For Cheating Men: Why keep other women "on the side"?

March 19, 2015

I've been dating a man for two years now--we've dated, broken up, been engaged, broken up, lived together, moved out, etc.. So, we've not had the most solid relationship from the start.

I, however, think I have been pretty solid. The times we've broken up, it's generally my doing, but not because I'm a flake. Rather, two years ago, he had just gotten divorced from his second wife and was seeing a multitude of women--I was one of them. I understood that he needed to have some fun, having been married for so long, but he kept lying to me, telling me I was the only one, he wanted to marry me, me to move in, etc.. I believed it until I found out about the other women, so I left.

Two days later, he was on a trip we had planned with one of the other women (an old ex-girlfriend of his from years ago) and he dated her for about four months, until that fell through and then he came back to me.

We dated pretty solid after that for roughly 9 months (were living together and engaged), with a few hiccups between the both of us. But, again, any time I left it was because I found out he was flirting/talking to other women and I usually came back within a day or two.

That said, during that time, he had me all over his facebook, had his status set to "engaged," had removed all the ex-girlfriends--none of which I asked him to do. He just did it.

So, we had a huge fight a little over a month ago and he kicked me out during the worst snowstorm in my state's history. My step-father was the only person with an SUV whom I knew could come get me, so he picked me up, I went home and decided I was finally fully, 100% done. I deleted the ex from facebook, changed my status, told him that we were done and that was it.

Well, we had another trip planned that was coming up in two weeks. I felt like I had made a mistake and contacted him--not to go on the trip, but just to see whether we could try again. He said he was busy with work (which he was) and was going on the trip alone. He said we could talk after the trip. So, he goes on the trip, meets up with an "old buddy," and then emails me the Sunday on his way back, saying every beautiful thing imaginable.

So, I go back after three weeks of being apart. That was now two weeks ago. We've been great. Everything has been wonderful.

BUT

He has never added me back on facebook. I checked his facebook and he has every old girlfriend under the sun added back and he still has his status listed as "single." That said, my pictures, and our pictures together are still all over it and public.

What's worse: because I have trust issues related to our past (and HIS past), I look through his phone. (I know. I know. It's an invasion of privacy and I shouldn't have done it, but I did and it's already done. He could go through my phone, but I have nothing to hide.) Anyway, I look through his phone and see he has another old girlfriend from 15 years ago in his phone as "Jack," instead of her real name and has been texting her and emailing her. Not as much since I've been back, but still.

So, long story short, he initiated contact with her and asked her to go on the trip, but she has a significant other and kids. He was telling her how he needed a date for the trip, that he thinks back on the things he should have done differently with her, that I was just too young and crazy, for no reason. (Note that that conversation was after we had broken up and before I came back. So, I'm not particularly concerned with that aspect, though it's upsetting that I had been gone four days and he's already trying to get someone else to go with him on our trip.)

However, last week, when we WERE in fact back together, he messaged her and said that she was the best looking grandmother he's ever seen (that day her grandchild was born and he either saw it on facebook or she sent him a picture).

Then she responds back and says, "Are you back from Florida yet? I'm so jealous. ;-)" And he responded, "Yes. More trips to come."

What the hell?

Okay, so the first question:

(1) How upset by all of this should I be? I mean, we weren't together when he contacted her. He's making future plans with me, has me back in his house, etc.. And she's with somebody else. So, is this just light flirtation, or something I should be concerned with?

(2) It's obvious from my own experiences with him and from the past stories he's told me that he always has another woman in the wings. At least, with his first marriage he did--he left his wife for one of the OW and ended up marrying her. And in his relationships before that he did the same thing--had multiple girlfriends in high school, college, etc. who didn't know about one another and the last one standing was the one he would ultimately be with. I don't know whether he ever cheated on his second wife, but he definitely kept in contact with exes, from the stories I've gathered. And then everything he has done with me and with both of the ex-girlfriends I've mentioned.

"Jack," for example, is another woman he had an affair with when he was with his first wife.

So, finally to the question: is he just always going to need someone on the side? If so, why? What kind of pathology is required to be constantly in contact with other women and keeping them strung along while he's in a "relationship" with someone else?

I just don't get it. It seems like an awful lot of work and with no real benefit, except driving people crazy...please, anyone, share some insights with me. Cause this $h!t is driving me crazy.

March 19, 2015

Someone else will come along with a perhaps more comprehensive answer but I'll boil it down:

Power.

March 19, 2015

He's doing it because he can. Remember that old saying "a man is only as faithful as his options"? Obviously this guy lives by it. Stop wasting your time and get rid of him, he's broken goods.

March 19, 2015

Yes he will always have other women in the wings because "He's got it that way". The question you need to be asking is WHY DO YOU CONTINUE TO GO BACK WITH A CHEATER WHO TREATS YOU LIKE DIRT? You think what he tells you is special but he is telling all the others the same thing. It's a script to him. You need to gather your self respect and self esteem and move on to someone who respects you. This man has no respect whatsoever for you.

March 19, 2015

So, you think that cuz he's "engaged/committed" to this chick that she's gonna get all the goodies?

I think the question of this thread needs some correcting, cuz "why" he keeps on seeing "you" doesn't matter.

"You" are not special to him. "The fiance" is not special to him. "NO" woman is special to him.

He will always have a harem of women.

And doesn't mean he's like Romeo here. Ugly, fat, undesirable, people cheat and/or sleep around too.

Reminds me of a friend of a friend. She dated a guy when he was married. While he was married he was cheating with her AND other women. She pushed him to leave his wife, cuz in her Krazy eyes - the wife was the problem.

Well, he divorced the wife, married her and kept on cheating - to include seeing his ex wife.

All she does is fight with him. Endless Jerry Springer drama.

March 19, 2015

Well, to answer the question as to "why" I keep staying with him: he was the first guy I had ever been with in any respect. I love him. I love his kids. I love his mom. I love "us." I love the work we do together. The trips we go on. The house we live in. The idea of a future with him.

I mean, I love this man. That's why I stay. I hope that he can eventually find in me everything that he wants/needs and he won't have to look elsewhere. Maybe all of the back and forth has gotten him worried that we won't work, so he needs to have another woman to talk to, just in case?

I don't know. I know he doesn't respect me, but, at this point, I don't know how to respect myself enough to leave the only man I've ever been with or loved.

March 19, 2015

He has proved to you over and over again, he is just not interested in monogamy, never was.

You are just part of his harem, you knew that from day one and I guess you thought you were "the one", the one to tame him into domesticity and monogamy.

BUT, it never really happened, did it?

SO, you either have to accept that fact about him and live with it, or you move on.

As his way of life with the ladies, seems to be upsetting you, I suggest you move on, that leopard ain't ever goin' to change his spots.

March 19, 2015

He got issues ,I can KINDA understand if he slipped once or twice during the course o f a past relationship but to have a side chick or ..eek !multiple side chicks is defently an Ego thing correlated to inner insecurities and self worth. Basically he's damaged.

March 19, 2015

Well, to answer the question as to "why" I keep staying with him: he was the first guy I had ever been with in any respect. I love him. I love his kids. I love his mom. I love "us." I love the work we do together. The trips we go on. The house we live in. The idea of a future with him.

I mean, I love this man. That's why I stay. I hope that he can eventually find in me everything that he wants/needs and he won't have to look elsewhere. Maybe all of the back and forth has gotten him worried that we won't work, so he needs to have another woman to talk to, just in case?

I don't know. I know he doesn't respect me, but, at this point, I don't know how to respect myself enough to leave the only man I've ever been with or loved.

You are not the first woman who has had a "first love". We all have. That is not a good reason to stay with someone who doesn't respect you. If you don't think you deserve better and you don't demand better you will never get it. I can tell you that women like you who hang on to an abusive relationship, whether physical or mental, end up aging fast because of their pain. Of course that just leads to more cheating from the abusive man.

March 19, 2015

Oh. My. God.

I'm exhausted just reading your post never mind living it! Your handle "Storm Chaser" seems quite fitting by the way.

All I have to say to you is this; we teach people how to treat us.

YOU have allowed this sh*t storm to come and go in your life like a revolving door.

Any self respecting human being can see that this will NEVER become the happily-ever-after you're desperately hoping it will.

Edited March 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Editorial comments redacted

March 19, 2015

Oh. My. God.

I'm exhausted just reading your post never mind living it! Your handle "Storm Chaser" seems quite fitting by the way.

All I have to say to you is this; we teach people how to treat us.

YOU have allowed this sh*t storm to come and go in your life like a revolving door.

Any self respecting human being can see that this will NEVER become the happily-ever-after you're desperately hoping it will.

.

Wow. While I appreciate your candor, Michelle, that was a little harsh. He's the first man I've ever been with and I agreed to marry him.

Yeah, maybe I'm foolish for wanting to believe in him, but I think everyone is a little foolish the first time around in love, right? I mean, I'm not some idiotic anomaly, I don't think?

I'm not worried about my pathologies at this point--I'm sure they are many.

Edited March 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited quote and response thereto

March 19, 2015

I think michelle told you what yo needed to hear. Sometimes when we "frame" something a certain way, you can get the message across (i.e. the saying "putting lipstick on a pig").

What I don't get about you and others is how you attach the world "love" to justify what you are doing.

This is not "love". It is "neediness", "desperation", "lust", "low-self worth".

People just default to the word "love" so it can excuse all the stupid stuff they do.

March 19, 2015

Your friendly moderator weighing in here to remind members of two things: First, focus on the topic. Second, refrain from making editorial remarks about fellow members. This respects the vision of the owner of this forum as well as preserves your posting privileges. Thanks!

To boil it down for those amongst the membership who believe in tough love, your love may be tough and it may be right but if it contravenes our guidelines you will be gone. Clear?

March 19, 2015

Wow. While I appreciate your candor, Michelle, that was a little harsh. He's the first man I've ever been with and I agreed to marry him.

Yeah, maybe I'm foolish for wanting to believe in him, but I think everyone is a little foolish the first time around in love, right? I mean, I'm not some idiotic anomaly, I don't think?

I'm not worried about my pathologies at this point--I'm sure they are many. I'm trying to understand his and while, "He's a pig," is helpful in an ad hominem sort of way, it's not really helping me to understand the "why" that I'm inquiring about.

It doesn't matter WHY. Don't you get it? He won't change for you or for any woman. You're not the first woman to think they can fix or change a man or make them become a better person. We've ALL been here at one time or another and it's a flawed way of thinking.

What will knowing the WHY do for you? How will YOU change as a result? How do you think HE will change knowing you now know the WHY?

It's a pointless endeavor unless you're kicking him to the curb and trying to ensure that you'll never end up with another man like this again.

Edited March 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Editorial commentary redacted

March 19, 2015

from what I gather ( and not from experience )

is that out of the 3 week(s), it cool and no. problem(s). but there is that week.

at where that thing does like a 180 on a person ( not saying it ), at where you don't want to be in that same state ( because of war is brewing over the horizon ) ....

that is why I think, that they would have someone one the side(s) being unhappy w/ just one person ...

March 19, 2015

Wow. While I appreciate your candor, Michelle, that was a little harsh. He's the first man I've ever been with and I agreed to marry him.

Yeah, maybe I'm foolish for wanting to believe in him, but I think everyone is a little foolish the first time around in love, right? I mean, I'm not some idiotic anomaly, I don't think?

I'm not worried about my pathologies at this point--I'm sure they are many.

Your letting your heart guide your brain, you need to let your brain guide your heart. You can say you love this guy all you want. When it comes down to it he does not care about you to the same extent. You will always be more invested in him then he will in you that's just the nature of it.

Edited March 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

March 19, 2015

You know what my fears are ? That you re going to waste precious years of your life trying to make sure he doesn't cheat ,to get some sort of validation from him that you re special enough for him ,that he ll give up on the rest ,but this is not about you . He needs women attention to feed his ego ,to boost his sense of self .he even kicked you out during a storm on top of chatting up his ex,these things won't magically disappear if you ll get married ,they will become worse and you ll end up suffering ,why put yourself through that pain ,without even considering the risk of contracting STD s.You guys haven't been together that long there s still time to move on.just think about his actions

Edited March 19, 2015 by JohnsonBaby

March 19, 2015

Why would you want a man who is using another woman for money (yuck), a swindler, treats you like left overs, not once, not twice, but on a consistent basis? He has never been faithful to you or fully engaged or attentive.

I think using first love is an excuse, as if it excuses all his and your behavior, and sweeps it under the rug. In effect, you do not have to examine yourself and the reasons you feel this the best you can do in life.

There is no shield keeping this man from being with you on a loving consistent basis. He has chosen not to.

Where is your self esteem? It is there, somewhere, you need to dig deep and find it. This is unhealthy and is not going to end happily, ever.

March 19, 2015

Life is not a big fairy story where our first love is "the one" and that we all live happily ever after, because we love each other so much and love conquers all.

Unfortunately there are nasty men out there who will use the young and naive for their own purposes and who will promise them anything, just to protect their supply of sex.

As soon as he threw you out, he immediately tried to substitute you for another woman, to take on the trip. Goodness knows who he hooked up with while he was away and then he turned back to you to make sure his supply didn't dry up when he got home. True love??

Wake up, get out of this situation whilst you can, before you have babies to complicate the situation and you spend your time with 3 kids in a 1 bed apartment with no money whilst he refuses to pay any child support and is too busy to come and see you apart from the odd f*ck when he is at a loose end.

March 19, 2015

People do what they do because of who they are.

It works the other way too.

People become what they do.

March 20, 2015

Well, to answer the question as to "why" I keep staying with him: he was the first guy I had ever been with in any respect. I love him. I love his kids. I love his mom. I love "us." I love the work we do together. The trips we go on. The house we live in. The idea of a future with him.

I mean, I love this man. That's why I stay. I hope that he can eventually find in me everything that he wants/needs and he won't have to look elsewhere. Maybe all of the back and forth has gotten him worried that we won't work, so he needs to have another woman to talk to, just in case?

I don't know. I know he doesn't respect me, but, at this point, I don't know how to respect myself enough to leave the only man I've ever been with or loved.

Love without respect is an oxymoron. Doesn't work.

Yes he will always have other women in the wings because "He's got it that way". The question you need to be asking is WHY DO YOU CONTINUE TO GO BACK WITH A CHEATER WHO TREATS YOU LIKE DIRT? You think what he tells you is special but he is telling all the others the same thing. It's a script to him. You need to gather your self respect and self esteem and move on to someone who respects you. This man has no respect whatsoever for you.

Ding, Ding. This has nothing to do with the cheating man, but everything to do with why you're staying. The title should be "Why am I staying with a man I know is cheating on me?"

He's doing it because he can. Remember that old saying "a man is only as faithful as his options"? Obviously this guy lives by it. Stop wasting your time and get rid of him, he's broken goods.

Yep.

March 20, 2015

Spending your time, energies, and emotions on trying to change him will keep you in a very frustrated, confused place.

You would do much better to focus on changing your self. You asked the question, why do I keep going back to him? That's a question you can answer if you decide you really want to know.

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