Kate22192 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Hi. Some of you might remember be reeling over a breakup last January. Fastforward, last May I met someone new and we started officially dating the beginning of June. After about 10 months of dating, he broke up with me on Monday. I'm completely devastated, and don't know if I should seek professional help. It started with an argument I initiated via text. I was frustrated that this upcoming weekend (we only see each other on weekends), his schedule changed and he would be working most of it. He kept telling me this is just the way it is, he can't change it, what do I want him to say. Pissed off and just venting, I made comments like, "Well your boss better change your schedule back because maintaining a relationship like this would be really hard." He would say "Babe please don't worry." I'd reply, "Just being real." A phone call happened then. We were arguing over that, and over how I am always pushing him to get another job. The restaurant he works at pays meh, $13/hour, how do you live on that? And because it's tiny, if shifts need covering, he has no choice. I push him because I know he can be better and do better and it'll make life for him and US better; he could get health insurance, etc. He started talking about how, maybe even if we love each other, we're not a total match, not compatible. How maybe I need someone who is more goal driven and energetic, and not him. I started crying at this point. We are very different people, yes, but we can work with that. I was just mad and venting in the moment. He also brought up how my anxieties are constantly dumped on him but I'm not able to deal with his problems. I have an anxiety disorder and it's true, he's right, I let it all out on him and I'm not as good at being patient with his problems. This then traversed into him saying that he's just in such a bad state of mind right now, a hole, that he knows he's not making me happy, or only makes me happy in "clips." I explained that this is sometimes true, but I love him, and I want to stick by him. He wouldn't have this, and claimed he sees me unhappy and this makes him even worse, and he needs to be alone so he can make himself happy without relying on me. I'm so ****ing hurt, so confused. He made it very clear this is an indefinite breakup. But if it was just that "he's not in a good place," why would it be indefinite? This makes me think he just latched onto that as the main reason, when in reality he has BEEN stewing about our compatibility and my lack of patience with his mental issues despite his patience with mine. I feel like I ****ed up royally. I'm in love with him. There was also a comment that he loves me but might not be able to be "in love," whatever that means. It's starting to feel like I just lost "the one that got away." He treated me amazingly. Yes, we had our differences, but I've never had comfort like I had with him. Sexually, he was the most understanding, caring, and empathetic person. For the past three days I've done nothing by cry my eyes out, even at work. I'm completely miserable. Help. Please. Somebody, end this pain. 1
Satu Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Sometimes we have to endure pain whilst it gradually lessens. Here is something I wrote for myself and put into practice. I hope that some of it will be helpful to you. ***************************************************** 1. You're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce. 2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps. 3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right. 4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person. 5. Tell yourself frequently that you can and will love again. 6. Take care of your body: Eat enough and eat healthily. Drink enough water. Thats at least 1.5 litres a day for a female. Get a bit more rest than you think you need. If you can't sleep, just lie down. Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous. If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor. 7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn. 8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media. 9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do. 10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate. 11. Post here as often as you want to. People here want to help. 2
Haydn Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Sometimes we have to endure pain whilst it gradually lessens. Here is something I wrote for myself and put into practice. I hope that some of it will be helpful to you. ***************************************************** 1. You're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce. 2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps. 3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right. 4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person. 5. Tell yourself frequently that you can and will love again. 6. Take care of your body: Eat enough and eat healthily. Drink enough water. Thats at least 1.5 litres a day for a female. Get a bit more rest than you think you need. If you can't sleep, just lie down. Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous. If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor. 7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn. 8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media. 9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do. 10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate. 11. Post here as often as you want to. People here want to help. It can`t be put better than this. You may slip a few times with NC but you will do it. 1
BlackbirdSong Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 A phone call happened then. We were arguing over that, and over how I am always pushing him to get another job. The restaurant he works at pays meh, $13/hour, how do you live on that? And because it's tiny, if shifts need covering, he has no choice. I push him because I know he can be better and do better and it'll make life for him and US better; he could get health insurance, etc. This sounds exactly like what happened to me. I've kinda gone through a funk employment-wise and while I do have a job, it's just not cutting it. My ex always pushed me to get multiple jobs. Once of the reasons she said she left was because she wished that I was "more ambitious". At least you were willing to work it out, my ex didn't want to. She wants a man who is financially stable right now so they can get married, buy a house, and have kids. Maybe your bf was feeling the same kind of pressures. He also brought up how my anxieties are constantly dumped on him but I'm not able to deal with his problems. I have an anxiety disorder and it's true, he's right, I let it all out on him and I'm not as good at being patient with his problems. My ex has a severe anxiety disorder and when I felt that I had to vent, she just couldn't take it anymore. She is extremely impatient. This then traversed into him saying that he's just in such a bad state of mind right now, a hole, that he knows he's not making me happy, or only makes me happy in "clips." I explained that this is sometimes true, but I love him, and I want to stick by him. He wouldn't have this, and claimed he sees me unhappy and this makes him even worse, and he needs to be alone so he can make himself happy without relying on me. I was in a bad place as well and I could see that I was making my ex unhappy. I tried as much as possible to distance my problems from her, but she constantly felt them. She said she couldn't see me struggle anymore because it would hurt her and make her cry, so she had to leave. I did (and still do) feel a lot of guilt by putting her through that (even though I tried to hide my struggles from her as much as possible). Give your bf the space he needs to settle his life. He's not going to run looking for other girls. It seems like he has enough on his plate already to figure out. He'll be back stronger and more secure if you two decide to get back together. 3
Author Kate22192 Posted March 18, 2015 Author Posted March 18, 2015 Thank you all for your advice. Satu, that is a wonderful list you've compiled and I'll try my best to follow it. BlackbirdSong, wow, our circumstances do sound similar. Unfortunately, I fear that holding on to hope that "he'll get better and come back" could just end up hurting me. In his lonely times, I know he's had a past of jumping into a next relationship quickly, even if it isn't right and he is not ready. I fear that this will happen, and not only will it devastate me, but put us even farther apart. Even if he is in a bad place, I know I am too. My anxiety disorder is very bad, I always placed it on him to deal with, I am not patient, I can be selfish, and I do not have high regard for myself. I've decided I would like to try out therapy, starting soon, both to help me through this breakup and help me cope with my anxiety and learn to love myself. If he comes back someday, maybe we'll both be in a better place and able to work together. If he doesn't, which I don't think he will, I guess I just have to suck it up. Move on and tell myself I'll do better next time. But GOD, I miss him so badly and keep feeling like he's the one that got away :'''( 1
BlackbirdSong Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 But GOD, I miss him so badly and keep feeling like he's the one that got away :'''( I have the exact same feelings. 1
Author Kate22192 Posted March 18, 2015 Author Posted March 18, 2015 I have the exact same feelings. Interesting how we're on slightly opposite sides though. I chose to stick by him and he wouldn't have it, but yours chose to leave even though you wanted her to stay. This stuff hurts real bad, friend. If it's any support, I suppose we're struggling together. 2
BlackbirdSong Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Interesting how we're on slightly opposite sides though. I chose to stick by him and he wouldn't have it, but yours chose to leave even though you wanted her to stay. This stuff hurts real bad, friend. If it's any support, I suppose we're struggling together. Her high anxiety has always made her the "runner". When she gets stressed out, she disappears to avoid facing the issues. Like a moron, I accepted that and tried to be understanding. In the back of my head I'm hoping this breakup is just another one of her "running moments" and she'll be back, but 1) I don't think so this time, and 2) that thought is really delaying my healing. Easier said than done though. 1
Author Kate22192 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Posted March 19, 2015 I completely agree. We're desperately hoping they'll just "come back," right? That's the hardest thing for me; accepting that this is reality.
Satu Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Anxiety is a problem than can respond very well to certain kinds of self-help methods. It's a pity you don't have private messaging enabled yet, as I'd be very happy to give you some things to try.
Author Kate22192 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Posted March 19, 2015 Satu, I can't seem to figure out how to turn it on?
Satu Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Satu, I can't seem to figure out how to turn it on? From the site FAQ: I'm a new member. Why don't I have access to Private Messages? "In an effort to prevent accounts being registered for the sole purpose of sending spam and as a way of clarifying the role of private messages on our site, we have elected to disable the use of private messages for members who have not established a presence on the site by participating in the public forums over an extended period of time. Access to the private messaging facilities of the site are determined based on the length of membership and the number of posts contributed to the public forums. We believe that the power of our site lies in the vast array of opinions and insights received from many different people and feel that private messaging regarding interpersonal relationships does not have a place in that formula. We strongly discourage the use of private messages and remind all of our members that there are genuine safety and privacy concerns when contacting someone privately off and on our site."
Author Kate22192 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Posted March 19, 2015 Oh jeez, guess I can't use it. You can feel free to put things here? I really don't mind.
Satu Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Oh jeez, guess I can't use it. You can feel free to put things here? I really don't mind. I can post this little exercise here. It's very simple, but also very useful. 1. Sit down in a dining chair, or other upright chair. 2. Close your eyes, and let your attention come to your body. Let your attention wander around your body, just noting any sensations you feel. You may feel anything. Itching, hot, cold, tight, heavy, relaxed etc. Just notice any sensation. 3. Notice your breathing. Don't try to breathe in any particular way, just notice your breathing. 4. Bring your attention to the heart area, and let it rest there for few moments. You might like to put your hand over your heart for a moment. 5. Slowly, open and close your eyes 2 - 3 times, and then leave them open, stand up, and go about your business. NB: It should take you no more than 3 - 4 minutes to do this. If you enjoy it, do it twice a day. If you don't enjoy it, don't do it ************************************************** Anxiety has a very strong physical component. It does things to your heart rate, breathing etc. This exercise is about being with your body and just listening to it. It forms a foundation for other exercises. If you try it, let me know how it goes. All the best, Satu. 1
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 OP, I feel your pain. But, you've done & said some things that can't be undone. Your ex has made his decision, and now you have to make yours and stick to it - as difficult as it is. You've learned a tough (and sad) life lesson. Each relationship and interaction we have with another human being is an experience that we can learn from and apply to future situations with regard to dating and relationships. Blackbirdsong, you're right when you said that your waiting for her is delaying your healing. I know this from personal experience. What I've gleaned from that experience is that - no matter how much we love someone and regardless of how right we think we are for that person - if they make the conscious decision to LEAVE US, they have done so for a reason; and us waiting around for them to return or to change their mind about us only hinders our healing and our progress with regard to the rest of our life. Allowing your emotions to escape at times and to feel the pain will allow your heart to HEAL and to go through the stages of grief until you reach the stage of indifference towards them and healing within your heart, soul and emotions. I wish the both of you the best. . 1
Author Kate22192 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Posted March 19, 2015 Satu, thank you for that exercise. I'll try that out tonight and let you know how it goes! enigma32 and BlackOpsZombieGirl, I know. Now only after it is over do I reflect back and realize I took him for granted. Now I see that I was too selfish, not patient, not willing to just LISTEN the way he always did for me. Yes, he had his issues and problems too, but I'm stuck feeling like this is more so my fault and now there's nothing I can do. How am I supposed to get over feeling like I just RUINED one of the best things that's ever happened to me?? :'( 1
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