fitnessfan365 Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 (edited) Has anyone ever managed to find both in the same person? As long as I can remember it's always been one or the other. This is probably the equivalent of the "nice guy" problem that women have. However, why is it that emotionally stable, loyal, and genuinely sweet women are always conservative in appearance and vanilla in bed? It's frustrating because this is the type of woman I connect with on an emotional level. But as a guy with a lot of testosterone and sexual drive, sexy feminine appearance and freaky skills in bed are what I need. Unfortunately these are always attached to bad girls that don't make long term prospects. I think finding a woman that could make a great wife, that also exudes sexuality and acts like a porn star in bed would be like finding the Holy Grail. Edited March 19, 2015 by fitnessfan365 1
Gary S Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 What you don't understand is that the more sane, giving, and loyal she is, the more valuable she is as a mate. You don't need a porn star, sex is not as important as you think it is. If you are lucky, perhaps someday you will realize this. There are no perfect women. Are you perfect? 14
CalvinM Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 I echo the last statement. My first long term gf and I had explosive sex, but she was an ocean of emotion. They're not mutually exclusive, but it seems to be the case. If I were you, I'd just try to find a really good person you can be yourself around. Someone who accepts you, and has a solid relationship with her family, common interests and differences you can share.
Author fitnessfan365 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Posted March 19, 2015 Come on guys. i can't be the only one with the guts to be honest. A great relationship not only involves emotional and intellectual stimulation, but sexual compatibility as well. There is nothing wrong with wanting a woman you can be in love and in lust with. I mean why settle for emotional fulfillment only? 2
SomeDude16 Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Whats more important sex or emotion? Lets put it this way, sex with out the emotional and intellectual stimulation is just assisted masturbation. You probably not reaching the depth or intellectual or emotional connection you think you are. 3
soyou Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Fitnessfan, no worries about this. Eventually you'll find a woman like that. Keep your standards up. If it's not what you want, dont settle. To be honest, what you describe is really who I'm. So people like that do exist. I've been with guys with awesome personalities but the sex was meh and we eventually broke up because of that. I've been with guys execellent between the sheets, we had fun but it was just it. I've been with guys very damn good in bed, sweet, fun, caring and loving. Unfortunately it was not my cup of tea. Even though I have not met the right match but all of these have made wonderful experiences for my dating life. I know now what I didnt know then what type of guys I likr and what not. And I stick to my gun! My point is if you know what you want in a partner, have faith and confidenc that you'll find her. If it's not good, it's not the end.
Gary S Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 I've had the porn star type, and she was bipolar. I did things with that woman I've never done before, and never heard of. But she beat down my love level until there was nothing left and I did not want her anymore. She had a list of red flags from Florida to Montana. In the bedroom she was perfect, but a real turnoff as a friend. She did not hold a candle to the giver - even though the giver did not even move in most positions. I was still sexually satisfied. And the rest of the relationship was wonderful, the woman was like Mother Teresa. It's no contest, I'll always choose the helpful, giving women. And sexual incompatibility is very rare. You are too high maintenance in this area in my opinion. I wonder if you've been with too many women and seek some perfect woman who has all the qualities you've loved from past lovers? Or watch too many skin flicks? 2
Dybbuk Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 FF: I think sexual exploration can increase as trust grows and becomes stronger over time (as long as your partner is open to trying different things over time). A woman who acts like a porn star the first time she sleeps with you is likely a woman with low inhibitions, impulsive, and potentially the 'drama llama' sort who might not be emotional compatible. Not always the case, but there is a reason the stereotype exists that the really freaky ladies in bed are typically the crazy ones. For women sex is an invasive act, and essentially puts you in a very vulnerable position with a man. In the beginning you may not be ready to fully put yourself out there, but with time and your partner earning your love and trust sex can become more exploratory. There are things I do now with my BF that we never did the first couple of months of sleeping together. Overall I was not very experienced when I got with my BF because I only had sex one time before him, and he picked up on that pretty quickly. However he looked past my inexperience and we started a relationship because we connected on things that were important. To be honest, it's not that I don't have my laundry list of fantasies and freaky things I want to try in bed. I watch and enjoy porn. I get ideas from it, and have approached him with those ideas, and both he and I have made some 'requests' in the bedroom. Now we definitely have a more active and fun sex life, but I had to be fully comfortable and invested in him first before that happened. I guess for me, I would have been really distraught and crushed if I opened myself up to a guy, let him know some of my innermost desires I would want to experience with a trusted partner...only for him to fade out in a few months because he just wanted some freaky sex. I would have felt used, especially because I feel some of my fantasies are extremely intimate. TLDR; If you find the right girl and connect with her on an emotional level, sex can always improve and progress if she is open to trying new things. 7
Author fitnessfan365 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Posted March 19, 2015 TLDR; If you find the right girl and connect with her on an emotional level, sex can always improve and progress if she is open to trying new things. That's definitely true. Just depends on the woman. One of my weaknesses is impatience. But it's definitely something I'm trying to work on. I really loved your entire post though. I think it's awesome that you were able to find your sexual identity and experience new things despite being inexperienced to start. You sound like a good open minded woman. 1
Gloria25 Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Look, I dress like a prude ok? But, I'm great in the bedroom. Now, do I have some issues? Yes. But, at the same time, I'm a one woman man. I just have problems trusting a guy. Longest I've been with the same guy was about 6 yrs and worked for me. Didn't see much of him and no drama. We met, did our thing, went back to our own homes/lives, and kept it simple. Shoot, maybe that's why it lasted so long. My drama seems to have happened since I ended stuff with him and moved to the U.S. I date Caucasian/American guys and I think that's the problem. The cultural incompatability is the issue...I think. While I agree that you don't need a porn star in the bedroom, but at the same time I've seen some guys with some chicks that look like the sex is boooring and horrible. Probably the sex is just him climbing on top of her and pumping away. Who wants that? My last FWB, NEVER saw a woman in a bodysuit/bodystocking. And, dude was married and going on 40's. WTH/WTF? Now come on, really? Me, wearing a bodystocking is not porn star stuff....geesh 2
Leigh 87 Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Has anyone ever managed to find both in the same person? As long as I can remember it's always been one or the other. This is probably the equivalent of the "nice guy" problem that women have. However, why is it that emotionally stable, loyal, and genuinely sweet women are always conservative in appearance and vanilla in bed? It's frustrating because this is the type of woman I connect with on an emotional level. But as a guy with a lot of testosterone and sexual drive, sexy feminine appearance and freaky skills in bed are what I need. Unfortunately these are always attached to bad girls that don't make long term prospects. I think finding a woman that could make a great wife, that also exudes sexuality and acts like a porn star in bed would be like finding the Holy Grail. I'm loyal and loving and also a freak in bed. I can't find both things in a partner either. I think it's just the luck of the draw man. A numbers game. Some people have issues where they are only attracted to bad boys and girls. But not me. I'm super kind hearted, generous and ambitious to excel in my career. Yet I am 28 and have yet to meet a man whom I'm sexually into and emotionally compatible with. I don't believe in trying to build chemistry when it isn't fiery and real to begin with. I believe in holding out for the entire package. 2
Author fitnessfan365 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Posted March 19, 2015 I'm loyal and loving and also a freak in bed. I can't find both things in a partner either. I think it's just the luck of the draw man. A numbers game. Some people have issues where they are only attracted to bad boys and girls. But not me. I'm super kind hearted, generous and ambitious to excel in my career. Yet I am 28 and have yet to meet a man whom I'm sexually into and emotionally compatible with. I don't believe in trying to build chemistry when it isn't fiery and real to begin with. I believe in holding out for the entire package. You continue to impress me Leigh. Still loved your thoughts on paying in dating contributing a 1/4 of the time. This lets a man be the gentleman without treating him like an ATM. Plus, the good girl in the streets and the bad girl in the sheets combo is IDEAL. I've had the porn star type, and she was bipolar. I did things with that woman I've never done before, and never heard of. But she beat down my love level until there was nothing left and I did not want her anymore. She had a list of red flags from Florida to Montana. In the bedroom she was perfect, but a real turnoff as a friend. And sexual incompatibility is very rare. You are too high maintenance in this area in my opinion. I wonder if you've been with too many women and seek some perfect woman who has all the qualities you've loved from past lovers? ? Haha.. This post I could relate to Gary. The same thing happened to me. She was the freakiest sexual creature I ever encountered and I still think about the sex from time to time. But she wound up being really mentally unstable and borderline bi-polar like you describe. She'd call me up and just start having crying fits over the phone screaming at me. Then an hour later, she'd just show up at my place wanting to get F'd. It was nuts. You may be onto something there with the qualities combo. I'm definitely not reaching Barney Stinson or Wilt Chamberlin numbers. But I've definitely had more than the average number of sexual partners. I will be the first to admit that it's how I'm hardwired. The doctor told me that my testosterone levels are unnaturally high. So combine that with 6x a week exercise, good nutrition, etc.. and I still have the sex drive of a 17 year old (i'm 34 even though I look like I'm 26. Haha) My last GF finally did show me what a true connection means. It sucks because we eventually broke up because of outside factors in her life that had nothing to do with us. Her friends were really demanding, her parents drove her crazy, and she hated her job. So all the stress in her life would leak into our relationship. So I broke up with her because she just couldn't handle a relationship at this stage in her life (she was 26). But definitely an amazing woman that made me change my priorities, I spent the last year avoiding women and dating. So yes, it was possible for me to go without sex for an extended period of time. Haha
PinkCarnations Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 hmm its not that hard to be good in bed. It doesn't come from sleeping with a bunch of different people but actually people tend to be more experienced if they sleep with the same person a lot of times, allowing them to try new things (and eventually hone those skills).. So no, girls who are good in bed aren't always the ones who are slutty or bad prospects, as you say. They can be girls who are loyal, sweet, and have stayed with the same boyfriends for a long time. Maybe they're so awesome that they're rarely single or like you, have certain standards.. Making it hard for you to meet these girls. Anyways this reminds me of one of my guy friends.. He's super fit, makes good money as an attorney, and similarly dates someone also in his league, a cute Ivy League grad chick.. Everything's great but she's terrible in bed.. Lays there like a dead fish. He told me he doesn't care because he's used to those types.. Lol. 2
MidwestUSA Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Has anyone ever managed to find both in the same person? As long as I can remember it's always been one or the other. This is probably the equivalent of the "nice guy" problem that women have. However, why is it that emotionally stable, loyal, and genuinely sweet women are always conservative in appearance and vanilla in bed? Take the word 'always' out of there. You haven't met me. But to answer your question, yes, I have. I have it, and I'm keeping it. It takes work on both our parts, but we're in it for the long haul, with no signs of cooling down. Best of luck to you. 3
Leigh 87 Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 I echo the last statement. My first long term gf and I had explosive sex, but she was an ocean of emotion. They're not mutually exclusive, but it seems to be the case. If I were you, I'd just try to find a really good person you can be yourself around. Someone who accepts you, and has a solid relationship with her family, common interests and differences you can share. This isn't enough for many people. We don't want a best friend who we happen to sleep with..... We need real chemistry that makes us FEEL infatuated, smitten and excited. Anything less than good chemistry is akin to sleeping with your best mate. No thanks. I have friends that are wonderful guys and who are into me. They would probably be fine lovers but people like fitness and I need the spark... The thing that makes us excited about dating someone new. You're all welcome to skip the infatuation and honeymoon stage but I'm not and fitness also seeks to want to hold out for more than a " best friend " with whom he enjoys sex with. There needs to he true chemistry in order for a strong ROMANTIC connection to be established..... I know couples who have both explosive sex AND major compatibility emotionally speaking. However, they are all in their late 20's and above because they waited a little longer in order to find the explosive chemistry AND a suitable partner long term. 4
Author fitnessfan365 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Posted March 19, 2015 Take the word 'always' out of there. You haven't met me. But to answer your question, yes, I have. I have it, and I'm keeping it. It takes work on both our parts, but we're in it for the long haul, with no signs of cooling down. Best of luck to you. With that type of cocky confidence you sound more like a bad girl in sheep's clothing. 1
A O Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Finding an emotional and sexually compatible partner is a reasonably common thing. Wanting that person to possess freaky bed skills and a porn star like demeanour, well....that's what you're there for! Compatability means that she'll be into or willing to try anything your mind can think of - and - enjoy it as much as you do. If you can't think of anything past what you see in porn, well then, that's your hard luck and hers too (unless she has a far more adventurous mind than you appear to have). Remember also that porn is just acting and very bad acting at that and usually to contrived and over used formulas also.
MidwestUSA Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 With that type of cocky confidence you sound more like a bad girl in sheep's clothing. Well, I know who I am, what I want, how to get it, and how to keep it. I also have an infinite amount of patience and compassion. Bah. 1
Eggplant Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Is there any chance you unwittingly have some of the Madonna - ***** complex? In this case, you would immediately be writing off sexy women as not long-term material, but maybe some of the sexier women you've met are healthier emotionally than you suppose.
coolheadal Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 You need to do your homework better and find someone who more like you in many ways. Otherwise you'll never be happy. 1
xxoo Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Is there any chance you unwittingly have some of the Madonna - ***** complex? In this case, you would immediately be writing off sexy women as not long-term material, but maybe some of the sexier women you've met are healthier emotionally than you suppose. And also writing off some surface-sweet women as less sexy in bed. It's hard for everyone to find the magic combo of emotional connection and sexual compatibility. Many women need that deep emotional connection to feel safe exploring wilder things in bed, so it's not necessarily something you're going to find by having sex before emotionally connecting. 4
Hopeful30 Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 What you don't understand is that the more sane, giving, and loyal she is, the more valuable she is as a mate. You don't need a porn star, sex is not as important as you think it is. If you are lucky, perhaps someday you will realize this. I couldnt disagree more. Sex is VERY important in a relationship, and without sexual compatibility relationships become more friendships or tolerances than anything else. As for the OPs question, no, I havent found a man who has both yet. 1
writergal Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Has anyone ever managed to find both in the same person? I found that several times with boyfriends, but those relationships didn't work out for other reasons. So it is possible to find people who you are emotionally and sexually compatible with. And the more emotionally intimate you become with someone, the better the sex is. 1
elaine567 Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Come on guys. i can't be the only one with the guts to be honest. A great relationship not only involves emotional and intellectual stimulation, but sexual compatibility as well. There is nothing wrong with wanting a woman you can be in love and in lust with. I mean why settle for emotional fulfillment only? I get sexual compatibility,and I agree it is very important, but any woman who acts like a porn star from day one is going to run out of ideas pretty fast and then where do you go? If you get to the stage "been there, done it all" in 6 weeks, what is going to then turn you on sexually?
central Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 What you don't understand is that the more sane, giving, and loyal she is, the more valuable she is as a mate. You don't need a porn star, sex is not as important as you think it is. If you are lucky, perhaps someday you will realize this. There are no perfect women. Are you perfect? IMO, you're dead wrong. Sex IS as important as he thinks it is, AND you can find a stable, loving, and sweet woman who is ALSO a skilled and enthusiastic sex partner. You have to keep looking until you find one, though - they aren't rare, but most are probably already taken by someone who quickly realized how wonderful they are. I will agree that sane, giving, and loyal is valuable in a mate. But the relationship will be of poor value and quality without passion. It will be boring as hell, and will probably become sexless pretty quickly. 1
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