lisa50 Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Hi - Someone please help me make light of this ... Little background... I met my current boyfriend about 10 years ago , we dated a while fall in love but the timing was off , we had too many things going on in our life. We always saw each other because we have mutual friends. the chemistry never died , we just decided it wasn't right. But he always gave me this intense feeling, I love him so much. Recently we decided to try again and been together for almost a year . We both have one child outside the relationship and live together with my child, his comes on weekends. I love his family , we get along great, good friends , awesome lovers , family oriented and everything. Not saying he is perfect but he is a good guy. To this day he still gives me that intense feeling. BUT our biggest issue is COMMUNICATION. If we have an issue little or big he is quick to shut down , needs time to himself ..last time it was days (he doesn't leave the house just we barely speak and do not discuss the issue) , doesn't want to talk it out or come up with a solution . His thing is I`ll never let it happen again or im over it so no need to discuss. Now how am I suppose to be okay with this ? This is the guy who says he wants to spend his life with me , life has its ups and down is this how we going to deal with things ? Now on the flip side, I always knew he had this issue but he promised he would work on it . But he hasn't , or am I forcing him to be something or do something its really not him . AM I wrong for that ? Because I am the type to deal with issues and resolve them and he just wants to move on like things never happened. I don't know , is this a male thing ??? I do love him dearly , we have come so far to get here, involved our children yet I feel my life will be so stressed like this. this is my biggest issue with him. Is this a deal breaker ? Advice please thank you
badpenny Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Yes, it's known as being passive-aggressive. He gets mad, and deals with the situation entirely on his terms. He doesn't want to talk about it, so the deal is that nobody says a word, but he lets you fester, because it suits him to do that. As long as he gets his way, really he doesn't care how you have to deal with it, he's not prepared to engage. The only solution I can give you is that you actually write him a letter on how it makes you feel, how unfair it is, how CONTROLLING it is and how uncomfortable he makes you feel. It's all done on his terms and it's unacceptable. And you tell him, you are prepared to not talk about it for one hour - but he has to give you the liberty, courtesy and consideration to express your own feelings on the subject, after that time, and to discuss the matter to a mutually acceptable resolution. You resent being silenced and not being given the opportunity to express your emotions. You request - demand - a compromise. He has to meet you half way, or you can see this relationship going pear-shaped.
Clay Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Communication is the most important in the relaitonship. If you cant get that fixed or at least to where he is getting help (working on it in some way shape or form) then your relationship might not make it. What happened when the difficult decisions have to be made and there is a time line on them. I sounds like your in a very difficult spot. Clay
preraph Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I think it is mostly a male thing and the bad part is I think it's about feeling like a woman shouldn't have the right to challenge his authority. There's still a whole lot of guys who won't help around the house if the wife suggests it, just on principle. You have to be able to function. He could do it and think about it later and then renegotiate, but when you've got a busy life and a kid, he needs to grow up and learn to handle dealing with things.
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