apples1991 Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 (edited) Hello. I needed some advice and to vent. So I come from a semi strict Islamic family. My mom is religious, dad not. But dating was always a strict taboo. I'm 23 When I was 21 I was fed up. I dated someone and feel deeply for him. Things did not work out and it was a messy painful breakup. During this time, my mom was fed up with my constant texting. She broke into my phone and read my phone messages. I hadn't been bad to her or done anything wrong but she used everything she read against me to say horrible things. A few months later I was going through a crash and a hard time. She blamed the situation on me and "God punishing me" I needed help badly. During this time I met my current boyfriend. He drove me and helped in any way that he could. During this time I learned he had neurofibromitosis. A minor case. He had some help in reading during his school years. But had gotten his associates (didn't want to spend more for a bachelors) and has a steady full time job at a printing shop. We have fallen deeper and deeper. He is immensely loyal and helpful. Romantic. We have good chemistry and both knew right away we were right for each other. I introduced him as a friend and he embraced my parents and helped them. He proposed to me and we need 2-3 years. We have a plan set out and our budgets together to put a down payment on a place (we both have a clear cut plan and have let each other in to our bank accounts to keep each other on track) We both love at home to save money for rent. We want our own place, and both have modest incomes. I finally told my mom about him and the proposal. My mom would not stop screaming. She calls him ugly, stupid, and low class. She forbid me from marrying him and told me even after she dies she will wish bad on us and not allow it. He has been noting but helpful and respectful. She still calls him these horrible things and says I deserve better. She keeps using my ex against me arguing you can't fall in love twice to two different people. She says I'm being brainwashed and what I am feeling is fake. She wants to arrange marriage me, and is furious and calling me selfish for not going with what she wants and making her sick. My parents can't drive, and are senior citizens and i help out a ton at home. I feel I can't leave. My moms constant screaming and crying all day. Her, my dad and brother (who is also semi estranged) all blame me for making her sick. And I am genuinely am afraid since she has illness that she is going to kill herself being like this. She will not even talk to my BF and will not stop this madness until I promise I won't ever talk to him again and marry a man that is my race and religion. (Even though my bf is happy to embrace my culture and already to pretend to convert) I want him and he refuses to leave. My mom also makes this impossible emotionally. What do I do? Edited March 17, 2015 by apples1991 Typos
badpenny Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 (edited) I hate to be blunt, but you're 23 yers of age, an adult and independent. The choice is yours: Either keep putting p with this nonsense or you go your own way and get a life of your own and ditch this insane existence. Find somewhere inexpensive to live, even if it means house-sharing for a while. But to keep putting up with this is utterly ludicrous. If people are blaming you for her mental condition, it's so much easier for them to do, because they're not the targets. Your brother is already estranged. To be honest, this sounds more like a bonus than a burden. Move out and make your own life. Edited March 18, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Leave. Your parents aren't your responsibility anymore, especially if you're an adult. I realize some cultures you take care of your parents, but if your Mom won't let you make Adult decisions for yourself, you shouldn't be held hostage to supporting them.
coryreply Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Having the blessing of your parents as you move into adulthood is a wonderful thing. But at this point, you are an adult and are fully capable of making your own decisions.
preraph Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 I'll be blunt. Until you are ready to stand up to your parents, you are not ready to get married. And you are going to have to stop helping them if they are holding you back. You have the leverage you need since they need you, so you are being very spineless letting her trounce all over you when she is dependent on you. I would suggest, though, that she is probably not as helpless as she lets on and is using that to control you. 1
kendahke Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Does she have the ability to call religious relatives and force you against your will to do what she wants you to do with the threat of an "honor killing"? Would your dad and brother, even as estranged as they may be, be willing to do her bidding in order to 'save the honor of the family'? All us westerners can tell you that you're an adult, you should leave, etc., but if none of us have ever lived in the culture where Islam is the dominant religion, we have no idea of what can be done, especially to women of that culture. I, too, would say that you should have moved out on your own when your mother began acting a fool, but I don't live in fear that the male relatives of my family will kidnap me and force me into marriage with someone I don't know and don't love just for the sake of "family honor". You're dealing with a potentially dangerous situation, as we don't know how far your father and brother are willing to go for your mother just to shut her up. You probably need to ask your father if he would give you his blessing to go live your life as you see fit and then make some plans to move out soon thereafter and let your brother and his wife take care of his mother. You may have to go as far as to cut off all contact with your mother if she cannot be brought around to accept that you have a right to live your life as you see fit. Oh, and once she's dead, she's dead and cannot do anything other than be dead. She's just talking out of her a$$ with that mess. 3
wb1988 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 (edited) All us westerners can tell you that you're an adult, you should leave, etc., but if none of us have ever lived in the culture where Islam is the dominant religion, we have no idea of what can be done, especially to women of that culture. I've lived all over the world I can tell you that it's not so much that she's muslim but that she has very conservative parents (or at least a conservative mom). She could be traditional Asian (Indian or Oriental), conservative christian, mexican or traditional Jewish and it would be the same. For starters your mom is never going to kill herself. All crazy fobby moms (especially the short ones:p) threaten this as a way to control you. I've heard Mexican, Indian and Chinese moms say that they are going to kill themselves because their son/daughter did xxxxx and guess what have you ever heard of a single fobby mom doing it? I know that some might be offended but the likelihood is that she doesn't like the fact that you actually like this guy, and deep down she'd prefer if you married a guy that you didn't really love. You live in their house, so you have to follow their rules even though it may seem unfair or irrational. Why don't you have your own place? Are you saving up to buy a place or just rent? Get a place asap, then your mom can't tell you what to do. Also I'm assuming that your mom is unemployed (probably never had a job), yeah that means she will have lots of time to keep you miserable. As someone with a controlling mom myself, I can't explain the relief and freedom the moment I got the keys to my first apartment. My dad helped me out big time, maybe if you explain the situation (that she's damaging the quality of your life and that you just aren't enjoying life) and your feelings to your dad then he might help you out. That whole "Im gonna curse you even after I'm dead" is obviously BS but it does show that she'd rather you be unhappy then not follow what she wants. GTFO, FTW and remember that misery loves company. Edited March 18, 2015 by wb1988
Radu Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 My parents can't drive, and are senior citizens and i help out a ton at home. I feel I can't leave. My moms constant screaming and crying all day. Her, my dad and brother (who is also semi estranged) all blame me for making her sick. And I am genuinely am afraid since she has illness that she is going to kill herself being like this. She will not even talk to my BF and will not stop this madness until I promise I won't ever talk to him again and marry a man that is my race and religion. (Even though my bf is happy to embrace my culture and already to pretend to convert) I want him and he refuses to leave. My mom also makes this impossible emotionally. What do I do? I think you've just stumbled on the biggest hypocritical thing about Islam. Muslim men are allowed to marry women of the book [christians and jews] but muslim women are not allowed to marry [or be around for that matter] men of the book. Bottom line she will not stop ... your father is on it [in a passive way because he lets this happen] and your brother too. If you have some common sense ... move far away [there was a case in the US with a muslim father killing his daughter because she married a christian] because beyond control [and she is just plain abusive ... outside of religion off-c] she will never fully embrace your husband ... even if he converts. From a religious pov ... in their eyes you will be an apostate ... a woman who will live in sin because you did not marry a man of islam. This will be her rationalization. The fact that she is messed up in the head is another matter. So again ... move far away ... and make sure it's in a liberal area with no Wahhabists or Salafists.
Radu Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 I've lived all over the world I can tell you that it's not so much that she's muslim but that she has very conservative parents (or at least a conservative mom). She could be traditional Asian (Indian or Oriental), conservative christian, mexican or traditional Jewish and it would be the same. No ... it's not. Traditional christians/jews do not kill their 'disobedient' daughters because religion allows it. Traditional islam do in fact do that. Especially if they are Salafi/Wahhabists ... in fact in UK there was recently a case where a daughter was killed in concert with her mother because she refused to go back to Pakistan and marry some guy there. They killed her in the family home and they felt no remorse.
wb1988 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 No ... it's not. Traditional christians/jews do not kill their 'disobedient' daughters because religion allows it. Traditional islam do in fact do that. Especially if they are Salafi/Wahhabists ... in fact in UK there was recently a case where a daughter was killed in concert with her mother because she refused to go back to Pakistan and marry some guy there. They killed her in the family home and they felt no remorse. Maybe my view is different because of the type of Muslims I know (mostly palestinian-american, persian-american, emirati, etc). Also as an American living in London I've noticed that the islamic issue isn't so much with muslims but rather people from Pakistan that happen to be muslims. Like you'll never see a moroccan guy doing that jihaddi ****. Also I lived in Indonesia for 2 years and they never do that crazy alalala violence. The problem is with the country not the religion. But maybe the OP is doing a good thing by going outside her race/religion because it sounds like she's Pakistani herself.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Your mother is a control freak (fairly common in conservative Islamic cultures), and it sounds like your dad and brother generally take her side. Do you have anyone outside the immediate family besides your boyfriend you can turn to for help and counsel? A friend or extended relative? If you marry your boyfriend, you risk losing the relationship with your family of origin. And marriage isn't fool-proof. So you need to be prepared to take care of yourself in any outcome. I left home at age 17 because my dad was verbally abusive and just had a lot of darkness in his heart, so I know how difficult it can be to live with a parent who's got some mental issues. (It's only now, 20 years later, that we are truly making amends. He has the same mental issues, but I know how to deal with him now.) I would make the same decision to go out on my own again. It's better to live a humble life and work hard in peace, than live with a person with mental issues who wants to drag you down into their misery. Your mother needs to learn that you're not her property - you're an individual with your own life and vision of happiness. 3
Radu Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Maybe my view is different because of the type of Muslims I know (mostly palestinian-american, persian-american, emirati, etc). Also as an American living in London I've noticed that the islamic issue isn't so much with muslims but rather people from Pakistan that happen to be muslims. Like you'll never see a moroccan guy doing that jihaddi ****. Also I lived in Indonesia for 2 years and they never do that crazy alalala violence. The problem is with the country not the religion. But maybe the OP is doing a good thing by going outside her race/religion because it sounds like she's Pakistani herself. If you will look at the distribution of foreign fighters in ISIS you will see that they come from certain countries who have a tradition of religious fundamentalism. Saudi Arabia [all Sunni's in it are Wahhabists] ... Pakistan [northern especially] ... Afghanistan [certain areas in the latter 2]. There are secularized muslim countries ... but if the mother is using religion as a control mechanism ... then she will embrace fundamentalism in order to rationalize why she has to be like this.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Hello. I needed some advice and to vent. So I come from a semi strict Islamic family. My mom is religious, dad not. But dating was always a strict taboo. I'm 23 When I was 21 I was fed up. I dated someone and feel deeply for him. Things did not work out and it was a messy painful breakup. During this time, my mom was fed up with my constant texting. She broke into my phone and read my phone messages. I hadn't been bad to her or done anything wrong but she used everything she read against me to say horrible things. A few months later I was going through a crash and a hard time. She blamed the situation on me and "God punishing me" I needed help badly. During this time I met my current boyfriend. He drove me and helped in any way that he could. During this time I learned he had neurofibromitosis. A minor case. He had some help in reading during his school years. But had gotten his associates (didn't want to spend more for a bachelors) and has a steady full time job at a printing shop. We have fallen deeper and deeper. He is immensely loyal and helpful. Romantic. We have good chemistry and both knew right away we were right for each other. I introduced him as a friend and he embraced my parents and helped them. He proposed to me and we need 2-3 years. We have a plan set out and our budgets together to put a down payment on a place (we both have a clear cut plan and have let each other in to our bank accounts to keep each other on track) We both love at home to save money for rent. We want our own place, and both have modest incomes. I finally told my mom about him and the proposal. My mom would not stop screaming. She calls him ugly, stupid, and low class. She forbid me from marrying him and told me even after she dies she will wish bad on us and not allow it. He has been noting but helpful and respectful. She still calls him these horrible things and says I deserve better. She keeps using my ex against me arguing you can't fall in love twice to two different people. She says I'm being brainwashed and what I am feeling is fake. She wants to arrange marriage me, and is furious and calling me selfish for not going with what she wants and making her sick. My parents can't drive, and are senior citizens and i help out a ton at home. I feel I can't leave. My moms constant screaming and crying all day. Her, my dad and brother (who is also semi estranged) all blame me for making her sick. And I am genuinely am afraid since she has illness that she is going to kill herself being like this. She will not even talk to my BF and will not stop this madness until I promise I won't ever talk to him again and marry a man that is my race and religion. (Even though my bf is happy to embrace my culture and already to pretend to convert) I want him and he refuses to leave. My mom also makes this impossible emotionally. What do I do? I think you are confusing "can't leave" with can't stay... also, I don't think that pretending (for whose benefit? your mom's ??) to convert is "embracing" anything. All that matters is how YOU feel about your boyfriend. IF he is what you want more than anything... stop worrying about how much money you're saving, and move out with him. And feel your own blood pressure drop once you are out and beyond your parents' reach. (though I have to wonder, in cases like yours, if the daughters are more falling in love more so to get AWAY from the family, than they are interested in the lover)
acrosstheuniverse Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Your Mother is emotionally abusive. She can't hide behind religion to excuse her actions. I agree with the posters saying until you're ready to go your own way, get your own place and be independent, you are not ready to get married either. You have a choice here. Follow what YOU want for YOUR life, or be your Mother's puppet indefinitely.
Auspecial Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Consider this to be a blessing. You've made your choice of your future and your happiness vs. your mother. Cutting ties will end a lot of future heartbreak with this unstable woman.
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