thefilmguy24 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 I have a question that I need answered. I’ve been with my GF for 4 wonderful years. I love very much but there is something that does bother me. She has never given me words of encouragement. I know she loves me and cares about me, but if I have a bad and I vent about things she gives me advice that’s well deserved but I never get any words of encouragement that she believes in me and I can do it. When she has a bad day or something that bothers her or she’s stressed out I encourage her that it will be better and she can do. I do this because I know she can get through whatever she’s going through or she can achieve what she’s striving for. I never get that from her. I know it sounds like I’m selfish or I’m expecting something from her but I just want to know that she believes in me and that I can be successful. If she did, it would boost me up and make me believe in myself a lot more because I have someone on my side that says that I can. Am I wrong to feel this way? How do I approach her about this since it bothers me? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Toodaloo Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 You sit her down and you tell her how you would really like her to believe in you and give you those words of encouragement. We human beings are funny creatures in that most of the time we have no clue until someone points it out. Once its been pointed out we normally enjoy the freedom to do those things as well. She may well think that you would have a negative reaction if she turned round and said "Your fantastic I know you can do it". I know of someone who always used to hold doors open for people until someone screamed and shouted at him for doing it. Now he doesn't... your girlfriend may have had the same experience. 1
preraph Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Well, just ask her. Do you believe in me? Since it's not her personality to say these things (too mushy maybe?), just ask her. Say "Do you think I'm capable of doing that?" See if she jumps in and says "Oh, of course" or if she says, "Ehhh, I don't know." I think it's just her style. It just may be too mushy for her or something.
toolforgrowth Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 The real question is, "How badly does it bother you?" Enough to end the relationship? Or not enough to make it worth fighting over? I'd wager that it does bother you a fair amount, since you took the time to post on it seeking advice here. A partner is expected to support you emotionally. If you're not getting that support, talk to her about it. If she blows you off, consider ending the relationship and move on.
Quiet Storm Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 I don't think you should take this personally. It's likely she grew up in a home without much encouragement or did not see her parents give encouragement to each other. The environment we are raised in plays a big part in what comes naturally to us- a person who was raised in a home with parents who encouraged her and each other will naturally offer encouragement to others. However, it often doesn't come naturally to a person who was raised in a home without encouragement. It may even feel uncomfortable for her to offer encouragement, so you may need to tell her exactly what you need and what your expectations are.
Author thefilmguy24 Posted March 18, 2015 Author Posted March 18, 2015 I don't think you should take this personally. It's likely she grew up in a home without much encouragement or did not see her parents give encouragement to each other. The environment we are raised in plays a big part in what comes naturally to us- a person who was raised in a home with parents who encouraged her and each other will naturally offer encouragement to others. However, it often doesn't come naturally to a person who was raised in a home without encouragement. It may even feel uncomfortable for her to offer encouragement, so you may need to tell her exactly what you need and what your expectations are. You may be right because her family is never encouraging to each other but they do support each other. Just not with words. She comes from a traditional Filipino background and they don't really express their feelings all that well but they do love and care for each other but they show it in action than in words. 1
gaius Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Whenever I see a girl offering lot's of encouragement to a guy it's been because she thinks he's weak. And would never want to sleep with him. Be careful what you wish for.
Gloria25 Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 I don't think you should take this personally. It's likely she grew up in a home without much encouragement or did not see her parents give encouragement to each other. The environment we are raised in plays a big part in what comes naturally to us- a person who was raised in a home with parents who encouraged her and each other will naturally offer encouragement to others. However, it often doesn't come naturally to a person who was raised in a home without encouragement. It may even feel uncomfortable for her to offer encouragement, so you may need to tell her exactly what you need and what your expectations are. I agree to a point.... I grew up in a home where you not only got no encouragement, but my dad would berate you if you tried to improve yourself. Several of my siblings never finished high school and I am the first to go and finish college out of my immediate relatives. One day, I was having trouble in a high school history class and asked my dad for help. He said 'study harder'. Well, I taught myself how to study and graduated top 10% in a school where the classes were in Spanish. I literally had to walk around with a bilingual dictionary. But, despite my upbringing and status as a recovering Feminist, I learned real quick that men need us women to be their support. If your gf hasn't learned such of a concept, "maybe, maybe" have a sit down with her, but watch how you explain it cuz while I get where you are coming from, she may perceive you as needy (thank the women's movement for that). Or, you can get her a book from Dr. Laura and see if she dumps or reads it. BTW, I bet she doesn't cook, clean, and or bring you a coffee, drink, tea, etc? I wouldn't be surprised. Lots of guys don't know what qualities a good woman (mind you, I said "woman") and/or wife should have. As long as she has a cute face and smile, then that's all some guys need I guess.
Author thefilmguy24 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Posted March 19, 2015 I agree to a point.... I grew up in a home where you not only got no encouragement, but my dad would berate you if you tried to improve yourself. Several of my siblings never finished high school and I am the first to go and finish college out of my immediate relatives. One day, I was having trouble in a high school history class and asked my dad for help. He said 'study harder'. Well, I taught myself how to study and graduated top 10% in a school where the classes were in Spanish. I literally had to walk around with a bilingual dictionary. But, despite my upbringing and status as a recovering Feminist, I learned real quick that men need us women to be their support. If your gf hasn't learned such of a concept, "maybe, maybe" have a sit down with her, but watch how you explain it cuz while I get where you are coming from, she may perceive you as needy (thank the women's movement for that). Or, you can get her a book from Dr. Laura and see if she dumps or reads it. BTW, I bet she doesn't cook, clean, and or bring you a coffee, drink, tea, etc? I wouldn't be surprised. Lots of guys don't know what qualities a good woman (mind you, I said "woman") and/or wife should have. As long as she has a cute face and smile, then that's all some guys need I guess. She does cook, clean and all that stuff. She actually is a great partner besides te that fact thative stated. I think it's just the way she is by not expressing her feelings. I guess I shouldnt take it personal and just let her know how I feel.
Toodaloo Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Whenever I see a girl offering lot's of encouragement to a guy it's been because she thinks he's weak. And would never want to sleep with him. Be careful what you wish for. I am afraid I disagree with this completely. In my family we always encourage each other. I'll admit when it comes to my brother its normally to break a leg or something equally stupid. But if one of us wants to do something we really get behind them and tell them to go for it. Just talk to her about it. For all you know she may have the same view as gaius...!
gaius Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 I am afraid I disagree with this completely. In my family we always encourage each other. I'll admit when it comes to my brother its normally to break a leg or something equally stupid. But if one of us wants to do something we really get behind them and tell them to go for it. Just talk to her about it. For all you know she may have the same view as gaius...! That's probably why you're so turned off by your cousin. You've had to give him way too much encouragement.
Gloria25 Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 That's probably why you're so turned off by your cousin. You've had to give him way too much encouragement. It's "how" you say it. I go through this a lot with my relatives - especially the male ones. I am very tactful in my approach and words to them. They are not "little boys" and last thing I want them to do is feel weak. On Sex in the City, Charlotte's first husband - the doctor who had the odd connection to his mommy - were having lunch with his mother and I quickly picked up how his "mum" exercised some of her influence on him. He was trying to decide what salad to order and his mum gently put her hand on his hand and said 'you should try the X'. AND THAT'S how you talk to a man. You use your femininity and tact in your delivery. Going back to "Little Children", when Jennifer spoke to Patrick, it was like she was talking to a child - not a husband/man. There was a scene where he was "asking" if he could buy a celphone and gosh, the way she was talking to him "I" felt embarrassed for him.
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