1Jessie86 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 If I make triple the amount of money than the guy I am dating, should I feel obligated to pay every time we go out? We've been dating about 5 weeks. We're both in our 20s but I'm a few years older. He's working his way through school at a bagel shop while I just graduated college and am working in my new career. I don't mind paying but I don't want to hurt his ego. Maybe at least split the bill every time we go out? Opinions?
d0nnivain Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Let him pick up the tab at the cheaper places but for now given the income disparity you have the resources to treat more often. Be generous. Love / relationships can't be measured in money. 2
hudson701 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 I've never once had a woman offer to pay for me, even when they are earning much higher. I think I'd have a heart attack lol if it ever happenes, such is the entitlement and expectation of the typical vacuous, English woman.
Gary S Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Dating a starving student, huh?! Feel it out in the next couple of weeks, offer to help, split, pay, whatever you can do.
carhill Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 He can contribute and it doesn't always have to be monetary. The other side of that is, if he takes you on a date that he can afford, you have a choice regarding how you view that, and him.
Vintage79 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 After the first few dates (which you've already had), I'd probably step up and pay and not worry about it - at least if you want to do things that cost $$$. There are plenty of low cost dating options - he can spring for those, or can just step up every once in a while. When I start dating someone, I usually look at the cost splitting as a function of cost burden (i.e. fraction of disposable income after expenses) - I make over $200K/year, so even a $100+ dinner isn't a big deal - I still make sure that the ladies pay for stuff, but that can simply be in the form of paying for wine/beer when we're at her place, lunch, or whatever - just something to know that she's participating and trying and that it's not totally unidirectional. If the guy has ego problems and wants to pay, fine. If he then keeps dragging to expensive places, I'd simply chat with him, tell him that you're super happy just seeing him and that it doesn't need to be a big festivity...if you really like him, you'll try to make it easy for him and not financially crippling. 1
EgoJoe Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Until you're in a relationship it won't go over well. Instead plan dates and make it known that it's your treat.
fitnessfan365 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 I remember reading an article once that mentioned a 3;1 rule. Basically for every three dates a guy plans/pays for, a woman should plan/pay for one. So if you haven't asked him out for a date yet, initiate the planning. That way you can pay because it was your idea and it won't make him feel awkward. But this is where getting creative with dates comes in handy. Especially for a guy that's in a much lower income bracket. Over the years when I've had periods of being single I've researched fun/cheap date ideas and scouted locations. So now, I can end up spending less on ten dates than most guys would on 2 or 3. But since they're creative and fun, the monetary aspect is never an issue. Plus, when I do treat a woman I consider special to bigger dates, they mean that much more. Grander gestures aren't so grand if they happen regularly.
carhill Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 OP, I was just thinking of an example, though not in the dating realm, which exemplifies what I'm talking about. Occasionally, I will take my best friend and his wife out to dinner, somewhere I can afford (not McDonald's ) and he greatly values this kind of generosity. Why? Because everyone knows his situation and that he can cover everything every time and they often expect it. That's part of why we ended up the way we did over nearly 3 decades, because neither of us takes the other for granted, regardless of any apparent differences. In his case, he pays more taxes in one year than I'll earn in ten, so kind of like you earning triple of your current dating partner. I've also met women like yourself (who earned more than I did) and dated a few and, consistent with my generation, I always paid for the dates, though the ladies were very generous with other treats or fixing a wonderful meal at home or similar. However, in my generation, the women of my demographic were generally loathe to partner with a man who earned less than they did, whatever that was, so once those realities became apparent, they moved on. I viewed that as normal. The important thing IMO is synergy. If it feels balanced and positive, it likely is.
Leigh 87 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 After the first few dates (which you've already had), I'd probably step up and pay and not worry about it - at least if you want to do things that cost $$$. There are plenty of low cost dating options - he can spring for those, or can just step up every once in a while. When I start dating someone, I usually look at the cost splitting as a function of cost burden (i.e. fraction of disposable income after expenses) - I make over $200K/year, so even a $100+ dinner isn't a big deal - I still make sure that the ladies pay for stuff, but that can simply be in the form of paying for wine/beer when we're at her place, lunch, or whatever - just something to know that she's participating and trying and that it's not totally unidirectional. If the guy has ego problems and wants to pay, fine. If he then keeps dragging to expensive places, I'd simply chat with him, tell him that you're super happy just seeing him and that it doesn't need to be a big festivity...if you really like him, you'll try to make it easy for him and not financially crippling. I know men on 75 K jobs who always offer to pay for dinners out.. They believe in treating the lady to dinners out because they are generous with their money and enjoy spoiling women whom they are into. My friend and I don't date men who ask to go halves. Gifting and getting spoilt is our love language. However, we insist on paying for the meals and treating the guys once out of every four times. It would be a huge turn off if a guy earning 200 k a year asked a girl to go halves with mealsnout...... I'd immediately lose attraction since I can do better than a guy who isn't generous with his money and enjoys spoiling me. It isn't even that we are hopeless and not ambitious. We want to earn decent money and have great careers. It's just when it comes to DINNERS OUT that we like to be treated. As you can see, some women would find it a bit of a turn off if a guy wasn't able to treat us to cheep dates once a week. I'd totally date a broke guy I'm a working student too. But I prefer men who are generous with their money and who believe in treating ladies to dates It could be a free walk and cheap ice cream.... If he wanted to go halves with that I'd not see him again. But that's just because my love language is gifting and being treated and spoilt. It's a turn on when a man treats a woman. Even to a simple walk and a coffee. Or a walk and an ice cream. Just once a week...... My men then love how I insist on treating them 1/4 of the time and the lovely small and thoughtful gifts I regularly buy them..
fitnessfan365 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 It's a turn on when a man treats a woman. Even to a simple walk and a coffee. Or a walk and an ice cream. Just once a week...... My men then love how I insist on treating them 1/4 of the time and the lovely small and thoughtful gifts I regularly buy them.. You continue to be very sexy in your posts Leigh. As you say, it isn't the monetary value, just the gesture because that's how the male/female dynamic is supposed to work. Also, the fact that you pay once and awhile and think to do thoughtful gifts makes you good GF material IMO. I remember you saying you'd be a good GF to a guy, but now your actions actually back that claim up.
Gary S Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Generally, I tell men to pay for the dates. If she's a nice lady, she'll spring for the show/movie tickets once in awhile. The best ladies take turns. But everyone is confused on this issue, don't worry about it too much, don't make a mountain out of a molehill. But this woman is dating a starving student and makes 3 times what he does. I think it's great that she wants to help. Hey, when one of 'em is rich, they should pay. This is just common sense. It's shocking, I know 1
Mr.D.E.B.T. Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Starving college guys don't typically have ego's when it comes to paying for dates. He'll pick that up later when he starts making money....lol (jk). If he asks you out, let him pay, but pick up the tip. If you want to go somewhere expensive, let him know a few months in advance, so he can save for it.
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