C0nfused1980 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 We are in a long distance relationship. Since my boyfriend left, a close guy friend of mine has been inappropriate with me a few times but in order to not cause drama, I let it go and have been indirectly dealing with it but I haven't directly said anything to the guy and still see him now and then although I have cut back on it massively. I told my boyfriend what was happening and my reasoning behind it and he didn't say anything and seemed to be in agreement. Then all of a sudden, he started shutting me out and being odd - we ended up getting into a big fight during which he blurted out how upset he has been by this situation and the fact that I have not done anything about it. I completely get his point of view and I apologized and told him I would deal with it and make sure it doesn't happen again. Also, I understand that I should have done it earlier - I guess I wanted to avoid losing my friend. However, I also told my boyfriend that he should have told me how he felt before things got so out of hand. He thinks I should have realized it. He also got quite insulting and demeaning during our fight and told me things like I have no self respect and implied some horrible things. I told him I do not appreciate being spoken to in that way and while he has the right to be angry, he has no right to speak to me like that and should apologize. He basically said he is angry and will say what he wants how he wants to say it and will not apologize right now. In the end, he said we will see if things get okay and he needs time. I told him he can contact me when he is ready to properly resolve things and it is up to him. Now what? Should I push for the apology when he contacts me? Will he even contact me at all or is this it? I feel horrible about the whole thing as we do truly love each other and have been together for a long time, have gone through so much and are even making the long distance work for us. At the same time, I am so angry, hurt and upset because for one, I really think after all this time together, he should have been able to tell me he was upset about this and secondly, I feel really insulted and if his opinion of me is really so low, he has no business being with me anyway! so a part of me really wants things to get better and another part of me wants to call him up and tell him it's over. Please help!!
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 By you not shutting this "friend" out or rejecting his advances completely, you created a situation that seemed to be tolerance or even acceptance, and this in turn was disrespectful to your BF because he feels you should be able to avoid those situations without putting yourself in the same situation again and resolve it firmly, which is what you need to do as a woman to stop that behavior..but he needs to know you prioritize the relationship, and are really to prevent this kind of unwanted attention, not keep putting yourself in the same situation and basically saying it's no big deal. However, he handled the situation in a disrespectful way as well, and it just makes him appear very jealous and controlling. He's upset about the situation and probably said some things he didn't mean, but that's for him because you let him down. The other thing that bothers guys is, when you just try to keep a friend as a friend, even though he isn't really just a friend...he actually wants to get in your pants, but you feel that it doesn't matter because you aren't interested but still want him to be your friend even though he's just your friend because he's interested in you...do you see how that doesn't look very right? you're basically saying it's ok to be around and spend time with a guy who wants to jump down your pants on your word. Would you be comfortable with him in the same situation with a female friend? I think you both have some apologizing to do, but need to give it some time and thought before that can happen. This is not a cut and dry situation, and i don't know the details...but what the bottom line for a relationship is that you learn to communicate and address each others needs/feelings, it's not so much about what happened but how they are making you feel. If you can address that instead of go round and round in an argument you will be able to move on, otherwise you'll just fight, no one will win until someone forces themselves to apologize to move on (which will likely be you) and it will still be a problem, come up in the future and until the next argument. If you try to push this too fast and panic (which like most breathing women you will)...expect another fight and drama, but then again as a woman at least you'll be happy he's talking to you even though that could do more harm than good.
fitnessfan365 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Once this guy was inappropriate with you, you should have ceased ALL contact immediately out of respect for your boyfriend. The guy obviously isn't interested in just being your friend. The fact that you still associate with him at all is a bit weird IMO. But I'm not a big fan of your BF's demeanor either. If you care about someone, it's never OK to demean them in anyway. Granted, it's perfectly OK to have a strong opinion and let a woman know when she's wrong in your eyes. But never overly mean spirited or completely disrespectful either. Does your BF have a right to be upset about you still having contact with the guy? Absolutely. I'd be upset too if I was in his position. However, he needs to apologize for how he talked to you and learn to communicate better. 1
SawtoothMars Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 He also got quite insulting and demeaning during our fight and told me things like I have no self respect and implied some horrible things. I told him I do not appreciate being spoken to in that way and while he has the right to be angry, he has no right to speak to me like that and should apologize. He basically said he is angry and will say what he wants how he wants to say it and will not apologize right now. His goal here is to make you feel what HE is feeling. You hurt this guy pretty bad. I'm not sure I would have taken this as well as he did. I mean let's get real... does he need to verbally tell you how wrong it is to still be hanging out with this guy? What The Hell Lady!! 1
hoping2heal Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 If I were in his shoes my trust in you would be shaken. Not in the sense of "oh you're cheating", no, not that. Rather, I would wonder 1. Why there was an inappropriate situation more than once (fool me once shame on you, fool me twice yada yada yada) and 2. Why you still wanted to be friends with the guy. I guess part of the problem is none of us know what being "inappropriate" is, but if your boyfriend is so upset he is claiming you do not respect yourself, I can probably fill in the blanks. Back to the trust thing, I guess I would be wondering why you continued to put yourself in the line of fire...do you secretly have feelings for the guy? (that would be my line of thought). He probably is feeling like "who is this girl?" which happens when you think you know someone and they do something to otherwise blow your mind. I'm not trying to imply you're the worst person in the world or anything - just trying to help you realize how it can feel from his point of view and while this truly may have been a case of you not understanding or knowing how to set boundaries (or whatever the issue is) the problem is how it appears and it could be that your guy didn't realize how hurt he was until he had time to process it - so don't be holding that against him too much.
Author C0nfused1980 Posted March 18, 2015 Author Posted March 18, 2015 I completely understand that no one would like to be in that situation and I should have stopped it earlier. But the situation isn't as simple as that - first off, I never hang out alone with this guy. It is always in a group of mutual friends. He has not tried to kiss me - but has tried to be too touchy feely and made inappropriate comments - however, they have all been rather clever and he could easily say he was only joking should I actually bring it up. His friendship alone is no big loss to me at this stage but for reasons that I cannot get into, if I cut him off, I cut off the whole group some of whom are good friends and basically my entire social life. Hence, I had chosen to indirectly deal with it and not drop out of the group OR cause any drama and gossip which would backfire on me in the end. My boyfriend knows all of this very well and I assumed he understood why I was putting up with all this because he knows the reasons. I'd get it if I had hidden this from him and he had found out some other way and lost his trust in me but I have been honest with him, I have let him know when it's upset me and he has had every opportunity to voice his opinion. I still understand that he is upset by it - but that doesn't take away from how upset I am with him. I guess am having a really hard time handling my emotions right now to be honest.
PegNosePete Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Now what? Should I push for the apology when he contacts me? No, a forced apology is meaningless. Give him the chance to apologise on his own. If he doesn't then you can consider your next move: whether you want to be with someone who will be mean to you and not apologise.
d0nnivain Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 When confronted with this friend's inappropriate behavior you did the typical woman thing: you were passive about it, tried to deflect & didn't address the issue head on. You wanted to be a peace maker & didn't want to upset the other person. Men do not address problems that way. They are more direct & blunt. Your BF interpreted your failure to shut this friend down as permission for him to continue & your BF got jealous. The things he said about your lack of self esteem come from there. He doesn't understand your way to solve this problem. He doesn't see it as a solution at all & thinks you are inviting further inappropriate behavior from this other guy. However for him to be mad at you for not reading his mind is wrong too. If you want to heal your relationship don't stand on ceremony & get hung up on who has to apologize. Throw an olive branch out & talk to him. If possible go the extra mile & arrange to be together sooner rather than later. 1
SawtoothMars Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 When confronted with this friend's inappropriate behavior you did the typical woman thing: you were passive about it, tried to deflect & didn't address the issue head on. You wanted to be a peace maker & didn't want to upset the other person. Men do not address problems that way. They are more direct & blunt. Your BF interpreted your failure to shut this friend down as permission for him to continue & your BF got jealous. The things he said about your lack of self esteem come from there. He doesn't understand your way to solve this problem. He doesn't see it as a solution at all & thinks you are inviting further inappropriate behavior from this other guy. However for him to be mad at you for not reading his mind is wrong too. If you want to heal your relationship don't stand on ceremony & get hung up on who has to apologize. Throw an olive branch out & talk to him. If possible go the extra mile & arrange to be together sooner rather than later. This shouldn't require mind reading. It is common sense. That said.... this is the best advice in the given situation! 1
d0nnivain Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 This shouldn't require mind reading. It is common sense. When she 1st told her BF about the incident & how she handled it, he didn't say anything which lead her to conclude he was OK. It was later that the BF got upset so no, it's not common sense that she should have known he was upset if he didn't say anything.
Carm Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 We are in a long distance relationship. Since my boyfriend left, a close guy friend of mine has been inappropriate with me a few times but in order to not cause drama, I let it go and have been indirectly dealing with it but I haven't directly said anything to the guy and still see him now and then although I have cut back on it massively. I told my boyfriend what was happening and my reasoning behind it and he didn't say anything and seemed to be in agreement. Then all of a sudden, he started shutting me out and being odd - we ended up getting into a big fight during which he blurted out how upset he has been by this situation and the fact that I have not done anything about it. I completely get his point of view and I apologized and told him I would deal with it and make sure it doesn't happen again. Also, I understand that I should have done it earlier - I guess I wanted to avoid losing my friend. However, I also told my boyfriend that he should have told me how he felt before things got so out of hand. He thinks I should have realized it. He also got quite insulting and demeaning during our fight and told me things like I have no self respect and implied some horrible things. I told him I do not appreciate being spoken to in that way and while he has the right to be angry, he has no right to speak to me like that and should apologize. He basically said he is angry and will say what he wants how he wants to say it and will not apologize right now. In the end, he said we will see if things get okay and he needs time. I told him he can contact me when he is ready to properly resolve things and it is up to him. Now what? Should I push for the apology when he contacts me? Will he even contact me at all or is this it? I feel horrible about the whole thing as we do truly love each other and have been together for a long time, have gone through so much and are even making the long distance work for us. At the same time, I am so angry, hurt and upset because for one, I really think after all this time together, he should have been able to tell me he was upset about this and secondly, I feel really insulted and if his opinion of me is really so low, he has no business being with me anyway! so a part of me really wants things to get better and another part of me wants to call him up and tell him it's over. Please help!! I had a similar situation. I work in the fitness field and men are always trying to push boundaries with me. There was this one particular man who was very sly about how he was coming on to me. He was however doing just that. I told my boyfriend who was not happy about it, mostly because I had not put a stop to it. My way of dealing with it was to try to avoid him instead of dealing with it head on. Long story short, I finally told him to stop and reported him to the HR department. In hindsight, I should have done it earlier and in not dealing with it, it was disrespectful to my bf. Hope that helps, you need to be direct with this guy. 1
Diezel Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 All of this over a situation that could have easily been avoided. I can't blame the guy... sure, he didn't handle it the best way. But you told him AFTER the fact while happening repeated times. And also... it's an LDR, so any trust issues are now amplified by 1,000. He might have been "okay" with it at first when he said nothing, but after some time, he probably processed the information and realized he didn't like it AT ALL. So many mistakes made on both sides, but this is a situation that never needed to happen.
Gary S Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Well sure, if you can't say "no" to another guy, it will likely make your boyfriend jealous. Next time, don't be so open... you have to be honest, but don't offer stuff you should be sharing with only your girlfriends or a counselor, it's not romantic. You should have kept your mouth shut, put your foot down, and handled it quickly on your own. You got yourself into a pickle. At least you did the right thing, said "no" to the leg-humper, and apologized to your boyfriend. Give him some time to come out of his cave, and come back to you. And try not to be mad at him, understand he got jealous because he loves you. I hope it works out for the best. 1
kendahke Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 a close guy friend of mine has been inappropriate with me a few times but in order to not cause drama, I let it go and have been indirectly dealing with it but I haven't directly said anything to the guy and still see him now and then although I have cut back on it massively. Mistake #1: not checking dude in the moment, but instead, being more invested in being "nice" and "a good girl". That's not causing drama: that's standing sentry to your boundaries. No. When someone is being inappropriate with you, you check them in that moment--eff their friendship. A friend isn't inappropriate with you: they respect the friendship too much to do anything that insults it. In fact, you shouldn't be seeing him anymore given what he has done because continuing to deal with him makes you seem like what he did is no big deal. He also got quite insulting and demeaning during our fight and told me things like I have no self respect and implied some horrible things. I told him I do not appreciate being spoken to in that way and while he has the right to be angry, he has no right to speak to me like that and should apologize. He basically said he is angry and will say what he wants how he wants to say it and will not apologize right now. Once again, you're too wrapped up in being nice. Just like your friend needed to be shown the door, this guy does, too. He can be angry all day long, but that does not give him license to talk to you any way he damb well pleases. If he didn't offer up an apology in that moment, then chances are, he's never going to offer up one. He doesn't see his reaction as being wrong. See how not playing nice goes? This basically is how you needed to treat with the friend who disrespected you. You'd be far better off dumping both of these guys out of your life. 2
kendahke Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 I completely understand that no one would like to be in that situation and I should have stopped it earlier. But the situation isn't as simple as that - first off, I never hang out alone with this guy. It is always in a group of mutual friends. He has not tried to kiss me - but has tried to be too touchy feely and made inappropriate comments - however, they have all been rather clever and he could easily say he was only joking should I actually bring it up. His friendship alone is no big loss to me at this stage but for reasons that I cannot get into, if I cut him off, I cut off the whole group some of whom are good friends and basically my entire social life. Hence, I had chosen to indirectly deal with it and not drop out of the group OR cause any drama and gossip which would backfire on me in the end. My boyfriend knows all of this very well and I assumed he understood why I was putting up with all this because he knows the reasons. I'd get it if I had hidden this from him and he had found out some other way and lost his trust in me but I have been honest with him, I have let him know when it's upset me and he has had every opportunity to voice his opinion. I still understand that he is upset by it - but that doesn't take away from how upset I am with him. I guess am having a really hard time handling my emotions right now to be honest. I'm sorry, but your reasons really don't hold water. Those friends who want to go are not really friends if you should choose to cut this guy out of your sphere, which you totally need to do. Time to find some new friends. One day, you, your friends and your boyfriend are all going to be in the same place at the same time. The fact that you're not grasping here is that what you have allowed your "friend" to get away with is going to be no better than the "friend" taunting him with the latitude you've given him to put his hands on you and say things to you which he should not. Your "friend" was staking his territory (challenging your boyfriend at the very least, putting you in a compromising position at the most) and now your boyfriend knows that eventually your friend is going to say something untoward about it to him and some move will need to be made by him to save his face when he's in the company of your friends because you didn't check the guy. That is what his ire is all about.
Author C0nfused1980 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Posted March 19, 2015 Thanks for your thoughts and advice guys. I am trying to let go of my own anger and preparing myself to reach out to him but I guess I need a bit more time. He hasn't gotten in touch with me either so I guess he needs time too. Or he wants me to coax him - not sure which! I know I made a fairly big mistake with the whole situation and I am more than ready to apologize for it again and make it up to him but I am still steaming about the comments that were thrown at me so let's see how this turns out.. hopefully we will talk in the next day or two :/
Author C0nfused1980 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Posted March 19, 2015 Well - I just don't want to have to run after him to make this right considering I'm very upset with him too! I tried it a couple of days ago and he didn't want to talk so I think it's up to him now - no?
coolheadal Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 I seeing the same thing right now in my life. Where there is older man has the family friend. Woman involved thinks it okay but the guy wants her badly even when he was married. Now a widower he's made all the moves on her. She told me she told him to back off her. But it's too late for that. He knows he might have a chance with her. She told him that that the guy she's with doesn't do anything for her. But he doesn't want this so called guy friend hanging around when he's at work. She needs to find real friends that not trying to hit on her always. I feel she just likes the attention she's getting now. Your BF is upset because you didn't handle your so call guy friend. You can have two men to be with you have to choose who you what? So BF got upset and you didn't stand by him. Or even try to see his point of view take his sides.
d0nnivain Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Well - I just don't want to have to run after him to make this right considering I'm very upset with him too! I tried it a couple of days ago and he didn't want to talk so I think it's up to him now - no? You are playing games. If you want to fix this you have to talk. It won't get fixed by you sitting there hoping he'll call or deciding that it's his turn. If you hope to salvage this, reach out. If he still won't talk to you, at least you tried. If you want to worry about who's turn it is or who has more of a right to be upset, this relationship is doomed. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 If you want to be the typical woman that always has to fix things in your relationship even when he's wrong, then do the typical insecure move and reach out to him to show him that you have no backbone, so that he never has to change or humble himself to apologizing. This is not about communication, this is a power struggle to see who's going to break first...if you want to really have him think and reflect then let him come to you...but if you want to be a pussy cat, and call him back, apologize and show him that it's ok for him to treat you how he feels then go ahead. Women really need to learn to make or let men meet them half way, it's a shame so many crumble over their own emotion s and desire to fix things, therefore enabling and encouraging this behaviour in the future within the relationship. Such a typical situation with a typical outcome, when will people learn.
umirano Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 OP, you did exactly what my EX did, and you justifying is - for me - like reading her explanation word for word. Also LDR. This isn't going to end well, if you continue with the power games. The two of us did this over and over again, after about a year, even though the RS was greatother wise we broke up. You guys need to talk. Right now. Calmly, like grown ups. Your BF has every right to be upset and jealous. A LDR with genuinely felt love is effing hard, and reading each other is harder. Your BF doesn't have the right to insult you and you don't have to accept it. Agree on how you talk to each other first. No insults. No yelling. Both of you state facts, or what they believe them to be. Both of you let the other person end their sentences. Neither of you starts off with demanding an apology from the other. I have a feeling he didn't outright insult you, but he probably went with words where he knew it'll hurt. Do you know what usually hurts a lot? When others touch us where we don't want to be touched. It's possible that you hear in his words what worries you about yourself. Instead of demanding an apology from him you could also just listen to your inner voice and decide for yourself which parts of his criticism are justified. Ignore those who aren't, and work hard on those which are. I implied "things" with my EX, which greatly upset her. One particular time I recall she begged me to skype with her a particular night. I hurried finishing my errands of the day and said no to all other plans and got on skype on time. After like 10 minutes in the call she tells me she's going out with a friend. I was kind of upset. When I learned she went to smoke up with a guy who crushes on her and who she's been trying to avoid for several months I exploded. I felt like she was playing me and I made her pay for it. It was really ugly. And unnecessary. I felt disrespected, misled and ignored. I knew I was hurting her, and us, but my anger was too strong to control. We did this routine a couple of times and it got nastier and nastier and I almost always cut her off and let off steam with my friends. After some time I had lost almost all respect for her. She hated apologizing and she like you wanted me to apologize when I said harsh things. I really hope you guys can turn this around or break it off cleanly. A RS like this will eat you from the inside. The lessons which I think I learned are above. Talk, talk respectfully (both of you). Reach out, meet, if possible. BTW, my EX also had a 'limited' choice of friends. Those aren't friends. If 'friends' deter those who love you from the bottom of their heart then something is really wrong. It maybe your BF. It may very well be your choice of friends. good luck
d0nnivain Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 If you want to be the typical woman that always has to fix things in your relationship even when he's wrong, then do the typical insecure move and reach out to him to show him that you have no backbone, so that he never has to change or humble himself to apologizing. This is not about communication, this is a power struggle to see who's going to break first...if you want to really have him think and reflect then let him come to you...but if you want to be a pussy cat, and call him back, apologize and show him that it's ok for him to treat you how he feels then go ahead. Women really need to learn to make or let men meet them half way, it's a shame so many crumble over their own emotion s and desire to fix things, therefore enabling and encouraging this behaviour in the future within the relationship. Such a typical situation with a typical outcome, when will people learn. Somebody has to make the 1st move. In a good relationship, both people will admit fault but when I read that somebody is going to wait somebody else out because otherwise they will be weak, all I see is dysfunction For her to reach out & say we have a problem, how can we fix it, is proactive. Your way won't solve anything & will only lead to both sides becoming entrenched.
umirano Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 This is not about communication, this is a power struggle to see who's going to break first...if you want to really have him think and reflect then let him come to you...but if you want to be a pussy cat, and call him back, apologize and show him that it's ok for him to treat you how he feels then go ahead. Follow this advice and your RS will be in ashes faster than you can say "I'm sorry". He might even cave. I did more than once. Resentment will grow within him, and every time you OP cross the boundaries again, to save your friendship with people who, and let's be real honest here, simply don't give a fnck about your BF it'll get worse. Do it and you both will be a case for the therapist within 6 months. Some guys take disrespectful behavior seriously. Some have no respect themselves and probably have a harder time noticing when they're being disrespected. And for some it's a deal breaker. OP, your BF has made it clear that it has put a serious dent into things for him. Going beserk on him for a few pointy remarks will not save your RS. 1
Author C0nfused1980 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Posted March 20, 2015 Hey guys, Thank you for your insight. I took your advice and reached out to him - he seemed happy enough to talk, I got the feeling he was waiting for me to call him. Anyway, we sorted out the main issue and talked it out.. however, while he was clearly trying to make things right with us (I can tell by his words and tone), he didn't come out and actually apologize for his part or even admit that it was wrong. When I brought it up, he just said that he was very upset. I told him I'd let it go this one time as it has never happened before, but this is a deal breaker for me and should it happen again, regardless of the situation, I would not be able to let it go. He basically implied that it wouldn't happen again but just would not come out and say it. I was a bit cold with him in that conversation, not because I was playing games but because I still felt upset and resentful and just do not want him to ever think this is okay with me on any level - as much as I love him, I would not want to be in a relationship where I am disrespected. However, I did apologize for my mistake with the other guy and promised to make it right and he seemed okay with that. When things were better, I also did ask him why he blatantly refused to apologize and he said he doesn't know, maybe his ego. I found that a bit hard to swallow as surely trying to make someone you love feel better should come before your ego? I am trying to look at the bigger picture and how happy he makes me and let go of my anger but for some reason, it's taking a while this time. Any suggestions? 1
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