Eagle's-bargain Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Would you date someone who has had an affair? Does it really matter to you if they were the OW/OM or MW/MM? Does it matter to you to know? For me? Hell yes. If the MW/OW had an affair because she was "bored" or felt like she "deserved" an affair, I'd want to know. If she had an affair because she was out with the ladies and full-blown drunk: I'd still want to know. Does it matter? Yes it does. Admitting an affair, to me, does not remove the mark of Cain, but it does reveal something (that I think is important). I'd never be with a woman - or man if I swung that way - who has no remorse. If the only thing a person feels is shame, because they were caught, I'd run like hell away from 'em. So what about you?
sunburned Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 I'd like to ask the companion question. Would you disclose that you had an affair if you were dating? Should you? Are you withholding something important if you do not? To answer your original question, the answer is I probably would not date someone who had an affair. There would be a trust issue and a question of character. And I know, as someone who cheated, I am signing my own death warrant should I ever find myself single. I wouldn't disclose it, but if someone asked me I would tell the truth. Short EA with a physical -- but not sexual -- component. So, eagle, if you are indeed dating again, will you let your future dates know you slept with a married woman?
jbrent890 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 I have always wanted to start a thread about this. If I was single, the answer to that question would be no, especially after what I have seen on this site. You have a lot of APs, especially women that still carry torches for their MM. I have seen a few posts on here in which women go from relationship to relationship because they don't compare to their MM. Second, the level of narcissism I have seen with OW/OM is very disturbing. It is rare that you see a post on here in which a OW/OM is torn up about the fact that they are aiding in destroying a marriage and family. It is almost always about their pain and what their married APs are doing to them. Lastly and most importantly, and there is research to back this up, APs eventually cheat in their own relationships. To this day, there is one thread on here that I constnatly think about. A girl had a history of sleeping with both married men and women. She eventually got into an relationship of her own and started sleeping with her boyfriend's boss. I won't say this about all OM/OW, but IMHO, I think there is something seriously broken in a lot of those individuals.
miseenscene Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Lastly and most importantly, and there is research to back this up, APs eventually cheat in their own relationships. What research is that?
Author Eagle's-bargain Posted March 20, 2015 Author Posted March 20, 2015 So, eagle, if you are indeed dating again, will you let your future dates know you slept with a married woman? Yes. Before things get physical. I have done this already. As for jbrent's comment. I had a personal rule, which I told my friends, that if I saw the BS or he wanted to meet me, I'd let him kill me if he were angry enough. His job basically had him carrying a firearm everday, and I never thought my, tricked or no, selfishness would undo his pain. I loved his wife, before they married and she came to me. But I wanted to take that all away. So of course it's only fair, in my mind, that if I broke his marriage, of course with the help of his wayward wife, he could take my life. There were times where the shame, guilt, & remorse got to be a bit much for me. Or maybe it was the booze?....
SolG Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 ...there is research to back this up, APs eventually cheat in their own relationships. All I know is that before I was an OW, I was a W in a relatively unfulfilling M for a long time. And I didn't cheat despite ample opportunity to do so. My A was an aberration that I certainly do not intend to repeat from any perspective! And I would have thought that the A experience would put most participants off infidelity for life :-/ So I too would be interested to read this research. Could you please post a link ot citation? Back to OP's question... If I ever decide to date again, yes I would consider dating someone who had had an A, regardless of role. It would completely depend on their story and context. And I can't really tell you what would be okay, and what would be a deal breaker; because I haven't the story yet. And from my perspective, I would absolutely divulge that I have been an OW. I won't enter a R where I can't be open about myself to my partner. If that puts the prospective party off... So be it. They're not the one for me. 2
Artie Lang Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 no, i would not. this is because the intense feelings that come with infidelity would be very hard to match. i know that many have tried and come a long way to suppress those feeling, but let's be totally honest here... you can't just bury feelings like that and not expect to "go there" from time to time. just read what gets posted on here. i don't want to be anyone's consolation prize.
SleekArchitecture Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 I do not understand this question, are you saying that two people on a date, over wine spill all their skeletons in the closet? Unless, cheating is your lifestyle and you have a drive to cheat, a compulsion, then sure that would be a topic to discuss if the relationship progresses to exclusivity. I do not want to discuss a partner's ONS, dates, or past partners. That is a known no no, to tell your date stories of all your exes.
Author Eagle's-bargain Posted March 20, 2015 Author Posted March 20, 2015 I do not understand this question, are you saying that two people on a date, over wine spill all their skeletons in the closet? Unless, cheating is your lifestyle and you have a drive to cheat, a compulsion, then sure that would be a topic to discuss if the relationship progresses to exclusivity. I do not want to discuss a partner's ONS, dates, or past partners. That is a known no no, to tell your date stories of all your exes. I should have said I meant exclusive relationships. The problem I have with them is that they often get exclusive due to uglies colliding. I have my own deal breaker questions in relationships, all are individual issues (i.e. I don't celebrate and refuse to part-take in holidays outside of my religion, no small dogs, etc)
SleekArchitecture Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 I should have said I meant exclusive relationships. The problem I have with them is that they often get exclusive due to uglies colliding. I have my own deal breaker questions in relationships' date=' all are individual issues (i.e. I don't celebrate and refuse to part-take in holidays outside of my religion, no small dogs, etc)[/quote'] Nope. I have never cheated in a relationship. I have always been against cheating, prior to this mistake. There is no reason to bring up the ex. I will not carry the burden of this insignificant relationship for my lifetime.
FusionCutter Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 I do not understand this question, are you saying that two people on a date, over wine spill all their skeletons in the closet? Unless, cheating is your lifestyle and you have a drive to cheat, a compulsion, then sure that would be a topic to discuss if the relationship progresses to exclusivity. I do not want to discuss a partner's ONS, dates, or past partners. That is a known no no, to tell your date stories of all your exes. Why? There's nothing wrong with discussing history and where you come from. No need for gory details, but I'd be uncomfortable with someone unwilling to even talk about their past. What's there to hide?
SleekArchitecture Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Why? There's nothing wrong with discussing history and where you come from. No need for gory details, but I'd be uncomfortable with someone unwilling to even talk about their past. What's there to hide? I have no interest in their past partners and relationship failures, I really do not have any desire or interest to hear about it. I like to focus on the present and future, not the past. If they feel the need to drown me in all their past escapades, I will listen unless it becomes unbearable or repetitive.
jbrent890 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 3 Statistics That Will Change the Way You Look at Dating
carhill Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Would you date someone who has had an affair? Dated a lot from the age of 18 to 40 and, yup, some of those folks had participated or were participating in activities LS describes as infidelity Does it really matter to you if they were the OW/OM or MW/MM? Didn't note marked feeling one way or another but I don't recall a significant number of disclosed OW's; most had been or were MW's. Does it matter to you to know? Back then, I didn't give it much thought. Finding women to date was very difficult. At my age now, given the LS standards for infidelity, and if I could read minds, the subject is probably a place I wouldn't want to go. Fortunately (I think), the real world appears to not have LS standards for infidelity nor can I read minds, so everything is merely speculative and unverifiable and life is getting a bit short in the tooth to worry about the past. There are no children to raise nor friends to impress with social credentials, rather just living. However, your thread did cause me to reflect a bit and one surprising revelation was that, when interacting with women, it was the women who saw me as the eunuch friend who were far more likely to tell me, sometimes in great detail, about their infidelities, than women who either I dated or who apparently viewed me as a potential partner. However, some of the eunuch friend interactions did fall under LS's guidelines of infidelity so perhaps those were anomalies. For purposes of my response, LS guidelines of inappropriate (infidelity) interaction are behaviors, words or actions which, if performed in front of one's partner or spouse, would be disapproved of as an abrogation of the commitment, whether legal (marriage) or not. So, a woman talking with me about sex and her husband's sexual performance and flirting with me is being unfaithful (one example from my annals) if her husband disapproved of such intimacies. There are a plethora of behaviors other than PIV sex which can describe 'an affair' and, generally, each person describes them for themselves, hence the widely disparate viewpoints on what an affair is. If you drill it down, and were able to look analytically at the totality of everyone's life without any obfuscation nor 'filter', which fortunately is impossible, such analysis would likely end in 'scary version'. Perhaps we're fortunate that, largely, ignorance is bliss.
gettingstronger Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Interesting question-in retrospect it probably would have been good to heed the advice of my parents not to get in too deep with my now husband because of his FOO- I think that I should as a couple we should have addressed how that effected him and his views on infidelity- As for me, if I were to become single, I am not sure I would be a good mate for anyone for quite a long time- infidelity has damaged who I am and how I view relationships for sure- I would not cheat, but I bet I am pretty freaking messed up in ways I am not even aware of- So, maybe not exactly what you were asking, but IF I were single I would not want to get involved with anyone that has been touched by infidelity in any way in their relatively recent past-
No Limit Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 No, I wouldn't. I tend to stay away from people who only bring trouble wherever they go.
2.50 a gallon Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 For me I think the answer is yes. When I caught my Ex cheating, I too drifted to the dark side. With most of my partners it was just sex with somebody other than their husband. Other than that there was no attraction. My first partner and I knew from the beginning that we were not meant for each other. We eventually became very good friends and kept in touch for years. I met her second husband long before they got engaged and married. He knew of our past and was fine with it. It was his idea that I was invited to their wedding. Another partner, a co-worker, we were very much attracted to each other and had tons of things in common. She wanted to take the relationship deeper, but I listened to the counsel of friends that rebound relationships never work. It was a good year later that I woke up to what I had thrown away. Alas, it was far too late.
preraph Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Because breakups can be very complex with only degrees of difference in who's to blame, I'd hear their story. But keep in mind you're only hearing one side of the story. I've dated separated guys whose wives were the first one to cheat or move on from the relationship. I've been called the OW in at least one of those, when the truth is it was the wife who caused all the chaos. In one case, it was due to her being suspicious and she was trying to make him jealous by hitting on and sleeping with guys he knew that it would get back to him. I worked with the guy, as did many other people, but I was in love with someone else the whole time their drama was going down and not at all involved through it. In other cases, I give people who married too young a pass when they leave their marriages and it gets messy. Because I view most of those as doomed to fail. I'm talking about people who marry in or just out of high school and are ready to divorce at 25 because they haven't lived and are growing in different directions. A ex of mine married his young sweetheart he met in his after-school job. There was never any real acrimony, but they just both matured away from each other. I think he would have stayed in the marriage because of duty, but she found kinship with a more mature coworker and they just outgrew each other. I dated him during their separation and it was all very civil between him and her and her and me (I occasionally crossed paths with her on business). Sometimes people just grow apart. Listen to the story, but if what you hear is a bunch of wholesale blame and drama and bitterness, that's what you want to be careful of, because now you know how they handle interpersonal relationships and that it isn't realistically or maturely. 1
SolG Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 3 Statistics That Will Change the Way You Look at Dating That blog is actually quoting (without referencing, and completely out of context :-/) a study analysing relationships formed via mate poaching. NOT the relationship patterns of poachers. Big difference! And also, the evidence indicates that in these relationships it is the poached partner that is less comitted, etc; which is no surprise to anyone here on LS. Keen to see if there actually is any research on poachers beyond the limited context of this paper. Will let you know if I find anything.
miseenscene Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 3 Statistics That Will Change the Way You Look at Dating Thanks. I read the link, and followed it to the original scientific journal article. That research does not say what you said it says. You wrote that AP partners eventually cheat in their own relationships. That is not in the statistics you linked to. What IS there are two things: 1) that "poor relationship functioning" is predicted and 2) that people "poached" (so, wayward spouses, not APs) are more likely to engage in infidelity in subsequent relationships. I guess those findings could apply in both cases if both people in the affair were married, but there is nothing there about a non-married affair partner being more predisposed to infidelity.
Recommended Posts