maradona Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Hi everyone, I hope you are all doing good. I had a horrible breakup last summer, with my soon to be fiance.. it was terrible.. To be honest I am not sure i am 100% over it, but at least i know i never want to be in that relationship again. Now I have two scenarios: One of them she is a very dear friend but things started to change, I cannot tell if there something more but for me I think she is the best girl I know.. The other, I knew her since college, we drifted apart, she had a very long relationship which ended same time as me.. and now we are both single and started talking and are going for drinks in the next week. Here is my issue, I think I could really fall for either one, both amaizing.. but I am afraid.. I am afriad to try again.. I find myself scared to make a move either I could lose a friend, or get rejected or end up a rebound... I am not sure how to get past this, ever since the breakup.. I have been on some dates but I cannot help but wonder...this is a waste of time and will end the same way... She was my first love and thought she would be my last.. I guess my question is what do I do and how do you get past this... how do you try to trust someone again after all that...
oldshirt Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Here's a hard reality of life - once you've been to bed with a dozen other women, you won't even care about your ex or worry about all this other crap.
Versacehottie Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 I think a lot of people. Guys, especially, go through this when they've been crushed. When you are truly ready, the risk of being hurt by the new girl will matter more than missing out on the chance to be with her. With friends especially make sure that it is not just the comfort that you are reacting to that is generating feelings for these women. From the way you worded your post, it doesn't truly sound like you are ready. And when you are it sounds like it's the first girl you spoke of that you should pursue. Not the second that sounds rebound-y. Good luck 1
oldshirt Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 .... and now that we got that out of the way, let's address your actual questions. First off I want you to reread your post and I want you to count the number of times you have mentioned fear, and worry and conjuring problems up out of thin air that haven't even happened in reality yet. How many is it? I couldn't keep track of all of 'em. So basically what we have here is you are a 'fraidy cat. OK so you got burned once and now you are leery about getting burned again, we all go through that to one degree or another. it happens. But here's the thing, decisions made based out of fear are almost always the wrong ones. It's ok to be afraid and to have anxiety, just don't base decisions on it or base your actions on it. If you want to ask out a gal because you are attracted to her and you think she's nice - those are good reasons to ask her out. If you are afraid because your last GF screwed you over and so now you are afraid this other gal will do the same to you, that happens but if you allow that fear to influence your judgment and cause you to not pursue someone you are legitimately interested in, you are screwing up and making the wrong decision. not pursuing your interests due to an irrational fear is what is known in many circles as being a pussy. don't be a pussy. If you are having doubts about pursuing a gal because she cuts up her BFs with a butcher knife and buries them in her crawlspace, that is a legitimate concern and a legitimate reason not to become involved with her. That's what being smart is. But not pursuing someone who has given you no valid reason to think she's going to do anything to you because someone completely different did something to you, that is an irrational fear and is being a pussy. If while you are dating these women, if any of them give you an actual nuts and bolts reason in the real world to be concerned for your well being, then you can deal with that issue when you get to it. but in the mean time if they don't give any indication of being a serial killer or a bunny boiler and they aren't burning down orphanages, then the only reason for you not to ask them out is irrational fear and as I said, decisions and actions based on irrational fears are almost always the wrong ones. You can fret and fear all you want, just don't make decisions off of it and don't base your actions on it. You can be afraid of them - just date them and bed them anyway until they give you just cause to be concerned. .....and once you've been with 12 other women, you won't care less what your ex did. Hi everyone, I hope you are all doing good. I had a horrible breakup last summer, with my soon to be fiance.. it was terrible.. To be honest I am not sure i am 100% over it, but at least i know i never want to be in that relationship again. Now I have two scenarios: One of them she is a very dear friend but things started to change, I cannot tell if there something more but for me I think she is the best girl I know.. The other, I knew her since college, we drifted apart, she had a very long relationship which ended same time as me.. and now we are both single and started talking and are going for drinks in the next week. Here is my issue, I think I could really fall for either one, both amaizing.. but I am afraid.. I am afriad to try again.. I find myself scared to make a move either I could lose a friend, or get rejected or end up a rebound... I am not sure how to get past this, ever since the breakup.. I have been on some dates but I cannot help but wonder...this is a waste of time and will end the same way... She was my first love and thought she would be my last.. I guess my question is what do I do and how do you get past this... how do you try to trust someone again after all that... 3
Author maradona Posted March 18, 2015 Author Posted March 18, 2015 First off Thank you both very much for taking the time to reply. I agree, I realize that I am acting and thinking that way and that most of it is irrational and based on past experience But for instance one very possible outcome for example is one of them is my friend I could be wrong, she could only see me as a friend and what if by telling her I make things awkward between us or ruin that friendship? I have always separated those two never friends vs girls I'm interested in I have never tried to open up about it before. Is this irrational too or isn't it very possible?
Versacehottie Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 First off Thank you both very much for taking the time to reply. I agree, I realize that I am acting and thinking that way and that most of it is irrational and based on past experience But for instance one very possible outcome for example is one of them is my friend I could be wrong, she could only see me as a friend and what if by telling her I make things awkward between us or ruin that friendship? I have always separated those two never friends vs girls I'm interested in I have never tried to open up about it before. Is this irrational too or isn't it very possible? Well first off, you're welcome. Secondly, I'm don't think you should do a "declaration" of your feelings with a friend who you now have feelings for. Puts them on the spot and they may react "safely" rather than give the relationship the consideration it deserves. By safely I mean she may just say thanks but no thanks because she doesn't know the answer at the ready. So I say, baby steps. Plant small seeds. Little flirting, doing nice things for her, etc. That will make her wonder and consider her own feelings. See what her reaction is to these things. Typically, I think, people who are your friends who don't have romantic interest in you will clarify in some way or another once they start getting these signs from you that they aren't interested if they aren't. For example, she will talk about guys she is dating to you or if you suggest hanging out alone, she will make sure it's a group thing or decline. Notice the reactions to the flirting or nice things you do for her. People who are friends react differently than those with romantic intentions. Act, gauge reactions, reassess. If it's working or being responded to positively, repeat. Naturally something will happen. I don't think I understand your second questions. But if you mean, you don't talk to them about your dating life--well, yeah, don't do that, especially now when you want them to be clear about the signs you are giving them. Just a footnote, pick just one. When you are saying friends like they are interchangeable with regards to your interest, I'm a little dubious about your real intentions or if you are just trying to fill a girlfriend slot. It's bad enough to be someone's rebound when you are a stranger--you DON'T want to blow up a friendship for rebound reasons. This is why a slower, less of a proclamation approach will be best. I think you need to test your own feelings and stability.
Author maradona Posted March 18, 2015 Author Posted March 18, 2015 Well here's what I have been thinking. We hang out alone and also with our group of friends. We talked about a lot of things including dating She said she wants a man to take her out on a date, take charge ask her out and pick her up from home, she described what kind of person she would want and last weekend asked me about her and another girl (friend of both of us) "if we weren't friends would you date us" Last weekend one of my buddies asked her out she turned him down and told me about it My idea based on that was to just straight out tell her I would like to take her out on a date for dinner? - the idea being if she says no I can just stop wondering if she's interested or not.. And if not, then I can just focus on other things. If she says no my concern is that she would act differently around me after? I would not want that to happen that's what's stopping me Then see what happens.. It's not a rebound though I think I am past that. I had that phase.. Since last summer.. I think I would be ready if this could work Is that too straight forward or would u suggest trying smaller steps?
Versacehottie Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Well here's what I have been thinking. We hang out alone and also with our group of friends. We talked about a lot of things including dating She said she wants a man to take her out on a date, take charge ask her out and pick her up from home, she described what kind of person she would want and last weekend asked me about her and another girl (friend of both of us) "if we weren't friends would you date us" Last weekend one of my buddies asked her out she turned him down and told me about it My idea based on that was to just straight out tell her I would like to take her out on a date for dinner? - the idea being if she says no I can just stop wondering if she's interested or not.. And if not, then I can just focus on other things. If she says no my concern is that she would act differently around me after? I would not want that to happen that's what's stopping me Then see what happens.. It's not a rebound though I think I am past that. I had that phase.. Since last summer.. I think I would be ready if this could work Is that too straight forward or would u suggest trying smaller steps? Yeah, this is the first girl right? the one you said is the best girl. That's a good sign. Ok, to your question. Can you just ask her to dinner (if you guys hang out alone already) and kinda have a sly smile (god, that sounds dorky but you know what I mean)? Basically, just indicates what you both think it means without spelling it out. I don't know, in my opinion these kind of things are good with "build up". A lot of guys so just want the answer already!!! When it's precisely the build up that's best for the both of you. There's no way to know if she will act differently around you afterward if she's not interested. If she is indeed the best girl you know, I tend to think of those people in good all around ways. Meaning they handle themselves well and she will probably do her best to make it comfortable for both of you. There may be a little awkwardness initially but if you act cool, so will she. Trust me if she is one who rejects you she will be trying to make it as normal as possible and if you go with it and act normal so will she. But let's just cross our fingers and hope that is not the scenario you will be dealing with anyway. I don't know from your posts that she has given you enough signs to show that she is interested in you romantically. Why did she turn down your mutual friend?
Author maradona Posted March 18, 2015 Author Posted March 18, 2015 Ok so I met her right after my break up through my best friend girl, and we were hanging out alone first time went for drinks, we went to the spa together and we hung out a few times. I was a giant mess at the time lol so I kinda backed away and she hooked up with a guy friend of our group of friends. He had pretty much used her, he had a gf in secret and that ended horribly meanwhile I was rebounding like crazy. We became friends. We talk n text often and at first I wasn't sure but more o got to know her more I got interested. I would tell her about girls and things I did got my now ex lol and she would tell me her stories and how "I am the perfect guy that she has always been looking for" bah which I take to mean I want to "find someone like you" but not you lol She would say I am genuinely nice kind fun then say she always dated *******s and wants to date a nice genuine guy This past weekend she turned him down - he was a buddy of mine at work he met er once . He told her when he asked her out to meet him somewhere. Which she hates cuz the guy has to pick her up lol and she old me I don't want you to think that I am a bitch or if he says that about me don't want you to think that I said do you think I would ever let anyone call you that? There's no way. Then she kinda grabbed me and we had a giant hug she pushed my face to kiss her cheek. we had a few drinks. Then all our friends stared lol. I kind grabbed her after while we hugged and twisted her in the air like "spinning hug?" Lol Anyways then I told her he's asked me about u and she said what did you tell him? You told him I'm crazy right ? Haha ten I was going to tell her how I thought about her that I told him she's the best but since people already looking at us (house party all our friends) lol figured better to stop Then we played a drinking game where she started doing provocative things to distract me when I would shoot (beer pong) like lowering her shirt and posing I don't understand...... A part of me thinks it's just a friendship how she feels but I really don't know lol
Author maradona Posted March 18, 2015 Author Posted March 18, 2015 At that party she also said "you know me you know me better than anybody here" But in the same light in a bad case I guess 2-3 months ago we went out group of friends she was flirting with some guy in the club who came up to her while I was there so I was talking to another girl. I don't understand it's like waves lol sometimes I feel it's off sometimes on really not sure... (2 months ago I was "rebounding") that's when I backed off completely because The week before that we were alone at a bar and dancing and flirting. Then after that these latest things in my previous post started happening and we got even closer lol confused but that's whole story
Versacehottie Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 I don't understand it's like waves lol sometimes I feel it's off sometimes on really not sure... (2 months ago I was "rebounding") She probably feels similarly if she has feelings for you. Waves of feeling like it's right and times where she is not sure. More at risk to fall for a friend. The fear about it scares people, rightly so. Some signs she likes you but I still don't know either--they could be innocent. I don't think it's that big a deal that she flirted with someone 2-3 months ago in front of you. That was a lifetime ago in your relationship rollercoaster. Basically if you were rebounding you still had major feelings for your ex 2-3 months ago. Deal with the now. Hmmmm, not SURE that you are really really ready or just don't want someone else to snag her. But if you are ready, nothing to do but take the leap--whether you do small steps or a big-ish one. I think you could ask to dinner without proclamation and that qualifies as big-ish. You'll potentially be under a lot of pressure or put a lot of pressure on her during that dinner though. Since you have virtually no idea of where she stands about you. Keep us posted.
oldshirt Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 DUDE!!! Do you eat Scaredy Chex for breakfast every morning?? You really need to work on your anxiety and fear issues. But that aside lets get something straight. "Friends" are guys that you go fishing with and bowling with and hanging out playing video games and having pizza and beer together with. If you do that stuff with chicks, they will just see you as another chick and will invite you to go to Yonkers to try out new make up and clothes shopping with them........However, if you do that, they will see you as another one of the girls and they will never desire you or want to date or have a romantic/sexual relationship with you. NEVER be afraid to lose a friendship with a woman if she isn't interested in a full service relationship (ie one that includes a strong romantic/sexual component) Women are to date, develop full relationships with and have romantic/sexual activities with. They are not to "hang out" with or do other buddy stuff that you should be doing with your guy friends. Don't go fishing and to monster truck shows with chicks in a platonic format and don't go trying to have sex with you male buddies. Keep those two things separate. If a woman catches your eye and you are attracted to her and interested with her, you flirt with her, ask her out on proper dates and move things forward with her romantically/sexually. If she rejects you or doesn't want to venture into a romantic/sexual relationship with her, that is her right and her prerogative. But do NOT try to remain one of her gay girlfriends that happens to have a penis. Drop all these fears and anxieties and date women on proper dates that have a romantic/sexual focus. Stop trying to hang out with them and being their platonic 'friends.' They already know you want to have sex with them anyway so stop pretending you don't. There are only two kinds of guys that hang out with women platonically and don't try to date and be romantic/sexual with them. #1 - gay men who are openly and unapologetically gay. #2 - pussys who want to date and have sex with women but are too scared and too anxious to do anything about it. If you are one these guys women will either think you are gay and need to come out. Or they will just think that you are weak and a pussy and they won't want to date or have sex with you anyway. Stop suppressing your masculinity and sexuality or you will become one of those heterosexual guys that hangs out at the restrooms at the park swapping blow jobs with other straight guys that are too afraid to date women.
Recommended Posts