horses Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 So, I'm new here. I'm realizing that my boyfriend is acting a bit crazy. I have told a few friends about his behavior and they seem to question my sanity for staying with him. However, I am sure they are jealous/biased too. I'll start here. He's tried to get engaged to me a couple of times now but the trips he has planned -- I've made excuses not to be able to go, because I am leery of his behavior at times. The big problem we have is that I want to hold onto my career. He wants me to move to be near him and just find "something".....but for the past 15 years my career has been everything to me. So, I came very close to quitting after promising him a million times that I would....He thought I had given notice. I hadn't done so....I was still evaluating....living with him etc. The very next day we got into an argument about me not showing him all my emails between me and my ex husband. He accused me of all types of horrible things. He told me he could imagine that I was agreeing to "suck his di**" just to get a better divorce deal. (I've been divorced for a year, but we are still dealing with legal custody matters). I said MY GOD! I would never! I can't believe you said that to me. Then he said that he is not willing to pay child support to my ex (even though he wants me to quit my job) and that he wants me to sign a major pre-nup if he were to ever marry me. When I said - well, I don't feel very secure now - I think I need to get my job back and move back home and he said "here you go again...I'm not going to engage to a woman who can't give me what I need and stay in my house and be with me all the time." I said well, you just said you won't pay child support and you want me to sign a pre-nup! He said that he just doesn't want to deal with my ex's financial obligations but he will always take care of ME. He is drawing a line in the sand. He says that I need to quit my career and find a job in his town -- and stop working asap. I told him that if I work for one more week I have the opportunity to meet with the top official in my industry. (It's a very big deal). He said that I need to make a choice. That I have "beat our relationship" hard enough and he is sick and tired of everything being about me. Now, he also has failed to show up for his OWN work several times in the past few weeks. When he discovers that I am going to go to my own work (back home) he freaks out and just doesn't show up for his clients. He is nearly losing his business because he says I have beat him down so hard. All I want to do is work and be self sufficient in case he choses to screw me over. If you were me, what would you do? Is this salvageable?
GorillaTheater Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Is this salvageable? Based on what I'm reading, I can't say that I'm terribly optimistic. He sounds a little too controlling and, yeah, abusive. One question, though: how far of a move are we talking about? 3
rester Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I wouldn't give up a good career for someone like you are describing. He doesn't have your best interests in mind. He also sounds manipulative trying to make it your fault for his failing business. 6
Author horses Posted March 17, 2015 Author Posted March 17, 2015 The move is 3 hours away. We have been together 8 months and he wants me to just move in - without a job - and then he tells me that while he has a nice portfolio - he doesn't have much money to spend right now. I told him I can make 3k in a week and help pay my own bills until I get a job in his city. He started jumping up and down like a child saying that's not what he wants. That all he wants is me by his side. He also has a temper and that has caused issues. I have currently been commuting daily to his house -- 6 hours round trip.
toolforgrowth Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I think you're 100% correct in keeping your career. I would never give up my career for any woman, and you being adamant about keeping yours is perfectly reasonable. He expects you to stay in the house and be with him all the time? That right there would cause me to run like hell. 1
GemmaUK Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I would be getting the heck out of the RS..and I did as soon as I could after he told me to quit my job..oh, and sell my house... Are you dating my ex? Get out, don't look back. 3
GorillaTheater Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 That's one hell of a daily commute. But one thing I can tell you for sure is don't quit your job. Not just yet. I'll ask you the same thing I asked another poster today: what are the positives in this relationship? 2
d0nnivain Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 He sounds unstable & I don't see you two being together as an improvement in your life. If he's so hot & bothered to be with you and you would prefer to keep your career, why can't he move? It's a huge red flag to me that he's pushing this hard & you two have only been together 8 months. That short of a time is no reason to throw away a 15 year career. 5
Timshel Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I don't think any of this feels right to you. It doesn't so you know what you have to do. You are right, this is wrong. Anyone that does not support your independence and behaves in a controlling, manipulative way when they don't get what they want, PHfffffft. Walk away. There will be someone who loves you better. 1
Author horses Posted March 17, 2015 Author Posted March 17, 2015 The other issue that I have with him is that he's extremely jealous. And our arguments make my brain hurt. Take last night for example. Maybe this is normal? He wants me to quit work. He flew into town to make sure I drove back with him to his house. (He was worried that I would stay and not come back - so he got a one way ticket). I told him that I would quit but that I really wanted to go meet this top executive next week (this guy is a household name) and it will help me as I branch out and look for work in his town. He flipped out and started driving erratically. He screamed at me and said that he could not take this back and forth any more. That I had promised him I would be done with work and that he wouldn't have to worry about me not being in this other town by myself anymore. I said it's a great opportunity. He said oh yeah ...it's all YOU YOU YOU YOU. I said, well, if you want me to succeed in your town - this is necessary. It will help. I can use it as networking and leverage. He then calmed down and said "okay, I don't want to hold you back. I think you should go. I will be fine." I said - "okay, great. Thank you!" Then he went silent. I told him that it would require that I work for the rest of this week and have the meeting next Monday. He said "okay." Then, 10 minutes later. He started screaming about how he couldn't believe I was choosing this opportunity over him. That I am selfish and so self centered it disgusts him. I said, "I thought you said, I could go?" He said "oh here we go again ...turning this on me and blaming ME!" I said: "you told me that you were okay with it???" He said "I was just testing you to see what you truly want to do...and clearly your heart is not with me -- you don't respect me at all." So, when we woke up this morning, he started crying and shaking. He said that he couldn't take anymore and he begged me not to go to work. I said "I already committed!" He said "if you love me - you will tell them to go to hell". So then he spent hours yelling and crying. He missed all of his clients at the office and they left mad. I kept telling him to go to work and that I would be there to talk tonight after work or he could CALL me. I said "I love you..i'm not leaving you! I just want to go to work." He ended up missing everything at his job -- I drove 3 hours to work. Now, I found out he's driving here right now because he wants to be at dinner with me and he can't take me being alone with a bunch of single men in my town. I feel so stunned..... He sounds unstable & I don't see you two being together as an improvement in your life. If he's so hot & bothered to be with you and you would prefer to keep your career, why can't he move? It's a huge red flag to me that he's pushing this hard & you two have only been together 8 months. That short of a time is no reason to throw away a 15 year career.
d0nnivain Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I feel so stunned..... Me too. Re-read everything you have written. Pretend the person telling you these things is your daughter, your sister or your BFF. What would you tell her to do? Now go do that! 2
GorillaTheater Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 So, when we woke up this morning, he started crying and shaking. He said that he couldn't take anymore and he begged me not to go to work. I said "I already committed!" He said "if you love me - you will tell them to go to hell". So then he spent hours yelling and crying. Can there really be any doubt about what you should do? This guy is a f*cking nut. Time to call it a day. And you probably need to ask yourself why you've put up with this lunacy as long as you have. 4
preraph Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I honestly wouldn't give up a career I loved for anyone, and didn't. Unless they can provide you with all that and more plus the usual love and caring, it's not worth it. Your instincts are very good here. You knew something was off, and it is. He is one of those who once he gets you off isolated will get a lot worse in every way than he is now. Break off with him. 4
Author horses Posted March 17, 2015 Author Posted March 17, 2015 I truly wonder what it is - he tells me he has devoted his life to being with me and that's true...he's put SO MUCH energy into this. But, I don't understand why he can't just spend the days while I'm at work - going to be with his son or something similar. Instead, he feels he needs to be near me - even though I only get an hour dinner break. He will stay inside Starbucks and wait for hours (doing his work) until I get out ...he just can't help monitoring me. Can there really be any doubt about what you should do? This guy is a f*cking nut. Time to call it a day. And you probably need to ask yourself why you've put up with this lunacy as long as you have.
d0nnivain Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I truly wonder what it is - he tells me he has devoted his life to being with me and that's true...he's put SO MUCH energy into this. .he just can't help monitoring me. It's only been 8 months. "Monitoring you" for all that time is STALKING. He's mentally unbalanced. He sounds more & more dangerous. I'm worried about you. 6
Quiet Storm Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 This guy is mentally ill, in my opinion. He can't handle his emotions and relies on you to relieve his anxiety. He's looking for constant reassurance and making extreme demands because in his mind, your compliance is proof that you love him. His mind is not normal, though. It revolves only around his feelings and his comfort. Do not leave your job for this guy and do not get engaged to him. Your life with him will not be a pleasant one. You will be tiptoeing around him to avoid conflict, and you won't be able to be yourself. He is not concerned about your future, your happiness, your well being. I understand how all the attention and control can feel like love sometimes, but it's really not. That attention and control is not about his love for you, but issues within himself. You can't help him with these issues. He needs professional help. 5
preraph Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 He has emotional or mental problems keeping him from being able to do the things he needs to do. He shouldn't HAVE to expend this much energy. It will be like having another child if you keep him around, a problem child. 1
spiderowl Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 He is very controlling and it sounds like he is trying to isolate you from those people and places you know. This is potentially a very risky situation, given that he is also apparently turning nasty now that he thinks you have given up your job and are more vulnerable. I think you did the right thing by retaining your job. It would be foolish to go along with what this guy wants. What about your feelings? Why can't you do the things that matter to you? A guy who genuinely loved you would support you in doing that as you would support him. As he is controlling, I suspect that if you decide to opt out, he will not let you go without a battle, so if you do decide to leave him have a plan prepared - places to stay, friends nearby, and good security at work and home. Sorry this must be very stressful for you.
Gloria25 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Ok, I'm on ALL sides of the fence here, but before I begin I just wonder why how this may affect the children isn't being discussed. IMO, children come first. And for one, I would not be willing to put my children under the same roof with some guy I only know for 8 months with whom "dating" consisted of a 3 mile trip now and then....in other words, this guy is a stranger. You can't date someone 3 hrs away and think you know them in 8 months. I think him expecting a woman with kids to just pack up and move in with him on top of his persistent preocupation with "his" finances shows some guy who just wants somewhere warm to put it. If a man wants to take on a woman and kids, then assume responsibility for the "family" you wish to inherit. Gosh, I mean, how can you claim you love a person and tell them that while they are providing you with sex and companionship, their kids are their problem? Then, don't marry and/or shack up with them...just date them. See, the people who propose shack-ups think like the OPs bf. It's a matter of "convenience" and has no bearing on the quality, strength, and/or commitment in a RL. Now, here's the flip side. He may be making all these demands cuz too many men burnt by women eager to shack up and/or dump their bills and/or kids on some guy. So, maybe he wants you to "prove" yourself. Well, if he doesn't trust you or any woman who has kids and/or is demanding a shack-up so soon, then he should date childless women who got their own money, stuff, and who the thinks aren't looking for a free ride. But still, to demand a woman with kids "pay her half" is so ungentlemanlike....rrrgh 3
Author horses Posted March 18, 2015 Author Posted March 18, 2015 It's actually quite the opposite. He's angry that I wont let him support me and live in his house, without a secure job. He hates the fact that I like to make my own money and he says I just need to "surrender" and give in and move. He just wants me to up and quit asap....not even giving 2 weeks notice. He says "who cares?!" But, this is the same guy who is begging me to do that as he totally stands up his own clients and loses an assistant because he won't report to work when he needs to - when he's fighting with me. I asked him tonight, "why can't you just go to work and talk with me on the phone?" He said because he just can't function and that I get him so emotionally jacked up and he needs me to realize the level of damage I'm having on him. He says I am destroying his business and his life because he keeps chasing after me....He says he can't even eat because all he thinks about is me and the fact that I won't just move in and be done with it.
Gloria25 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 It's actually quite the opposite. He's angry that I wont let him support me and live in his house, without a secure job. He hates the fact that I like to make my own money and he says I just need to "surrender" and give in and move. He just wants me to up and quit asap....not even giving 2 weeks notice. He says "who cares?!" But, this is the same guy who is begging me to do that as he totally stands up his own clients and loses an assistant because he won't report to work when he needs to - when he's fighting with me. I asked him tonight, "why can't you just go to work and talk with me on the phone?" He said because he just can't function and that I get him so emotionally jacked up and he needs me to realize the level of damage I'm having on him. He says I am destroying his business and his life because he keeps chasing after me....He says he can't even eat because all he thinks about is me and the fact that I won't just move in and be done with it. That doesn't make sense. If he wants you to depend on him, then why all arguments about him not wanting to pay for some other guy's kids? Why the prenup? Better watch out he doesn't want you to move in to trap you and make you end up supporting him. I've seen those cases too. You'll be paying half/all the bills, but the assets with any value (home, vehicles, furniture) will all stay in his name. 1
Pinkdisney Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 8 months is very little time and for God's sake please do not quit your job for this nutcase! He's gone off the deep end, and being psycho should not be confused for devotion. RUN 3
Author horses Posted March 18, 2015 Author Posted March 18, 2015 Do you think he really sounds that unstable? I know it's not pretty - what I've described....but I tend to blame myself. My therapist tried to convince me that I can't save him -- and heal him....no matter what I think. SHe's worried he would hurt me - since he has a history of rage - and getting extremely angry.
preraph Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 You need to clear out that cloud in your head and listen to your therapist. You can't fix him and he probably is dangerous. And blaming yourself, well, that's a personal problem you need to keep talking to your therapist about with no basis in reality. 1
PinkInTheLimo Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 You sound like you have your stuff together. Why on earth would you let that unravel for this psycho? If this is what you see after 8 months, then what do you expect to see after 8 years from him? Jobs are hard to find these days. Financial independence is extremely important. If you have kids, even more. This guy is nothing but trouble. You should stop all contact with him NOW. 1
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