Sybil562 Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 So I had a great first date a couple of weeks ago with a guy I met online. We had a second date scheduled for last Friday. I had texted him asking if he was on his way so I knew when to leave and I didn't hear back from him. I called him 30 minutes later and left a voicemail. Nothing. Eventually the realization hit me that I'd been stood up and it felt HORRIBLE. I took comfort in the fact that I'd never left my house and therefore wasn't stuck waiting for him by myself like a loser, but it still felt awful. About an hour after our date should have started, he sent me a text saying he was so sorry, he was helping his mom, she lives alone and he needed to help her, he'll call me in a bit, etc. I told him to call him when he was done (because I wanted to let him know that what he did was not ok!). He never called, and the next day I sent him an email basically saying I wanted to speak to him but who knows if he would have the decency to answer me back. I know, I should have just let it go, but I felt like I really needed to get it off my chest. I was not going to let him get away with blowing me off without telling him off first. He sent me a text later in the evening saying he was dealing with a situation with his sister (which I know for a fact he wasn't making that up) and he ended up calling me. We talked for almost an hour and I told him exactly how I felt. He apologized and took full responsibility and said he needed to make it up to me. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. We decided to meet up during the week. I sent him an email to confirm if we were still meeting, but he asked if it was ok if we reschedule for Friday because he's busy during the week with work. I said yes because during the week for me isn't ideal either, so Friday it is. We spoke on the phone for like an hour the other night and it was nice. We always used to text or email, so to actually speak on the phone and hear his voice was very pleasant. But after all this, I am left very uneasy. I was absolutely positive he was into me after the first date. Now I'm not so sure. I've told him numerous times that he doesn't have to see me and that he shouldn't feel obligated to. I even mentioned on the phone the other night that he's so hard to read and I don't even know if he likes me. He was basically like "Wtf, I've been talking to you for an hour when I could be sleeping, obviously I like you." But I don't know. I feel like if he didn't want to see me again then he had the perfect out after he blew me off. There was no need to text me again and reschedule and keep talking to me. But then again, some people are weird. I actually really like him, which is why I agreed to give him a second chance, even though what he did really bothered me. So my question is -- 1. Does he actually like me or he just playing strange games? 2. Am I pathetic for giving him a second chance? Sorry for the length of this post!!! tldr -- guy stood me up, later on contacted me to explain the situation, rescheduled my date, but I'm confused and don't even really know if he likes me. Thank you!!!
Buddhist Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 (edited) About an hour after our date should have started, he sent me a text saying he was so sorry, he was helping his mom, she lives alone and he needed to help her, he'll call me in a bit, etc. He never called, From my past experience this kind of thing is a red flag that he's a flakey and unreliable person. I had a guy cancel a date last minute (literally the time the date should start) saying he was sick. Anyway, I forgave and ended up in a relationship with him. He turned out to be entirely unreliable character with basically no personal responsibility. Tip Unless you are unconscious in an ambulance, you always have time to call someone and let them know that circumstances have arisen that will prevent you keeping your commitment. It takes 5mins of your time and about a similar amount of selflessness. Such circumstances almost never occur 3 mins before a date. He knew well before your date that his mother would need his attention but made the decision not to inform you about it. Think about that for a minute. To contact you an hour after he broke his commitment is bad enough, but to text it, and not even have the decency to call shows some serious lack of character. Last minute flakes are demonstrating their lack of personal responsibility and the fact they think of others as an after thought. Go there at your own risk. This guys actions tell me very clearly where you are on the list of priorities, I wouldn't be waiting around to invite that into my life. Edited March 19, 2015 by Buddhist 7
Author Sybil562 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Posted March 19, 2015 From my past experience this kind of thing is a red flag that he's a flakey and unreliable person. I had a guy cancel a date last minute (literally the time the date should start) saying he was sick. Anyway, I forgave and ended up in a relationship with him. He turned out to be entirely unreliable character with basically no personal responsibility. Tip Unless you are unconscious in an ambulance, you always have time to call someone and let them know that circumstances have arisen that will prevent you keeping your commitment. It takes 5mins of your time and about a similar amount of selflessness. Such circumstances almost never occur 3 mins before a date. He knew well before your date that his mother would need his attention but made the decision not to inform you about it. Think about that for a minute. To contact you an hour after he broke his commitment is bad enough, but to text it, and not even have the decency to call shows some serious lack of character. Last minute flakes are demonstrating their lack of personal responsibility and the fact they think of others as an after thought. Go there at your own risk. This guys actions tell me very clearly where you are on the list of priorities, I wouldn't be waiting around to invite that into my life. You are absolutely right, and I told him that when I spoke to him. In this day and age, unless you're in the hospital, there really is no excuse to not let someone know. It doesn't even take 5 minutes, it takes 30 seconds to text or 2 minutes to give a quick call and say "I can't make it, I'll explain later, promise." So I gave him another chance but I am going in with my eyes wide open...
Aristocles Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 If you're genuinely interested in someone you don't behave like that. You go out of your way not to be seen as a twat or offend the person. You're either just an option or he's not at all in to you. Not somebody you want to be with if you have any self-respect. 1
Versacehottie Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Games. Listen, he is putting you very low priority. Not a good start does that make. He is obviously not that worried for how you will perceive him and you two are just beginning. He sounds like he thinks he is better than you and doing you a favor. You are always going to be working to win a place at the top of his priority list. Fail on his part. When you decided to give him the benefit of the doubt rather easily, you just frittered away all your playing cards with this guy. Save yourself any humiliation and heartache. It's not supposed to be like this. Move on. 1
Author Sybil562 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Posted March 19, 2015 But what is the purpose of this "game"? Why even bother contacting me again and explaining the situation, and then setting up another date? He's a very busy person, I've known that from the start. I just don't understand what the purpose of all this would be.
SunnySide0418 Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 I have a question. Why are you the one always following up with him? Let him pursue you!! You only went one ONE date!!! Have some self respect. How old are you and he? He already has shown you he is not very considerate. And for the 2nd date he only told you he was busy during the week and asked to reschedule Friday. What if you didn't email him? When was he planning on telling you? I don't like any of it. 3
Synwood Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 But what is the purpose of this "game"? Why even bother contacting me again and explaining the situation, and then setting up another date? He's a very busy person, I've known that from the start. I just don't understand what the purpose of all this would be. He may just be keeping his options open by keeping you around as an alternative date to whomever else he may be pursuing. I am a guy. Not all guys are bad but some guys are dogs. Others are just great salesman. I knew a friend of a friend who was a top salesman. He also dated a lot of girls. He was simply persuasive and had a gift for gab. He was a serial cheater too. You can give him a second chance but leave it up to him to do all the work and make the plans. You should not have to be checking in with him to make sure he is going make it. This is all on him at this point. And IF he flakes this time, simply delete his name and number from your life. Do not ever bother talking or texting to him again. 2
Author Sybil562 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Posted March 19, 2015 I have a question. Why are you the one always following up with him? Let him pursue you!! You only went one ONE date!!! Have some self respect. How old are you and he? He already has shown you he is not very considerate. And for the 2nd date he only told you he was busy during the week and asked to reschedule Friday. What if you didn't email him? When was he planning on telling you? I don't like any of it. I'm 29, he's 34. Was I supposed to wait for him to email me on Monday to change plans? I'm a planner, that's who I am. I like to know what I'm doing, what's going on, etc. So it's not about him pursuing me, etc.
Versacehottie Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 attention, ego, preserving the power of the choice being his and his alone. Some interest but not sustainable interest with reciprocal respect. Just plain weirdness. Liking to see what they can get away with. Generally making sure you are right there in his back pocket. Back-up ness. Now that you had a bunch of possible reasons and mixture of reasons, do yourself the biggest favor and move on. It won't get any better. Your question suggests that you want one of the possible reasons to be that "he really must like me but be genuinely busy". That's YOUR ego needing reassurance. Let your self-worth be stronger than ego and walk away from this one. He's no good. Your question also suggests that he has some forgone conclusion, some deeper intention. I feel like a lot of women think that guys have a crystal ball or approach relationships the way most of us do. I don't think they do. From having one date or some beginning conversations from online, they don't know exactly where they want things to go. We are 10 steps ahead, thinking this guy could be the one, while he's thinking maybe I'll ask her out for next week. Either way, if he's not treating you with respect at this initial stage, it won't get better! I do think he was lying by the way. Pretty rare and coincidental to have all these emergencies come up right when he's supposed to be taking you out. If things are truly that cut and go with his family, people usually take a break from dating at these times. People play games, that's a fact of life. Those of us that don't really (or at least not in this way) will not easily understand that they are games. "Games" translation is that you are not important to him. Very often that means some other girl or recent relationship is. See it really for what it is. Very disrespectful. He will likely never cherish or respect you when he starts off like this. Not good for a healthy relationship. If he came back months from now with a totally different approach, i'd say consider it if I was your friend. You need a reset with this guy and you're not going to get it by agreeing to fall for his b.s. Give yourself a chance with some other guy. 2
Author Sybil562 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Posted March 19, 2015 You can give him a second chance but leave it up to him to do all the work and make the plans. You should not have to be checking in with him to make sure he is going make it. This is all on him at this point. And IF he flakes this time, simply delete his name and number from your life. Do not ever bother talking or texting to him again. Ok, this is sound advice. It's going to KILL me to not contact him tomorrow to confirm if we're still on and what we're doing, etc, but he's the one who wanted to reschedule and he's the one who stood me up in the first place. If he wants to make it up to me then he should. 1
katiegrl Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 But what is the purpose of this "game"? Why even bother contacting me again and explaining the situation, and then setting up another date? He's a very busy person, I've known that from the start. I just don't understand what the purpose of all this would be. My guess is he has lost interest. And I can't say I blame the guy...especially after this: "I've told him numerous times that he doesn't have to see me and he shouldn't feel obligated to. I even told him on the phone the other night that he was hard to read and I didn't even know if he liked me." Ugh! After only ONE date you burden him with this?? May I ask what on god's green earth compelled you to say this to him? What did you expect him to say...after only one date? It's too late in this situation, but please please don't ever say this to guy again...especially after only one date. He is acting this way because he is turned off. You were too intense...and too insecure. Sorry, but hopefully lesson learned. First few dates = you are fun, light and breezy. Even if you feel anxious and insecure, you keep that too yourself...you don't burden him with what amounts to your own neurosis. Sorry..but I wouldn't hold out much hope. Damage done. 3
Versacehottie Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 My guess is he has lost interest. And I can't say I blame the guy...especially after this: "I've told him numerous times that he doesn't have to see me and he shouldn't feel obligated to. I even told him on the phone the other night that he was hard to read and I didn't even know if he liked me." Ugh! After only ONE date you burden him with this?? May I ask what on god's green earth compelled you to say this to him? What did you expect him to say...after only one date? It's too late in this situation, but please please don't ever say this to guy again...especially after only one date. He is acting this way because he is turned off. You were too intense...and too insecure. Sorry, but hopefully lesson learned. First few dates = you are fun, light and breezy. Even if you feel anxious and insecure, you keep that too yourself...you don't burden him with what amounts to your own neurosis. Sorry..but I wouldn't hold out much hope. Damage done. oh yeah I forgot to include this analysis in my response and didn't want to be harsh. um, yeah, no. Don't say "you don't have to see me" and all that other stuff you said. You are coming off super needy and clingy. He may be confirming that's not the case to your face or over text/phone because he won't want to tell you the truth: you're freaking me out. This is an awful lot of drama and need for reassurance and see-thru desperation. It's a complete turn off. Best favor he could have done you is truly explain that what you were doing was a no-go! You likely exhibited some similar behavior before being stood up which is why he stood you up!! And then back and forth with wanted to tell him off!! It's online dating for gosh sakes. This is relatively commonplace!! And you write off people that do that to you!!! Not lecture them like you were already in a full-blown relationship!! If you want to get your dignity and self respect back from being stood up, don't accept another date from him. Simple! If he reached out to you, express your disappoint in normal manner and make him work his way back in--IF he tries!!! I'm not even sure from your story that he's done any of the initiating--another bad sign. Relax, girl. Use this lesson for upcoming interactions. This one is not gonna turn into anything. 2
Author Sybil562 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Posted March 19, 2015 My guess is he has lost interest. And I can't say I blame the guy...especially after this: "I've told him numerous times that he doesn't have to see me and he shouldn't feel obligated to. I even told him on the phone the other night that he was hard to read and I didn't even know if he liked me." Ugh! After only ONE date you burden him with this?? May I ask what on god's green earth compelled you to say this to him? What did you expect him to say...after only one date? It's too late in this situation, but please please don't ever say this to guy again...especially after only one date. He is acting this way because he is turned off. You were too intense...and too insecure. Sorry, but hopefully lesson learned. First few dates = you are fun, light and breezy. Even if you feel anxious and insecure, you keep that too yourself...you don't burden him with what amounts to your own neurosis. Sorry..but I wouldn't hold out much hope. Damage done. Yes, I told him he didn't have to see me... AFTER HE STOOD ME UP. If he's not interested then I'd rather not have my time or his time wasted. I never said anything like that during the first date or leading up to the second date. If he's "lost interest" then I'd prefer he not lead me on with rescheduling after "family emergencies" (if he was being truthful). Just don't contact me again, don't feign interest, and don't feel like you "owe" me. I don't think it's such an outrageous thing to say.
Versacehottie Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Yes, I told him he didn't have to see me... AFTER HE STOOD ME UP. If he's not interested then I'd rather not have my time or his time wasted. I never said anything like that during the first date or leading up to the second date. If he's "lost interest" then I'd prefer he not lead me on with rescheduling after "family emergencies" (if he was being truthful). Just don't contact me again, don't feign interest, and don't feel like you "owe" me. I don't think it's such an outrageous thing to say. You're time was wasted!! By a complete stranger! Who presumably you should have very little investment in. He's not that interested, lost interest, has other things (by things I mean girls) going on. He gave you the proof right there. You texted him and called him to tell him: if you're not interested, don't waste my time. That's nuts. Him not showing up means he's not interested. No need to discuss. It's fine to be totally insulted by his actions but channel that correctly. He's disrespectful and not that interested in you, therefore you are not interested in him. done. 1
katiegrl Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Yes, I told him he didn't have to see me... AFTER HE STOOD ME UP. If he's not interested then I'd rather not have my time or his time wasted. I never said anything like that during the first date or leading up to the second date. If he's "lost interest" then I'd prefer he not lead me on with rescheduling after "family emergencies" (if he was being truthful). Just don't contact me again, don't feign interest, and don't feel like you "owe" me. I don't think it's such an outrageous thing to say. Sweetie when a man blows you off...YOU make the decision right then and there to NOT have your time wasted! You block him and delete him immediately...blowing you off the way he did is rude and unacceptable, period. You DON'T contact him and burden him with your own insecurity about what's going on, how he feels.. ugh! Who cares if he's playing games? You move on, never talk to him again. The end. 3
Author Sybil562 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Posted March 19, 2015 You're time was wasted!! By a complete stranger! Who presumably you should have very little investment in. He's not that interested, lost interest, has other things (by things I mean girls) going on. He gave you the proof right there. You texted him and called him to tell him: if you're not interested, don't waste my time. That's nuts. Him not showing up means he's not interested. No need to discuss. It's fine to be totally insulted by his actions but channel that correctly. He's disrespectful and not that interested in you, therefore you are not interested in him. done. Well, you're right about that. I shouldn't care much about a guy that I barely know and have only been on one date with. But I'm new to online dating and I've never been stood up before. It totally came out of the blue. He texted me the night before saying he was excited to see me. I was excited too, all ready to go, and then heard nothing from him. I didn't know this was common to do. It's all so ridiculous. If he lost interest then why did he text me later in the evening to apologize and reschedule?! Why am I being made to sound like the crazy one? If you don't like me then leave me alone, don't reach out to me and try to make amends! But I guess I should not have accepted his apology in the first place.
SunnySide0418 Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 I'm 29, he's 34. Was I supposed to wait for him to email me on Monday to change plans? I'm a planner, that's who I am. I like to know what I'm doing, what's going on, etc. So it's not about him pursuing me, etc. Yes!!! You wait for him to contact you. The fact that this guy is unreliable means you should not be wasting your time with him. He's flaked twice. Ok, he's busy ... he can still take a couple minutes out of his day to let you know what's going on. He makes time to eat and pee doesn't he? Sorry, but no one is THAT busy. This is a respect issue IMO. 2
SunnySide0418 Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Well, you're right about that. I shouldn't care much about a guy that I barely know and have only been on one date with. But I'm new to online dating and I've never been stood up before. It totally came out of the blue. He texted me the night before saying he was excited to see me. I was excited too, all ready to go, and then heard nothing from him. I didn't know this was common to do. It's all so ridiculous. If he lost interest then why did he text me later in the evening to apologize and reschedule?! Why am I being made to sound like the crazy one? If you don't like me then leave me alone, don't reach out to me and try to make amends! But I guess I should not have accepted his apology in the first place. He probably called you to explain because YOU left him a message and called him after being blown off. He is an inconsiderate game player and I think you should move on. We teach people how to treat us and you are teaching him it's OK to blow you off. He was helping his mom??? So, he couldn't have called on his way to tell you he may not be able to meet or at the very least text? By giving him another chance it makes you look desperate with low self esteem. You deserve better - believe that!
Versacehottie Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Well, you're right about that. I shouldn't care much about a guy that I barely know and have only been on one date with. But I'm new to online dating and I've never been stood up before. It totally came out of the blue. He texted me the night before saying he was excited to see me. I was excited too, all ready to go, and then heard nothing from him. I didn't know this was common to do. It's all so ridiculous. If he lost interest then why did he text me later in the evening to apologize and reschedule?! Why am I being made to sound like the crazy one? If you don't like me then leave me alone, don't reach out to me and try to make amends! But I guess I should not have accepted his apology in the first place. Read stories here, talk to your friends. Online dating can be brutal, and flakey. You are a stranger to them so people who don't over-invest or operate with common courtesy are at their worst. If you think about it, the process itself objectifies people to an extent. So they don't consider you as a real living breathing person who they might run into or have mutual acquaintances. Plus you are served up to them on a platter--since they already know you want to date or are looking for a relationship--whereas if they had to do the hard work as in the real world to get to these points, they would care more and be more invested in the outcome. Plus don't forget, the process pretty much guarantees they are talking to and/or dating others so their priorities are shifting. Honestly and I don't mean to beat a dead horse, your behavior was a little crazy or rather clingy. Most of us are saying that. I get where it comes from. For your own sake, take all this internet dating with a grain of salt and try to just have fun. If it turns into more, that's a bonus. Light and breezy. It will up your game considerably at the very least and preserve your sanity. His behavior isn't so crazy just douche-y. And definitely game-player-y. And that's what you wanted to know, right? People are going to want to maximize opportunities and keep themselves on top, in the power spot. In life I've even seen people play games in all sorts of scenarios, not just dating, where they would try to fix their bad behavior, like your guy did, just so they didn't have to admit to themselves that they are a jerk. And the cycle would go on and on. Listen very little to the words, and watch the actions. So it doesn't matter that he told you he was excited-he didn't show up. He RETURNED your text later (also not so cool or truly apologetic), to try to reschedule and then rescheduled the reschedule. Actions not words. Repeat that to yourself constantly. Guys are do-ers not word-y. Whatever he wants, whoever he wants to impress, etc. it will show in what he does not what he says. 1
Author Sybil562 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Posted March 19, 2015 He probably called you to explain because YOU left him a message and called him after being blown off. He is an inconsiderate game player and I think you should move on. We teach people how to treat us and you are teaching him it's OK to blow you off. He was helping his mom??? So, he couldn't have called on his way to tell you he may not be able to meet or at the very least text? By giving him another chance it makes you look desperate with low self esteem. You deserve better - believe that! Not that it matters, but I didn't contact him first. After I realized that he blew me off, I was pretty much done with it. HE was the one who sent me the text the hour later apologizing, saying he was helping his mom and if we could reschedule, etc. It was only after he reached out to me first that I replied back to him. But either way, I am not contacting him anymore. We're supposed to go out tomorrow but I am not calling/texting/emailing him to confirm. He was the one who wanted to reschedule and said he wanted to make it up to me, so he should be making the moves. I wasn't the one who stood him up and acted like a jerk. So if he doesn't contact me then I know exactly where things stand. Delete and move on!
JohnsonBaby Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 (edited) He flaked on you cuz he had better plans . I heard that same exact excuse before . He called you and rescheduled cuz he s not sure yet wether he wants to hit it or not . End of story. He s being disrespectful towards you and of your time .dont waste your time . Been there done that. Men who pretend to be too busy to text or call are the ones to avoid . No one is THAT busy ,if he's intersted he will Consistently make time for you. Edited March 19, 2015 by JohnsonBaby 1
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