Romantic 1,5 year relationship ended

[George90]

My first relationship started, 2013 july the 21st, and I tried to make no mistakes and do everything perfectly. We fell in deep love with each other. We went on a trip for about 5 days, two months after we got together. We went out, restaurants, parks, walks, flowers, cinema, cooking and so on until it ended. It ended 2015 janurary the 7th. I ended it and that day didn't work out as I expected.

 

There were some stuff that affected our relationship. Her mom disliked me, eventually. She didn't approve of us meeting, talking on the phone, our sexts (yes she disrespected her privacy and checked through her messages). She accused her of only "****ing" with me as she expressed it (which wasn't true and should not matter). I want you to bare in mind that there are cultural differences involved. I am born and raised in Sweden, she is from Romania. We both have roots in Romania and speak Swedish, Hungarian, Romanian and English. She also speaks German fluently.

 

She was in a difficult situation (still is), paying for her family in Romania, having to work here in Sweden. Paying her own rent in Sweden too. Her workplace generates a lot of stress and she cried a lot. Her mom made her cry a lot too. She had 1 free day a week and on weekends she got off a bit earlier but also started earlier. I was always there for her, supporting her and doing what I could to help out. I am studying and live in a corridor room. We live in different cities with good connection and close (15-20 min away).

 

Her guyfriend didn't give me good vibes but I accepted him because he is her friend. Although he got to intimate with her sometimes I trusted her and didn't make a argument about it. I knew she loved me. Although he was stepping up and started becoming annoying when texting and calling a bit to much. I am telling you this because of how the situation is today, you will see soon.

 

She rented her apartment to someone else because she was going to move soon and it was a great opportunity. She moved in with me in my tiny room until she was going to move. Her mom thought it was a bad idea, her mom was in Romania at this moment.

 

We lived together for about 2 months oct-dec and we didn't fight a lot and when we did it was always constructive. She has problems communicating when she is upset and becomes more silent. I have patience and always try to talk with her. She felt like she was under me, she wasn't worth me and so on. She asked me if I love her even during the time we lived together.

 

When the time came for her to move I made a mistake maybe. I wanted to test her and told her I have been with other guys. She was shocked but it seemed like she took it okay. She said stuff like "Wow now I think what I actually want from a man" and I asked her if she feels resentment towards me and she said no. It is complicated and I made a test about not having enough money next year but I would solve it so there is nothing to worry about. I have reasons why I did this but didn't tell her that it was just a test. She woke up crying the next day and when I asked her what is wrong she told me that her mom is coming and she was concerned.

 

Christmas and New Year is important for her and this last Christmas I went with my dad to Romania. We talked about this and it seemed as though we were on the same page. Her mom was also coming and I knew that we might not meet and I wanted to take the chance to meet my relatives in Romania. My dad manipulated me, because he told my mom one thing after we got back and me another thing before we went. He also didn't like her and wanted me to get with other girls, he kept nagging me even though I told him to leave me alone.

 

One week before travelling to Romania her mom was to arrive. Before this I sat down with her and we went through our pictures on the computer, we cried, I told her what a good person she is and she told me "Is this a break up because it feels like it". I slept at her place the day after and we made love. Before she told me that cheating is not that simple and I said quite abruptly that yes it is, there is nothing right with cheating. The convo ended and I did that in order to secure her that I was not going to do anything stupid in Romania.

 

Her mom arrived a couple of days afterwards. I said it would be good because she would help her unpack and be here during Christmas. We didn't meet and we talked very little on the phone. I was hurting a lot and so was she. The pattern was repeating itself.

 

She texted me "Please don't leave me". I ignored her text and texted her about the Christmas decorations that I found in my room and she bought. She came to pick them up and joined our social activity in the corridor for a short time, we sang and played guitar. Brought me watermelon in December, I love watermelon and she knows that. Again I get a bit emotional now thinking back. I walked her down to her guyfriends car and they went back to her place. It felt so great seeing her.

 

We talked on the phone before going and she said maybe it would be easier for her and for me if we ended it. I told her I don't want that but maybe if she tried with someone else it would be easier. She didn't want that. I told her that I have a stupid thought, she asked what, "Having children together". Then she replied "Does that mean that I have stupid thoughts?". I told her I feel it is just out of reach right now.

 

On Christmas she texted me, wrote "I love you" too and I didn't write it back. I didn't feel good. Once we talked she complained about me not being there, she feeling like a zombie, we also argued because she didn't have time to talk with me and that she didn't call my mom on Christmas because she was mad at her for a reason she didn't know. My mom has always helped her and been nice to her.

 

On New Year she was out partying with her guyfriend and my mom talked to her too that evening and afterwards she told me she seemed a bit drunk and there were a lot of guys around her. I trust her but alcohol can mess with you.

 

I ended it because she was coming to my place on the 6th and first we agreed on her sleeping over then she told me she will compromise with her mom and just come by and go home again afterwards. But told me she was tired when I told her I was back in Sweden on the train by text. So we didn't meet.

 

I texted her that I am not good for her right now and I want to talk because I wanted closure and some other stuff. In the beginning I wanted to cry and she told me not to cry because she is not crying. On the phone I told her she is a good person and that I still trust her. She asked me what do I mean that I still trust her. I said that I have always trusted her. I could her on her voice how she started to tear up.

 

I went to her place and ended it. I felt good for some time and then the dips came. I was nice to her and talked about being friends and so on. Then I reconsidered after getting insights and understanding. It was to late maybe. I bought her a rose on valentines day and wrote her a handwritten romantic, summarizing letter of the situation and what I want in the future and what needs to be done. Also a long text about us and a list of what we have done together that I made during the relationship.

 

We talked on the phone twice after I initiated text conversation and we mostly talked about her problems and how much she has on her head. It felt good talking with her, it was nice. She called me after some texting.

 

Her mom went back on the 21st February. My mom talked to her at her workplace once and she told my mom that she is depressed and she argued a lot with her mom.

 

Now her guyfriend moved in together with her and he is around 38 years old. She is 22 years old. I asked her out for coffee yesterday and she referred to valentines day when she said "Don't text or call me, if we meet out of coincidence then that is another thing".

 

So it feels a bit strange that it went down so fast and that she is with him now, someone that is false and two faced and insecure. Doing whatever her mom wants, driving her to work and to my place when we were together and other stuff. Maybe it is for the money, making life easier being with him, having a job and being able to support her.

 

We had plans on having children together and moving in together.

 

 

Phew this was a long one, I hope someone reads it and comments hehe

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds as though neither of you was getting much happiness from this relationship. Too much drama and too many tears. I think this new guy friend is probably more than a friend, too. Whatever her reasoning, she wants space from you now. Try to respect that.

 

But I don't understand why you felt the need to "test" her; can you explain that? Have you actually been with other men, and what was this "test" you invented about not having enough money? You say your dad manipulated you, but testing her was also manipulation on your part. What was the point?

[George90]

Yes there were many tears from her side. Her mom played a central part in her feeling bad. She knows this and I told her. She just didn't put any boundaries for her mom, almost none. I did for my parents, maybe to many I guess. I didn't feel there was a problem between us and when we were together it was great, just me and her. Also she talked with my mom once when I was present, my mom told her about how she should put boundaries and tell her mom to respect her choices in life because she is the one providing and at least she should do what makes her happy. She agreed but didn't take the step. She also quit smoking when we lived together, I mean that is not an easy decision. I didn't want to push her, I wanted her to make up her own mind, to feel free with me. I gave my opinion sometimes but never unwanted advice. And this guyfriend of hers, when she was moving in to my place he told her that he felt sorry that she had to move, he was rather intimate some times with her, last time in my room they stood in front of each other and he had his hands on her but and played with her butt cheeks and he stared into her eyes. When I slept over at her place and he was going home he told her (thought I wasn't there maybe) if there is any problems call me. I mean I trusted her so I didn't do anything wrong. Now I know better and will be more active in these kind of situations. Also the phone she borrowed from my mom I got back, everything erased but the call log. There I saw that she was talking frequently with her gudfriend 1 week before I was going away, during the time I was away and once during the night at 1-2 a.m. the day after new years eve. She texted her best girlfriend at 4-5 a.m. in the morning on 1 Janurary, I asked her to text me when she got home or call me later, she didn't. On the day of break up he was there, I met him when he came down the stairways to buy her mom a pack of cigarettes. I told her that I tolerated and accepted his extreme behavior because he was her friend and I know people that do not find his behavior normal. I just didn't want to come off as the jealous boyfriend and fight about him. Some things happened during the road and both me and her made errors.

 

 

I could have done stuff differently but that is to late now. For instance the testing part. My dad told me that she will leave me when I can't take her out anymore or when I have no money left. And no I have not been with other men. I just wanted to see her reaction and she was not the only one I did this to. One of the other people was my mom and she was really chocked so I told her quite fast it wasn't true. When she met with my gf at the time at her workplace she explained what I did to her so that is corrected anyways I hope. I am a regular blood giver so I can't have any sexual contact with men, although this didn't occur to her at the time.

 

I will respect her decision. I also believe that he will treat her in a bad way eventually. Not now in the beginning but maybe after 2-3 months. With the information I have about him I can quite confidently say that they will not match up and there will be a lot of fights. The way he looses his temper when disrespected or not being correct, or criticized will hurt her a lot and the way she reacts will provoke him even more. I never escalate but he will for sure. I am rather certain of this I only fear that he will make her pregnant and then her life is ****ed.

 

If she realizes her mistake I will give it another chance but there has to be changes, from both sides. I know were I was faulting and I have and am improving. If I find someone else before and fall in love then it is her life biggest mistake that she made the decisions she made. I know my self worth and I hope that this experience she is having now will give her more perspective on stuff.

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree that you need to examine your own behaviour too. Why on earth would you go around telling people you've been intimate with men if it's not true? Shock value? Attention? Are you interested in experimenting with men, and want to see how people react? Lying about those types of things is truly bizarre. Why do you do it?

[George90]

I wanted to see if people would distance themselves from me or not. If they would love me for the person that I am and not what gender I have been with. My dad has had a big influence on me in a bad way, I have noticed, scarring me and he has also pushed me towards and he didn't understand why I was not pursuing girls as he did in my age. Eventually I wondered if I might not be interested in girls but I really am. The topic of men being with men is topic that has some tension in it. I wanted to see how open minded she is and also make her think in another way maybe. You never know if your child will be interested in the same gender and I have thought about this already. It was a stupid thing to do. I won't do it again and I do regret it. But hey, done is done can't undo it.

 

I also remember now that she said on valentines day when I visited her at her workplace that "I didn't always show what I felt" that I relate to what she wanted and how she wanted things to be but didn't communicate enough. Also she said that everyone uses her so she doesn't feel anything (showing with her hand at her throat) from here and downwards, I said to here that I am not included in those "everyone", I told her I never used her. She only thinks and doesn't feel anything. I asked her when she stopped feeling for me and she replied with "some time after you went to Romania" then I told her "I ****ed up, I really ****ed up..." and she said "I had a part in it to". I didn't beg for another chance I just asked if we could try to fix it, get a second chance and she replied with "No I want to continue forward on my own" and I said "We can continue together" and again she said no. She doesn't want to live in the past and I said "Neither do I". I was a bit pushy and wanted to meet on the 21st when here mom was going away, yes she told me on the phone that her mom was travelling back on the 21st for some reason. She said no to that and when I asked about calls and texts she said no calls and no texts. Only if we bump into each other on the street otherwise no contact.

 

There is a lot of information and I believe she is telling the truth. Not all the truth but what she is saying is not a lie but it isn't the whole picture either.