I cried last night.

[gd1039]

I know its not something guys are ever proud to admit, but I cried last night, and today.

 

I've posted recently about this girl I work with that I had been "talking with". I've known her (through work) for over a year but only started getting to know her since last November, then we didn't talk for a couple months and then recently we have been talking a lot more and gone out a few times. I'll be straighforward here. I haven't had a girlfriend in 3 years. In that time though I have gone on dates and met or became friends with a number of girls. It not only seemed like I couldn't meet someone who was also interested in me, but there was nobody I met that really intrigued me.

 

That was until this girl came along. I realize I don't know her extremely well, but I know based on everything I've experienced and everyone I've met that there is something truely unique and special about this girl. The point I'm getting at is that this isn't just some guy who has never talked to a girl in his life and falls for the first one he meets. It isn't that I like her and found out she likes me too and I am all nuts about it either. Even when I thought she wasn't interested in me I could see something in her that I haven't seen in anyone else.

 

The good news I know she likes me and she knows I like her. The bad news, she is in therapy because she is overcomming anorexia and doesn't want to bring anyone else into her problems right now. She did say that talking with me (especially about her problem) makes her feel better and that she likes me more than as a friend, but right now she just needs a friend.

 

I really do believe her, but I'm a wreck now. I've always tried to do what I thought was the right thing and do things that I thought would make me happy and stuff never really seems to work out. Now, I met this wonderful girl, and even though she likes me we have to be just friends for now.

 

It's killing me on the inside, I don't know what to do. I told her how I feel and said that I don't want to be out of the picture, so if a good friend is what she needs thats who I want to be. I want to be there for her and I want her to get better, I only hoped I could be there as her boyfriend, not just a friend.

 

On one hand, how long can I sit around with this girl, waiting for her to get better and be ready to date me? Its been a rollercoaster ride up to this point, but even when I thought she didn't like me, or when I couldn't tell if she liked me I stuck it out because I knew the effort would be worth it. But on the other hand I know shes great, so why would I want to date anyone else?

 

I've really got nobody I can talk to about this, thats why I posted. It is unbelievably difficult to think you finally found someone worth while and then know you can't get close to them just yet.

 

help.

[GirlDown]

i'm sorry for your pain. i don't think there's anything anyone can tell you other than what you know already, but i'll try.

 

at least she didn't push herself into a relationship with you for years and then break your heart. at least she didn't leave you at the altar. at least she isn't dead. there are worse things.

 

you know will get through it, it just takes time. sometimes things like these seem like the end all be all of everything, and we've all been there. it does get better, and it will for you too. you never know what will happen. you can tell yourself in time that she may feel differently. you can also tell yourself that in time, YOU may feel differently.

 

hope you feel better soon.

 

[Stylin22]

I dated a girl who was in therapy due to an eating disorder and such. You actually find out that's it's a whole lot more than an eating disorder and that the disorder is just a response to cope. The girl had been in a hospital or two on occasion but she seemed really great. Short, cute, cuddly, the best butt I've ever laid my eyes/hands on...BUT...she definitely had a lot of issues going on.

 

I learned that people do have to be ready for a relationship to be able to have one. Looking back, I'm pretty glad that things fizzled out like they did cause this girl could not handle much more than she had going on already. She gave me this book to read called Wasted by Marya Hornbacher and it really lets you know what's going on inside. Enlightening and anybody even wondering about bulimia or anorexia should read it. Once you can understand it better, maybe you'll be able to be patient a bit more.

 

Couple of questions...If this girl is so incredible, why wouldn't you wait for her? If it is just talking for the past few months, how are you so upset that you cried? I'm getting a feeling that you are selective and that when you find something, it's got to be the one and then it's like 150% all in...either that or there is a rejection theme here underlying it all. People will talk about "needing to be interested or intrigued" and have an amazingly strict method of filtering out what they want as a way of protecting themselves, a defense mechanism. And, when they find what comes close, it's all hyped up because 1) it's been so long in between and 2) it's built off of what the person "thinks" are great standards, when really the standards are set off of insecurity instead of what's good for you...I feel like this may be happening cause of how emotionally attached it seems you are....Just something to beware of...Hope I've helped

[gd1039]

girldown - yea, even as this has passed a couple days now I start to realize more and more things and am getting more level headed about the situation. I'm asking myself questions to be sure why I would stay through this, is it just for me, is it just for her, or is it both.

 

stylin22 - your post is just what I needed to read. She has talked to me about the anorexia and I understand how it is just a way to cope. She is a perfectionist and was going to a very competitive school and starting thinking if I can't be the best in grades (and such) I can be the skinniest. Even over the past 2 days since this has happened, I too have realized people need to be ready for a relationship and that is why I decided to stick around as her friend.

 

Your next paragraph really hit what I was thinking. I've asked myself why wouldn't I wait for her, as well as why would I (just for myself, for her, for both of us) I don't want to hurt her or me when I don't have to. You are right, I am very selective and I realize how that hurts my chances with girls, but knowing I will be happy in the long run is what keeps me going. Like I said, I have gone on dates with many girls and just never met anyone who I actually felt interested in other than looks.

 

I could care less about rejection at this point, because I've been turned down so many times, so there definitely isn't a rejection theme. I can't really dispute the part about having a strict method of fltering out what I want either, but I know what I mean by interested or intrigued. I know lots of girls that are pretty, but thats about all they bring to the table. This girl now, she is pretty and shes got a great personality to back it up (which is way mroe important than looks). I can actually think back to something she did or said and it will bring a smile to my face, something that doesn't really happen with other people.

 

You are definitely right about 1. its be so long in between. I haven't had a girlfriend in a long long time, but I have met and become friends with or had a date or 2 with numerous girls and in this long time couldn't find someone that I actually liked. Now I see a great girl and I can't have her just yet. I know I shouldn't be this emotionally attatched right now, and I'm working on clearing my head about why I am. That is why I said that I base what I see in her on everyone I've ever met. She has always just given off this charisma that I haven't seen in anyone else, and I hate to see it pass me by.

[gd1039]

I wanted to add too, I had a sort of "revelation" while I was sleeping last night. As I was falling asleep last night, I asked myself "If she did not want to date me, would I still stick around?" I answered no. I didn't really stay up after that, I pretty much just fell asleep.

 

Then I woke up this morning, in such a s***ty mood. Suddenly, and I'm not sure where it came from, I felt like I could see just how difficult going though the anorexia must be for her, and how alone she must feel. I realize as hard as I imagine it is for her, that is probably only a tiny portion of what she is actually going though, but regardless, I felt terrible for her this morning.

 

So, I asked myself again "If she did not want to date me, would I still stick around?" This time I said yes. Now certainly I wouldn't be there for her in the same capacity if I thought we were going to end up dating as if I knew we weren't, but regardless I still know I want to be there for her.

 

I guess other than my own insecurities, I have no reason to not believe her when she looked me in the eye and told me she does like me and it is just that she doesn't want to be unfair and bring me into the situation with her being sick right now.

[gd1039]

I just wanted to post a quick thought/question...

 

I was talking to her on the phone today and she seemed to be really interested in talking to me, saying to call her back later tonight if I wanted. That made me feel really good because it was nice to know she wanted to talk to me longer. We ended up making plans to watch a movie tonight, but she had to cancel because she had some stuff to do around the house.

 

Here's the thing that I have no solid thought about. Even if I can't be with her right now, it makes me feel good to at least be around her. Had we hung out tonight, in my own mind it would have been as more than friends but less than dating. I can't exactly describe what I am thinking right now though. I guess, I still see her as more than a friend (don't worry I'm not gonna try and put the moves on her) and I don't know if I just have a distorted view of what I want this to be, or if this is what it really is.

 

I mean, should I be looking at her like she is just another one of my friends now, or is it OK to get that gleam in my eye when I see her?

[whichwayisup]

Enjoy the gleam but keep it to yourself. She doesn't need any pressure right now.

 

I think you're unique and a good person for sticking with her. You obviously have deep feelings for her and she's lucky to have you in her life. Friend or otherwise.

 

Remember always her problems are hers. If she is not in a good mood, feeling down or feeling alone - All of it are her personal issues from past/previous that led her to her eating disorder...Don't make it about you, because it isn't about you. I say this because it's easy to worry and wonder, take things the wrong way, think that maybe you upset her etc... Just know that you are her friend and she does appreciate you in her life.

 

Take it slow and just enjoy her company when she is feeling good.

 

All the best!

[gd1039]

whichwayisup - I know it is something I need to keep to myself right now because she already has enough on her mind. I mean, when any of my friends call, its nothing big, but when I see her name come up I get a little excited. I enjoy talking to her differently than I enjoy talking to my freinds. I guess that I kinda feel like we are in the "talking" stage, when you aren't just friends, but not quite dating either. Kinda like that inbetween period where you know you both like eachother but for one reason or another it hasn't progressed yet. I hope that she sees this like I do...

 

Also, that is a GREAT point you made about her problems being hers, and not letting me think its me. It is definitely some advice I'm going to carry with me through this.

 

Even though this whole thing will be a challenge (for both of us) I sort of see it like putting in the effort now for a bigger payoff in the end. I could just keep her as a friend and start looking for another girl but why when she is right here? She is talking about going back away to school in the fall, and as much as I wish she would stay here for now I won't tell her that. She needs to do what will make her happy and feel the best. Even faced with the fact that things are possibly going to get even more difficult in a few months if she moves for school, I more or less see it as another bump in the road.

 

I just feel strange because this isn't some situation where I have been dating some girl for a long time, and she is faced with something difficult so I stick with her through it. This is just a girl that I know decently (and feel I have a connection with) that I want to hang in there with her. Maybe I know her better than I think. Or maybe in reality I don't know her all that well and in that case why don't I just stay her friend but move on?

 

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