Close to breaking NC

[Zahara]

All very normal. This is called grieving. Just as you experience the death of someone, an ending follows those same stages of grieving. I went from not eating and losing weight to eating everything in sight, just wanting to stay on the couch and sleep. You're probably experiencing some level of depression. But it is expected. You are making progress. You're feeling intense discomfort with your feelings that you want it to just go away. You need to stop telling yourself you feel like you are not progressing. Stop feeding with defeatist thoughts. When you think about not making progress, cut that out and say to yourself, "No, I am making progress. It's slow but it's getting me somewhere. Everyday I don't contact her is a little step in the right direction." Pump yourself up with positive affirmations. Don't woe is me around too much because you keep yourself stewing in negativity.

 

You keep going on and on about how you're stagnating. All you're doing is diminishing yourself.

 

And journal. Get out your thoughts about the reality of your relationship. Romanticizing her and what you had -- not helping.

 

And if she never validated you before, why do you need it now?

[smellysocksuni]

All very normal. This is called grieving. Just as you experience the death of someone, an ending follows those same stages of grieving. I went from not eating and losing weight to eating everything in sight, just wanting to stay on the couch and sleep. You're probably experiencing some level of depression. But it is expected. You are making progress. You're feeling intense discomfort with your feelings that you want it to just go away. You need to stop telling yourself you feel like you are not progressing. Stop feeding with defeatist thoughts. When you think about not making progress, cut that out and say to yourself, "No, I am making progress. It's slow but it's getting me somewhere. Everyday I don't contact her is a little step in the right direction." Pump yourself up with positive affirmations. Don't woe is me around too much because you keep yourself stewing in negativity.

 

You keep going on and on about how you're stagnating. All you're doing is diminishing yourself.

 

And journal. Get out your thoughts about the reality of your relationship. Romanticizing her and what you had -- not helping.

 

And if she never validated you before, why do you need it now?

 

I realise just how repetitive and annoying I'm being so thank you for your reply Zahara. I am so relieved to hear that this is normal, I genuinely feel/felt like I was losing it, in a way. I will practice positive affirmations - that's something I haven't practised before...I was also thinking about starting meditation, too. Externally - I don't really talk about this break to anyone, any more.. but yes. Every day NC is a step in the right direction.

 

As for the validation - I guess because this period of NC is the first time we actually haven't spoken since the break up... I don't know, I don't know why I need it! I guess I need to get my confidence up.

[Zahara]

I realise just how repetitive and annoying I'm being so thank you for your reply Zahara. I am so relieved to hear that this is normal, I genuinely feel/felt like I was losing it, in a way. I will practice positive affirmations - that's something I haven't practised before...I was also thinking about starting meditation, too. Externally - I don't really talk about this break to anyone, any more.. but yes. Every day NC is a step in the right direction.

 

You're not being annoying. This is a difficult process. It's understandable that you keep recycling these thoughts but you also have to start learning how to manage them.

 

Meditation is a great way to quiet the mind. It's hard in the beginning because your mind is always running in twenty different directions but you'll get into it as you go along. I started by pulling Youtube videos for some basic guidance and then started on my own. Or you could find a meditation meetup in your area -- good way to meet some like minded people.

 

As for the validation - I guess because this period of NC is the first time we actually haven't spoken since the break up... I don't know, I don't know why I need it! I guess I need to get my confidence up.

 

NC isn't about waiting for her validation. NC is about your need for self-preservation. Trust me, not hearing from her is a blessing. Contact will only mess with your head and send you down the rabbit hole.

[Jimmyjackson]

somebody posted this in another thread earlier, can't remember who but I found it interesting.

 

[Simon Phoenix]

I realise just how repetitive and annoying I'm being so thank you for your reply Zahara. I am so relieved to hear that this is normal, I genuinely feel/felt like I was losing it, in a way. I will practice positive affirmations - that's something I haven't practised before...I was also thinking about starting meditation, too. Externally - I don't really talk about this break to anyone, any more.. but yes. Every day NC is a step in the right direction.

 

As for the validation - I guess because this period of NC is the first time we actually haven't spoken since the break up... I don't know, I don't know why I need it! I guess I need to get my confidence up.

 

So you want to get confidence from the person who tore it away? Do you realize how ass-backwards and illogical that is? You need to figure out how to derive confidence in yourself, not plot at how to lick the feet of people who have wronged you.

 

That being said, this is the normal part of the breakup process. You delayed it by chasing after her like a puppy for validation, so don't make the same mistake twice. This whole thing is about you, not her. You and her are not a unit. You need to accept that. She's gone, she's out, and honestly -- that's a very good thing. You need to learn how to be your own person, to get your own happiness. This is a valuable lesson that will help you immensely going forward, even if it sucks to learn now.

[smellysocksuni]

So you want to get confidence from the person who tore it away? Do you realize how ass-backwards and illogical that is? You need to figure out how to derive confidence in yourself, not plot at how to lick the feet of people who have wronged you.

 

That being said, this is the normal part of the breakup process. You delayed it by chasing after her like a puppy for validation, so don't make the same mistake twice. This whole thing is about you, not her. You and her are not a unit. You need to accept that. She's gone, she's out, and honestly -- that's a very good thing. You need to learn how to be your own person, to get your own happiness. This is a valuable lesson that will help you immensely going forward, even if it sucks to learn now.

 

Sorry, I meant I need to get my confidence up so that I don't need validation from her, or from anyone.

 

I keep feeling like I made the biggest mistake of my life by losing her, but I keep trying to remember the bad parts, journalling, etc. I just wish it was over!!!

[Simon Phoenix]

Sorry, I meant I need to get my confidence up so that I don't need validation from her, or from anyone.

 

I keep feeling like I made the biggest mistake of my life by losing her, but I keep trying to remember the bad parts, journalling, etc. I just wish it was over!!!

 

How can it be a mistake you made if it wasn't your decision? Your mindset is wrong. Your goal is to evolve, improve, and make it HER worst mistake. But yeah, you saying you made a mistake implies that it was your call. It wasn't.

[smellysocksuni]

How can it be a mistake you made if it wasn't your decision? Your mindset is wrong. Your goal is to evolve, improve, and make it HER worst mistake. But yeah, you saying you made a mistake implies that it was your call. It wasn't.

 

My problem right now is the obsessive thoughts - I feel like I should be way ahead in my thinking but I'm still stuck at the 'self-blame' stage - I didn't treat her well enough, etc and that's why she left me.

 

I'm trying to deal with and contain this fleeting emotion I get from time to time where I compare myself to the person my ex is now head-over-heels for.

 

Logically, I understand that we're not all always perfect for each other. What another person thinks has nothing to do with us. Our self-worth, esteem, confidence should drive our self-image and ego.

 

But my heart is screaming out in pain. Why them and not me? What do they have that I don't? Why does she care so much more for them and than me? What is this rush of blood through my body and sinking stomach feeling I'm getting? Where did our love go wrong? What could I have done differently?

 

I'm working on it for the most part. But my mind just recycles these thoughts every day and to be honest, it's damn annoying.

[BlackbirdSong]

My problem right now is the obsessive thoughts - I feel like I should be way ahead in my thinking but I'm still stuck at the 'self-blame' stage - I didn't treat her well enough, etc and that's why she left me.

 

I'm trying to deal with and contain this fleeting emotion I get from time to time where I compare myself to the person my ex is now head-over-heels for.

 

Logically, I understand that we're not all always perfect for each other. What another person thinks has nothing to do with us. Our self-worth, esteem, confidence should drive our self-image and ego.

 

But my heart is screaming out in pain. Why them and not me? What do they have that I don't? Why does she care so much more for them and than me? What is this rush of blood through my body and sinking stomach feeling I'm getting? Where did our love go wrong? What could I have done differently?

 

I'm working on it for the most part. But my mind just recycles these thoughts every day and to be honest, it's damn annoying.

 

Bro, I'm in the exact same spot but where I'm different is that I treated her amazingly. I never did anything other than love her completely. I wasn't suffocating or abusive or even raised my voice to her. Yet she still left because I vented to her too much for a couple of weeks about my life and my job wasn't good enough for her. Like you I'm still having obsessive thoughts about what I could have done better or what I should have said, but I can't come up with anything. In reality, it doesn't even matter. She left, she didn't care enough. It's so hard for me to accept six weeks later. I just wanted to say I feel you man. We're in the same position.

[smellysocksuni]

Bro, I'm in the exact same spot but where I'm different is that I treated her amazingly. I never did anything other than love her completely. I wasn't suffocating or abusive or even raised my voice to her. Yet she still left because I vented to her too much for a couple of weeks about my life and my job wasn't good enough for her. Like you I'm still having obsessive thoughts about what I could have done better or what I should have said, but I can't come up with anything. In reality, it doesn't even matter. She left, she didn't care enough. It's so hard for me to accept six weeks later. I just wanted to say I feel you man. We're in the same position.

 

Well, I guess it makes no difference how you treat them, does it. If they want to leave, they'll leave. Have you been entire Nc for the six weeks or since you broke up?

[BC1980]

My problem right now is the obsessive thoughts - I feel like I should be way ahead in my thinking but I'm still stuck at the 'self-blame' stage - I didn't treat her well enough, etc and that's why she left me.

 

I'm trying to deal with and contain this fleeting emotion I get from time to time where I compare myself to the person my ex is now head-over-heels for.

 

Logically, I understand that we're not all always perfect for each other. What another person thinks has nothing to do with us. Our self-worth, esteem, confidence should drive our self-image and ego.

 

But my heart is screaming out in pain. Why them and not me? What do they have that I don't? Why does she care so much more for them and than me? What is this rush of blood through my body and sinking stomach feeling I'm getting? Where did our love go wrong? What could I have done differently?

 

I'm working on it for the most part. But my mind just recycles these thoughts every day and to be honest, it's damn annoying.

 

Recycling the thoughts if all part of the process. At a certain point, you move on from the thoughts. There are people who are still recycling thoughts from 20 years of previous hurt. Write down your thoughts, and realize that it's okay to feel this way. You need to get it all out there, so you can understand how you feel and why. But at a certain point, when the thoughts come up again, you have to tell yourself that you have dealt with these thoughts, and you have come to some understanding. You have been down this road, so it's no longer positive to sit and ruminate about any of it. I think all of this is really difficult to navigate on your own, and you need a counselor or the books I recommended. Who knows where I would be if I hadn't gotten help.

[smellysocksuni]

Recycling the thoughts if all part of the process. At a certain point, you move on from the thoughts. There are people who are still recycling thoughts from 20 years of previous hurt. Write down your thoughts, and realize that it's okay to feel this way. You need to get it all out there, so you can understand how you feel and why. But at a certain point, when the thoughts come up again, you have to tell yourself that you have dealt with these thoughts, and you have come to some understanding. You have been down this road, so it's no longer positive to sit and ruminate about any of it. I think all of this is really difficult to navigate on your own, and you need a counselor or the books I recommended. Who knows where I would be if I hadn't gotten help.

 

I have a counselling appointment on the 27th of next month, so I'm looking forward to that. If I'm honest, I'm starting to feel like I'm going mad. I don't know.

[BlackbirdSong]

Well, I guess it makes no difference how you treat them, does it. If they want to leave, they'll leave. Have you been entire Nc for the six weeks or since you broke up?

 

Yes I've been strict NC the past six weeks. I force myself not to snoop around because I KNOW I will get massively hurt if I see or hear of what I really suspect is going on. I'm in enough pain as it is.

[smellysocksuni]

Yes I've been strict NC the past six weeks. I force myself not to snoop around because I KNOW I will get massively hurt if I see or hear of what I really suspect is going on. I'm in enough pain as it is.

 

Good! Snooping is the worst. It doesn't do a damn thing other than hurt. This was all so easier before social media.

[OneBigIdgit]

social media does put such a stress on relationships. It causes problems for non-phone, non-touchy feely type of guys. We are expected to text or call way too much for my tastes. The GF feels ignored if you go an hour without texting.

 

 

Then in a situation like a broken relationship and you hope NC will at least make them miss you a bit, There are way too many ways for people to make contact with them and distract their possible thoughts of missing you

[BC1980]

I have a counselling appointment on the 27th of next month, so I'm looking forward to that. If I'm honest, I'm starting to feel like I'm going mad. I don't know.

 

You feel like you are going crazy because the breakup has probably shaken up your belief system about love and trusting others. It becomes about more than the person. For me, the person I could get over, but the real problem was that my beliefs had been shaken. I didn't trust myself or others anymore. I had anxiety over the fact that something I had come to trust and believe in could be gone in an instance. I had abandonment issues triggered.

 

I grieved a lot more than just him. I felt like I belonged when I was with him because I felt like we were a legitimate family. So when he left, I felt like that person I always had. The person who felt that she wasn't good enough or normal. You have to deal with all these things and whatever is specific to you. The breakup is just part of it.

[BC1980]

Good! Snooping is the worst. It doesn't do a damn thing other than hurt. This was all so easier before social media.

 

Snooping does nothing but trigger negative emotions. I snooped on my ex's fiance when I first found out they were together, and it did nothing but make me angry and disgusted. I've thought about snooping again, but what good would it do? It's a waste of time.

[BlackbirdSong]

I had anxiety over the fact that something I had come to trust and believe in could be gone in an instance. I had abandonment issues triggered.

 

I grieved a lot more than just him. I felt like I belonged when I was with him because I felt like we were a legitimate family. So when he left, I felt like that person I always had. The person who felt that she wasn't good enough or normal. You have to deal with all these things and whatever is specific to you. The breakup is just part of it.

 

I think I'm going to have to look into the possibility that I have abandonment issues as well. I've never really thought about that as an issue I have, but the depths of this loss (and a few others in the past) may be sending up flags.

[smellysocksuni]

You feel like you are going crazy because the breakup has probably shaken up your belief system about love and trusting others. It becomes about more than the person. For me, the person I could get over, but the real problem was that my beliefs had been shaken. I didn't trust myself or others anymore. I had anxiety over the fact that something I had come to trust and believe in could be gone in an instance. I had abandonment issues triggered.

 

I grieved a lot more than just him. I felt like I belonged when I was with him because I felt like we were a legitimate family. So when he left, I felt like that person I always had. The person who felt that she wasn't good enough or normal. You have to deal with all these things and whatever is specific to you. The breakup is just part of it.

 

It's everything. It's being single at 30, somehow having failed this AS WELL as not having a career, being in debt, not having any close friends, losing a parent, everything. I project my feelings onto her thinking she must be thinking about me but she isn't. Not at all.

 

I don't have anyone, and this just reinforces it all.

[BlackbirdSong]

It's everything. It's being single at 30, somehow having failed this AS WELL as not having a career, being in debt, not having any close friends, losing a parent, everything. I project my feelings onto her thinking she must be thinking about me but she isn't. Not at all.

 

I don't have anyone, and this just reinforces it all.

 

You're not alone. Try being 37 in the same situation (minus losing a parent - sorry for your loss).

[OneBigIdgit]

ok guys. If you do this right, the ages of 30 or 37 won't be a fear factor for you. My 1st divorce from my wife, I was 27 and though the divorce hurt like hell, I still knew I could find someone else. The ex and I got back together 2 months after the divorce was final. Her rebound fizzled and she came running back(after I told her that I never wanted to see her again). The 2nd time she divorced me, I was 42. I thought it was the end of the world. I was left thinking who is going to want me at this age. Her 2nd rebound fizzled after a year or so and then she married another guy quickly for 3 yrs. THEN she tried to come back to me. I turned her down because I was having a blast as a single guy.

 

 

At 42, I took my anger out on myself. I worked out ALOT. I got buff, learned to dance really well and went dancing 3 nights a week if I could find a live band. After a couple of months of this, I was in the best shape of my life. I remember being outside of my job one sunny day and marveling that no way a guy 44 years old should feel this good. If I can do that at 42, you guys at 30 and 37 can look like Olympic athletes in 3 months. Take your hurt and anger out on yourselves. I don't go to a gym. I'm shy so I did all this exercise by working out with 2.5 and 5 lb weights at home and push ups and inventing ways to exercise at work while getting paid for it. I did thousands of push ups. I'd be dancing with a woman and had several ask me if they could just lay their head on my chest. All that anger at being left was put to good use.

 

 

Now I'm an ex again at 55 3/4. I'm not in terrible shape. Just bad shape. I did start the old workout process again a few days back but I don't have the anger that I felt back then. Just the hurt. But anything helps take you mind off of them and I'll go dancing more often.......

 

 

Life is just starting for you young guns. I found out how great life can be at 42, even if you are single again. I had about an average of 1 relationship a year until this ex came along. I never tried to get serious and most of them lasted a couple of months. This one came along and looked just right, chased me just right and added a HUGE amount of nice to my life. She wanted a wedding quickly(haven't figured out why) and she gave me roughly 21 months to get it done and I didn't so she is gone and engaged to somebody else about 20 days after breaking up with me.

[BC1980]

It's everything. It's being single at 30, somehow having failed this AS WELL as not having a career, being in debt, not having any close friends, losing a parent, everything. I project my feelings onto her thinking she must be thinking about me but she isn't. Not at all.

 

I don't have anyone, and this just reinforces it all.

 

I was 32 when my ex left me, and I felt like a failure. Most of the people around me were married with kids, and, here I was, single, no kids, had to move back in with my parents because I had foolishly been living with him, had alienated friends and family to spend time with him. I had never felt lower in my entire life. I also had a lot of other issues. Being a people pleaser, having no boundaries.

 

The entire breakup opened up a can of worms, but I knew I had to deal with the issues if I truly wanted to move on. Otherwise, you never really move on from the person, and you stay stuck in the same old patterns and negative thought patterns. Before this, my method for moving on involved either finding someone else or running from my feelings.

[BlackbirdSong]

She wanted a wedding quickly(haven't figured out why) and she gave me roughly 21 months to get it done and I didn't so she is gone and engaged to somebody else about 20 days after breaking up with me.

 

This IS my greatest fear. My ex wanted to get married so bad, but I'm not financially ready yet and she couldn't/wouldn't wait.....so she left. I fear that she's going to run out and find the first financially stable guy and get married.

 

Thank you for your post. I've been a workoutaholic since I was 14, so there really isn't any more working out I can do on top of what I do now (gym 4-5 times a week, MMA 3-4 a week).

[BC1980]

ok guys. If you do this right, the ages of 30 or 37 won't be a fear factor for you. My 1st divorce from my wife, I was 27 and though the divorce hurt like hell, I still knew I could find someone else. The ex and I got back together 2 months after the divorce was final. Her rebound fizzled and she came running back(after I told her that I never wanted to see her again). The 2nd time she divorced me, I was 42. I thought it was the end of the world. I was left thinking who is going to want me at this age. Her 2nd rebound fizzled after a year or so and then she married another guy quickly for 3 yrs. THEN she tried to come back to me. I turned her down because I was having a blast as a single guy.

 

 

At 42, I took my anger out on myself. I worked out ALOT. I got buff, learned to dance really well and went dancing 3 nights a week if I could find a live band. After a couple of months of this, I was in the best shape of my life. I remember being outside of my job one sunny day and marveling that no way a guy 44 years old should feel this good. If I can do that at 42, you guys at 30 and 37 can look like Olympic athletes in 3 months. Take your hurt and anger out on yourselves. I don't go to a gym. I'm shy so I did all this exercise by working out with 2.5 and 5 lb weights at home and push ups and inventing ways to exercise at work while getting paid for it. I did thousands of push ups. I'd be dancing with a woman and had several ask me if they could just lay their head on my chest. All that anger at being left was put to good use.

 

 

Now I'm an ex again at 55 3/4. I'm not in terrible shape. Just bad shape. I did start the old workout process again a few days back but I don't have the anger that I felt back then. Just the hurt. But anything helps take you mind off of them and I'll go dancing more often.......

 

 

Life is just starting for you young guns. I found out how great life can be at 42, even if you are single again. I had about an average of 1 relationship a year until this ex came along. I never tried to get serious and most of them lasted a couple of months. This one came along and looked just right, chased me just right and added a HUGE amount of nice to my life. She wanted a wedding quickly(haven't figured out why) and she gave me roughly 21 months to get it done and I didn't so she is gone and engaged to somebody else about 20 days after breaking up with me.

 

That's great advice. I think we really dwell on the age thing too much, and I'm still trying to work on my issues with that. The good news is that everyone is scared of dating and is worried they are too old. We are all in the same boat.

 

Wow, your ex is engaged 20 days after breaking up with you. That sound nutso and must be a new record.

[OneBigIdgit]

This IS my greatest fear. My ex wanted to get married so bad, but I'm not financially ready yet and she couldn't/wouldn't wait.....so she left. I fear that she's going to run out and find the first financially stable guy and get married. .

 

 

 

 

mine first brought up marriage on the 3rd time we hung out together. Really hadn't been on a date yet. Asked if I could see myself married to her. I was very very attracted to her and the question shocked me. I stammered out a yeah, I could see that happening somewhere down the road. She asked how far? I said well, marriage is the one thing that I won't do quickly. I said no sooner than 6 months. Every time I got around her mother, mother would say, so you can see yourself married to her at about 6 months???? Id say, no I said it wouldn't happen sooner than that. I hadn't put a date on it. You can believe they let me know when we hit that 6 month mark. Then again her sister in law cornered me about it at 15 months.

 

 

One of these days I'm going to go talk to her most recent ex hubby before me and see if he knows why they wanted a quick wedding so badly.

My ex had been married 4 times. 2 times to her 1st hubby so I've been told that that only counts as 1. That's why I said she'd already acquired 3 weddings. Oh, she told me that she wanted a big white wedding. Lol I told her no way she was going to get that out of me on her 4th wedding