1Jessie86 Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 I'm getting older (approaching 30) and have chosen not to have sex with guys who are not looking for a committed monogamous relationship. I feel like this is the best way to lock down a meaningful relationship. I've explained to the guy that I'm dating that I prefer to take it slow because it's more meaningful that way but I left out the part that I won't be giving him the cookie until he shows me that he's ready to commit. Should I explain this to him? It's going on 5 weeks of us dating and he's starting to wonder how long I'll hold out for. Opinions? 1
badpenny Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 I hate to tell you this, but this should have been one of the FIRST things you ever talked about. Bluntly, a guy who's really interested will either fully understand or agree, and a guy who feels sex is an important and vital component of a relationship, will have all information to hand, to make a fully-informed decision. The guy deserves to know asap. And your attitude, while I see it from your PoV, is deceitful and underhand. Honesty is vital, and he deserved to know from the get-go. If he bails now, it will be because you withheld it from him, both physically and informatively. 3
fitnessfan365 Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Haha.. The old cookie line. I actually really like the movie Think Like a Man. Surprisingly entertaining for a chick flick. Also, He's Just Not That Into You is a good luck at male/female interaction. The one other chick flick I actually liked was The Ugly Truth because it's from a guy's POV. But just be careful about the message you're sending. It comes off like you're using sex to blackmail a guy into a relationship. If a woman tried to pull that 90 day crap with me, I wouldn't waste my time. It has nothing to do with the sex either. Women that can't live in the moment and follow their heart/passion don't know how to be authentic. If you want to wait to have sex do so for the right reason. You and the guy agree together and it's what's best for BOTH of you. However, don't do it just to be a sheep that follows some lame gimmick. The fact that you use the word "cookie" proves my point. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 (edited) The way I approached it was when things got a little hot and heavy with making out (I wouldn't do more than kissing, nothing under clothes) I would kinda stop us, and if the guy asked what was wrong I'd just smile and say I'm trying to save sex for an exclusive relationship, and then quickly change the subject so the guy didn't think I was trying to push him into asking me out there and then (I really wasn't!). I felt that this way it showed him where I was coming from, explained why I was holding out, and then he could go away and consider what he wanted from us rather than in the heat of the moment say any old crap about wanting to be together just to have sex. Obviously some guys will say and agree to anything to get sex but you can't really avoid that unfortunately. For what it's worth I was totally not trying to kinda blackmail someone into sex at all, I was also weighing up whether or not I wanted to progress to exclusivity. It's just, I knew that I really liked the guy and I knew if we didn't work out then getting past that would be so much easier if all I had to go on was a few dates and kissing etc... I've had a lot of casual sex in the past but I felt like if we went there, and then didn't work out, I would find it harder to get over with the memories of being so intimate with one another. So I wanted to just wait until I knew where 'we' were going before taking our clothes off on that occasion. Edited March 19, 2015 by acrosstheuniverse
JohnsonBaby Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 The options are two : he could lie to you, saying he's serious about the relationship, snatch the "cookie" and dump you afterwards. Or he could just keep having sex with other women outside the relationship while "waiting " for you . Nowadays sex is something so easily available I wouldn't play with it too much. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 This needs to be a transitional thing rather than a drop the bomb kind of situation. You should've been making your intentions clear from the beginning progressively through your behavior as well as communication, and not just holding back the cookie and letting that speak for itself...if he feels like you are merely holding out as a way of bargaining a relationship, then that tends to be a real turnoff once you show your cards...it looks like you really don't know what you're doing and just one of those girls who've been around the block but now wants a relationship but has no idea how to be relationship material. It's seems like people have an extreme amount of difficulty with communication, but it's much easier than you think once you stop concerning yourself with the consequences when it comes to something important that you supposedly value. This is the problem many women have, they try to figure out how to broach certain subjects and conversation and instead choose to be passive about it out of insecurity, which makes women look like they're playing games or cooking up a manipulative plan to force a man into a commitment. These things do not come off well with most men, the insecurity and lack of confidence can cause an immediate withdrawal of interest and loss of respect. IMO a man who wants commitment and desires exclusivity is going to show it on his own and it's the only way to really know genuinely If he is interested...all the games or time in the world won't stop men from pursuing sex and then just leaving you. But a little time will filter out about 50 percent alone, lots of guys aren't willing to wait for sex in 2015. And watch out for the Casanova. You simply need to use your brain and be able to tell when someone is genuinely interested in you and take some chances, and not get too caught up in your own head or ideas. Unfortunately this is not an inherent skill for most women, and takes some learning capacity and wisdom at the least, because so many women are caught up in their own ideas which is they can change men, or control things they cannot or just things work in a different way than they actually do, it just becomes an aggravating process that they never quite get. 1
PegNosePete Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 I've explained to the guy that I'm dating that I prefer to take it slow because it's more meaningful that way It sounds like you've already explained it pretty well. If he can't figure out that that means no cookie until commitment then he needs to engage his brain a bit more. he's starting to wonder how long I'll hold out for Well, this sounds like he wants the cookie before commitment. Maybe you're not all that well suited to this guy. 1
Diezel Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 I'm very weary of a woman who uses this line on me. Maybe it's not so much what she says, but how she says it. If it's said with a hint of attitude, it can convey to me the message that sex is a tool of manipulation. Just be careful with how you say it, because it's pretty much what you are doing subconsciously. Having this conversation does NOT guarantee he is going to stick around either AFTER the fact. Some men could even see this as a challenge.
d0nnivain Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 At 5 weeks in I see no reason for you two to be intimate if that isn't want you want. I think the Patty Stanger line about no sex before monogamy is a good one. If you are a virgin, holding out until marriage -- that you do need to reveal sooner rather than later but just because you have principles that don't include sleeping around, there is no reason to change that for some guy. Any man who wants sex without exclusivity, when you don't, can move along & his absence will improve your life.
writergal Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 The options are two : he could lie to you, saying he's serious about the relationship, snatch the "cookie" and dump you afterwards. Or he could just keep having sex with other women outside the relationship while "waiting " for you . Nowadays sex is something so easily available I wouldn't play with it too much. +1. OP, there is nothing you can to do control what your boyfriend chooses to do once you tell him your cookie timeline plan. Men want sex. They will say anything to get sex, even lie to their girlfriend/wife to get sex. Do not try to control your boyfriend because it will backfire on you. 1
orangetree Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 I'm getting older (approaching 30) and have chosen not to have sex with guys who are not looking for a committed monogamous relationship. I feel like this is the best way to lock down a meaningful relationship. I've explained to the guy that I'm dating that I prefer to take it slow because it's more meaningful that way but I left out the part that I won't be giving him the cookie until he shows me that he's ready to commit. Should I explain this to him? It's going on 5 weeks of us dating and he's starting to wonder how long I'll hold out for. Opinions? I think that's perfectly fine and a guy should accept that if he's really interested. BUT be careful. It's not that easy and it doesn't always work. When I was still single and went out with guys, I usually told them the same on the first or second date. Some of them lost interest, some accepted it and others, well, took advantage. There were two guys who seemed to totally accept my decision and kept being sweet and really seemed into me. They kept texting and calling me all the time, really showing sincere interest, even organized romantic dates and I really started liking them. After dating for a while, I had 'the talk' with them (once initiated by me, the other time by the guy), talking about what we are and exclusivity. Both told me they really like me and would love to have me as their girlfriend. Well, then I slept with them. Guess what happened. From a day to the other both guys didn't care about me anymore at all and started making up bad excuses why they cannot meet me etc. Long story short, be careful who you trust.
Redhead14 Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 (edited) I'm getting older (approaching 30) and have chosen not to have sex with guys who are not looking for a committed monogamous relationship. I feel like this is the best way to lock down a meaningful relationship. I've explained to the guy that I'm dating that I prefer to take it slow because it's more meaningful that way but I left out the part that I won't be giving him the cookie until he shows me that he's ready to commit. Should I explain this to him? It's going on 5 weeks of us dating and he's starting to wonder how long I'll hold out for. Opinions? I'm a little confused about why you didn't include that when you two had the conversation about your relationship goals and expectations are. If you're having that conversation you should include all the relevant points. You should make it clear to him that you want a committed relationship before having sex with anyone. If he doesn't know and understand that up front, it may be that he will feel led on or that you are using sex as a weapon or tool of manipulation at some point. I'm sure that you know that some people want to know if they are compatible sexually with their potential partner before making a commitment. You need to be clear with each other. Edited March 19, 2015 by Redhead14
Jethro Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 How much more than 5 weeks do you need? If I date a woman for 5 weeks, I would imagine I would be moving towards an exclusive, monogamous relationship. 5 weeks is an eternity in the dating world. If you are still unsure then maybe it's time for you to move on. At 5 weeks I would hope you have an idea if you want to be exclusive or not. 2
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Cookie?? This line of thinking will do more harm than good in trying to lock down a balanced, long term relationship. You do realize that sex is an important component of a stable relationship right?? I understand the whole premise of not wanting to have sex with someone that you cannot see a relationship with, but holding it back as a reward for commitment?? Let me ask you this... what if you both decide to commit and the sex is HORRIBLE and you're not sexually compatible? Will you then stay in this sexually unsatisfying relationship since he held up his end of the deal by waiting for his "reward"? Personally, I think these kind of bargaining tools are unfair to both parties. I would never fully commit to a relationship where I was not sure there was both an emotional AND sexual connection. Just my thoughts on the matter... 1
Mrin Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 (edited) Like others, you really need to watch how you tell him. And you _do_ need to tell him by the way. This is something that you should have brought up pretty early in the relationship. It is unfair to him and ultimately unproductive to you to have just waited like this or left it gone unsaid. Okay, that being said, you should also be prepared to say what a "committed monogamous relationship" is. Honestly, if you ask me, i'd drop the committed piece. That's just too squishy and qualitative. I don't think there is anything wrong with you saying you aren't interested in sex until you're in a monogamous relationship and both he and you have had a full battery of STD tests. Absolutely nothing wrong with that - my GF said the exact same thing to me and I completely understood and supported it. Stick with that angle and it doesn't look like you're blackmailing him into some sort of relationship. You're just defining your comfort threshold and any guy worth his salt will respect that. You put any morality play on this, any "committed relationship" chatter, any mention of "the cookie" and you can forget it. A male brain will interpret those as hoops that he has to jump through. He'll either enter "challenge mode" and jump through the hoops to get the "cookie" (and promptly leave) or just bail after you had "the talk". Best of luck! Mrin Edit: Just to be clear - there is nothing wrong with feeling like you do. The only thing you did wrong is not let your feelings be known earlier in the relationship so that he could make an informed decision. Edited March 19, 2015 by Mrin 2
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