hate the feeling of not being able to shut off my brain, and having the same thoughts whirling around and around. I don't envy you there. Something my therapist taught me worked for me, and maybe it will for you. Since your brain is going to always be thinking, give it a specific time to do so. I picked 6 PM, because that was when I would be driving home and all alone. When thoughts of my ex would try and creep in any other time, I'd tell myself that it wasn't time to deal with them right now, and that I would do so later. I'd even write them down, if I kept having the same one or two over and over. Then at 6, I'd let 'em rip. It really helped at night, because I knew that I would address whatever was popping up, just not at the moment. Takes some mental discipline, I would catch myself mulling things over, and would have to actually say , "STOP" out loud a few times. So there's one idea... And I know you didn't ask for advice, but I'm just going to say that life is too short to waste on a relationship where it feels like you're having to settle. Its a tough decision to make, to walk away from something that's not altogether terrible, but you deserve more. Just sayin'.
NC-Thomas Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 I would catch myself mulling things over, and would have to actually say , "STOP" out loud a few times. So there's one idea... Yes, that is an excellent technique! STOP! I have learned that technique while practicing NLP (neuro linguistic programming). What you are doing is basically taking the exit on a highway of never ending and pointless thoughts. It comes in handy to shut down that inner voice mulling over you're ex (WASNT SHE GREAT?). Every morning is the worst, but when you get active again, it starts to fade. I just realize to myself that obsessing over someone that doesn't even want me is a damn waste of my energy. I mean WHY do we think about a decision outside of our control? It's like complaining about the weather, you can do it all day, but it won't change a thing. So we need to make that change in ourself. Once you make that ACTIVE DECISION not to obcess or waste energy over your ex anymore, you feel so much better. This phase usually comes with acceptance. So keep shutting down that evergoing inner voice when you are thinking about your ex and take control of your own thoughts. 1
jen1447 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 I actually disagree a bit with shutting down the voice. I think instead the voice needs to go on and on until its hoarse and worn out. It's just our process (women in particular). If you bottle it up, the pressure will just ratchet up until it has to come out again, and it'll be even more unpleasant when it does. Instead, don't fight it and let your mind run. Eventually it'll get tired of that and give up. I think the reason this tends to happen btw is that we lack answers. People are hard wired to always find out "why." With relationships, there often is no real concrete why. But that doesn't stop us looking for it. You can't just tell yourself you don't care and expect it to stick. Your mind has to satisfy itself that it's run through all the possibilities (over and over and over) before it can eventually admit that it doesn't know the answer and slowly start to let the question go. Trying to stop your mind going through that unavoidable process just prolongs the process. It's miserable and it sucks, but IMO it's the only way. Just take comfort in the fact that it does end at some point. I remember going thru that and not knowing if it would end, which was pretty despair-inducing. I wish someone had told me to just relax and that it'll go away eventually, because it did and it will for you. btw you're on the right track getting rid of the guy. If you think you have it bad now with the night time thoughts, compare that to doing it the rest of your life, because he sounds like the sort who's always going to leave you with uncertainties. Get out. Find a new one. Better ones everywhere.
ZiggyZoo Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 I actually disagree a bit with shutting down the voice. I think instead the voice needs to go on and on until its hoarse and worn out. It's just our process (women in particular). If you bottle it up, the pressure will just ratchet up until it has to come out again, and it'll be even more unpleasant when it does. Instead, don't fight it and let your mind run. Eventually it'll get tired of that and give up. I think the reason this tends to happen btw is that we lack answers. People are hard wired to always find out "why." With relationships, there often is no real concrete why. But that doesn't stop us looking for it. You can't just tell yourself you don't care and expect it to stick. Your mind has to satisfy itself that it's run through all the possibilities (over and over and over) before it can eventually admit that it doesn't know the answer and slowly start to let the question go. Trying to stop your mind going through that unavoidable process just prolongs the process. It's miserable and it sucks, but IMO it's the only way. Just take comfort in the fact that it does end at some point. I remember going thru that and not knowing if it would end, which was pretty despair-inducing. I wish someone had told me to just relax and that it'll go away eventually, because it did and it will for you. btw you're on the right track getting rid of the guy. If you think you have it bad now with the night time thoughts, compare that to doing it the rest of your life, because he sounds like the sort who's always going to leave you with uncertainties. Get out. Find a new one. Better ones everywhere. I respectfully disagree with this, in part. It's not about ignoring the thoughts at all, just consciously choosing to address them at a time when they can be properly examined. Otherwise you run the risk of your thoughts just going around and around in circles, turning into "what ifs" and other scenarios that aren't related to what's actually going on. If you are going to actually stop the unwanted thoughts, then they absolutely do need to be addressed, but in a way that will ensure that you are satisfied with their conclusion. If not, then they become ingrained habits, and become part of your way of thinking and perceiving the situation. The only way to truly move forward and put this all to rest is with mindful examination of where each of the beliefs that are being presented to you (by yourself) have their basis. And to do this, you have to really focus on them. This is why you only think about the unwanted areas at specific times of the day, and make an effort to ignore them any other time. it's not about completely ignoring them at all, just setting them aside so you can go about your life, and sleep at night. These are all techniques that are taught by CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), which is almost a cousin to what NC-Thomas was talking about. Learning it was absolutely instrumental in recovering from my first bad breakup a few years ago. It allowed me to stop blaming myself for him leaving, and to realize that my beliefs that he was my last chance at happiness, etc were completely incorrect. I am using it now still, whenever I find I have a thought or two floating around in my head and won't go away. Very useful. 1
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