What would you do in this crisis?

[PinkInTheLimo]

He ended up missing everything at his job -- I drove 3 hours to work. Now, I found out he's driving here right now because he wants to be at dinner with me and he can't take me being alone with a bunch of single men in my town.

 

This sounds very scary. You need to break it off with him now and I can already tell you this. In order to get rid of this guy you will have to contact the police and a restraining order.

 

The longer you let this last, the more he will feel entitled because he will say that you have lead him on.

 

Read everything you can from Lundy Bancroft. He says that one of the first things controlling men do is to try to sabotage their women's job. That is what he is doing right now. He will even go as far as embarrass you in front of colleagues.

 

I don't understand how a professional woman accepts his antics.

 

Plus why on earth commute 6 hours to work every day. That's impossible.

[kylle]

This guy is nuts, not marrying him is gonna be the best thing you've ever done.

[d0nnivain]

Do you think he really sounds that unstable?

 

 

I know it's not pretty - what I've described....but I tend to blame myself.

 

 

My therapist tried to convince me that I can't save him -- and heal him....no matter what I think.

 

 

SHe's worried he would hurt me - since he has a history of rage - and getting extremely angry.

 

 

Listen to your therapist!!!!!! Yes, this man is unstable. With a history of rage it's only a matter of time before he kills you. That is not an exaggeration.

 

 

Like most abusers he wants you under his thumb. Wanting to pay for everything is not about caring. It's about making you dependent on him so you can't leave.

[Methodical]

He wants you to HAVE to depend on him for everything, which will strip your power, self-esteem, self-worth, etc. He is controlling, manipulative, egotistical, and immature. If he loved you, he would want to be with, to share his life with you and you with him And Not On His Terms Only. Run! RUN! RUN!! This guy is bad news.

[horses]

It is easy to say run, but it is hard for me to process everything and rip the band aid.

 

I have tried before and he just comes right back begging or manipulating.

 

One time we broke up and he thought I had quit my job and he knew I had little money.

 

I told him to ship my belongings to me and he sent them C O D.

 

And he had boxed up my stuff and just threw glass awards etc all over and they broke.

 

When he asked me why I feel so insecure about quitting my job, I mentioned the COD. He said well I eventually paid! I said only because we got back together.

 

He said I think it's only fair (if we didn't get back together) to do that ... After all the money I've spent on you and this relationship.

[PhoenixRysing]

Obviously a different user name but the story is eerily similar. Here are 27 pages of advice regarding a relationship just like this one...perhaps you can glean something from the thread that will help you.

 

If you needed to change your user name for some reason, please let us know what changed that made you go back to this man? You already know what you need to do. I am not trying to scare you off are call you out, but given everything in this thread I am legitimately concerned. Why would you go back after he almost destroyed you the first time?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/510858-inappropriate-behavior-young-girl

Edited March 18, 2015 by PhoenixRysing

[rester]

Obviously a different user name but the story is eerily similar. Here are 27 pages of advice regarding a relationship just like this one...perhaps you can glean something from the thread that will help you.

 

If you needed to change your user name for some reason, please let us know what changed that made you go back to this man? You already know what you need to do. I am not trying to scare you off are call you out, but given everything in this thread I am legitimately concerned. Why would you go back after he almost destroyed you the first time?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/510858-inappropriate-behavior-young-girl

 

Was JUST thinking the same thing.

 

 

This guy is a nutcase, OP, plain and simple. There is nothing normal or healthy about any of this. It's one of the most disturbing "relationships" I've read about on loveshack.

[anika99]

I wouldn't move 3 hours away from my child for any man, much less the abusive creep you have described in this thread. That man is a mental case and I really don't think your friends are jealous as you suggested in your first post. Is that what he tells you? Not to listen to your friends because they are just jealous? LOL..typical abuser.

 

 

I really think you need to break up with this guy ASAP. You need complete no contact for a few months with this guy so that you can get your thinking cleared up. This man does not love you. I know he devotes all of his time to you, I know he completely focussed on you, I know he cries and begs and declares his undying love to you. But that's not love. Its the actions of a sick and disturbed man. I've BTDT. It only gets worse. Giving up your life to move in with this man will be a huge mistake. You won't come out of this fog your brain seems to be stuck in until you completely cut him off.

[rester]

I wouldn't move 3 hours away from my child for any man, much less the abusive creep you have described in this thread. That man is a mental case and I really don't think your friends are jealous as you suggested in your first post. Is that what he tells you? Not to listen to your friends because they are just jealous? LOL..typical abuser.

 

 

I really think you need to break up with this guy ASAP. You need complete no contact for a few months with this guy so that you can get your thinking cleared up. This man does not love you. I know he devotes all of his time to you, I know he completely focussed on you, I know he cries and begs and declares his undying love to you. But that's not love. Its the actions of a sick and disturbed man. I've BTDT. It only gets worse. Giving up your life to move in with this man will be a huge mistake. You won't come out of this fog your brain seems to be stuck in until you completely cut him off.

 

I think she needs to break up with him AND get a restraining order. I don't think this guy is safe to be around.

 

Listen to your friends, OP. They are not jealous. They care about your safety.

[preraph]

It is easy to say run, but it is hard for me to process everything and rip the band aid.

 

I have tried before and he just comes right back begging or manipulating.

 

One time we broke up and he thought I had quit my job and he knew I had little money.

 

I told him to ship my belongings to me and he sent them C O D.

 

And he had boxed up my stuff and just threw glass awards etc all over and they broke.

 

When he asked me why I feel so insecure about quitting my job, I mentioned the COD. He said well I eventually paid! I said only because we got back together.

 

He said I think it's only fair (if we didn't get back together) to do that ... After all the money I've spent on you and this relationship.

 

You don't wrangle with him. You block him, change your number, change your job and address if it comes to that. The first thing an abuser does is try o get you isolated from friends and family so they can control you. You will NOT be able to reason with him, so stop trying. The only way to get rid of him is to disappear and block him.

[horses]

The hard part is I fall for his apologies every time. I believe I love him and I know that makes one question what is wrong with me.

 

Here's my question. How do I MAKE myself end this. I have had a few nights where I have done it. And started to leave and then I fold. I end up begging for us to be back together and I am sucked into the memories of oh good things were.

 

He keeps telling me that the traveling to see me (since I won't quit) Has beat the relationship

 

And the minute I get to the point of saying okay I'm just going to quit and be with him ... Something happens and he gets angry and says things like "I don't know if this is solvable ". "You aren't really happy..."

 

That's what bothers me. He thinks I've quit my job and have nothing and he says these things ...

 

If I was truly without work I would be terrified!

[SerCay]

Also sounds like you're making more money than he is.

 

Jealous guys usually can't deal with that..they need a gal that looks up to them.

 

All issues aside, he sounds very unstable like somebody else already wrote.

It's impossible to live with an emotionally unstable person...and be succesful in life yourself.

[d0nnivain]

To make yourself stick to your guns, you print out this thread.

 

 

Second, you make a list: All the Reasons He's Bad for Me.

 

 

After you write the list, you read it: every morning when you wake up, every night before you go to bed & every time you feel weak or like you are going to give in.

 

 

You also get support from your therapist.

[horses]

I've been thinking a lot about why I love being with him so much. I think it's because he makes me feel very beautiful. Like I'm important to him. I feel like a prize and he treats me like a queen when I'm under his wing.

 

And I think that would last if I didn't cause his jealousy. Or spent too much time away from him. He wants a partner. Someone who is always there with him. And I love that too. But, it's on his conditions.

 

And he is always suspicious.

[rester]

The hard part is I fall for his apologies every time. I believe I love him and I know that makes one question what is wrong with me.

 

Here's my question. How do I MAKE myself end this. I have had a few nights where I have done it. And started to leave and then I fold. I end up begging for us to be back together and I am sucked into the memories of oh good things were.

 

He keeps telling me that the traveling to see me (since I won't quit) Has beat the relationship

 

And the minute I get to the point of saying okay I'm just going to quit and be with him ... Something happens and he gets angry and says things like "I don't know if this is solvable ". "You aren't really happy..."

 

That's what bothers me. He thinks I've quit my job and have nothing and he says these things ...

 

If I was truly without work I would be terrified!

 

If you quit your job you are screwed. You need to keep your independence. This guy doesn't love you, he wants to own you and possess you like a trophy on the wall. He wants you away from your friends and son so that you will have nothing but him to fall back on. He will give you nothing unless you do as he says. You know this, you just need to get it sunken into your head. Listen to your friends and your therapist and do what's best for your son. Get away from this man ASAP.

[coryreply]

It sounds to me like he is letting his deep, emotional insecurities and fears drive his life. You mentioned your therapist, does he have one?

[horses]

No he doesn't have a therapist.

 

 

One time when we broke up he told me he talked to a therapist who basically said that I was the problem.

 

 

And that my desire to see my son and having guilt about not having him with me all the time - was something that "I" had to get over....

 

 

He also said that this therapist thought I had hang ups...

 

 

The problem was that we broke up since I took off while he was at work and went to my son's hometown. So, he cut off my money supply while I was out of town to see my son. I panicked and begged for my job back and went right back to work. But, I had no where to sleep (I had moved to BF's house) and I had to ask my ex husband to let me sleep on his couch. I got off work at 11pm and had no where to go, because I couldn't even gas up my car to get back to his house...3 hours away. No money.

 

 

What I didn't know was that he had a private investigator following me and they found me at my ex's house.

 

 

So, he told me the therapist said something was VERY wrong with me for sleeping at my ex's house - no matter the reason. He said I should have slept in my car before sleeping on his couch....

 

 

He said that the therapist said I had major issues and he should not be with me....

 

 

So that was the extent of his therapy --

[kylle]

No he doesn't have a therapist.

 

 

One time when we broke up he told me he talked to a therapist who basically said that I was the problem.

 

 

And that my desire to see my son and having guilt about not having him with me all the time - was something that "I" had to get over....

 

 

He also said that this therapist thought I had hang ups...

 

 

The problem was that we broke up since I took off while he was at work and went to my son's hometown. So, he cut off my money supply while I was out of town to see my son. I panicked and begged for my job back and went right back to work. But, I had no where to sleep (I had moved to BF's house) and I had to ask my ex husband to let me sleep on his couch. I got off work at 11pm and had no where to go, because I couldn't even gas up my car to get back to his house...3 hours away. No money.

 

 

What I didn't know was that he had a private investigator following me and they found me at my ex's house.

 

 

So, he told me the therapist said something was VERY wrong with me for sleeping at my ex's house - no matter the reason. He said I should have slept in my car before sleeping on his couch....

 

 

He said that the therapist said I had major issues and he should not be with me....

 

 

So that was the extent of his therapy --

 

100 bucks he didn't see any therapist, unless he counts the bartender...

[ladyc4]

I've only just skimmed this thread, but red flags are flying, sirens are screaming....

For heavens' sake , KEEP your job.

Lose this guy.

pardon my french, but he sounds absofreakinlutely batsh*t crazy.

I realize you have time invested in this relationship, and that you care about the guy, but this is a time to save your own life-perhaps literally.

[horses]

The thing that he keeps doing is traveling to the town where I work -- he thinks I am going to move back with him and quit this job - as previously discussed.

 

 

But, what's probably most crazy/weird - is he only works a couple of hours in the morning - sometimes until noon. Then, he gets on a flight and flys back to my town to take me to dinner.

 

 

He says that he just can't take the anxiety of having me in that town by myself for dinner -- and he worries that I am going out with people after work.

 

 

 

 

Today, I went to the mall. We have continued to share our location on our iphones. He started calling repeatedly asking why I was in a hotel. I was not! I didn't answer first couple of times because I was in a store checking out. When I did, he said that my location showed I was in a hotel. Well, it's close to the parking lot in the mall. I said no...

 

 

Then he said "something was weird with me" because my texts were not coming through in a different color and he wondered if I was trying to hijack the location services by using a different phone ....

 

 

I said NO! He said that he believed I was and that he couldn't take the fact that I was playing games.

 

 

Then, he calmed down and told me he was getting ready to fly back to me - and I told him don't bother. He's currently freaking out and I am doing my best to avoid and block.

[GemmaUK]

This is ridiculous!

 

 

I am not exaggerating here, do you want to die at the hands of your partner?

 

 

If you do then read a freebie short book on Kindle (you can get a free pc download for Kindle) called The Jealousy Game by Mandy White.

It takes you all the way through from great guy who gets a bit jealous to actual death.

 

 

You could also read Dangerous Men and How to Avoid Them by Sandra L. Brown.

The checklist of 21 (I think it was) traits for a physically violent man, my ex had 16 of them, your guy has more.

 

 

Or read Toads and the Women who Kiss Them by Alexandra Nouri.

 

 

This guy does not care about you, nor does he love you.

His stimulus is his own happiness - which is why it all revolves around him.

 

 

Nothing you will ever do will be enough.

[horses]

OMG! I just downloaded that book. So far it is EXACT to what I'm dealing with!

 

 

Except he has his own successful career and does not want to work with me.

 

 

But this is insane -- exactly what I am dealing with!

 

 

 

 

This is ridiculous!

 

 

I am not exaggerating here, do you want to die at the hands of your partner?

 

 

If you do then read a freebie short book on Kindle (you can get a free pc download for Kindle) called The Jealousy Game by Mandy White.

It takes you all the way through from great guy who gets a bit jealous to actual death.

 

 

You could also read Dangerous Men and How to Avoid Them by Sandra L. Brown.

The checklist of 21 (I think it was) traits for a physically violent man, my ex had 16 of them, your guy has more.

 

 

Or read Toads and the Women who Kiss Them by Alexandra Nouri.

 

 

This guy does not care about you, nor does he love you.

His stimulus is his own happiness - which is why it all revolves around him.

 

 

Nothing you will ever do will be enough.

[horses]

I guess what I just don't understand is that I can't seem to get myself to hate him or WANT to leave him. I have moments like that when he's angry etc, but I wish I just didn't want him anymore.

 

 

I try to read through this thread and other blogs etc about psychopathy to get angry -- I just want to dislike him so much.

 

 

There must be something wrong with me, for me to allow this kind of treatment.

[PinkInTheLimo]

The thing that he keeps doing is traveling to the town where I work -- he thinks I am going to move back with him and quit this job - as previously discussed.

 

 

But, what's probably most crazy/weird - is he only works a couple of hours in the morning - sometimes until noon. Then, he gets on a flight and flys back to my town to take me to dinner.

 

 

He says that he just can't take the anxiety of having me in that town by myself for dinner -- and he worries that I am going out with people after work.

 

 

 

 

Today, I went to the mall. We have continued to share our location on our iphones. He started calling repeatedly asking why I was in a hotel. I was not! I didn't answer first couple of times because I was in a store checking out. When I did, he said that my location showed I was in a hotel. Well, it's close to the parking lot in the mall. I said no...

 

 

Then he said "something was weird with me" because my texts were not coming through in a different color and he wondered if I was trying to hijack the location services by using a different phone ....

 

 

I said NO! He said that he believed I was and that he couldn't take the fact that I was playing games.

 

 

Then, he calmed down and told me he was getting ready to fly back to me - and I told him don't bother. He's currently freaking out and I am doing my best to avoid and block.

 

I said earlier that you have your stuff together but I have to take that back. You probably have your professional stuff together but you have a weakness in your character which still makes you flattered by his attention. So you refuse to see the red flags and get some kick out of this sick dance you are doing with him.

 

You are not ready to let him go, he is still feeding something which you need.

And as such that would be fine, and I would say: do as you please, keep in contact with him and find it all out for yourself, and maybe at some point when you really deep in the misery you might even find a way to still post here and give an account that is even more horrible than the way it is already now.

 

BUT.

YOU HAVE A CHILD.

 

So it does not matter whether you feel hate for this guy or not, you have to behave like an ADULT and break all contact with this guy for the simple reason that this guy is dangerous so if you have any love for your kid, you have to kick that crazy psycho guy out of your life ASAP. And forget about the fact that you might crave the attention of a guy.

 

You see, this guy is crazy but so are you, or you would not have stayed for 8 months in this sick relationship.

 

Your child has to be your first priority. Of course you want to have some adult attention but this guy is not the one you should try to get it from.

[PinkInTheLimo]

And now I will no longer react in this thread because I know your type. You know he is crazy yet you will keep asking obvious questions here and two years down the road you will still not have gotten rid of this guy.

You are an adult, you have a kid, behave like an adult. If you like to suffer (and some people seem to like that) we will not be able to stop you.