silent treatment is torture

[Starks]

let's just skip the embarrasing part about what a huge a-hole I was. I was passive aggresive, selfish, needy and in the end downright mean and drove her away and have been given the silent treatment ever since. I bombarded her on just about every social media site there is for a while but took the hint when she hung up on me.

 

I've had time to really think about what an incredibly selfish a-hole I had been, so I sent her one last text telling her I realized how selfish I had been and didn’t deserve her forgiveness but I still liked her and hoped she was doing fine and that I was wiling to change. After this I went no contact (I had a few early slip ups. (Posting love songs and posting gloomy depressed pictures etc)

 

It’s been over a week since my apology and she’s still giving me the silent treatment, rightfully so, but I still think there’s a chance of her coming back around. We’re still FB friends (although she hasn’t opened the window and read my messages since this whole mess began), she still follows me on Instagram and twitter and she still sees mystory on snapchat and responds to stuff I post subliminally. Like I will post a picture of myself in a dark room with a gloomy caption and she will be all puffed up like a Disney princess on a picture with the caption "You can't bring me down!”. She also posts pictures of herself with random guys with captions like “My sweet boyfriend!” even though I can tell these are harmless friends. She even went back and changed the caption to “my friend” when this didn’t get a reaction from me. She posted a meme with some vague quote about love last night. My first impulse was to respond to this in some way but I decided not to (especially since I have no idea what she’s implying).

 

If all hope is lost, wouldn’t she just have blocked me and moved on? Why is she still playing games. The silent treatment really is torture cause I have no way of knowing if:

 

-she just needs time to forgive me

-she’s afraid she will lose the upper hand and I will start ignoring her back

-her girlfriends tells her not to give me another chance (they despise me lol)

-she just wants to torture me and is laughing at my pleas and calling me a pathetic stalker

-she has low self esteem and just wants to feel better from my validation

 

I’m going crazy thinking about this. All I know is that I do want to spend time with this girl and care for her very much. If she had responded and told me “NO” I would have walked away by now. But with her remaining silent I have no way of knowing. So here’s the plan, next week I’ve arranged to meet up with a really hot female friend of mine and go hiking. The girl I'm trying to win back always asked me if I wanted to go hiking. So if she sees me doing what we originally planned to do togheter with another gorgeous girl, will this finally force her to break no contact, asuming she still cares? I’m not talking about posting a dirty picture to make her jealous and hurt her feelings here, just a subtle hint of showing that I am ready to move on if she doesn’t start talking to me? I realize that this could go the other way, that maybe she is just about ready to start talking to me again but then she goes ahead and sees this and flips out.

 

This isn’t just about my ego, I DO miss the hell out of this girl and want a second chance. I have learned a lot about my own nasty habits from this so if I never get her back at least I will know what I did wrong and what I need to change about myself. I know for a fact that I will never ever punish someone with silence again as it really is torture.

 

Oh and this probanly goes without saying, but under no circumstances do I break NC again right? Not even by replying to her vague love memes by doing so myself? The ball is in her court after numerous apologies and pleas on just about every damn social media site there is.. right?

[AIJ]

The thing is, even if she does contact you, you'll be operating purely on emotions and chances are you're going to say something or do something wrong. 99.9% chance she isn't coming back, sorry to tell you buddy.

 

Don't look at no contact as a way of getting her back, use it to heal.

[Smokeshow]

Manipulation never works out well. You need to take a step back and keep away from her for some time. Once you have cleared your mind is when you can think logically about what you want and how to go about it. You're headed for a disaster the way you want to go about doing things right now.

[BC1980]

This sounds more like NC than the silent treatment. If you are broken up, then she is simply cutting ties with you and owes you no explanation. If your behavior was as bad as you claim, then I'm sure she wants nothing to do with you. When someone cuts you off, that's a last resort. She has probably given you many chances, and she's done at this point. There's nothing you can do to get her back.

 

Why does she keep that small window open? She probably gets a little ego boost from it, seeing that you are still interested. I'm sure it makes her feel good that you are still hung up on her. It's not healthy, but people do it all the time.

[mightycpa]

I have learned a lot about my own nasty habits from this

It sure doesn't sound like it:

 

So here’s the plan, next week I’ve arranged to meet up with a really hot female friend of mine and go hiking. The girl I'm trying to win back always asked me if I wanted to go hiking. So if she sees me doing what we originally planned to do togheter with another gorgeous girl, will this finally force her to break no contact, asuming she still cares? I’m not talking about posting a dirty picture to make her jealous and hurt her feelings here, just a subtle hint of showing that I am ready to move on if she doesn’t start talking to me?

 

Let me tell you why this won't work. I had an ex do this to me and I could see what she wanted in her eyes... her tell was all over her face. She looked pathetic in my eyes, and it just confirmed everything I already thought about her and more.

 

Anyway, you're still playing games. I don't see that ending soon.

[gnick]

I'm right there with you buddy only I have no social media interaction either.nothing. I've sent numerous texts emails just saying hi telling her what I'm up to etc and nothing. I still want the connection.just a hello once in awhile. I would rather spend a week hiking in the Klondike nude in December than have to go through this. To be honest I would probaby give just about anything to talk to her for 30 minutes or so

[No Limit]

This isn’t just about my ego

 

Yes, it is.

 

Your GF is using NC on you. Yes, you should go NC too and let her move on in peace, and you should also move on. If you've really realized that you were a bad BF, treat your next girl better but leave your past GF alone. And no, her not blocking you doesn't mean a thing. From what I see around bully pages in social networks even people who get flame messages don't block, for whatever reason.

[frigginlost]

So here’s the plan, next week I’ve arranged to meet up with a really hot female friend of mine and go hiking. The girl I'm trying to win back always asked me if I wanted to go hiking. So if she sees me doing what we originally planned to do togheter with another gorgeous girl, will this finally force her to break no contact, asuming she still cares? I’m not talking about posting a dirty picture to make her jealous and hurt her feelings here, just a subtle hint of showing that I am ready to move on if she doesn’t start talking to me? I realize that this could go the other way, that maybe she is just about ready to start talking to me again but then she goes ahead and sees this and flips out.

 

 

Without a doubt, this "idea" would hand her the largest hammer to put the largest nail in the largest coffin, ever.

 

You want to speak very loudly, and very clearly?

 

Be silent. Become a ghost.

[Simon Phoenix]

All sympathy I might have had for your plight disappeared here.

 

So here’s the plan, next week I’ve arranged to meet up with a really hot female friend of mine and go hiking. The girl I'm trying to win back always asked me if I wanted to go hiking. So if she sees me doing what we originally planned to do togheter with another gorgeous girl, will this finally force her to break no contact, asuming she still cares? I’m not talking about posting a dirty picture to make her jealous and hurt her feelings here, just a subtle hint of showing that I am ready to move on if she doesn’t start talking to me? I realize that this could go the other way, that maybe she is just about ready to start talking to me again but then she goes ahead and sees this and flips out.

 

What a horribly manipulative and self-centered plan. This shows that you haven't learned a thing, that you are the same individual she doesn't want to talk to at all right now. It's one thing to be lonely and want companionship of the opposite sex -- I get it. But to use someone else to play some sort of jealousy game is bs. It's more likely to confirm your ex's belief that you are bad news than to make her feel bad about what she gave up. By doing this, all you are doing is making yourself look like a chump. She knows what you are trying to do and she's going to think you're a douche for trying it. You are more likely to get her to block you outright than get her to come back to you.

 

As for why she might be looking at your social media, it's because she's curious as to what you're doing. That does not mean that she wants you back -- it likely means she's trying to wean herself off of you and that's an easy way to do it. I would guess as the weeks pass, she'll be checking up on you less and less.

 

But either way, stop trying to play games. Actually take your recovery seriously and work on yourself.

[Satu]

*So here’s the plan, next week I’ve arranged to meet up with a really hot female friend of mine and go hiking. The girl I'm trying to win back always asked me if I wanted to go hiking. So if she sees me doing what we originally planned to do togheter with another gorgeous girl, will this finally force her to break no contact, asuming she still cares? I’m not talking about posting a dirty picture to make her jealous and hurt her feelings here, just a subtle hint of showing that I am ready to move on if she doesn’t start talking to me?

Oh and this probanly goes without saying, but under no circumstances do I break NC again right? Not even by replying to her vague love memes by doing so myself? The ball is in her court after numerous apologies and pleas on just about every damn social media site there is.. right?

 

*Do you not realise that your 'plan' totally disrespects both of these women?

 

Cynically using people to get what you want in life is not a wise choice.

 

I'm wondering if this kind of behaviour is the reason your ex wanted to get away from you.

 

Is it?

[elaine567]

I was passive aggresive, selfish, needy and in the end downright mean and drove her away and have been given the silent treatment ever since. I bombarded her on just about every social media site there is for a while but took the hint when she hung up on me.

 

I've had time to really think about what an incredibly selfish a-hole I had been, so I sent her one last text telling her I realized how selfish I had been and didn’t deserve her forgiveness but I still liked her and hoped she was doing fine and that I was wiling to change. After this I went no contact (I had a few early slip ups. (Posting love songs and posting gloomy depressed pictures etc)

 

It’s been over a week since my apology and she’s still giving me the silent treatment, rightfully so, but I still think there’s a chance of her coming back around. ...

If all hope is lost, wouldn’t she just have blocked me and moved on? Why is she still playing games. The silent treatment really is torture cause I have no way of knowing if:

 

-she just needs time to forgive me

-she’s afraid she will lose the upper hand and I will start ignoring her back

-her girlfriends tells her not to give me another chance (they despise me lol)

-she just wants to torture me and is laughing at my pleas and calling me a pathetic stalker

-she has low self esteem and just wants to feel better from my validation

 

 

I guess

-she just doesn't want to have anything more to do with you.

Full stop.

You sound like you actually emotionally abused her and she will now be sighing a huge sigh of relief that you are out of her life.

 

Leave her alone, she has had enough of you, she doesn't deserve any more misery from you. Your "plan" is just more abuse.

Trouble is you may want to change, but if you go back to her you will eventually fall back into the same abusive rut with her.

 

Forget her and try and treat your next girl a bit better from the very beginning. Work out why you want to punish/abuse women in this way, I guess it may be to do with some insecurity on your part.

[sandrawg]

OMG you sound like my most recent ex..he played selfish, immature games like that. If this is your modus operandi, it's no wonder she doesn't want to be with you.

[Lorelai]

It’s been over a week since my apology and she’s still giving me the silent treatment...

 

<snip>

 

Oh and this probanly goes without saying, but under no circumstances do I break NC again right?

 

Be aware that there's something vaguely hypocritical about referring to an ex not speaking to you as "the silent treatment", when you are wanting to do the same but calling it "NC".

 

The whole passive-aggressive FB status/meme war is not good, either. If you don't want to defriend/block her, which would be the smarter thing, I recommend doing two things.

 

First, unsubscribe from her news feed. That way, what she posts doesn't show up on your home page. You'll actually have to go to her profile to see anything -- and if you can't stop yourself from looking at her page, it's a sign you really ought to defriend/block.

 

Second, put her either on the "Restricted" list, or make a custom list for her and her friends. Make all of your statuses default to "Friends, except ThatList". That way, you're not tempted to deliberately post about your sadness where she or her friends will see it -- again, you'd have to deliberately change the audience for your post if you wanted her to see it. The custom list will make it where it just looks like you aren't posting anything, but putting her on "Restricted" will make it where all your past posts disappear, too. And it's important to put her friends on the same list as you put her on, as if they see posts and tell her about them, she'll be aware she's been excluded.

 

If it sounds like a bunch of hassle, that's because it is -- and the best thing to do would be defriend/block.

 

But I have utilized the ability to limit the audience on my FB posts for many reasons. My coworkers, bosses, and clients were all on one list. The vast majority of them, along with my friends and family who were fairly conservative, were on another so they didn't have to see just how much of a flaming liberal I am (as my Granny always said, you don't talk about religion or politics in polite company). My postings default to exclude those two lists. I have another list that's more of an "opt-in" than an "opt-out" list that was made when I was going through some really rough times, and includes the people who I knew really cared about what I was going through and wanted progress updates. I also have several "online-only" friends in that list, from various support groups. If anything's really personal, I post the status update to that list only.

 

-------

 

There's a song by the Alan Parsons Project's "I Robot" album that I really love. It's called "Don't Let It Show". It's from the prospective of the dumper, but it really has a great message. Take their advice: "Even if you feel you've got nothing to hide, keep it inside of you. Don't give in, don't tell them anything... don't let it show."

 

There's no need for your ex to know you're depressed, or to know you're happy. They're your EX. They aren't going to feel guilty if you're sad, and they won't feel jealous if you are happy. And even if they did, that's playing games, which is totally not taking the high road.

 

We've all, at one point or another, have made these mistakes.

 

I cringe when I think of all the Google stalking I did after the guy I lived with for five years dumped me. Admittedly, it was how I learned he'd been cheating on me, which helped me stop feeling sorry for him (he'd said that he was just depressed as his reason for the breakup) and let me get in touch with my anger.

 

And I found out he certainly hadn't traded up -- she's older than me by a decade. She's either *far* more crazy than I am, or made a deliberate effort to fake crazy (badly, really -- she blogged about having multiple personalities, but some of it was straight out of "Sybil" and "When Rabbit Howls"), which still suggests she's crazier than I am. And then the part that broke my brain and made me stop the Google stalking... .she'd apparently done webcam shows in clown makeup that sometimes included bestiality with her dog. (I *wish* I was making that part up, but truth is stranger than fiction.)

 

But I still spent way too much time and effort on someone who didn't deserve that much energy being devoted to them (even though I never contacted her at all, or told him about the MPD or the dog, nor did I hack emails or anything -- it was all out there on Google). Posting depressing Facebook statuses so she can see them, or posting about doing new things with a new girl to make her jealous, is wasting energy that you could use to move on and have a happy life.

 

I promise you, it's not worth it.

[gnick]

Aren't you guys being a little hard on the guy. It's a little natural to want to make the person who dumped you feel a little of the pain you're feeling. I don't recommend you do that either but I understand wanting to. Just go hiking with this girl for yourself. Sounds fun to me

[BlackbirdSong]

Why don't you just try to start a new relationship with this super hot friend you're going hiking with? I would think that would be your best and most obvious option. Just don't mind**** her like you did your ex.

[Smokeshow]

A little hard on him, really? He admits to being passive aggressive, selfish, needy and in the end downright mean to her. Not sure about you but if anyone treated me that way I wouldn't want to hear from them again and the fact you're going to post your hike with some other girl to get a reaction out of her is very immature. If she even sees the post I'm sure she will be feeling very sorry for the other girl and hope to hell he doesn't ever hear from him again

Edited March 18, 2015 by Smokeshow

[gnick]

I was just referring to the desire to make the dumper hurt to not how he treated her in the relationship And I said he shouldn't do that

[Simon Phoenix]

Aren't you guys being a little hard on the guy. It's a little natural to want to make the person who dumped you feel a little of the pain you're feeling. I don't recommend you do that either but I understand wanting to. Just go hiking with this girl for yourself. Sounds fun to me

 

No, he deserves it because it's that bad of a plan. It's completely disrespectful to the girl and disrespectful to the ex. There's nothing wrong with him wanting to take a hike with someone, but advertising it on social media as a manipulative ploy is pretty douchey.

[Starks]

wow, you guys are really chopping my nuts off here. I guess that's my own fault for glossing over the part about what I did wrong. Let me clear things up. This was ONE FALLING OUT where I got pissed cause she canceled our plans and I reacted poorly. Not abuse that had been going on for months/years.

 

I got mad when she canceled, and tried to guilt trip her afterwards with a passive aggresive facebook update. It was pathetic yes, but it was a one time incident. It wasn't the first time she flaked on me and backed out of an agreement but obviously I'm not gonna focus on that right now cause the last thing you wanna do in a situation like this is to shift blame. From some of these replies you woulda though I was beating her and verbally abusing her on a regular basis. I would never lay a hand on her, nor lie to her, or cheat on her. And we never officially broke up, it was that one falling out and then silence.

 

As for the other girl I'm meeting up with, who the hell said anything about cynically using her? This is an old friend I've known for years. The hike is just as much about me moving on, occupying my mind with something else than moping around the house than it is about showing her that just like her, I can hang out with friends of the opposite sex. That's a win win. Just about every internet site and person tells me this is the best thing to do when you are heartbroken; Go out with friends, do stuff.

 

Did you guys also miss the part about her posting pictures of herself with other guys to try to get a reaction out of me? Especially since I initiated NC. So yeah, it mighta been immature of me to play her games but I'm definitely not gonna sit around the house waiting for her to finally call me.

[Simon Phoenix]

wow, you guys are really chopping my nuts off here. I guess that's my own fault for glossing over the part about what I did wrong. Let me clear things up. This was ONE FALLING OUT where I got pissed cause she canceled our plans and I reacted poorly. Not abuse that had been going on for months/years.

 

I got mad when she canceled, and tried to guilt trip her afterwards with a passive aggresive facebook update. It was pathetic yes, but it was a one time incident. It wasn't the first time she flaked on me and backed out of an agreement but obviously I'm not gonna focus on that right now cause the last thing you wanna do in a situation like this is to shift blame. From some of these replies you woulda though I was beating her and verbally abusing her on a regular basis. I would never lay a hand on her, nor lie to her, or cheat on her. And we never officially broke up, it was that one falling out and then silence.

 

As for the other girl I'm meeting up with, who the hell said anything about cynically using her? This is an old friend I've known for years. The hike is just as much about me moving on, occupying my mind with something else than moping around the house than it is about showing her that just like her, I can hang out with friends of the opposite sex. That's a win win. Just about every internet site and person tells me this is the best thing to do when you are heartbroken; Go out with friends, do stuff.

 

Did you guys also miss the part about her posting pictures of herself with other guys to try to get a reaction out of me? Especially since I initiated NC. So yeah, it mighta been immature of me to play her games but I'm definitely not gonna sit around the house waiting for her to finally call me.

 

You said you were posting pictures of it to make her jealous. No one cares if you go on a hike with her, but don't try to make it some sort of passive-aggressive dig at your ex.

 

And I don't care if she's being passive-aggressive with pictures toward you. First of all, you can't control how she acts, you can only control how you act. If she was on here, I'd tell her to cut it out too. Second of all, you shouldn't be snooping on her social media. The only way her passive-aggressive picture posting will be effective is if you slop it up, which you seem intent on doing. You should block her from social media -- not to punish her or not because you are mad, but for your peace of mind. If she really wants to talk to you, you blocking her on social media isn't going to stop her.

 

Either way, take a hike with whoever you want. But instead of taking pictures of her and pretending like you're moving on, take pictures of the scenery on the hike. Take the high road -- don't fight douchery with more douchery.

[Lorelai]

wow, you guys are really chopping my nuts off here.

 

I hope you actually read my post, because I was really trying not to "chop your nuts off", but to give you a serious answer.

 

Even if she's behaving badly, that's not an excuse for you to do so as well. Be the bigger person. We're only responsible for our own actions, not those of other people. If you unsubscribe from her news feed (which you can do without de-friending), it won't matter how many pictures she posts of herself with other guys. You won't have to see it. She can play all the games she wants, but you don't have to play along with her.

 

We've all been there. Taking the high road is not easy. It's extremely tempting to lash out when we're hurting, or to use another person's bad behavior to justify our own. That's *why* people recommend NC so strongly on forums like this -- if you don't talk to them, and don't hear about what's going on in their lives, you won't be tempted to lash out or manipulate them... and won't be manipulated by them, either.

 

As I said.... thinking about her is just wasting your time and energy, which you could use instead to get the best revenge of all -- living well.

[Starks]

You should block her from social media

 

So what if she's just about ready to initiate contact again and I do this and she gets hurt again?

 

You're supposed to give people space after an apology to show that you are sincere so blocking her cause she doesn't accept after a week feels wrong.

 

I guess patience is the only real answer here. I'll go on the hike and show her I am not depending on her to enjoy my life.

 

If my sole purpose was to make her jealous I woulda walked into the nearest pub and taken a bunch of pictures with random drunk girls lol

[Simon Phoenix]

So what if she's just about ready to initiate contact again and I do this and she gets hurt again?

 

You're supposed to give people space after an apology to show that you are sincere so blocking her cause she doesn't accept after a week feels wrong.

 

I guess patience is the only real answer here. I'll go on the hike and show her I am not depending on her to enjoy my life.

 

If my sole purpose was to make her jealous I woulda walked into the nearest pub and taken a bunch of pictures with random drunk girls lol

 

You shouldn't be showing her anything. The fact that you are trying to put up a production just makes you look like a chump. Go on a hike because you want to go on a hike, not to send a message. Don't play mind games or send messages -- that's weak, manipulative behavior. If I were her, I'd think you were a schmuck. Don't be a schmuck.

 

As for blocking, if you don't want to do the full block, at least block her stuff from appearing on your notifications and news feeds. You shouldn't be snooping on her; it doesn't do you any good. Either way, this whole creating a backstory for your ex thing you seem obsessed with is bad idea jeans. Just live your life and stop trying to project a false image.

[ZiggyZoo]

You're not NC at all. Posting things on social media with the knowledge that your ex is going to see them, then checking to see what her response is to them is contact. It's not direct, like texting or e-mails, but it IS contact. So snoop all you want, and be as passive-aggressive as you want, but don't kid yourself that you're NC in the slightest.

[AIJ]

You're not NC at all. Posting things on social media with the knowledge that your ex is going to see them, then checking to see what her response is to them is contact. It's not direct, like texting or e-mails, but it IS contact. So snoop all you want, and be as passive-aggressive as you want, but don't kid yourself that you're NC in the slightest.

 

This. Technically I'm only on Day 5 of No Contact, I used to constantly check her Twitter and post things on my Twitter that I know she'd be looking at, then watch for her response. I don't know why, really pathetic now that I think about it. But people go a little bit psycho after a break up, I guess.