Vixen32 Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Ok - maybe these are naive questions - but I'm a bit clueless as I'm venturing into the dating pool for the first time in about a decade. 1. How long after you've been dating someone should the dating be "exclusive"? If it's not necessarily marked by a timeline, how much interaction should you have with the individual at the transition point to exclusivity? Hanging out 2-3x/week (more/less?), kissing, making out, sex, hand holding? What are the hallmarks of dating exclusively? 2. What information should I hopefully know about the individual prior to becoming exclusive? 3. Does "exclusivity" need to be accompanied by a conversation about exclusivity, or should exclusivity be more implicit/assumed? If accompanied by a conversation, do women generally find this type of conversation a turn-off or attractive? - I can see it going either way. I realize that every situation is different, but your thoughts/opinions or hearing about your experiences would be awesome.
PegNosePete Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 1. This is a very subjective question. Personally I would not want to date someone if they are kissing, making out, hand holding or having sex with someone else the next night. Some people would have no problem doing all of the above. It's really between you and your datee to decide. Most agree that having sex with multiple people is pretty low class, though, so I wouldn't go that far until you have exclusivity. 2. Well the only prerequisite really should be "does this person want to date me exclusively". Exclusive dating is not some kind of binding contract. You can quite easily change your mind and decide to date others at any point. Just don't expect to date this person, again! 3. Depends on the woman. And the man.
No_Go Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 I'm in the same boat with my questions and concerns My current date casually called me girlfriend, and mentioned exclusivity very early on, I wonder is this a good sign. But to be honest, if he's genuine, I'm happy with that - I don't enjoy the idea to date with someone who has physical/sexual activities with other people in between our dates... The conversation itself for me is a little awkward but not a turn-off. Kissing and hand holding for me are not sufficient signs of exclusivity, but necessary (if it doesn't happen early on, it does to nowhere...) Ok - maybe these are naive questions - but I'm a bit clueless as I'm venturing into the dating pool for the first time in about a decade. 1. How long after you've been dating someone should the dating be "exclusive"? If it's not necessarily marked by a timeline, how much interaction should you have with the individual at the transition point to exclusivity? Hanging out 2-3x/week (more/less?), kissing, making out, sex, hand holding? What are the hallmarks of dating exclusively? 2. What information should I hopefully know about the individual prior to becoming exclusive? 3. Does "exclusivity" need to be accompanied by a conversation about exclusivity, or should exclusivity be more implicit/assumed? If accompanied by a conversation, do women generally find this type of conversation a turn-off or attractive? - I can see it going either way. I realize that every situation is different, but your thoughts/opinions or hearing about your experiences would be awesome.
d0nnivain Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Exclusivity is never presumed. Until somebody makes an actual promise to be faithful & date only you they are free to date as many people as they like & it's not cheating. You have the conversation when it feels right to you. Personally that will be after several dates, at least a month & before sex but that's just me. I have broken my own "rules" on the subject but because I wanted to not because somebody else pressured me into it. One rule of thumb the younger you are the longer it should take to get to sex & exclusivity. Adults know their own minds; teens need to slow down. You should know whatever you deem appropriate. Full name; D.O.B; current employment status; prior marital / dating history (but not THE #); health (drug & disease free) and maybe something about their childhood are bare minimums for me. Yours may vary.
Redhead14 Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Ok - maybe these are naive questions - but I'm a bit clueless as I'm venturing into the dating pool for the first time in about a decade. 1. How long after you've been dating someone should the dating be "exclusive"? If it's not necessarily marked by a timeline, how much interaction should you have with the individual at the transition point to exclusivity? Hanging out 2-3x/week (more/less?), kissing, making out, sex, hand holding? What are the hallmarks of dating exclusively? 2. What information should I hopefully know about the individual prior to becoming exclusive? 3. Does "exclusivity" need to be accompanied by a conversation about exclusivity, or should exclusivity be more implicit/assumed? If accompanied by a conversation, do women generally find this type of conversation a turn-off or attractive? - I can see it going either way. I realize that every situation is different, but your thoughts/opinions or hearing about your experiences would be awesome. Yes, every situation is different, what shouldn't be different is your dating goals, your approach to dating, what exclusivity means to you. It's about being clear and consistent. Yes, each situation is different but if you switch approaches according to each person you date, you'll get confused and anxious. If you subscribe to the approach of dating in stages with an end goal of being in a long-term committed relationship, you will simply be in a casual dating scenario for a couple of months or so, then you will move to the exclusivity period and then to boyfriend and girlfriend then marriage. The purpose of dating with this approach is to manage emotions/expectations as the relationship develops, and minimize the risk of being hurt or getting hurt. And, to some people, exclusivity also means that they are boyfriend/girlfriend but not so for everyone. Just make sure both of you agree. Before you get to the point of being exclusive and intimate, you should have at some point, a casual conversation about your dating goals and expectations. Not after only 2 or 3 dates, but by the 4th or 5th. You want to make sure you two are on the same page in what you want for yourselves in the long run and in general. If the man doesn't bring this up, the woman can do it in a casual way by simply stating the fact that she is looking for a long term, committed relationship and whether she is ok with pre-marital sex and/or if she would expect exclusivity at least when she is being intimate with a man. Don't specific about that man though, just a general statement. And then let him tell you what he wants for himself. Exclusivity is the point at which a couple is preparing to or have been intimate and the period of evaluating whether you want to move on to the level of boyfriend or girlfriend. It is appropriate to have a discussion regarding this before or shortly after intimacy. This is the period of time where each of you should be evaluating compatibility on a deeper level, not just sexually, but in terms of communication, etc. The woman can approach it in a very casual, non-pressuring way by saying something like "I have been enjoying the time we are spending together . . . cite somethings about the relationship so far that she likes and about him, and then say "I'd prefer to at least declare exclusivity while I'm being intimate with someone." and then let the man talk. If he's not in agreement about exclusivity and what that means, you may have to move on. If you've already been intimate, you can say "I enjoy being intimate with you and I am going to stop dating other people because we've been intimate so that I can focus on the relationship moving forward". Again, let him talk after that. If he doesn't agree with your position and says he wants to continue dating you and others, you will have to decide for yourself if you are willing to continue seeing him. If you do want to, I might suggest taking sex off the table for awhile. Don't tell him that you are doing that because he may view that as using sex as a weapon or tool of manipulation. Simply date him and don't allow for the opportunity for intimacy to happen. Simply hit the reset button, so to speak, go back to the level of just dating, not going to each other's homes, etc. It is ok for the woman to broach these subjects as long as it's casual and non-pressuring. Broaching it first doesn't in itself change the man's response or scare him off. His response will be what it is. His opinion, wants, expectations are what they are and he's not going to all of a sudden change his response simply because subject came up as long as it's not done in a pressuring way. I.e. the woman sleeps with him and says "now that we are sleeping together we're boyfriend and girlfriend, right or you're not gonna sleep with other people are you?" This will make him feel trapped or cornered, in which case, he would say he's moving on.
RBLL Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Never ever assume the other person is exclusive with you just because they offered you sex. Never.. 1
RBLL Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Good women in love are naturally exclusive. Except when they're not.
Dybbuk Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 1. Subjective, and depends on person to person. Personally (you don't have to go by my timeline), I feel that less than a month/roughly 5 dates is too soon to know if you're invested enough to be exclusive. Too long would be 2 months to figure out if you want to see me and only me. The reason I put a timeline on it is because you also want to gauge a person's level of interest. In the beginning it's all so new and exciting and of course men are making the calls and setting up dates. However there are some men who get bored, and other prospects look really good after 3 weeks of casual dating. They just seem less excited, so you want to be sure that you are both still 'excited' about each other after a month's time. Not settling for lukewarm. As far as the physical aspects go... I am ok with kissing, making out, holding hands, hugging and tame affection prior to exclusivity. Anything beyond that requires a man to commit to me first. If he's not ok with that, then we aren't compatible for a relationship. 2. Information you should know prior to exclusivity: -Dealbreaker topics. If smoking is a dealbreaker for you, figure that crap out prior to exclusivity. -Very general relationship history. I need to know if you just broke up with your ex GF of six years 4 weeks ago to avoid becoming a rebound/replacement. Also if a guy goes into a rant how his GF was a crazy b**ch who was at fault for everything in his life I can GTFO before committing to someone who obviously is still bitter. -Very general goals in life. What are their plans in life. What things do they look forward to. If a guy is saying he wants to move across the country in 6 months I'm not getting my heart broken over him. If he hates kids and doesn't want any, time to move along. -Intentions. This is a hard conversation to have without scaring a guy away, but around the 4-5 date mark you should be comfortable enough to ask "What are you looking for in another person?" Do they want a long term committed relationship, someone casual to hangout with? Make sure what they are looking for is aligning with what you want. Be wary of the "I'm not looking for anything serious, BUT what I have with you is really nice." He is making his intention known that he doesn't want to be exclusive with you, but hoping to get the perks of an exclusive relationship such as sex, your time when he wants it, and all that other stuff. 3. The conversation NEEDS to happen. Do not assume, do not read into anything unless a man says "Would you like to see only each other/exclusive/something similar and direct". I find men being direct and laying it out incredibly sexy. It's not needy, it's a man asking for what he wants and defining something between you two. Takes all the guess work out.
CalvinM Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 The last few people I've dated asked me if I wanted to be exclusive after a few dates, and the last two called me their boyfriend after a month. I'd say it depends on the person. The one I'm with wants me to meet her sister first, which isn't unusual. I'm not big on labels, so us being exclusive is good enough for me.
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