compulsivedancer Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Okay, so for the first date, the etiquette is that the woman should offer to split the check, but let him pay if he wants to. What about after that? I'm really not comfortable letting guys pay for me, but many times I can't afford to pick up the whole check. I'd really prefer to always go Dutch. Is that doable, or will guys object to that?
carhill Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 I wouldn't object but I'm used to paying for dates and still have no issues with it, as long as I can afford it. I generally don't do 'special' dates until in an ongoing relationship. A 'special' date might mean a trip to the beach house, dinner at the pier at a nice sit-down, and 'extras' after. Back when I was young, and dating single mothers, I took one and her two kids over to Santa Cruz and we rode the steam train down to the boardwalk from Felton and spent the day on the beach and riding the rides on the boardwalk. Everything on me. That was normal back then. It never even occurred to me for the lady to chip in.
fitnessfan365 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Actually, a woman should only offer to pay her share when she isn't interested. If you want to see a guy again, and you offer to help pay, he could take this as a sign that you don't want to see him again. 4
losangelena Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 I'm really not comfortable letting guys pay for me Why not? (no judgement, just curious as to why) I've found that a lot of times, men like to pay for dates (not all the time, of course, and women shouldn't take advantage). It's good for the ego that they can provide for their women. 1
Author compulsivedancer Posted March 18, 2015 Author Posted March 18, 2015 I just don't really understand why I get this as a perk of being female. I'm gainfully employed, so I don't really need to have a guy pay for me. I feel like that dates back to a time when women didn't work and didn't have financial means. It just feels like a throwback and I feel like I'm taking advantage. In a relationship, if a guy wanted to occasionally take me out as a gift, that makes sense to me, but expecting him to pay just seems kind of ridiculous otherwise. At the same time, I don't really want to emasculate an otherwise really cool guy or make him think I'm not interested over something like this. As long as he doesn't think that him paying entitles him to my body, I can accept it in the early stages. 4
fitnessfan365 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Are you a feminist OP? No judgement either way. You just seem like you are based on your posts.
Gaeta Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 We don't have the same Etiquette book. On a first date I let the gentleman pick up the tab, I give him by best smile and say thank you. The following dates I pick up the bill or pay part of the date. I don't like the splitting. I prefer we pay each our turn. 4
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Actually, a woman should only offer to pay her share when she isn't interested. If you want to see a guy again, and you offer to help pay, he could take this as a sign that you don't want to see him again. Hmm, if a girl offers I'll usually say something like "I don't mind taking care of it", and if they INSIST, then I let them ... and you're right it can mean exactly that. Although the girl I'm seeing now, did go dutch (insisted) on our first date and we're going into #5 now 1
Gary S Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Honestly, don't worry about the "who pays" topic - everyone is confused about it. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill, just go with the flow on this one. 3
NopeNah Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 After the first date I have her pay,until she ends up not talking to me anymore. My 'balance' has always been if I've spent X amount throughout the week/month whatever..It's nice if she picks up a few checks/tabs and refuses to let me pay.
Mr.D.E.B.T. Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 It seems like your not at the stage where be open and honest about your views related to paying. So until you are there, let him pay and you take care of the tip. The tip won't equate to half of the meal cost, but it does give him a hint about your desire to be a contributor. 1
carhill Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 I just don't really understand why I get this as a perk of being female. Try to consider it as a gift. In my case, that's how I feel when giving it. I'm gainfully employed, so I don't really need to have a guy pay for me. Yes, and most men understand that. However, we each feel differently about how we express our 'like' for the women we date. I feel like that dates back to a time when women didn't work and didn't have financial means. It just feels like a throwback and I feel like I'm taking advantage. That's a valid perception and maybe it has traction these days and guys like me are leftovers from a time now extinct. In any event, we each do what we want to do and, to me, it feels 'right' to 'take' a lady on a date. Another man might feel completely differently. Dating, in part, is about synergy. In a relationship, if a guy wanted to occasionally take me out as a gift, that makes sense to me, but expecting him to pay just seems kind of ridiculous otherwise. I'll give an example of my boundary. I was dating a single mother and we were pretty far along, a couple months in and have sexual relations and I took she and her kids to the beach, bla, bla, spent the night with some friends and we were coming back and stopped at a McD's to get some burgers and she went in and didn't even ask me if I wanted anything. I would have been happy to buy lunch but that simple act indicated to me that she wasn't considerate of the man who had been treating her well all that time so she got an earful about it. At the same time, I don't really want to emasculate an otherwise really cool guy or make him think I'm not interested over something like this. As long as he doesn't think that him paying entitles him to my body, I can accept it in the early stages. A gentleman never feels emasculated by such simple matters as who pays for dates, IMO. Dating and romance is so much more than that. As to the other part, sex for myself is part of relationships and doesn't even enter into dating so dinner equaling sex never has computed for me. Sex and love aren't an accounting abacus. However, YMMV, and widely. 1
Author compulsivedancer Posted March 19, 2015 Author Posted March 19, 2015 It seems like your not at the stage where be open and honest about your views related to paying. So until you are there, let him pay and you take care of the tip. The tip won't equate to half of the meal cost, but it does give him a hint about your desire to be a contributor. Good idea, but I rarely carry cash, so it's not practical.
Author compulsivedancer Posted March 19, 2015 Author Posted March 19, 2015 Are you a feminist OP? No judgement either way. You just seem like you are based on your posts. Of course. Very few people today don't embrace some feminist ideals, including most of the guys I know - including many guys who yell about feminism. I have no interest in going back to a time with limited options for women, where I can't choose my own destiny. But because my reality as a woman today is different than the reality of a woman 60 years ago, I think my dating expectations probably ought to be a little different, too. 2
Author compulsivedancer Posted March 19, 2015 Author Posted March 19, 2015 Actually, a woman should only offer to pay her share when she isn't interested. If you want to see a guy again, and you offer to help pay, he could take this as a sign that you don't want to see him again. Why does offering to pay show a lack of interest? What's very very weird is when I ask the guy out, then he wants to pay! If I ask him, shouldn't I pay? 1
carhill Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Offering to pay shows lack of interest in the gift he offers, hence lack of interest in him. Again, probably old-fashioned.
somedude81 Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Okay, so for the first date, the etiquette is that the woman should offer to split the check, but let him pay if he wants to. What about after that? I'm really not comfortable letting guys pay for me, but many times I can't afford to pick up the whole check. I'd really prefer to always go Dutch. Is that doable, or will guys object to that? At least the first five dates I went on with my ex we went Dutch. We were both perfectly happy with it. In the actual relationship about 7 out of 10 times we went out were Dutch, the other times were my treat. 1
Tayla Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 As someone who is gender and age neutral on splitting cost, i have no qualms in paying my part . I tend to side with the Op in remaining cordial and independent and that touches various aspects of social forays. When its an invitation by a host, I still offer to donate a tip or pick up the appetizer tab. Rarely does the Host take offense yet more often then not its declined ... Most guys that I do date feel no emasculation when I pay my part or allow them to contribute to the bill... Now that I think about it, most of the gents I go out with know upfront that if I cannot afford it then we compromise . That is genuine courtesy. Dutch treat has its place. 1
lgspot Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 I just don't really understand why I get this as a perk of being female. I'm gainfully employed, so I don't really need to have a guy pay for me. I feel like that dates back to a time when women didn't work and didn't have financial means. It just feels like a throwback and I feel like I'm taking advantage. In a relationship, if a guy wanted to occasionally take me out as a gift, that makes sense to me, but expecting him to pay just seems kind of ridiculous otherwise. At the same time, I don't really want to emasculate an otherwise really cool guy or make him think I'm not interested over something like this. As long as he doesn't think that him paying entitles him to my body, I can accept it in the early stages. So there are perks to being a female. Enjoy it! Doesn't make you any less independent and capable. I'm kinda old school in that I prefer to pay for the first several dates. I prefer when initially dating someone "I'm interested in" things start fairly traditionally. I look at it this way, if I date a person, I believe her to be worthy of me picking up the tab whether she asked or I did. If the dating progresses the financial angle will sort itself out. 1
katiegrl Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Actually, a woman should only offer to pay her share when she isn't interested. If you want to see a guy again, and you offer to help pay, he could take this as a sign that you don't want to see him again. Wow, that explains why some guys seemed to get totally insulted when I offered to pay. Now I know it wasn't so much they were insulted... what they thought was that I wasn't into them! This board is so enlightening sometimes... thnx ff! 1
DoesntGetIt Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Offering to pay does not show a lack of interest, never has in my book. I went on one date where the woman tried hard to pay her share, I didn't let her, and we went back to her place, had sex, and started a relationship after that. My last first date (double date) they tried to pay their share, I said don't worry about it. The next date they brought drinks and food. So yeah, them wanting to pay had nothing to do with interest in any way shape or form. There is nothing wrong with wanting to pay your way or offering to. Different guys will react different. Most will still pay on the first date, but might let you pick up your share there after (with that first girl I fought her the first few times and then she accepted me paying. I also knew her well and knew she had constant money troubles and I genuinely wanted to pay). Feel free to offer to pay your way, or even let him pay one time and you pick it up the next. No real guy is going to be offended or thrown off by any of it. 2
fitnessfan365 Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Although the girl I'm seeing now, did go dutch (insisted) on our first date and we're going into #5 now Nice. There are definitely exceptions to every rule.
fitnessfan365 Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Offering to pay does not show a lack of interest, never has in my book. I went on one date where the woman tried hard to pay her share, I didn't let her, and we went back to her place, had sex, and started a relationship after that. You got into a relationship with a woman after one date?
katiegrl Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Doesntgetit ...you may not interpret it that way...but some guys apparently do. Can you think of another reason why some guys seemed insulted when I offered to pay? If you can give me another plausible reason, I may change my mind...
Hope Shimmers Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Offering to pay shows lack of interest in the gift he offers, hence lack of interest in him. Again, probably old-fashioned. Really? I never would have thought of that at all. To me it's not the guy offering a "gift"; it's two parties deciding to go out to have a good time (hopefully) and see if they connect. I'm not a feminist but I just don't see why a man should have to pay my way. Generally I make more money than most men I have dated, so why would I expect him to pay? Having said that, I am usually up front about it. The first date is usually coffee so it's no big deal either way, and if it moves past that, I usually let him pay if he suggests the date and vice versa. And I bring it up in conversation before the date so there is no ambiguity (in a general sense). At least, that's what I have done so far.
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