sandrawg Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 I lived with my ex bf for over 2 years. We had compatibility issues--he was a slob..I'm neat. He ate horribly. I don't. He never exercised or really took care of himself. I started to feel more like a mother than a gf. He was 39 going on 18. I also felt like he was up to shady things online..I won't go into all the ways Facebook caused problems between us. I left him last June and moved to a different city. He was really upset and kept trying to get me to go see him, so I did. We ended up having sex. He told me he wasn't looking for anyone and made me beleve we could "reboot"..still see each other while we work on our own issues. Well, based on a weird hunch I had, I checked the dating site where we met..and there was his profile. Active and online the very next day. What followed was a mess, where he lied to me about why he was on there, and I just stopped contacting him. In September, he came back round again thru email wanting to work things out. We talked intensively..cried..apologized..made plans to get couples counseling..agreed to get rid of the people we'd been dating. Well, he didn't get rid of this one girl. He put her off by saying he was sick. Not just sick, but..pneumonia. She showed up at his house, worried. I should've walked away THEN. He talked me into staying. I tried. I really did. But the trust was just, GONE. There was more Facebook shadiness...also, I had helped him get this DJ gig, and he ended up, after a really bad fight we had over him seeming to need a lot of attention from other women, FLIRTING with some girl at 2 of the parties where he DJ'd. I had to find out about it from someone else. It's a long story I won't go into, but he basically invited some girl home with him, along with a couple other guys who he didn't want to have to drive a long distance..she couldn't do it because she had to give someone else a ride home. You'd think I would walk away THEN, right? No, I had made an appt to see a couples counselor with him. I told him, if you don't QUIT these DJ gigs, I'm canceling the appt. He refused to quit. How many more signs do I need, that this guy really doesn't care about me? I am FINALLY walking out of his life, but not before sending him many text messages telling him, I can't believe he is doing this...I know he wanted to work things out because he begged me not to cancel the therapy appt. But there is NO WAY I am going to invest time into him, if he's still doing this DJ gig. I have to leave with my dignity intact--or what remains of it. I guess, I wish I was more like people who seem to be able to go "that person is just an a-hole, and I am better off without him/her.." and walk away free and clear. I am still really depressed, hurt, upset...wishing things were different. it's like somewhere deep inside I'm having trouble accepting that he's a giant douchebag, in my heart. There comes a point where, you want to work things out with someone but they have SO abused their chances, that you'll feel like too much of an idiot if you continue. That's the point I got to with him. I just wish I didn't still have feelings for him, because he doesn't deserve it. I need to make the feelings go away. They hurt too much.
Michelle ma Belle Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 (edited) First, I'm so sorry to hear of your heartbreak. No one deserves to be treated in such a disrespectful way. Hugs to you. Second, you must realize that this is still a very open wound right now. Of course it's going to hurt like hell. I don't know you but from the way you described yourself you're a very loving, nurturing and forgiving person who wants to believe in love and happily-ever-afters. There is no shame in that! You're barely out of that relationship so it will take time to heal and feel like yourself again. Take comfort knowing that you're not alone. I think most women end up here at some point in their lives and in some variation. We want to believe that we're worthy of great love and happiness and if we just tried a little harder again and again and...we will finally get was we deserve. Unfortunately, what usually happens is that we end up hanging out in this limbo state where we stay WAY too long in these toxic merry-go-round relationships with men who don't appreciate us until we second guess everything including ourselves. You're not alone my friend. This guy is scum. You know it and he knows it. You should be proud of yourself for having made the giant leap and leave him once and for rather than beat yourself up for having stayed for so long. It's all about shifting your perspective. Focus on the positive rather than wallow in the all the negatives. Pining for things lost and torturing yourself with all the "what if's" holds you hostage. You deserve better than this and more importantly, you deserve a better man than him. It's okay to morn the loss of a relationship you invested so much time and energy in but give yourself a deadline for when you're done with it. I know this sounds a bit crazy but it's something my therapist taught me and it WORKS! It's healthy to cry and scream and yell and curl up in a ball for days but when that deadline you set for yourself comes, you get up, shower, do you hair and makeup and join the world again with your head held high. Keeping busy helps. Maintaining NO CONTACT is imperative. Give yourself the time you need to heal from this and nurture yourself back to who you were before you met this douche bag. And most importantly learn from this experience. There is a huge growth opportunity that can come from this that will help you become a better, stronger version of yourself. These experiences often can make people hard and bitter and cynical. Again, if you wallow indefinitely in negativity that's what you'll become. Focus on positives and lessons to be learned and you can and will find yourself open and soft but also smart and strong so you don't end up here again. Anyways, I hope that all makes sense Good luck my friend. Edited March 18, 2015 by Michelle ma Belle 1
Author sandrawg Posted March 18, 2015 Author Posted March 18, 2015 Thank you so much. That does make me feel better!! 1
gnick Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 You stayed with him because you had to work at the relationship and he was a challenge. I did everything for my girlfriend stayed in shape was never jealous etc. She dumped me for another *******. I was seen as week not a challenge and therefore not worth her time. That's my opinion anyway
Toodaloo Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Been there, done that... I was in what is called "Denial". As soon as you can find a way to open your eyes it gets so much better! It just takes time to get your head round it. Read again what you wrote and think about all those times and then play it in your head as though a friend is telling you that it happened to her and what you would think. Take a step back and view it as a whole. Eventually it gets better and at some point you will see the light. 1
Author sandrawg Posted March 18, 2015 Author Posted March 18, 2015 That could be part of it, sure. He seems to like drama and conflict..like, maybe he grew up with that..his parents didn't get along and divorced when he was a kid. So maybe that's all he knows. I think he also needs constant female attention for validation. It's not like I'm chopped liver myself. I'm a model. Pretty hot, and smart, and yeah, I am loving and nurturing. Made him dinner to take with him to work on his night shift job, all the time. Was good to his kid (he has a teenage son) and 3 cats (I took care of them..cleaned their litter box..bought them food etc). He was such a d*** to me. I can't even get over it..refusing to quit that DJ gig..it made me feel so unimportant and meaningless. You stayed with him because you had to work at the relationship and he was a challenge. I did everything for my girlfriend stayed in shape was never jealous etc. She dumped me for another *******. I was seen as week not a challenge and therefore not worth her time. That's my opinion anyway
BlackbirdSong Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 I'm a model. Pretty hot, and smart, and yeah, I am loving and nurturing. You have ZERO things to worry about if this is the case. Be happy a dude that didn't appreciate you is gone. The men will be lining up.
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