No_Go Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 I recently met a man online and so far, we seem to be compatible on many levels. We met three times so far. Somewhere in the middle of the first date he kissed me unexpectedly and the chemistry has been great ever since. On the second date he casually suggested going to his place for a drink, which I declined and he seemed to be ok with that. On the dinner after our third date he hinted that he wants us to be exclusive (said he doesn't want to see other people). Next date he wants to cook in his place. All good so far, but I am wondering how to proceed without being too rushed? Is it too early to talk about exclusivity after 3 dates? He made some sexual innuendos and I suppose we will be intimate if I go to his place (our last make out in his car went hot and heavy)... But if I want to keep him for long term, shall I slow the things down to avoid burnouts or just go with the flow? P.S. I had such a bad experiences with both rushing too much (living together after a month) and being too slow (no kiss after 6 dates) that I feel like I just can't get the right "speed" in early dating/relationships.
PegNosePete Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 You can talk about whatever you like, whenever you like. There is no "standard" time to become exclusive. Many people (myself included) believe in exclusivity from the first date whereas others are happy to date multiple people for months and months without even mentioning it. Yes it seems he certainly wants to be intimate with you. Whether you accept this offer or not is up to you. I don't think it has any relevance on the long-term potential of the relationship. It's possible he just wants to hit it and quit it, but it's also possible he wants a long term relationship. It's pretty impossible to say really. But I will say, pressuring a woman into sex is a good way to scare her off. He doesn't seem to bothered about whether he scares you off or not. Which suggests he isn't in it for the long term. It's just a suggestion though, could be totally wrong. Talk to him about it. Certainly I would not be intimate without exclusivity. 1
katiegrl Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 You "suppose" you will be intimate if you go back to his place on your next date? Are YOU ready for that? Just because he asked for exclusivity, that does NOT mean you are now obligated to have sex with him. If it were me, I wouldn't trust him. He is too pushy and it's very obvious what he *really* wants..and it's NOT exclusivity. 1
Author No_Go Posted March 19, 2015 Author Posted March 19, 2015 Yeah, it is a little too much how obvious he "wants it" from the start. But on the other side, after the third date he didn't insist on "going home" with me, i.e. he informally agreed to slow down a bit. I'm curious how this forth date will go, but probably I'll just try to talk to him before that so we're on the same page at very least... Btw he's in his late thirties and seems like he is ready to have a long term partner (not sure if I am the one that he is looking for that though ) You can talk about whatever you like, whenever you like. There is no "standard" time to become exclusive. Many people (myself included) believe in exclusivity from the first date whereas others are happy to date multiple people for months and months without even mentioning it. Yes it seems he certainly wants to be intimate with you. Whether you accept this offer or not is up to you. I don't think it has any relevance on the long-term potential of the relationship. It's possible he just wants to hit it and quit it, but it's also possible he wants a long term relationship. It's pretty impossible to say really. But I will say, pressuring a woman into sex is a good way to scare her off. He doesn't seem to bothered about whether he scares you off or not. Which suggests he isn't in it for the long term. It's just a suggestion though, could be totally wrong. Talk to him about it. Certainly I would not be intimate without exclusivity.
EgoJoe Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Text him some questions about this past relationships and then post his answers here. We need more data.
Author No_Go Posted March 19, 2015 Author Posted March 19, 2015 Um, even for me is hard to keep it only to make outs, that's why I said I suppose it will happen if we're in a private location (his home). But how to "test" if this is all that he wants (I mean nothing bad if he wants sex if this is not the sole goal of him..)? You "suppose" you will be intimate if you go back to his place on your next date? Are YOU ready for that? Just because he asked for exclusivity, that does NOT mean you are now obligated to have sex with him. If it were me, I wouldn't trust him. He is too pushy and it's very obvious what he *really* wants..and it's NOT exclusivity.
katiegrl Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 You "suppose" you will be intimate if you go back to his place on your next date? Are YOU ready for that? Just because he asked for exclusivity, that does NOT mean you are now obligated to have sex with him. If it were me, I wouldn't trust him. He is too pushy and it's very obvious what he *really* wants..and it's NOT exclusivity. ^^To add....I don't trust guys who make sexual comments and innuendos on the first couple of dates. I am NOT a prude (hardly!) ....but it suggests to me that his goal is sex, and not getting to know me.. Just me. Do whatever YOU are comfortable with, but never feel pressured or obligated to have sex... again, just because he wants to be exclusive, doesn't mean you should feel obligated to have sex... Spend more time with him, get to know him and have him get to know you. A guy who is interested in developing a relationship with you will want that too!! 3
d0nnivain Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 IMO 3 dates is too early to be intimate or talk about exclusivity. Especially if his flirting is that obvious, slow down or he's going to be gone once he gets what he wants. A man who makes sex related jokes is going to freak & bail or lie if you talk about exclusivity after only 3 dates. That said, if you are confident in your choices & you want to have sex or the talk, do it whenever. To me about the farthest, deepest long term planning I'd be doing with a man I'd been on 3 dates with as of today was whether I was going to get him a chocolate rabbit & some jelly beans for Easter. Sex & exclusivity wouldn't be on my radar until at least early May. Whatever you do, do not try to have an important conversation like this or even a get to know you exchange via text.
Carm Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 ^^To add....I don't trust guys who make sexual comments and innuendos on the first couple of dates. I am NOT a prude (hardly!) ....but it suggests to me that his goal is sex, and not getting to know me.. Just me. Do whatever YOU are comfortable with, but never feel pressured or obligated to have sex... again, just because he wants to be exclusive, doesn't mean you should feel obligated to have sex... Spend more time with him, get to know him and have him get to know you. A guy who is interested in developing a relationship with you will want that too!! I'm in total agreement with the above. I've been out with these guys before and I'm not comfortable with this pressure. My current bf was a gentlemen from the get go, no hinting anything sexual. Once we started kissing the chemistry was off the charts.
d0nnivain Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Um, even for me is hard to keep it only to make outs, that's why I said I suppose it will happen if we're in a private location (his home). But how to "test" if this is all that he wants (I mean nothing bad if he wants sex if this is not the sole goal of him..)? Then don't go to a private location early on in your dating. I make it a point never to be truly alone with a man I'm not wiling to sleep with.
fitnessfan365 Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 (edited) Since he wanted to have you at his place after date two, and then brings up being "exclusive" shortly after, it sounds like a ploy to get in your pants. I mean think about it realistically. Exclusive after three dates is REALLY fast. Saying you want to be exclusive with someone means that you've actually gotten to know them a bit and think they could compliment your life. You don't know enough about each other yet. Becoming exclusive after 2-3 months is a lot more realistic. ^^To add....I don't trust guys who make sexual comments and innuendos on the first couple of dates. I am NOT a prude (hardly!) ....but it suggests to me that his goal is sex, and not getting to know me.. Just me. Do whatever YOU are comfortable with, but never feel pressured or obligated to have sex... again, just because he wants to be exclusive, doesn't mean you should feel obligated to have sex... Spend more time with him, get to know him and have him get to know you. A guy who is interested in developing a relationship with you will want that too!! Not necessarily Katie. Just because a guy makes playful innuendos, doesn't mean his goal is sex only. It just means that he's a guy with confidence. Instead, judge a guy based on his actions and his date planning. I'm very flirtatious and take pride in being witty. So every so often I'll drop innuendos and get a woman to laugh/blush. But for the first month, I keep all the dates in public and don't even bring up actual sex. I'm just a firm believer that sexual tension is a key ingredient in sexual attraction. If she's a woman I could see being my lover, that's how I act from the start while also being respectful and a gentleman. After all gentleman does end in man doesn't it? Edited March 19, 2015 by fitnessfan365 1
Redhead14 Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 I recently met a man online and so far, we seem to be compatible on many levels. We met three times so far. Somewhere in the middle of the first date he kissed me unexpectedly and the chemistry has been great ever since. On the second date he casually suggested going to his place for a drink, which I declined and he seemed to be ok with that. On the dinner after our third date he hinted that he wants us to be exclusive (said he doesn't want to see other people). Next date he wants to cook in his place. All good so far, but I am wondering how to proceed without being too rushed? Is it too early to talk about exclusivity after 3 dates? He made some sexual innuendos and I suppose we will be intimate if I go to his place (our last make out in his car went hot and heavy)... But if I want to keep him for long term, shall I slow the things down to avoid burnouts or just go with the flow? P.S. I had such a bad experiences with both rushing too much (living together after a month) and being too slow (no kiss after 6 dates) that I feel like I just can't get the right "speed" in early dating/relationships. That's easy, don't let him rush you. It is too soon to be declaring exclusivity and too soon to be having dinner at his home. At 2 to 3 months, it wouldn't be unreasonable to ask for exclusivity and you are preparing to become or have been intimate. Before you get to that point though, say at the 4th or 5th date, you should have a very casual discussion about what you are looking for for yourself out of your dating experiences. Simply make a general statement that says you are looking for a long term, committed relationship for yourself with someone and let him talk. Just to make sure you are on the same page in terms of the end goal. If you want to keep him for the long-term, you may find out that he doesn't want a long term relationship and so that goal with him is moot. You shouldn't even be thinking long-term with him anyway yet. Don't accept a date at his home yet especially since he's intimating that he will expect to be sexual. If he pressures you about it, you can simply say that you are uncomfortable about creating the opportunity to exist for becoming sexual and that it's too soon for you to do that. If he respects that and is willing to wait, that's a good thing. If you do decide to go to his home and do become intimate, it's not too soon to declare exclusivity though. But, the truth is, he may tell you he wants exclusivity because he wants sex and then not live up to it. That's why it would be wise for you to get to know him a little better to determine whether you can trust him.
mr_dave Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Exclusive after three dates is REALLY fast. Is it really that much of a stretch to just date one person at a time? I'm a one at a time kind of guy, and paying for dates doesn't bother me. However, would I go for 2-3 months of solid dating, taking her out for meals, drinks etc. whilst she's seeing/sleeping with other guys? No way.. I've been on three dates with a woman recently, and have a fourth lined up. We've been kissing, maybe in a few more dates things will lead to the bedroom, maybe they won't - I'm not pushing for it.. However, there's absolutely no way in hell I'd sleep with her, and go downtown on her etc, whilst she's still possibly dating and sleeping with other guys. So the exclusivity talk for me, assuming we carry on dating, will be around the one month mark, and definitely before sex. To the OP, do whatever you feel comfortable with, if you want to sleep with him, but only when exclusivity has been established, then wait a while to see what his intentions are.
fitnessfan365 Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Is it really that much of a stretch to just date one person at a time? I'm a one at a time kind of guy, and paying for dates doesn't bother me. However, would I go for 2-3 months of solid dating, taking her out for meals, drinks etc. whilst she's seeing/sleeping with other guys? No way.. I've been on three dates with a woman recently, and have a fourth lined up. We've been kissing, maybe in a few more dates things will lead to the bedroom, maybe they won't - I'm not pushing for it.. However, there's absolutely no way in hell I'd sleep with her, and go downtown on her etc, whilst she's still possibly dating and sleeping with other guys. So the exclusivity talk for me, assuming we carry on dating, will be around the one month mark, and definitely before sex. To the OP, do whatever you feel comfortable with, if you want to sleep with him, but only when exclusivity has been established, then tell him that. In the beginning, I usually see a woman once a week. During that time, I'm also dating other women. Right now, I'm dating four. But I only have sex with one woman at a time because I am very big on monogamy. So I like waiting at least six weeks to have actual sex and I keep all dates in public. This gives me a chance to get to know all of them so I can make an informed decision on who I eventually decide to focus on.
katiegrl Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Since he wanted to have you at his place after date two, and then brings up being "exclusive" shortly after, it sounds like a ploy to get in your pants. I mean think about it realistically. Exclusive after three dates is REALLY fast. Saying you want to be exclusive with someone means that you've actually gotten to know them a bit and think they could compliment your life. You don't know enough about each other yet. Becoming exclusive after 2-3 months is a lot more realistic. Not necessarily Katie. Just because a guy makes playful innuendos, doesn't mean his goal is sex only. It just means that he's a guy with confidence. Instead, judge a guy based on his actions and his date planning. I'm very flirtatious and take pride in being witty. So every so often I'll drop innuendos and get a woman to laugh/blush. But for the first month, I keep all the dates in public and don't even bring up actual sex. I'm just a firm believer that sexual tension is a key ingredient in sexual attraction. If she's a woman I could see being my lover, that's how I act from the start while also being respectful and a gentleman. After all gentleman does end in man doesn't it? Your last paragraph... +1000.... That's the difference between you and the OP's guy. Keeping the dates in public rather than "suggesting" they take it back to his place on the second date. What I should have said was .. .I don't trust guys who suggest going back to his place on the first few dates, and who make sexual innuendos on those early dates. Those two things combined = untrustworthy. IMO. Thanks for calling me on that!
fitnessfan365 Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Your last paragraph... +1000.... That's the difference between you and the OP's guy. Keeping the dates in public rather than "suggesting" they take it back to his place on the second date. What I should have said was .. .I don't trust guys who suggest going back to his place on the first few dates, and who make sexual innuendos on those early dates. Those two things combined = untrustworthy. IMO. Thanks for calling me on that! It's funny because women are so used to guys that want to get in their pants on dates 1-3, that I confuse them. On one hand, I elude sexuality, am aggressive, flirtatious, etc.. Yet, I keep planning dates in public. This lets them know that I wear the sexual pants,, not them. It's all about sexual psychology and having self control to build a submissive mindset in the woman you're eventually going to have sex with. Then by the time I've decided to focus on one woman and the sex happens, she wants it so badly, she's pretty much mine after that first night.
Versacehottie Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Since he wanted to have you at his place after date two, and then brings up being "exclusive" shortly after, it sounds like a ploy to get in your pants. I mean think about it realistically. Exclusive after three dates is REALLY fast. Saying you want to be exclusive with someone means that you've actually gotten to know them a bit and think they could compliment your life. You don't know enough about each other yet. Becoming exclusive after 2-3 months is a lot more realistic. yes^^^ i'm going to go out on a limb and generalize here to say that usually the kind of guy that is making sexual innuendos and trying to get you back to his place is NOT the same guy who is also saying he wants to be exclusive so early. Two different types of dating guys here. Something doesn't really add up. I think it's perfectly fine to test his real intentions here. Do another date or more in public, heavy make-out sessions are fine. If he has long term intentions, he will be ok with this because he sees you as an entire person and wants to keep getting to know you and impress you. If he doesn't he will disappear. Definitely keep the lines of communication open too.
Author No_Go Posted March 19, 2015 Author Posted March 19, 2015 Yeah, that is what confuses me a little. But again, after the go-to-his-place suggestion on the second date, he just took me home on the third date (btw since we start making out and holding hands from practically the start, this part feels very "natural") He is also testing the waters visibly, e.g. (quite obvious for me) looks for reaction when he pulls me closer to him or how I respond to touch. Another thing to add, he made a lot of effort to taylor the dates so far according to what I told him my interests are, and acts like a gentelman (opens doors etc)... So I don't want to give up on him yet. Be cautious - yes. In my book wanting to be intimate with me is not a bad thing if he seeks consent, the other end of the spectrum is also very frustrating. I just don't want to be only a sex toy. Especially that I feel he's compatible in general (energy, style etc) yes^^^ i'm going to go out on a limb and generalize here to say that usually the kind of guy that is making sexual innuendos and trying to get you back to his place is NOT the same guy who is also saying he wants to be exclusive so early. Two different types of dating guys here. Something doesn't really add up. I think it's perfectly fine to test his real intentions here. Do another date or more in public, heavy make-out sessions are fine. If he has long term intentions, he will be ok with this because he sees you as an entire person and wants to keep getting to know you and impress you. If he doesn't he will disappear. Definitely keep the lines of communication open too.
Versacehottie Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 yeah it is a little confusing so that's why you have to protect yourself. Just keep in mind that things usually change after you have slept with a guy. Obviously, women want to do these things as much as guys do, we just don't want to be dropped afterward. Sometimes we have to do things to be the protector of the relationship, ie it will benefit the relationship the most, if you guys have clear expectations by time you get to each stage--sleeping together being a big one. A guy that is thinking long term is more worried that you will think badly of him or that he's a dog if he pushes too hard. Both good guys and not-so good guys want to get physical. That in itself is not the bad thing. But how he reacts if you want to take it slower is the sign you are looking for. That's why I say do the test. Technically he has already done what to look for: saying he wants to be exclusive. I think though it's a little odd to throw an exclusivity thing out there as soon as he did. To me, I would be super cautious about these sorts of guys. Especially since I don't think you would be posting here if you didn't have concerns. But hey I know enough people that jumped right in emotionally and physically to know it is possible. If I were in your shoes though, I would err on side of caution. A discussion anyway will be telling to see what sort of future you could have together. How a couple communicates and compromises is vital.
Author No_Go Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 Well, happened, the only thing that changed is the frequency of the dates (we decided seeing each other daily... and surprisingly turned back to public activities). Despite that I am still not totally off guard with him for another reasons, it seems that we will be exclusive and I am very happy around him.. yeah it is a little confusing so that's why you have to protect yourself. Just keep in mind that things usually change after you have slept with a guy. Obviously, women want to do these things as much as guys do, we just don't want to be dropped afterward. Sometimes we have to do things to be the protector of the relationship, ie it will benefit the relationship the most, if you guys have clear expectations by time you get to each stage--sleeping together being a big one. A guy that is thinking long term is more worried that you will think badly of him or that he's a dog if he pushes too hard. Both good guys and not-so good guys want to get physical. That in itself is not the bad thing. But how he reacts if you want to take it slower is the sign you are looking for. That's why I say do the test. Technically he has already done what to look for: saying he wants to be exclusive. I think though it's a little odd to throw an exclusivity thing out there as soon as he did. To me, I would be super cautious about these sorts of guys. Especially since I don't think you would be posting here if you didn't have concerns. But hey I know enough people that jumped right in emotionally and physically to know it is possible. If I were in your shoes though, I would err on side of caution. A discussion anyway will be telling to see what sort of future you could have together. How a couple communicates and compromises is vital. 1
BluEyeL Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 When I was invited at a man's place too early, I said I'm really looking forward for that to happen, but I'm not yet ready to visit his place. I suggest we do X instead. It would be good if you used the same idea and keep the next several dates in public. If he bails, you know that he was just after sex.
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