Garmonbozia38 Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 First off, I just want to say that I am glad there are avenues like this. Where else can someone come at some ungodly hours of the night and share their personal experiences, whether they are good, bad, or indifferent. I am a firm believer in paying it forward, so I hope that I can be a source of strength for someone else once I recover more myself. Right now, everything is so raw. Rather than continue down the self destructive path, I figured I had a few options. I could seek counseling, I could self medicate, I could find someone to confide in, or I could go extreme and end my own life. These are all thoughts I had. So here's my story. Even if nobody responds or can relate, I am hanging on to hope that putting it down will begin the process of recovery. I've known "Jane" for a little over 18 months. We "met" in a very non traditional way. I had just gotten fired from a job. I was living at home. I was living in a small town where good work was scarce. I had a lot of idle time. I became utterly obsessed with Netflix's Orange is the New Black. I became so obsessed that I wondered what it would be like to communicate with an inmate. This is a thought that never had crossed my mind prior. I was concerned about safety for family, so I opened up a P.O Box even though deep down I knew if someone wanted to hunt me down, they probably would be able to find me. It was a safe guard for me. It made me feel like I was providing an extra layer to protect my family. It soon became a hobby. At the time, I didn't think I had anything of value to contribute (not having first hand experience of that lifestyle) but I soon let go of my insecurities, and amazingly I was able to manage 15 or so "friendships" which I believed was therapeutic for both parties. I was at the point where I didn't think I could manage anymore communications, but something piqued my interest in Jane. I put it on the back burner, unsure if I could handle anymore "friendships" Certain prisons have online email like programs and you can add individual's as long as you know their DOC number and the state they are incarcerated in. So I did that for Jane and had forgotten all about it. Apparently, through their kiosk, they can tell when someone adds them. I guess its similar to a Facebook friend request. We graduated from electronic communication to snail mail. Out of all the correspondence I received at the time, Jane was most active. It became a joy to go to the mailbox everyday. My family was very adamant about me carrying any type of relationships with prisoners, and I disregarded it. What first began as something platonic graduated to something else. I am not sure exactly what the tipping point was. I can assure you I was not looking for anything. It just happened. I had been burned so many times in the past that I believed nothing good was ever going to happen to me. I started to believe that I was not worthy of love or happiness. Within a few months we started telling each other "I love you." which is an alien concept for me. I was introduced to the family and welcomed with open arms. I had communications with her children via text message and the phone. I found out that she was serving a 15 year sentence but was eligible for parole after serving 1/3 of the sentence, and we happened to have "met" right at the 4 year cusp so there was possibility for an early release pending the parole board accepting it. We graduated to the phone and video visits. It was intermittent because at the time I still didn't have any steady income coming in, so I tried to stay within my means. By February of 2014, we had met for the first time and sparks flew. It was so intense that I couldn't believe it was possible to feel anything after being emotionally numb for so many years. It was very taxing on my body because of the drive, but I would make the trip about once a month after that. In the summer of 2014, she was due for parole and denied and I tried to be as supportive as possible. Normally this would mean the next opportunity would be 12 months down the road. However, there was time for "good behavior" so it expedited things and by October 2014, she was released. She moved in with family and I continued to maintain this long distance relationship, something I have always been dead set against. We talked every single day, a minimum of two times, and occasionally more. She was not allowed to leave the state upon initial release, so again, the burden fell on me, but I was determined to make this work. For the first time in my life, I believed I was going to make it work. No matter what happened, we would be able to talk things out. In the span of 18 months, we didn't have one disagreement, which seemed odd, but I knew that wouldn't last forever. We continued to do mushy stuff like send Anniversary cards every single month we knew each other and little gifts. One day I was at work and I sent a message which went unanswered. I didn't give it much thought because we all get busy from time to time and it wasn't that cathartic that it warranted a response. Our typical daily calls fell on the wayside, and I was a bit concerned, but I didn't take any initiative to find out what was going on. Part of me was scared to know and the other part figured I would find out in due time. About a day later, I received a message informing me that she was extremely depressed and didn't know the source of the depression, but she appeared sincere and told me that she didn't feel like talking on the phone. A void soon filled my life because I am a creature of habit and that was something that I had looked fwd to based on the nature of our relationship, but I tried to be supportive as possible. In times like these, there never is any right thing to say, but I feel that it's important to let that person know that you care and that if they need anything, do not hesitate to ask. The days rolled on and the situation did not improve. On top of that, she wasn't seeking any help. I guess she thought it would just magically go away. I found myself angry and upset. Not so much towards her, but the disease of depression and how crippling it is. Having gone through several bouts myself I know how cunning and powerful it is, but I never saw it grab a hold of anyone as hard as it did Jane. Most people bounce out in 2-3 days but we were coming up on a week. I used work and unfortunately alcohol to numb myself out from the pain. I knew it wasn't anything personal but I was devastated on how it affected me. I couldn't tell anyone what was going on because I am very mistrusting by nature and I did not want anyone to know my business. One week lead into two weeks. I was still drinking. It became a daily ritual. We would talk via text and phone in little spurts and it got to a point that minimal contact was worse than no contact at all. Again, I tried to be the good boyfriend. Sending encouraging messages, cards, flowers, gifts, etc.. Anything to brighten the mood. Everything was appreciated and acknowledged but nothing was changing except I was getting worse emotionally myself. A few days ago, I finally had to put on my big boy boxers and tell her I needed a break. It was my passive aggressive way of saying that "its over." I figured she wasn't going to take the initiative herself, so I had to jump start it. She has always been apologetic about how her actions have affected me, and while I believe them to be sincere, I didn't see any behavior changing, so I felt the best thing to do was let go. We had an hour long conversation and I really didn't get the answers I needed, so I became reserved to the fact that I would never have proper closure. I explained how minimal contact was not going to work for me and unless she decided to be completely honest with me and let me know what's going on, instead of skating around the issues, I couldn't be a part of her life. I told her that I was not a Velveteen rabbit that you can put down and pick up whenever you want. She told me she loved me, and I apologized but I told her that I could not say the same thing back because at the time, I didn't feel it with all my core being. A day later she had a very bad day, and I must have feel into codependent mode or something because I gave everything I could to reduce damage control and it fell on deaf ears (in my opinion). Feeling utterly defeated, I realized I deserved better than I was getting. For the first time in almost 3 weeks I cried my eyes out, and I can't even recall the last time I cried because I am generally devoid of most emotions. I figured it had to be part of the healing process anyway. I beat myself up for believing that I would not be hurt by her, intentionally or unintentionally. She reached out to me today to let me know how great her day was, and I did not acknowledge it. I thought there might be a possibility of maintaining some semblance of a friendship, but I don't think so, and it pisses me off that others can do that and I can't. Looking back, I realized that I was putting more into the relationship than I was getting back. She did what she could, but it never seemed like we were on equal playing field. I am at a cross roads right now because I don't know what the next right thing is. I don't want to talk to anyone. I still continue to drink even though I know that's not the answer. I have bouts of insomnia. My emotions are a whirlwind and I can go from crying, to anger, to not giving a f*ck. I feel broken and I don't have anyone I can confide in, so I posted my journey here. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. This is where things stand at the current moment. Painful and unresolved.
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