1Jessie86 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 (edited) I have a major flaw when it comes to dating and that is the lack of intimacy that I display towards the guys that I like. I'm an adult, I haven't dated much, and I'm shy. Bad combination. Is there anything I can do to fix this before I run my current guy off? We've been dating for 5 weeks. He's already shared that this bugs him. In fact he told me today he's unsure about committing because of this. :/ Edited March 20, 2015 by 1Jessie86
Gary S Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 What do you mean lack of intimacy? Do you not like to touch him? No PDA? No sex? Do you pull away? Please be specific and tell the whole story. 1
Author 1Jessie86 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Posted March 20, 2015 What do you mean lack of intimacy? Do you not like to touch him? No PDA? No sex? Do you pull away? Please be specific and tell the whole story. Sorry. By lack of intimacy I mean lack of kissing and touching. We've not had sex yet either but we're taking it slow. 2
Satu Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 You're not ready until you're ready, and 5 weeks is nothing. If he's impatient he's not the right guy. Any guy who really cared for you wouldn't force the issue. You're not the problem, he is. 5 dates doesn't give him the right to anything, not even another date. Never ever get into any sexual activity unless you really want to. Shyness is a confidence issue, and something that you can gradually change as you move forward in your life. Remember, 5 dates = no right anything beyond honesty and basic decency. 10
Author 1Jessie86 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Posted March 20, 2015 Wow, awesome reply. Very helpful. Thank you Satu. 1
Author 1Jessie86 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Posted March 20, 2015 So does he try to kiss you? What do you do? He does and I kiss him back. It's not like I'm pulling away from him, I just don't initiate which seems to be the problem. 2
Gary S Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 If you are just talking about sex, he has to wait until you are ready. Some people wait until marriage. 2
Gary S Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 He does and I kiss him back. It's not like I'm pulling away from him, I just don't initiate which seems to be the problem. - okay, that's his problem, he's high maintenance. 4
Author 1Jessie86 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Posted March 20, 2015 If you are just talking about sex, he has to wait until you are ready. Some people wait until marriage. No, sex is not the issue here. It's the initiation of kissing and touching that seems to be bugging the guy I'm dating.
Satu Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 - okay, that's his problem, he's high maintenance. You're right about that!
Gary S Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 ^^^^um, she's not ready for sex yet. Didn't ya read the thread?!
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TunaCat Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 OP, I struggled with this too initially. My boyfriend is affectionate, more so than I am, and I've struggled with reciprocation. Like you I don't have a lot of experience with dating. I absolutely adore him, and we've talked about this and he's willing to take things slowly. He respects me and he knows I adore him and that's incredibly important to me. I know that my intimacy issues stemmed from having very unhealthy relationship models when I was a kid. I've worked hard at dealing with them through therapy, and while I am more comfortable with intimacy now, I wasn't before I began therapy. I am more comfortable with hand holding and kissing in public now, thankfully. 2
Author 1Jessie86 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Posted March 20, 2015 I know that my intimacy issues stemmed from having very unhealthy relationship models when I was a kid. I've worked hard at dealing with them through therapy, and while I am more comfortable with intimacy now, I wasn't before I began therapy. I am more comfortable with hand holding and kissing in public now, thankfully. That's an idea. Maybe I'll consider therapy.The guy I'm dating actually seems to think my issues stem from my dad not being a very affectionate person towards us when I was growing up. 2
Satu Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 That's an idea. Maybe I'll consider therapy.The guy I'm dating actually seems to think my issues stem from my dad not being a very affectionate person towards us when I was growing up. Most therapists are happy to do a trial session so you can see how you feel about it. My philosophy is this: Identify and face up to your fears and problems as early on as you can in your life, deal with them, and get them out of the way. Then you have a much easier and happier life. Some people drag their problems along with them for a lifetime. Don't be one of them 1
Diezel Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 That's an idea. Maybe I'll consider therapy.The guy I'm dating actually seems to think my issues stem from my dad not being a very affectionate person towards us when I was growing up. A guy you have gone out with for 5 weeks is psycho-analyzing your lack of physical affection and intimacy? How do the kids do these days?: #redflag 3
elaine567 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Sorry. By lack of intimacy I mean lack of kissing and touching. We've not had sex yet either but we're taking it slow. If you have already kissed then take courage in both your hands and start by taking hold of his hand, get used to just touching him, no big deal just touch his arm, his face, his neck, invade his personal space, get close to him. Peck his cheek if you dont want to go right up to him and give a big kiss, but that peck may be enough for him to see you initiating something for a start, until you get more confidence. He is not going to bite you. 4
Redhead14 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 I have a major flaw when it comes to dating and that is the lack of intimacy that I display towards the guys that I like. I'm an adult, I haven't dated much, and I'm shy. Bad combination. Is there anything I can do to fix this before I run my current guy off? We've been dating for 5 weeks. He's already shared that this bugs him. In fact he told me today he's unsure about committing because of this. :/ If you are talking about having sex, it's only been 5 weeks, I don't recommend having sex with someone after only 5 weeks. And, if it' bugging him and/or he's pressuring you for that, I'd simply tell him you aren't comfortable about doing that with him yet and that you would at least want to declare exclusivity between you before or when that happens. If you are simply not flirty or touchy feely, huggy, etc. and this bugs him, you two may not be suited for each other. If you were "into" him enough, even if you're shy, you'd be a little more attentive at least. You may just not be comfortable enough with him yet. It's hard to say. But, plain and simple, don't do anything you don't really want to do ever and certainly don't do anything because you want him to "commit". I'm not comfortable with the fact that he's saying that at this point. It sounds to me like he's giving you an ultimatum. What does he want to commit to? Basically, he's telling you that he wants to have sex with you to figure out if you are compatible in bed or he just wants sex and after he gets it he'll move on. I don't know and that's why you should try to get to know him a little better. And, that's ok really, as long as you are on the same page about wanting a long-term relationship. Exclusivity is the period between casual dating and boyfriend/girlfriend. It's the period where each party is focusing on each other to determine whether there is enough compatibility in communication styles, personality, habits, sex, etc. And, some people feel that exclusivity and being boyfriend and girlfriend are the same, so you'll need to be clear about that between you as well. Have you two had any conversation about what each of you is looking for out of your dating experiences? That is a conversation you need to have in order to determine if you are both on the same page at least. Are you both looking for a long-term committed relationship or have that same dating goals. It should be a casual conversation about what you want in general for yourself (not specifically with him) and then let him tell you what he's looking for. This will ferret out what his intentions are more clearly. 2
katiegrl Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 You're not ready until you're ready, and 5 weeks is nothing. If he's impatient he's not the right guy. Any guy who really cared for you wouldn't force the issue. You're not the problem, he is. 5 dates doesn't give him the right to anything, not even another date. Never ever get into any sexual activity unless you really want to. Shyness is a confidence issue, and something that you can gradually change as you move forward in your life. Remember, 5 dates = no right anything beyond honesty and basic decency. Satu, OP said they have been dating 5 WEEKS, he sounds pretty patient to me...
Gary S Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Um, exsqueeze me, but like I posted earlier, the guy is high maintenance. What kind of pansy guy is worried about affection anyway?! Good men are more interested in sex. Men and women are slightly different in some areas, this is one of them. I don't know why counseling was suggested, she's not the one with the problem. 1
Redhead14 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Um, exsqueeze me, but like I posted earlier, the guy is high maintenance. What kind of pansy guy is worried about affection anyway?! Good men are more interested in sex. Men and women are slightly different in some areas, this is one of them. I don't know why counseling was suggested, she's not the one with the problem. Well, Gary, perhaps this guy is just one of those slightly different men who appreciates and wants a little more touchy feely signs of affection? Should he ignore his needs and wants? If he likes her enough, he should communicate those kinds of things to his current dating prospect to find out if they can work through it. If it's a big enough deal to him, he may want to move on. But, he shouldn't pressure her or use ultimatums either. 1
Redhead14 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 In the end, she has to at least want to do that for him if she likes him enough. A little patience in this case, will go a long way. If they can't work together now, it's an indicator of compatibility for the future.
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