d0nnivain Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Any suggestions? Be clearer with men who violate your boundaries in the future. But let this go. You both got hurt. You made up. It's now in the past. Leave it there & get on with your relationship
Diezel Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Hey guys, however, while he was clearly trying to make things right with us (I can tell by his words and tone), he didn't come out and actually apologize for his part or even admit that it was wrong. When I brought it up, he just said that he was very upset. I told him I'd let it go this one time... When things were better, I also did ask him why he blatantly refused to apologize and he said he doesn't know, maybe his ego. Any suggestions? Yes... #1 Keep border patrol on your boundaries and maintain them. #2 Never tell someone that you are letting something go and then almost immediately later, ask them why they aren't apologizing. It's not congruent. #3 If you say you are letting it go, then do so. You still were expecting an apology for how he acted. #4 Maybe he needs to apologize, but you also need to realize cause and effect here. There is no need for disrespect on his behalf but you need to understand that he probably feels the same way when you are telling this about another man - disrespect. #5 It's an LDR so ANY problem concerning trust is magnified times 1,000. Consider that strongly. #6 If you are going to give someone an "ultimatum" about "dealbreakers"... stick to them. As much as I hate ultimatums, because it's a relationship and not a parent-son relationship, now you've created another set of boundaries/rules that you need to abide by. Good luck. 1
elaine567 Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Hey guys, Thank you for your insight. I took your advice and reached out to him - he seemed happy enough to talk, I got the feeling he was waiting for me to call him. Anyway, we sorted out the main issue and talked it out.. however, while he was clearly trying to make things right with us (I can tell by his words and tone), he didn't come out and actually apologize for his part or even admit that it was wrong. When I brought it up, he just said that he was very upset. I told him I'd let it go this one time as it has never happened before, but this is a deal breaker for me and should it happen again, regardless of the situation, I would not be able to let it go. He basically implied that it wouldn't happen again but just would not come out and say it. I was a bit cold with him in that conversation, not because I was playing games but because I still felt upset and resentful and just do not want him to ever think this is okay with me on any level - as much as I love him, I would not want to be in a relationship where I am disrespected. However, I did apologize for my mistake with the other guy and promised to make it right and he seemed okay with that. When things were better, I also did ask him why he blatantly refused to apologize and he said he doesn't know, maybe his ego. I found that a bit hard to swallow as surely trying to make someone you love feel better should come before your ego? I am trying to look at the bigger picture and how happy he makes me and let go of my anger but for some reason, it's taking a while this time. Any suggestions? YOU reached out YOU apologised YOU think he was trying to make things right. YOU think he implied it won't happen again. HE only said he was upset. YOU are rightfully seething and have had no apology for the horrible things he said about you and the way he acted towards you. All that has been conveniently filed by him under "he was upset". Previously, "He basically said he is angry and will say what he wants how he wants to say it and will not apologize right now." Seems he is sticking to that. YOU were targetted by one man for his gratification and verbally abused by another because of the actions of the first man. I think you should look very closely at this relationship, look back on previous fights and how he really treats you. Do not be confused by "love" or how you think it is or it should be or how you think he thinks, look at it objectively. Are you really happy or are you the one always patching up the cracks? Are you the one usually apologising? Are you the one who is keeping the relationship going? LDRs are difficult, but they can also mean that issues in relationships get rug swept due to the distance. Ninjainpajamas is correct If you want to be the typical woman that always has to fix things in your relationship even when he's wrong, then do the typical insecure move and reach out to him to show him that you have no backbone, so that he never has to change or humble himself to apologizing. How you act now may colour your whole relationship from now on in.
umirano Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 I found that a bit hard to swallow as surely trying to make someone you love feel better should come before your ego? I am trying to look at the bigger picture and how happy he makes me and let go of my anger but for some reason, it's taking a while this time. Any suggestions? So why did you care for your ego more than for the feelings of your BF and let that other guy get touchy feely with you? You seem completely oblivious to the fact that you caused your BF to behave that way in the first place. Keep pouting and you'll soon have another opportunity to cross boundaries (because, hey, my BF is being a jerk!), and soon the next big fight will take place. My suggestion is you put on the big girl panties and admit a mistake, learn from it and that you abstain from blame shifting. If your BF shows disrespect in an unrelated incident, you're perfectly right to stand your ground. But here you're clearly not trying to fix things, but to prolong the tension. Let go of it, chalk it up to his justified anger and work on yourself instead of your BF.
umirano Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 ...are rightfully seething and have had no apology for the horrible things he said about you and the way he acted towards you. You don't actually know that he said "horrible" things. It probably sounded like that to the OP because he was hitting close to home with what he said. YOU were targetted by one man for his gratification and verbally abused by another because of the actions of the first man. More blame shifting. She was targeted, right, and that poor little girl couldn't do anything about it, and then her BF topped it off by abusing her, in full cooperation with guy #1. OP, if you really see yourself as the cornered and deserted victim here, do your BF a favor and break up with him, in that I agree with NP and elaine. If you see yourself as a self-determined woman who has a little more autonomy than a doll and takes responsibility for her RS with BF then let go of the pointless anger and forgive your BF's emotions. Sometimes it helps trying to put yourself in someone else's shoes. How'd you have reacted if your BF came to you one night telling you that a girl has gotten really close to him? Would you be pleased? Can you imagine yourself flipping out under certain circumstances? If you do, and even if not, don't judge your BF by harsher standards than you're judging yourself by.
Quiet Storm Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 (edited) Here's some insight I've gained over the years about men that could help you in the future. I'm not saying that it is right or fair for men to feel these things (we could debate that all day). All I'm saying is that many men do feel a similar way about certain situations (like their GF getting hit on by male "friends"), so it's certainly smart to be prepared for their reactions whether you agree or not. 1) Men want their women to be able to shut down other men in a clear & concise way. The "I didn't want to hurt his feelings" reason or " I didn't want to cause drama" or just ignoring it and hoping it goes away...those could be view as signs of a conflict avoider. This makes him wonder how you will handle future situations where a man is inappropriate with you. He doesn't want your desire to appear "nice" to outweigh your self respect. 2) Men want their women to recognize when other men are being predatory or crossing the line. They don't want their woman to be the naïve girl that thinks "Oh, he didn't mean anything by it" or "He was just joking" or "He knows I'm with you & he has a GF so obviously he just wants to be my friend". They don't like other men viewing their woman as the naïve girl that's easy to take advantage of. 3) Men want to be the most important guy in your life and will watch you to see if your actions reflect that. They might not even say anything about the things you do that bother them- they may stay silent, draw conclusions and allow their opinion of you to evolve in silence. If you are concerned with another guy's feelings over his feelings, he will feel disrespected. He doesn't want to tell you to prioritize his feelings (over other men in your life). He wants you to WANT to do that automatically, without being told, because it shows where your true loyalty lies. 4) Men want to their woman to be smart and be a good judge of character. If a guy friend crosses the line with you and is disrespectful, it shows that guy doesn't respect your boundaries. Why would you value the friendship of someone who would behave that way? Guys notice what you will tolerate from other people and will take mental notes. 5) Your BF yelled at you and said horrible things, and you felt disrespected by it (justifiably). However, you are demanding apologies from him for his mistakes, but did not stand up for yourself when another man disrespected you. From BF's perspective... you were disrespected by this guy and let it go because you didn't want to cause drama, but with him you're demanding apologies and have standards for what treatment is acceptable (which is, in his eyes, causing drama). If you want people to treat you good and with respect, demand it from everyone in your life, not just your BF. You do have a right to be upset with him for the horrible things he said, and if it's causing resentment, then that needs to be addressed. Tell him what your expectations are when you have disagreements, and how he can express his anger or disappointment in a considerate way. Make a deal that if either one of you is so angry that you will say things to hurt, you will take a break from the argument and finish it later when you are both more calm. Hopefully you can both learn from this. Edited March 20, 2015 by Quiet Storm 4
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 (edited) Somebody has to make the 1st move. In a good relationship, both people will admit fault but when I read that somebody is going to wait somebody else out because otherwise they will be weak, all I see is dysfunction For her to reach out & say we have a problem, how can we fix it, is proactive. Your way won't solve anything & will only lead to both sides becoming entrenched. Foolish and typical female line of thought... Reap what you sow He needs to recognize his fault in the process, her impatience and desperate desire to fix and repair things is like accepting full fault. He now will avoid accepting fault and responsibility, she's basically a dog turned on her back in submission and he will learn nothing from this It's a shame how little women understand about men and yet scheme and converse like they know and understsnd men and yet get very predictable underwhelming results in the end...because they don't listen or think, they just want to react. Enjoy the rollercoaster ride, you did it your way. Edited March 20, 2015 by Ninjainpajamas
spiderowl Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 (edited) If you think about it, he's probably most concerned that he's picked a girl who appears to give in to others rather than a strong, proud woman who defends herself from marauding males. He's being unfair to you, but in his head he wants to feel proud that he has the best and strongest woman and that he's the real guy! Your way of dealing with the come-ons makes sense to me, though isn't something one would tolerate for long if he really overstepped the boundaries. But, to your boyfriend it doesn't make sense because he doesn't want his girl to be a pushover. He wants to feel you'd put HIM in his place if you were messed about and it 'stands to reason' (said William) that he'd expect you to put others in their place too. He wants to feel his respect isn't misplaced. Feeling his girl isn't as strong and decisive as he thought makes him feel insecure. If you determinedly told your guy that you know what you are doing and are dealing with this guy in your own way and won't put up with any crap from the guy or your boyfriend, then he might be forced to realise you are the strong woman he thought you were. Edited March 21, 2015 by spiderowl
Author C0nfused1980 Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 Thank you all for sharing your views and helping me through this! Just wanted to let you know, it took me a couple of days but I have almost let go of the resentment and so has he so we are on the mend now. I will have to be more careful in the future should such situations arise with other guys of course and he seems to have gotten the point about the way he handled it as well - so I think we should be back in a good place in time Of course, the sooner we manage to meet and really be together, the better! Distance is hard at the best of times but it's even harder when serious problems come up. Thanks again!
d0nnivain Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Foolish and typical female line of thought... Reap what you sow He needs to recognize his fault in the process, her impatience and desperate desire to fix and repair things is like accepting full fault. He now will avoid accepting fault and responsibility, she's basically a dog turned on her back in submission and he will learn nothing from this It's a shame how little women understand about men and yet scheme and converse like they know and understsnd men and yet get very predictable underwhelming results in the end...because they don't listen or think, they just want to react. Enjoy the rollercoaster ride, you did it your way. So what is your solution? She's upset. He's mad. They aren't talking. That status quo simply allows the relationship to disintegrate without anybody addressing how & why the problem developed or how to prevent it in the future. Despite your insistence to the contrary, it is possible to open a discussion from a position of strength. Most times it's harder to make the 1st move. As for the roller coaster ride comment, I am not sure what you mean. Also are you addressing me or the OP? The OP is the one seeking guidance. I am perfectly happy in my relationship & with my communications style but thanks so much for your concern
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