When (if ever) is it acceptable to reach out again?

[neildc]

Hey all,

 

Well, I've posted my story many times on here (I appreciate all of you for the feedback - regardless of content). Basically, I was with someone for almost five years...we had some issues seeing each other, I was emotional and took it the wrong way and I broke it off and walked away. We stayed in contact after, met up a few times, almost if nothing had happened. Looking back, this was a terrible idea. Regardless, I had been dropping hints to her about wanting to get back together when I realized how stupid this staying in contact like nothing happened thing was. It was shielding me from the pain that I'm sure she had felt. Finally, I just directly told her I was wrong and I wanted her back after a couple of months.

 

She wasn't having it though. It hurt, but I am not asking for sympathy. I made a immature, rash decision and hurt her. She was just protecting herself. I went through the pleading phase and all that. She stopped communicating with me, understandably. I was a mess because I hadn't felt the break up until that contact was lost if that makes sense. I sent her a few emails stating the same (I made the wrong decision and wanted to make things right again between us, etc). No trying to toy with her emotions or anything. Nothing from her.

 

Either way, I finally realized I was being selfish and should respect her wishes. I've been NC for almost 3 weeks now. Granted, she stopped first but I finally took the hint and realized I wasn't helping anything and also stopped. We haven't really spoken seriously for almost a month and half. I've been working on myself though, and I'm not that same emotional wreck I was just a month or so ago. I've already said everything imaginable to her to attempt to reconcile. I know a big point I've seen around here is for dumpers needed to be clear and direct, which is why I came out and honestly told her I was wrong. Period. She's one of those girls who can just suppress feelings quickly and not deal with emotions, forget, etc.

 

I think maybe my directness made her feel pressured looking back, and that wasn't my intention. She may think of me, but she's never going to let me know it or reach out after she's gone into this mode. I simply wanted to have a chance to make things work. If she walked away and didn't want it then, totally fine with me. I wasn't going to repeat my mistake ever again by leaving her. It would have to be her.

 

I finally entered a phase where I left denial about a month ago and accepted that things as they were are over. I guess my question is how/when should I even attempt to reach out to her again? I know I probably shouldn't, but I am okay with whatever response (or no response) I receive. At least I think so. I'm no longer pining for her or pleading, and she clearly knew that I wanted to do whatever was necessary to work things out. I may have screwed up, but at least I was honest and admitted fault, and said/did everything (that I can think of) to reconcile.

 

I just don't know if time changes things at all or if I should just leave it as is. Regardless, if one were to reach out...what is the best way and when should you do it? I miss her from time to time, but it's not like it was initially when she broke contact where I was consumed by her. She may never speak to me again because I broke her heart. I get that now. I wish I could un-break it or take back what I did. I really do. I'm not looking for sympathy and I certainly don't deserve it. I just truly wish I could love the one person that meant so much to me again. I took her for granted and I dearly regret that.

 

I felt as if I couldn't function in life without her, which was stupid. I've learned to be happy with myself first and take care of me. I don't need her in my life...but I want her in my life. If that makes sense. I was direct in telling her I was wrong and wanted to make amends because I'm not worried about my pride or ego. That's meaningless to me. I'm not one of those guys. She was too important to me. I messed that up and it hurts. I'm getting better, but I would like to at some point reach out to her. And NOT to make myself feel better, but to reconcile. I just don't know what's left to say as I've been as direct as possible. I thought maybe we could be friends at one point during all this, but I'm kidding myself. We loved each other too much. She was such a big part of my life and I stupidly didn't realize it until she was gone. I own that, I know.

 

Thanks again everyone for the support and feedback.

Edited March 20, 2015 by neildc

[AIJ]

When you're completely indifferent. When you're at a point where you can watch her be all over another guy and not care. Chances are, by this point, you'll be seeing her in a completely new light and not want anything to do with her.

[neildc]

When you're completely indifferent. When you're at a point where you can watch her be all over another guy and not care. Chances are, by this point, you'll be seeing her in a completely new light and not want anything to do with her.

 

So, don't reach out is basically what you're saying. That's fair. Interesting way you put it though, I do like the directness of your advice. I'm certainly much improved but no way at a point where I am okay with seeing her all over another guy. As much as it would hurt, if she were with someone already after only being a part a few months...that would make me feel 'better' as strange as that sounds. At least then I know we didn't mean as much as maybe I thought, and that I should really just forget everything and move forward as well.

[AIJ]

So, don't reach out is basically what you're saying. That's fair. Interesting way you put it though, I do like the directness of your advice. I'm certainly much improved but no way at a point where I am okay with seeing her all over another guy. As much as it would hurt, if she were with someone already after only being a part a few months...that would make me feel 'better' as strange as that sounds. At least then I know we didn't mean as much as maybe I thought, and that I should really just forget everything and move forward as well.

 

Oh months would've been kind of my ex girlfriend. She couldn't even wait as much as 2 weeks

 

I'm very straight forward, no bull****. Yes I'm basically saying don't reach out! Even if the time comes in the future where you WOULD be okay with seeing her happy/all over someone else, she'll have changed massively, and so will you. Go your separate ways and never look back

[neildc]

Oh months would've been kind of my ex girlfriend. She couldn't even wait as much as 2 weeks

 

I'm very straight forward, no bull****. Yes I'm basically saying don't reach out! Even if the time comes in the future where you WOULD be okay with seeing her happy/all over someone else, she'll have changed massively, and so will you. Go your separate ways and never look back

 

I love your attitude on these things, it's always great to have people like you with experience to speak the truth.

 

And two weeks?! Okay, maybe I take back what I said...I don't know how I would handle that. No one deserves that kind of treatment. But you sound like you're moving forward amazingly. I hope I am soon to that point where I can just say move and never look back. I will get there though thanks to kind folks like yourself. Thanks again! You just made me feel immensely better. AND most importantly, I'm not going to think about reaching out. It's obvious now nothing good can come from it.

[darkbloom]

hi neil,

 

 

I would give it more time. You've only been in a month or so. I would continue to work on yourself and give her the opportunity to do the same. It can take months before you are finally indifferent to her response. I'm in kind of the same situation as you, however, I will not reach out because I cannot go through the pain with that person ever again.

 

 

I think if you are several months down the line and you still want to reconcile it would go over better. It sounds like you might have smothered her a bit looking to get back together. You can float it by her and see if her feelings have changed.

 

 

In the meantime, keep up the good work. You have an opportunity to handle things much differently this time around.

 

 

best,

 

 

DB

[neildc]

hi neil,

 

 

I would give it more time. You've only been in a month or so. I would continue to work on yourself and give her the opportunity to do the same. It can take months before you are finally indifferent to her response. I'm in kind of the same situation as you, however, I will not reach out because I cannot go through the pain with that person ever again.

 

 

I think if you are several months down the line and you still want to reconcile it would go over better. It sounds like you might have smothered her a bit looking to get back together. You can float it by her and see if her feelings have changed.

 

 

In the meantime, keep up the good work. You have an opportunity to handle things much differently this time around.

 

 

best,

 

 

DB

 

DB,

 

Thanks for you response as well. You are also probably correct in that a month really is nothing. I'll re-evaluate things a couple months from now and see how I feel then. Hopefully I will truly be indifferent at that time and maybe won't want to be with her for all I know.

 

If you don't mind me asking, why wouldn't you reach out? Sounds like you were the dumpee, I assume? Did the dumper reach out to you and apologize and attempt to reconcile? I'm sorry if I'm making you rehash what I'm sure is a difficult thing for you. Don't have to respond if you're not comfortable.

 

Thanks again for your words. I think you are right about me making her feel smothered. I'll keep working on being happy with myself and maturing and see where I'm at a couple months down the road.

[TunaCat]

My ex and I went NC for two months. A specific timeline wasn't agreed upon prior to going NC. I wanted to reconcile. I missed him horribly and I knew I had jumped the gun in ending the relationship. We did reconcile and are now taking things very slowly.

 

However, she may have moved on. She may be dating someone else. Are you prepared for the emotions that will probably come? Are you prepared for her to tell you never to contact her again?

[neildc]

My ex and I went NC for two months. A specific timeline wasn't agreed upon prior to going NC. I wanted to reconcile. I missed him horribly and I knew I had jumped the gun in ending the relationship. We did reconcile and are now taking things very slowly.

 

However, she may have moved on. She may be dating someone else. Are you prepared for the emotions that will probably come? Are you prepared for her to tell you never to contact her again?

 

If you don't mind me asking, can you provide minimal details about your scenario? How was contact initiated after that two months of NC? Who did it? What was initially said, etc?

 

To answer your question, I'd like to think I am ready for that response but I'm sure no matter how much better I'm doing now that I'm not. She's already basically told me not to contact her anymore prior to her breaking contact so I've gotten over the emotions involved with that. It's good to talk these things out because the more I openly talk about this, the more I realize the negatives of reaching out seem to far outweigh the positives. That makes me sad, but I guess facing reality is all a part of this process.

Edited March 20, 2015 by neildc

[Simon Phoenix]

If you don't mind me asking, can you provide minimal details about your scenario? How was contact initiated after that two months of NC? Who did it? What was initially said, etc?

 

To answer your question, I'd like to think I am ready for that response but I'm sure no matter how much better I'm doing now that I'm not. She's alreasdy basically told me not to contact her anymore prior to her breaking contact so I've gotten over the emotions involved with that. It's good to talk these things out because the more I ioenly talk about this, the more I realize the negatives of reaching out seem to far outweighs the positives. That makes me sad, but I guess facing reality is all a part of this process.

 

Sounds like she's the dumper. To answer your question, you shouldn't contact your ex if you are in a state where you are planning contact and you have absolutely no motives for contact and no expectations of it. When you can ask her a question about something random and for it to simply be a question about something random, not a tool to decipher interest. Also, if she tells you to drop dead or mentions that she has a new boyfriend, your response is "meh, whatever."

 

You aren't there, you aren't close to being there. Why? Because you are asking about it on here. If you were truly there, you wouldn't have to ask when or if. You'd just do and it wouldn't be something that you ruminated and thought about before doing it, you'd just do it.

[neildc]

Sounds like she's the dumper. To answer your question, you shouldn't contact your ex if you are in a state where you are planning contact and you have absolutely no motives for contact and no expectations of it. When you can ask her a question about something random and for it to simply be a question about something random, not a tool to decipher interest. Also, if she tells you to drop dead or mentions that she has a new boyfriend, your response is "meh, whatever."

 

You aren't there, you aren't close to being there. Why? Because you are asking about it on here. If you were truly there, you wouldn't have to ask when or if. You'd just do and it wouldn't be something that you ruminated and thought about before doing it, you'd just do it.

 

Very true indeed, I don't deny that. I guess I realize I messed up so terribly, that I wanted advice on how to properly do it. That is, when or if that time ever arrives. It seems like from what I gather continuing to focus on working on myself will eventually lead me to the conclusion that it just isn't worth it in the end though. I like that though, meh, whatever. I hear what you're saying though and thank you for the response.

[darkbloom]

DB,

 

Thanks for you response as well. You are also probably correct in that a month really is nothing. I'll re-evaluate things a couple months from now and see how I feel then. Hopefully I will truly be indifferent at that time and maybe won't want to be with her for all I know.

 

If you don't mind me asking, why wouldn't you reach out? Sounds like you were the dumpee, I assume? Did the dumper reach out to you and apologize and attempt to reconcile? I'm sorry if I'm making you rehash what I'm sure is a difficult thing for you. Don't have to respond if you're not comfortable.

 

Thanks again for your words. I think you are right about me making her feel smothered. I'll keep working on being happy with myself and maturing and see where I'm at a couple months down the road.

 

Hi Neil,

 

 

I don't mind rehashing. It makes me feel better when I talk it out. I am the dumpee. In this case we have had three separate break ups in our 4 year relationship. (One of us has always broken NC, usually him, and we have resumed our relationship.) This last one he did the breaking up. I found out a few days after the breakup that he had possible been cheating during our second reconciliation from a mutual friend. I broke NC and made him meet me at my house. He admitted to the cheating and apologized profusely. He kept saying 'Please don't do this, I know you won't change your mind but please don't do this.' Which is strange since he had already broken up with me. I said some pretty harsh but very accurate things to him on this last go around. I do not regret anything I said as it was the honest truth and I had nothing to lose. He said some nonsense about how he has always been there for me (I laughed and was like yeah, like when you were in this other chicks bed. That was REALLY being there for me. He was not amused by my witticisms.)

 

 

The thing for me was after the first breakup I was a hot mess. Crying all the time, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. When we got back together I poured my energy into fixing the things that caused the breakup and doubled my efforts into him. He clearly was not about fixing anything. And then he lied about the cheating for over a year. Not the first thing he has lied about and I cannot handle the lying.

 

 

I realized that he is not going to change. We have a strong connection and I do still love him. Even 3 months NC. But the thing that I have realized is that if I get into contact with him, we will start over back at square one. We will go back to this crazy relationship that was not functioning. I will always be anxious of him lying to me and waiting for him to breakup with me. He turned me into this person that I am not. I let him do that to me. I am so much stronger and better than that. He told me he cheated because he was in a dark place. I told him that he pulled me down that ****ing rabbit hole with him and then left me there. I realized that it was my job to not allow someone pull me into their rabbit hole. And what a lame ass excuse for cheating. I will not be in a place like that with someone ever again.

 

 

Our last contact was Dec 22, 2014 when I confronted him about the cheating. He texted me on Christmas Day "Happy Christmas DB because only Harry understands you." This in reference to when he used to ask me what I was doing at night and I would say I had a date with Harry Potter and we were in a longtime relationship. It was a weird thing to say but I did not respond. (Can anyone chime in with what the hell he meant by that??) Complete radio silence since then. I have not checked any of his social media but he has checked mine.

 

 

Time has helped me see this situation more clearly. I am able to see it for what it is.

[TunaCat]

If you don't mind me asking, can you provide minimal details about your scenario? How was contact initiated after that two months of NC? Who did it? What was initially said, etc?

 

To answer your question, I'd like to think I am ready for that response but I'm sure no matter how much better I'm doing now that I'm not. She's already basically told me not to contact her anymore prior to her breaking contact so I've gotten over the emotions involved with that. It's good to talk these things out because the more I openly talk about this, the more I realize the negatives of reaching out seem to far outweigh the positives. That makes me sad, but I guess facing reality is all a part of this process.

 

Sure, I don't mind sharing. Yes, as posters have surmised, I was the dumper. There was nothing wrong with our relationship, I was honestly scared to commit to the guy because of my own issues with commitment that I took the time to work on after the breakup. I knew that I wanted to be married one day and to do that I needed to go to counseling to stop the self sabotaging habits I had adopted.

 

I was the one who reached out to him after those two months. I still had very strong feelings for him, and I was actively working on improving myself. I texted him about a song I had heard on the radio from a band I knew he loved. He responded around two hours later.

 

If you know you are not ready to handle any negative response from her, then you are not ready to contact her. I still had feelings for the guy, but I also knew I wanted him to be happy and I was honestly 100% okay with whatever response I got from him.

[Simon Phoenix]

Very true indeed, I don't deny that. I guess I realize I messed up so terribly, that I wanted advice on how to properly do it. That is, when or if that time ever arrives. It seems like from what I gather continuing to focus on working on myself will eventually lead me to the conclusion that it just isn't worth it in the end though. I like that though, meh, whatever. I hear what you're saying though and thank you for the response.

 

There's no "proper" way -- it's not a step-by-step process like installing a satellite dish or changing oil. The step is that the dumper has to want it on their own. If that doesn't happen, it doesn't matter if you are being a creepy stalker or a suave magician -- the result is going to be the same.

 

You need to work on you for you. There really aren't any other "steps" besides that.

[neildc]

There's no "proper" way -- it's not a step-by-step process like installing a satellite dish or changing oil. The step is that the dumper has to want it on their own. If that doesn't happen, it doesn't matter if you are being a creepy stalker or a suave magician -- the result is going to be the same.

 

You need to work on you for you. There really aren't any other "steps" besides that.

 

Understood. Again, I hear you. I am just looking to not royally screw things up further if I reach that point of indifference and still want to reach out. I don't expect someone to tell me something concrete that I can do, no woman is alike. I was only looking for shared experiences, things to avoid if I do reach out, etc. You're right though. Your ex has to want to come back to you. Focusing on me for the future has been my goal once I finally accepted the end. It's been great, I hope I continue to progress to a point where maybe my initial question becomes invalid.

[neildc]

Sure, I don't mind sharing. Yes, as posters have surmised, I was the dumper. There was nothing wrong with our relationship, I was honestly scared to commit to the guy because of my own issues with commitment that I took the time to work on after the breakup. I knew that I wanted to be married one day and to do that I needed to go to counseling to stop the self sabotaging habits I had adopted.

 

I was the one who reached out to him after those two months. I still had very strong feelings for him, and I was actively working on improving myself. I texted him about a song I had heard on the radio from a band I knew he loved. He responded around two hours later.

 

If you know you are not ready to handle any negative response from her, then you are not ready to contact her. I still had feelings for the guy, but I also knew I wanted him to be happy and I was honestly 100% okay with whatever response I got from him.

 

I can totally relate to your situation. I too feel as if I was looking for a way to avoid getting very serious and making that commitment to her (marriage). I didn't think I was ready, but I've learned the hard way that she was in fact worth it and I was wrong. I can admit that even though it may be too late for me now.

 

I guess the thought of just randomly sending a text about something seemingly innocent like a band someone likes seems too casual to reach out, but I think the one thing I have picked up on from what everyone has said is that you have to be able to start slow and also be comfortable with having a harmless/meaningless conversation. Things as they once were are over. I think I have finally reached this phase.

 

You're again totally right about needing to get to a point where I can handle news I may not want to hear and have no expectations. I'm glad you guys were able to start the process of reconciling and wish you continued success. You seem like a great person, best of luck and thanks for sharing details. I know it isn't always easy to do so.

[Simon Phoenix]

I can totally relate to your situation. I too feel as if I was looking for a way to avoid getting very serious and making that commitment to her (marriage). I didn't think I was ready, but I've learned the hard way that she was in fact worth it and I was wrong. I can admit that even though it may be too late for me now.

 

I guess the thought of just randomly sending a text about something seemingly innocent like a band someone likes seems too casual to reach out, but I think the one thing I have picked up on from what everyone has said is that you have to be able to start slow and also be comfortable with having a harmless/meaningless conversation. Things as they once were are over. I think I have finally reached this phase.

 

You're again totally right about needing to get to a point where I can handle news I may not want to hear and have no expectations. I'm glad you guys were able to start the process of reconciling and wish you continued success. You seem like a great person, best of luck and thanks for sharing details. I know it isn't always easy to do so.

 

Actually, it's much more preferable if the dumper comes to you, like Tunacat did. Almost every single successful reconciliation I know of in my life has come from the dumper pursuing the dumpee and letting them know their intentions. The dumpee chasing, even if well after the fact, rarely goes anywhere.

[neildc]

Hi Neil,

 

 

I don't mind rehashing. It makes me feel better when I talk it out. I am the dumpee. In this case we have had three separate break ups in our 4 year relationship. (One of us has always broken NC, usually him, and we have resumed our relationship.) This last one he did the breaking up. I found out a few days after the breakup that he had possible been cheating during our second reconciliation from a mutual friend. I broke NC and made him meet me at my house. He admitted to the cheating and apologized profusely. He kept saying 'Please don't do this, I know you won't change your mind but please don't do this.' Which is strange since he had already broken up with me. I said some pretty harsh but very accurate things to him on this last go around. I do not regret anything I said as it was the honest truth and I had nothing to lose. He said some nonsense about how he has always been there for me (I laughed and was like yeah, like when you were in this other chicks bed. That was REALLY being there for me. He was not amused by my witticisms.)

 

 

The thing for me was after the first breakup I was a hot mess. Crying all the time, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. When we got back together I poured my energy into fixing the things that caused the breakup and doubled my efforts into him. He clearly was not about fixing anything. And then he lied about the cheating for over a year. Not the first thing he has lied about and I cannot handle the lying.

 

 

I realized that he is not going to change. We have a strong connection and I do still love him. Even 3 months NC. But the thing that I have realized is that if I get into contact with him, we will start over back at square one. We will go back to this crazy relationship that was not functioning. I will always be anxious of him lying to me and waiting for him to breakup with me. He turned me into this person that I am not. I let him do that to me. I am so much stronger and better than that. He told me he cheated because he was in a dark place. I told him that he pulled me down that ****ing rabbit hole with him and then left me there. I realized that it was my job to not allow someone pull me into their rabbit hole. And what a lame ass excuse for cheating. I will not be in a place like that with someone ever again.

 

 

Our last contact was Dec 22, 2014 when I confronted him about the cheating. He texted me on Christmas Day "Happy Christmas DB because only Harry understands you." This in reference to when he used to ask me what I was doing at night and I would say I had a date with Harry Potter and we were in a longtime relationship. It was a weird thing to say but I did not respond. (Can anyone chime in with what the hell he meant by that??) Complete radio silence since then. I have not checked any of his social media but he has checked mine.

 

 

Time has helped me see this situation more clearly. I am able to see it for what it is.

 

Whoa, I'm sorry you were in that situation where someone hurt you like that. You certainly have every right to never want to reach out again. Cheating, in my opinion, is inexcusable. There are many reasons (some valid, some not) that relationships may end, but cheating is one that no one deserves to be put through. No one should also have to endure being broken up with multiple times. Of course, I say that as someone who has broken up and want to get back together with his ex so I can't really speak to that I suppose.

 

Considering how badly you were wronged, you sound like you were fairly calm when you confronted him about the cheating. I'm sure there are other women out there who would entirely go off the deep end (rightfully so). I feel as you did during your first break up. In that I am actively trying to work on myself and become a better version of me. For me first, but indirectly for her when/if we ever reconnect. I only wish she would take me back as you did so that she can see that I truly am working each day to mature and be a better man. I wish you ex had done the same when you took him back the first time, because I also know how difficult it is to reflect and change things about yourself for the better.

 

You also sound like a caring, dedicated woman who deserves so much more. Like you said though, you can't help who you love or have feelings for and no one faults anyone for that. Certainly not me.

 

As far as his comment on Christmas, if I were to take a guess I think he genuinely maybe didn't want to set you off but also didn't want to send something as generic as "Merry Christmas." His way around being generic and not upsetting you further was to incorporate something that was unique to you two, while at the same time hoping it brought a smile to your face. At least that's the way I see it.

 

You appear to me to be a strong, confident, and improved person and that's a testament to your courage of wanting to change for the better. As a dumper (especially one who is talking about reconciliation), I shouldn't say this but you have made the right decision. You deserve better, I mean that. I've only finally been coping relatively well these past few weeks, but I hope to get to 3 months like you and have the same level of confidence as you do. Thanks again for being engaging and sharing, I really appreciate it. Wish you continued success in healing!

[neildc]

Actually, it's much more preferable if the dumper comes to you, like Tunacat did. Almost every single successful reconciliation I know of in my life has come from the dumper pursuing the dumpee and letting them know their intentions. The dumpee chasing, even if well after the fact, rarely goes anywhere.

 

As the dumper, I again agree with you. I certainly don't expect the dumpee (who in most cases is heart broken) to have to chase the dumper. My point to all this is that I have made my intentions clear and she is currently not interested. Maybe I came on too strong, I don't know. But at least I was clear where I stood and admitted I was wrong. Maybe her rejecting reconciliation should be my hint to let go and truly move on, but it takes time to get to the logical conclusion I suppose.

[Simon Phoenix]

As the dumper, I again agree with you. I certainly don't expect the dumpee (who in most cases is heart broken) to have to chase the dumper. My point to all this is that I have made my intentions clear and she is currently not interested. Maybe I came on too strong, I don't know. But at least I was clear where I stood and admitted I was wrong. Maybe her rejecting reconciliation should be my hint to let go and truly move on, but it takes time to get to the logical conclusion I suppose.

 

Shoot, I didn't realize you were the dumper, my bad. Kind of changes a bit about what I said above, I just assumed you were a dumpee. My fault.

 

However, if she told you flat out to get lost, then yes, I'd back off. Sounds like it's way too raw and she needs to recover. Perhaps in several months you can give one more try if you want, but if you choose that and it doesn't work, I'd just chalk it up as a total loss.

[darkbloom]

Whoa, I'm sorry you were in that situation where someone hurt you like that. You certainly have every right to never want to reach out again. Cheating, in my opinion, is inexcusable. There are many reasons (some valid, some not) that relationships may end, but cheating is one that no one deserves to be put through. No one should also have to endure being broken up with multiple times. Of course, I say that as someone who has broken up and want to get back together with his ex so I can't really speak to that I suppose.

 

Considering how badly you were wronged, you sound like you were fairly calm when you confronted him about the cheating. I'm sure there are other women out there who would entirely go off the deep end (rightfully so). I feel as you did during your first break up. In that I am actively trying to work on myself and become a better version of me. For me first, but indirectly for her when/if we ever reconnect. I only wish she would take me back as you did so that she can see that I truly am working each day to mature and be a better man. I wish you ex had done the same when you took him back the first time, because I also know how difficult it is to reflect and change things about yourself for the better.

 

You also sound like a caring, dedicated woman who deserves so much more. Like you said though, you can't help who you love or have feelings for and no one faults anyone for that. Certainly not me.

 

As far as his comment on Christmas, if I were to take a guess I think he genuinely maybe didn't want to set you off but also didn't want to send something as generic as "Merry Christmas." His way around being generic and not upsetting you further was to incorporate something that was unique to you two, while at the same time hoping it brought a smile to your face. At least that's the way I see it.

 

You appear to me to be a strong, confident, and improved person and that's a testament to your courage of wanting to change for the better. As a dumper (especially one who is talking about reconciliation), I shouldn't say this but you have made the right decision. You deserve better, I mean that. I've only finally been coping relatively well these past few weeks, but I hope to get to 3 months like you and have the same level of confidence as you do. Thanks again for being engaging and sharing, I really appreciate it. Wish you continued success in healing!

 

If I can give advice to anyone it is not to let the same person break up with you multiple times if you can help it. The first breakup for me was traumatizing. I had been terminated from my job, friend issues, family issues, self-esteem issues and then a breakup all rolled into one. I have never been suicidal but I was at the end of my rope. I actively worked on my issues and can say that I was in a far better place for him to break up with me this time around. Yes it was still painful, but the rest of my life was going very well. The lying bothers me more than the cheating. I can understand cheating but not being honest about it absolutely kills me.

 

To be honest, I am too good for him. I do not think he saw it, even though his parents would indirectly hint at it to him. They knew that I was the best thing to walk into his life and they could see how happy I made him. He couldn't see it though from his rabbit hole.

 

I think he resented all of the positive changes I made in my life while he was standing still. I got offered and accepted two better jobs with more pay while he is still working the same job where we met. I bought a house with no roommates. Every time something knocked me down, I got up and usually ended up better for it. When he got knocked down, he would stay down for several weeks. I got help for my depression and my anxiety and actually started feeling better. I lost the weight I had put on during our first break up. His friends and family all loved me. I think he wanted to 'save me' but I ended up trying to save him instead.

 

I can be honest with you and tell you that if he came back and said he was sorry and he wanted to get back together that I don't know what I would say. My head knows better, but my heart is still trying to find its way off the floor. I just listed to you every reason why it's not a good idea. This is why I am an advocate for NC. Only when you are truly healed is it a good idea to break that contact.

 

Everything will work out the way it is meant to. I truly believe that. Keep up the hard NC work.