littlesister1234 Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I had a rough few weeks with my boyfriend. I don't think I could ever forgive him or make anymore excuses for the way he has been to me. Getting back together seems very unlikely now and I will explain why. He called me up today, which isn't unusual, cause after our no contact period, we have reestablished contact. We are each other's best friend. We had decided to take a break with the intention of getting back together. We just had a lot going on and the stress was getting to us. He needed some therapy to get over things in his past, and I was dealing with the stress of work, school and my dad's third heart attack. He admitted to me that three weeks ago, during our no contact, he had a one night stand with another woman. She is now calling him telling him that he is three weeks pregnant, which is very unlikely since he had chemo not to long ago, and he had his sperm tested and they said, the chances are very low for him to conceive. We had never used protection and I am healthy and have never been pregnant. This hurts me a lot naturally since we did have the intention of getting back together. I am going to move on with my life, but I was just wondering, where are the boundaries of forgiving someone and moving on? When would you ever forgive a cheating partner? Only if kids are involved?
Satu Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Forgiveness isn't compulsory. It is an option that some people choose and some reject. Its worth noting that premature forgiveness can make people feel worse. Its different from person to person. You'll find out whats best for you, by listening to what you are saying to yourself. Take good care of yourself. 1
coryreply Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Sorry this happened. I'm curious, were the rules of "the break" clearly defined? Not to make light of your situation, but in situations like this I always think back to that episode of Friends when Ross sleeps with another woman while he and Rachel are on a break. She defined it as cheating, he did not feel the same way.
Author littlesister1234 Posted March 18, 2015 Author Posted March 18, 2015 Sorry this happened. I'm curious, were the rules of "the break" clearly defined? Not to make light of your situation, but in situations like this I always think back to that episode of Friends when Ross sleeps with another woman while he and Rachel are on a break. She defined it as cheating, he did not feel the same way. I never expected this to be honest. In all the time we were together, he was very faithful and loyal. He had never done this before with other of his ex girlfriends (his friends and family told me this (some even being exgfs), then again as far as they know) and he knows how it feels to be the one who is betrayed. He has pulled some disrespectful things before (nothing like this though, was mostly just pulling his phone out and ignoring me which I really hated, and sometimes I would tell him something and he would spread my business to his friends and family before I was ready to tell them), and I have always chose to remain blind because I love him. But this was just the ultimate slap in the face, because if anything, his credibility is ruined for me. I asked him if it were me pregnant in the time we were in a break, would he feel betrayed and hurt? He said yes, he would be hurt if I was pregnant by another man while on break with the intention of getting back. This is enough for me to know, that the "rules" were very clear. Unless he is just an idiot.
coryreply Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Yeah, from what you shared, it sounds like there shouldn't have been much confusion on his part. He knew what he was doing was wrong. Did he make a one-time mistake, a moment of indiscretion or did he do it to try and hurt you?
Author littlesister1234 Posted March 21, 2015 Author Posted March 21, 2015 Yeah, from what you shared, it sounds like there shouldn't have been much confusion on his part. He knew what he was doing was wrong. Did he make a one-time mistake, a moment of indiscretion or did he do it to try and hurt you? I asked him that too. He said that he was confused at the moment about everything and wanted to live a little. So I guess he really is just an idiot. It is hard to tell though why he did it, to hurt me or just out of stupidity. He told me three weeks after it happened, when this other woman from the one night stand told him she was pregnant (I don't know if it's his, nor do I care. He had testicular cancer not too long ago and the doctors proved that it would be very hard for him to have children through intercourse. We had unprotected sex plenty of times, even during my fertile days and I have never been pregnant by him, and I'm healthy. She's just looking for some dumb as s to pay for this kid.) He is my best friend, and I can forgive him over time, but I don't think it would be fair to me to someday be in a relationship with him again other than our friendship. I can't trust him with anything more than a cup of coffee and catching up on what we are both doing in our careers. 1
No Limit Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 (edited) When would you ever forgive a cheating partner? Only if kids are involved? Forgiving for cheating isn't the problem. After the initial upsetting anger and resentment I'd probably not care much anymore, so I'd say after 4 - 10 months I'd be over it, with or without kids. But forgiving doesn't mean going back. I may forgive but I could never forget, so getting back together is impossible and I'd move on. Not even the "love of my life" or "soulmate" would be worth the humiliation of degrading myself into the girl that stayed (JUST my opinion about myself, I don't consider all betrayed who reconcile poor losers; I just hold a different standard for myself). Which also answers your question - you have to set your own boundaries yourself. Edited March 21, 2015 by No Limit 1
preraph Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 I had a rough few weeks with my boyfriend. I don't think I could ever forgive him or make anymore excuses for the way he has been to me. Getting back together seems very unlikely now and I will explain why. He called me up today, which isn't unusual, cause after our no contact period, we have reestablished contact. We are each other's best friend. We had decided to take a break with the intention of getting back together. We just had a lot going on and the stress was getting to us. He needed some therapy to get over things in his past, and I was dealing with the stress of work, school and my dad's third heart attack. He admitted to me that three weeks ago, during our no contact, he had a one night stand with another woman. She is now calling him telling him that he is three weeks pregnant, which is very unlikely since he had chemo not to long ago, and he had his sperm tested and they said, the chances are very low for him to conceive. We had never used protection and I am healthy and have never been pregnant. This hurts me a lot naturally since we did have the intention of getting back together. I am going to move on with my life, but I was just wondering, where are the boundaries of forgiving someone and moving on? When would you ever forgive a cheating partner? Only if kids are involved? In my opinion when the grievance is this big, you forgive for your own peace of mind, but you do not accept the behavior back into your life. Anytime you do that, you are just lowering the bar of how much bad treatment you will accept. If you take him back, he'll do it again. Why spend your life with a many who is going around making babies and having to pay child support with them to other women. Even if he turns out to be sterile, it doesn't change the terrible behavior.
regine_phalange Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 It's easy to think you've forgiven someone for cheating, until you get back with them. Then you'll probably treat them like garbage. 1
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