katiegrl Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Katie, we rarely if ever, hear the other side in these posts and so we can only comment on what we read. And, yes, I'd love to hear the other side most of the time But, I'll say this, most of the time, people post here because they are being made to feel a certain way about someone or something that person has done, and so it's really just about helping them deal with what's on their own plate and in a way that is mature, reasonable and all about them and their feelings. I'd say that the standing caveat to the people who ask us for advice is that, since we don't know both sides of a story, the truth is usually somewhere in the middle and that that person who is posting will be able to use the advice and weigh it against their gut based on what they know about the other person, and in the end will do what works best for them. (And, not blame us if it doesn't go the way they hoped I understand that, but I went back and re-read all the OP's posts on this thread, and I did not see anything she wrote that would indicate that he's being controlling, or that he even gave her an ultimatum? Maybe I missed it, if she did, can you direct to the post wherein she said that? Gary, love you too but we're on different wavelengths here...we are not even talking about the same thing... Read elaine's post...THAT is all I meant.
katiegrl Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 That's an idea. Maybe I'll consider therapy.The guy I'm dating actually seems to think my issues stem from my dad not being a very affectionate person towards us when I was growing up. ^^And with respect to references that he is "psycho-analyzing" her, I don't see it that way at all. I see it as a guy whose girlfriend lacks the ability (or desire) to initiate even the most minimal physical affection ...and he is simply trying to understand where that came from. 1
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Ya know, some people just aren't physically affectionate! My ex sister-in-law was the same way, I'll always remember that about her. I remember when my brother first introduced her into our loving and affectionate family - from the first day we all met her, up until the day we all disowned her because of some unforgivable things she has done to him and to members of our family - she has NEVER, not ONCE *ever* gave any of us a hug, a handshake or shown ANY type of affection towards any of us, especially to him. I still don't understand why he chose to stay with such a cold and unaffectionate person like that all of those years, but, he did, and for his own reasons which are none of my business. A person can't just suddenly become physically affectionate with others when, their whole entire life, they were NEVER that type of person. And even if they could, it would be a constant effort and chore for the unaffectionate person to continue doing; it wouldn't be a genuine show of affection, but rather a show they were putting on for the sake of the other person who wants to receive such affections. I don't really know what to say to you, OP. You are how you are, and, nothing will ever change that - unless YOU change it. Most guys - even though they're more sexually driven - do enjoy receiving at least some physical type of affection such as hugs, kisses, stroking their hair, putting your arm around them, putting your hand on their leg, etc. Good luck with your relationship. Let us know how things go. .
fitnessfan365 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 He does and I kiss him back. It's not like I'm pulling away from him, I just don't initiate which seems to be the problem. He sounds like a weak, insecure, whiner. The man is supposed to initiate. It's how the male/female dynamic works. It would be one thing if you were acting like a cold fish. But you're receptive to him. He probably doesn't get that it takes time for a woman to feel comfortable and trust a man where she initiates more. For me personally, her initiating once and awhile is fine. But it's hot when a woman likes to be pursued and taken. So I prefer being the one to lead physical interaction.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 There's a difference between someone who doesn't advance in a relationship because of personal choice and comfort level and someone who is acting out in a way in their adult life due to a childhood trauma people. This is not the job of someone she just happens to be dating, its not another person's role to play therapist...what's next? him accepting and making exceptions for childhood trauma that translate into other relationship issues too? You have a responsibility to come into a relationship as you would expect someone else to be, are you willing to make sacrifices for his personal issues as well as dismiss personal responsibility for it? Because that's the road you're traveling...and guess what, another person can never resolve these personal issues that's why they're called personal issues. As long as you keep carrying these problems around with you, they are going to have a major affect on many aspects if your life, including children. I hope you wake up and realize that you need to make some major changes within yourself or there will always be dysfunctional behavior that has nothing to do with anyone else but yourself, you need to take responsibility and then date...because you're talking about two separate experiences, one with your issues and other not. Any man you date will be forced to make sacrifices for your issues, and he shouldn't have to do that for something he is not responsible for and gas no way of controlling...I'm not saying you should just give in to any guy you date, this is not about sex or that, this is about you. Otherwise you're just going to date a spineless guy who doesn't have boundaries or standards for himself, and only does this to win your love when you don't even love the guy that way.
preraph Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 OH geez...hanging onto them like teenagers? Exaggerate much? Hit a nerve, Katie? You posted that twice.
preraph Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Jessie, don't start thinking it's just you. If you are able to love a guy and are affectionate when they are leading but just not comfortable being the initiator, well, hello, that doesn't require therapy. Now, maybe if you think he's worth it, you BOTH go to joint psychological couples therapy to see if you can find some insight in both of you and see if there's any middle ground, but honestly, I'd probably just bail on him if he kept this up. I think he wants to feel like a woman is making a big fuss over him because he's either an egomaniac and that props up his ego or Gary is right and he's wussified. 1
katiegrl Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 (edited) Hit a nerve, Katie? You posted that twice. This entire thread hits my nerves! Lol Not only is there a ton of speculation going around, from him being a pansey, a whiney needy, weaking, to him being a control freak and giving her ultimatums, which there is ZERO evidence of by the way, to certain men behaving like we're living in 500 BC, instead of 2015, and talking like Neanderthals! Guys we are talking about the minimal of affection here, IN PRIVATE, like a simple touch of his leg while watching the tele, or moving closer to him so as their bodies are touching, a simple kiss, taking his hand, SOMETHING, that would "show" him that she is attracted to him, other than her responding to him pinning her up against the wall and overpowering her with his masculine dominance! Lol If you guys don't need that from a chick you've been dating for five weeks, or however long, and you are okay controlling all the physical affection in the relationship...then more power to ya....and I mean that literally! As for me and my guy, no thanks!!! He loves how affectionate I am....in and OUT of the bedroom... he needs that from me! And we're talking a very confident, masculine biker dude here, not some whiny pansey...sheesh. Edited March 21, 2015 by katiegrl 3
katiegrl Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 (edited) He sounds like a weak, insecure, whiner. The man is supposed to initiate. It's how the male/female dynamic works. It would be one thing if you were acting like a cold fish. But you're receptive to him. He probably doesn't get that it takes time for a woman to feel comfortable and trust a man where she initiates more. For me personally, her initiating once and awhile is fine. But it's hot when a woman likes to be pursued and taken. So I prefer being the one to lead physical interaction. More speculation. How do you know how responsive she is? So she kisses him back, big whoop. Maybe her kisses are like a cold fish...ugh. If she is unable to initiate the most minimal of affection like I described in my last post...which she herself has acknowledged she has issues with, I wouldn't imagine she is a powerhouse in the response department either. And I am going by what SHE herself has written here and admitted to...not speculation based on some men's antiquated notion that it's the "man's" job to initiate all the affection...and any man who needs that is a weak, whiny pansey. That is one if the most sexist, ludicrous things I have ever heard in my life! Edited March 21, 2015 by katiegrl 2
fitnessfan365 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 (edited) More speculation. How do you know how responsive she is? So she kisses him back, big whoop. Maybe her kisses are like a cold fish...ugh. If she is unable to initiate the most minimal of affection like I described in my last post...which she herself has acknowledged she has issues with, I wouldn't imagine she is a powerhouse in the response department either. And I am going by what SHE herself has written here and admitted to...not speculation based on some men's antiquated notion that it's the "man's" job to initiate all the affection...and any man who needs that is a weak, whiny pansey. That is one if the most sexist, ludicrous things I have ever heard in my life! Haha.. You're speculating in the opposite direction. Am I there as a fly on the wall? Obviously not. But she says that she is receptive to him initiating. She just doesn't initiate. To be honest Katie, a lot of women still have a traditional mindset. You're more independent and progressive. You took charge in initiating communication and planning dates with your BF. I'm also guessing that you initiate the physical as well. But in my experience, a lot of women (no matter how much they enjoy all aspects of physical intimacy) believe the guy should be the one to do it. I personally don't mind initiating. It's a turn on for me reading a woman's body language and taking what I want. Then again, being woken up with a BJ in the morning is WAY better than a wake up call. Edited March 21, 2015 by fitnessfan365 1
callingyouuu Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 But in my experience, a lot of women (no matter how much they enjoy all aspects of physical intimacy) believe the guy should be the one to do it. A lot of women in my world prefer guys to take the initiative, but this doesn't make her boyfriend a "weak, insecure whiner." He just has a different relationship paradigm and works better with a more expressive partner, and that's perfectly fine. He's not obligated to be satisfied with something that's not working for him, and I think it's a good thing that he's expressing his honest feelings about the situation. That said, OP it's also true that you don't need to feel obligated to change if you're not comfortable with being more expressive. There are plenty of guys who would prefer you as you are. On the other hand, if it's something you want to work on to move the relationship forward, just talk with him and take small steps each day to be more comfortable with initiating. 2
katiegrl Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 (edited) Haha.. You're speculating in the opposite direction. Am I there as a fly on the wall? Obviously not. But she says that she is receptive to him initiating. She just doesn't initiate. To be honest Katie, a lot of women still have a traditional mindset. You're more independent and progressive. You took charge in initiating communication and planning dates with your BF. I'm also guessing that you initiate the physical as well. But in my experience, a lot of women (no matter how much they enjoy all aspects of physical intimacy) believe the guy should be the one to do it. I personally don't mind initiating. It's a turn on for me reading a woman's body language and taking what I want. Then again, being woken up with a BJ in the morning is WAY better than a wake up call. No I did NOT "take charge" of initiating communication and planning dates, nor do I "take charge" of initiating the physical either. Where do you come up with this stuff? What I said, and what I have ALWAYS, said was that, when we first started dating, we BOTH initiated, I didn't "require" that he chase me. Big difference between that and me "taking charge.". Jeez. With respect to the physical, am I affectionate OUTSIDE the bedroom? You bet I am. As is he! I am pretty sure THAT is what this thread is about, the OP's inability/lack of desire to show a little affection OUTSIDE the bedroom, since she said they have not had sex yet. In the bedroom, my boyfriend is very dominant and takes charge most of the time. ..but that's not to say I don't enjoy initiating once in awhile IN the bedroom too. Edited March 21, 2015 by katiegrl
fitnessfan365 Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 (edited) No I did NOT "take charge" of initiating communication and planning dates, nor do I "take charge" of initiating the physical either. Where do you come up with this stuff? What I said, and what I have ALWAYS, said was that, when we first started dating, we BOTH initiated, I didn't "require" that he chase me. Big difference between that and me "taking charge.". Jeez. With respect to the physical, am I affectionate OUTSIDE the bedroom? You bet I am. As is he! I am pretty sure THAT is what this thread is about, the OP's inability/lack of desire to show a little affection OUTSIDE the bedroom, since she said they have not had sex yet. In the bedroom, my boyfriend is very dominant and takes charge most of the time. ..but that's not to say I don't enjoy initiating once in awhile IN the bedroom too. You're getting caught up in semantics Katie. For me, there are two types of people. Those that take charge and go after what they want and those that sit back and rely on others for what they want. In your own words, you weren't going to be one of those women that sat back and replied enthusiastically to your BF's communication and planning letting him have all the power. You may be submissive in the bedroom, but you're way too independent in general to let a guy do all the work. You wanted to have an active mutual role in communication and dates with the both of you initiating. That to me means that you took charge of going after what you want instead of solely relying on your BF to do all the work. Edited March 21, 2015 by fitnessfan365
katiegrl Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 You're getting caught up in semantics Katie. For me, there are two types of people. Those that take charge and go after what they want and those that sit back and rely on others for what they want. In your own words, you weren't going to be one of those women that sat back and replied enthusiastically to your BF's communication and planning letting him have all the power. You may be submissive in the bedroom, but you're way too independent in general to let a guy do all the work. You wanted to have an active mutual role in communication and dates with the both of you initiating. That to me means that you took charge of going after what you want instead of solely relying on your BF to do all the work. Fair enough ff...I get it and thanks for ^^this response. The reason I got upset with your and gary's comments accusing the OP's guy of being a pansey, weak and whiny ....was cause since *my* guy essentially needs that from me to a certain extent, you were inadvertently calling HIM a pansey, weak and whiny too! But I realize now that wasn't your intention... so all is cool... :cool:
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