Navajo46 Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I was in a relationship with a younger girl... she is 27 and I am 38. I knew it wouldn't work in the beginning as she is a borderline alcoholic and has to drink every single night and be at some bar or something. We were together for 7 months or so and there was a side of her that was the sweetest girl I have ever met and then there was the meanest person I have ever seen. I probably broke up with her 10 different times and she would constantly beg for me to not give up but be unwilling to change anything. In the end we both decided that it just didn't work which was a few weeks ago. She would text just to see how I was doing and check in with me and I would just answer and not really elaborate etc. Then I started to miss her but still did not initiate any contact and didn't want to hang out with the same people we had been because I knew she would start dating asap since she is the type that cannot be alone. Sure enough two weeks after we finally ended things she is with someone. What in the heck is wrong with me that I miss her so much right now? She is so wrong for me in every way and I am hurting right now? Why do I see something and push people away and then miss them? 1
ApexTitanium Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I know how you feel man, my ex fiance left me and she's been going out with friends and going on dates while I chase her like crazy. I miss her so much and I'll never love anyone else. Every date she tells me about puts another crack on my already shattered heart. You have a lot of strength to not be the one to make contact, and to hold back telling her you miss her. I'm not that strong. Good for you man. 1
Author Navajo46 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Posted March 17, 2015 I am sorry to hear that man. I went through it a few years ago and was devestated. And I did no contact and ended up getting back into the best shape of my life and became desirable again. Eventually the pain faded to nothingness. But this time around, I just don't understand that even now I know it was completely wrong for me and I still miss her? I'm really starting to think that I am screwed up. 1
BlackbirdSong Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Bro, I'm in a very similar situation. My ex is 27 and I'm 37. Dated for 2 years, was going to propose in a few months. She took off because I couldn't give her a house, a ring, and kids right NOW. However, like your ex, she's now out with friends, dating dudes, and drinking again (so i've been told). I miss her like absolute crazy every single minute of every day, but we've maintained 5 weeks of no contact. She's moved on....I don't know why I can't. 1
Author Navajo46 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Posted March 17, 2015 I'm sorry to hear your situation as well man. I understand it though... you wanted to be with her. I understand the kind of feelings that you have being that you wanted a future with her at one time. It hurts so bad but will fade in time. I was in a relationship like that where I genuinely wanted to be with and she ended up cheating with her married boss and having a kid with him! I just don't understand what I am going through because I told myself a million times this girl wasn't right for me and that it was going to end at some point?!? I also knew that she was going to start seeing someone else quickly because it was what she has always done. She is the type to move someone in right away so she doesn't have to be by herself. She is now with a dude that has no license and no car and a DUI so it's right up her alley. 1
BlackbirdSong Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 You fell in love. That's what happens. I'm a victim as well. I think as men, our pride gets in the way when we see another male out with "our" women. I truly believe it's a biological thing that we can't really control. Our ancestors would have gotten all pissed off at the sight of that, tracked the new guy, and fought him to the death. We can't do that in our modern, civilized society. We have been castrated by society. lol 1
ApexTitanium Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I guess were all the same, they left us because they thought we weren't good enough. That's the worst pain in the world....feeling worthless and never good enough. Like you were absolutely nothing to them. I'm afraid if I saw her out on a date....I would grab the guy and drag him kicking out into the parking lot.. 1
Satu Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I watched a friend literally drink himself to death a few years. I found him dead in his home. Lots of people die everyday from alcoholism. It's a very sad thing to see.
BlackbirdSong Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I guess were all the same, they left us because they thought we weren't good enough. That's the worst pain in the world....feeling worthless and never good enough. No, the worst part is knowing that you ARE awesome and more than good enough, but she still doesn't want you.
gnick Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I guess were all the same, they left us because they thought we weren't good enough. That's the worst pain in the world....feeling worthless and never good enough. Like you were absolutely nothing to them. I'm afraid if I saw her out on a date....I would grab the guy and drag him kicking out into the parking lot.. I know how you feel. The guy my ex is with although he didn't do anything to me I would still love to beat his ass into the concrete ,ween him back to health just so I could do it again 2
ApexTitanium Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I know how you feel. The guy my ex is with although he didn't do anything to me I would still love to beat his ass into the concrete ,ween him back to health just so I could do it again I found out one of my ex's guy friends brought her flowers to her work on valentines day. I wish I knew where he lived. Even though she tells me he's 100% in the friends one...that he was only doing it because she was depressed that day.....I don't care, not one bit. I knew the guy he seemed alright, but still.....you know. She showed me messages from this one dude that she went on a date with that she blocked cuz he was messaging her like crazy....my heart sank well past my feet. I'm moving out of state....I can't do this anymore. She says no one will take my place in her heart.....I don't believe her. I'm drunk as **** right now.
ApexTitanium Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 No, the worst part is knowing that you ARE awesome and more than good enough, but she still doesn't want you. That she would rather be alone, or go on dates with random dudes than be with you? Yeah **** my life. She tells me she will be single for a LONG time. Why you going on dates then huh? She tells me its for the free food....mmmhm sure.
ApexTitanium Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I watched a friend literally drink himself to death a few years. I found him dead in his home. Lots of people die everyday from alcoholism. It's a very sad thing to see. I'm sitting in the place I proposed to my ex in, crying. I'm a half gallon of capt Morgan deep, with another pint waiting at my feet. Smoking cigs like its going out of style hahaha. This will be a fun day for sure hahaha. Happy st patty's day!
BlackbirdSong Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 That she would rather be alone, or go on dates with random dudes than be with you? Yeah **** my life. She tells me she will be single for a LONG time. Why you going on dates then huh? She tells me its for the free food....mmmhm sure. Lol. This seriously made me laugh. Wish I was drinking with ya dude. I could use a brew or twelve.... 1
ApexTitanium Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Lol. This seriously made me laugh. Wish I was drinking with ya dude. I could use a brew or twelve.... Come on over man, plenty of drinks to go around hahaha. 1
Downtown Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 There was a side of her that was the sweetest girl I have ever met and then there was the meanest person I have ever seen.Navajo, for purposes of this discussion, would you please clarify what her behavior was like when she was being "the meanest person I have ever seen." Specifically, did you see event-triggered flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing or hating you)? If so, did those flips occur in less than a minute -- being triggered by some minor thing you said or did? Did her temper tantrums typically last several hours but never more than 18 hours? Finally, did she always think of herself as "The Victim," generally blaming you for every misfortune to befall her?
AIJ Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Navajo, for purposes of this discussion, would you please clarify what her behavior was like when she was being "the meanest person I have ever seen." Specifically, did you see event-triggered flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing or hating you)? If so, did those flips occur in less than a minute -- being triggered by some minor thing you said or did? Did her temper tantrums typically last several hours but never more than 18 hours? Finally, did she always think of herself as "The Victim," generally blaming you for every misfortune to befall her? This was my ex in a nutshell.
HBK3317 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 I heard about some drinking going on...? Count me in bros, I cpuld really use some beers and friends at this point!
BlackbirdSong Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 I heard about some drinking going on...? Count me in bros, I cpuld really use some beers and friends at this point! You're welcome to join us brother! Cheers!
HBK3317 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Thanks BlackbirdSong! Cheers! Now where are the pints!! 1
Author Navajo46 Posted March 18, 2015 Author Posted March 18, 2015 Navajo, for purposes of this discussion, would you please clarify what her behavior was like when she was being "the meanest person I have ever seen." Specifically, did you see event-triggered flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing or hating you)? If so, did those flips occur in less than a minute -- being triggered by some minor thing you said or did? Did her temper tantrums typically last several hours but never more than 18 hours? Finally, did she always think of herself as "The Victim," generally blaming you for every misfortune to befall her? Yes that's pretty much it. She would be so sweet and adore me and absolutely hate the thought of losing me. But here is an example of the switch. One day I wanted to cook paninis for her because she loves them so I went bought a panini maker, sent her a bunch of recipes for paninis so she could pick what she wanted, picked up her cousin and went to the grocery store. I get over to her place and start making the paninis and it was taking too long and she started cleaning up before we were even done cooking. Then says she isn't even hungry anymore and tells me not to touch anything and starts just being ridiculous. So I left, I wasn't putting up with that. Then she sends me 100 texts telling me how sorry she is and that starts being so sweet but I did not go back. I can think of a thousand instances just like that.
Downtown Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Navajo, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., event-triggered irrational anger, controlling behavior, hating to be alone, rapid flips between Jekyll and Hyde, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Moreover, the repeated cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is one of the hallmarks of having strong traits of BPD. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD. I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and rapid event-triggered mood flips. I just don't understand that even now I know it was completely wrong for me and I still miss her? I'm really starting to think that I am screwed up.Perhaps you are "screwed up," Navajo. Yet, if you were dating a woman with strong BPD traits for 7 months, "screwed up" is pretty much how you would be feeling. Of the 157 disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5), BPD is the one most notorious for making a large share of the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. This is why therapists see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going crazy -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves. If you ever feel inclined to take her back, I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with. I also suggest you take a look at my list of BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid repeating the painful experience -- i.e., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like the one you left (if she has strong BPD traits). Take care, Navajo.
writergal Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 I watched a friend literally drink himself to death a few years. I found him dead in his home. Lots of people die everyday from alcoholism. It's a very sad thing to see. I'm so sorry that happened to your friend and that you had to go through that as his friend. 1
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