Hopeful30 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 How would you feel about dating someone who you later learn has a self-harming problem? For example skin picking, self-cutting, hair-pulling or other such things that affect their physical appearance. In all honesty, how would you react upon learning that someone you like self-injures?
gaius Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 I understand it, so I wouldn't care much. The first girl I ever really liked used to show up on the bus occasionally with gauze taped all over her wrists.
angiefly Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 I would be concerned for them and their safety and suggest some ways that they could start helping themselves EG: learning healthy coping skills etc... but I just feel that it's too much to take on. I say this because I struggled with self harm and other issues and I know that in that condition I couldn't handle a relationship I was fragile at the time. So no I wouldn't date someone who has those tendencies and I'd leave if I found out they had it. Nobody can save the world.
carhill Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Last one I had interaction with left me worried about her kids. I remember one time she disappeared into the bathroom for what seemed like hours and I ended up putting them to bed. I thought it might be purging or something related to alcoholism but caught glimpses of what I believed were scars, very similar to one's I've gotten over the years from metal slices on the machines catching me. Could be wrong but the whole behavioral set smelled fishy. I might have dismissed it if not for a couple of middle of the night phone calls with her apparently parked in front of her exH's house threatening some form of self-harm. I could hear him yelling in the background on the phone. In any event, my thoughts were with the kids. They had to live with that every day, whatever 'that' was. That's just the tip of the MW/friend/dating iceberg. That one started out as what appeared to be a pretty average and normal friend. Life has been....interesting.
oldshirt Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 I think the real question you would need to ask yourself is why date someone with a problem like that instead of someone who is normal and healthy? Why settle?
blackcat777 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 If you can't love yourself, you can't love someone else. Someone with self-harming tendencies would not likely be able to have a functional, healthy relationship with another person, because they are not in a healthy relationship with themselves. Sources: ancient battles with my own demons. I sabotaged a great relationship with a wonderful guy years and years ago because I was too screwed up to see the forest for the trees. Some people can get better, but the impulse has to come from within, it takes a lot of work, and it's quite the process. There are the rare occasions where two destructive people clean up their acts together, and while beautiful, it's not the norm. If a person sabotages what is within (themselves), they will sabotage what is without (lovers, others), because there's a weird mirroring effect in life like that. You can't have one without the other. That's the essence of loving yourself first. 2
preraph Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 It's often brought on by stress, and I don't want anyone not dealing with their problem and using me for their excuse to do it. Different things can kick it off. The person I am acquainted with (a daughter of a friend) probably got it because she was not allowed to express negative or anything less than positive thoughts without being corrected by her dictatorially "positive" mother. She used it as an excuse to drop out of school after her mother had paid for four years of on-campus living, which was tens of thousands of dollars wasted. I would insist the person have to get in therapy and get it taken care of rather than live with what can sometimes be some chaos because of it. This is not the kind of disorder that clouds your thinking, so there's no excuse for not getting psychiatric help for it and get it taken care of.
blackcat777 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 I should add that compassion is EXTREMELY important for people who self-harm in whatever way... It's just that it's not a healthy way to cope, and that will manifest in relationships, also. 1
Sassafras Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 (edited) As someone who has lived with trichotillomania (hair pulling) since the age of 8, this topic cuts to my very core. Very few people understand trich and rightfully so. I don't know why I do it and I've tried everything under the sun to stop but to no avail. I am a very attractive, successful, high functioning member of society. To think that anyone would equate being with me as "settling" is heartbreaking. I understand that that's reality and people have a right to their opinions. I've been in relationships where men couldn't handle it and I've been with others where it was a non issue. I just wish more people wouldn't judge a book by its cover. There's so much more to me than just my hair. Edited March 18, 2015 by Sassafras 2
SawtoothMars Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 While I feel bad for such individuals... that personality trait doesn't fit well with me. I would be afraid that dating me may cause an increase in that type of behavior as I can be very stressful and hard driving.
Author Hopeful30 Posted March 18, 2015 Author Posted March 18, 2015 (edited) Most people don't understand self harm. I agree. These answers imply people think self harm is extremely serious and the only way a person can exist or cope. I appreciate the honesty though. I have self harm issues but never was it a problem in any of my relationships. Nor some people I know who cut themselves. Its also a VERY strong assumption that dating a person like that would only worsen their condition...as if any emotional involvement from a person like that would result in them not be able to handle themselves just because they are dating. Strong stigmas here but I dont blame them, society has extremely poor awareness. I would also like to point on that its almost guaranteed most of these posters dated a cutter/picker/puller and had no idea, or have friends like this and have no clue. These answers are part of the reason why (no blame, its just how it is.) May I point out that biting your nails or picking a scab is also a form of self harm. Edited March 18, 2015 by Hopeful30 1
blackcat777 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 I struggled with anorexia from 11 and for a solid decade. I grew up in an extremely toxic household and my sister is a cutter to this day. I ended up leaving the country to get away from everyone, slowly stabilized, did a lot of soul searching and got my head together.... Now I'd never do something to hurt myself. Consequently, I make a much better friend and partner these days. I am in no way casting blame or judgment on anyone who struggles. I speak from experience when I say a lot of people who self harm to cope (picking, pulling, or something that is not a response to trauma/abuse is different) definitely need to find healthier ways to cope and to relate to themselves to make a relationship the best it can be. A lot of people don't understand. It's extremely isolating in some ways, and also addictive. My heart goes out to anyone who is struggling. Anyone who tried to date me while I was 18-22 probably thought I was a borderline. I ruined one relationship where a guy was so good to me, and after that, I stayed single for several years. There are other kinds of more socially acceptable self-harm... drinking, many flavors of drug abuse... It's hard to have a healthy relationship dynamic with self-destructive tendencies. Something automatic (can't think of a better word, sorry >.< ) like trich would not be a red flag for me. However, something destructive for the purpose of coping would be a huge red flag, not in the sense that a person should be shamed or shunned, but it would be a real signal that the person needs to reboot in a healthier environment, with healthier outlets, and love themselves more deeply, all of which are important in maintaining a healthy relationship.
preraph Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 I understand self-harm better than most because I've read 12 encyclopedic volumes of Freud's case histories and more modern takes on it. Expecting people to "understand it" instead of going into therapy to fix it is not reasonable. You can expect them to understand it as long as you are making a maximum effort to fix it. Do you really think anyone wants to have kids and raise them in the house with a cutter? There's all kinds of therapy for this.
Redhead14 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 How would you feel about dating someone who you later learn has a self-harming problem? For example skin picking, self-cutting, hair-pulling or other such things that affect their physical appearance. In all honesty, how would you react upon learning that someone you like self-injures? These types of behaviors are almost always about some past history of emotional, sexual, physical abuse. There are exceptions, but in those cases, it's usually about attention seeking and anxiety. When a person is being abused, they will "numb" themselves while the abuse is occurring and over time, they basically, remain numb all the time. However, there will come times when they realize the numbness and do these painful things in order to "feel" again and more or less test reality. Developing a healthy relationship would be difficult at best and require a ton of patience and therapy for them.
gaius Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 I understand self-harm better than most because I've read 12 encyclopedic volumes of Freud's case histories and more modern takes on it. Expecting people to "understand it" instead of going into therapy to fix it is not reasonable. You can expect them to understand it as long as you are making a maximum effort to fix it. Do you really think anyone wants to have kids and raise them in the house with a cutter? There's all kinds of therapy for this. There's a lot of behavior that might be acceptable for dating but not raising kids. I haven't done it since I was a pre-teen, but when I was little I cut a symbol that I used to draw a lot into my arm a few times. I don't know why I did any more than sassa does but I can safely say I still have that mindset to a point. Where I'll punish myself in times of stress or failure. Now I just do it by exercising excessively or not eating for a while. Or staying up for a long time. Or some combination of the three. As someone else mentioned, the mindset cutters have isn't any different really from some people who do more socially acceptable things. So it's weird to declare one some form of super dysfunctional mental illness and be perfectly fine with the others. It's really not an indication of anything, except that's the way they're built to cope for whatever reason. Some can manage relationships and function in life perfectly fine, others can't. Like any other group of people. 1
Author Hopeful30 Posted March 18, 2015 Author Posted March 18, 2015 Of course we want to be with someone who copes in a healthy way, I agree on that one, but I dont think a person who self harms should be automatically deemed undatable. All my relationships have been healthy, and not to sounds arrogant, but I have never been dumped. All breakups were mutual, so I must admit i slightly resent that people assume someone who self injures is incapable of a healthy relationship.
Author Hopeful30 Posted March 18, 2015 Author Posted March 18, 2015 It's really not an indication of anything, except that's the way they're built to cope for whatever reason. Some can manage relationships and function in life perfectly fine, others can't. Like any other group of people. Yes! I think this should be the default thought.
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