sarae419 Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 (edited) Hi everyone I apologize in advance if this ends up long. Really need some input. A little over a year ago I lost my fiance and love of my life unexpectedly in a car accident. I was fully convinced I would/could never have feelings for anyone else. About 9 months after he passed (five months ago now) I reunited with an old guy friend of mine on Facebook. I hadn't seen him in about three years we hadn't been super close, we had mutual friends and I never had ANY interest in him romantically. However he was a super nice guy and I thought I'd enjoy hanging out with him again. We ended up having an amazing time and started getting together on a regular basis. I realized I was developing feelings for him because for the first time since I'd lost my fiance I wasn't thinking about him when spending time with someone else. Eventually we ended up sleeping together. At this point I (maybe stupidly) told him how I felt. He became upset and we had a pretty long talk about how he thinks there's something wrong with him. He dosent feel he was in love with any of his girlfriends. He dosent even say I love You to his nieces and nephews etc. Said he loves me but is not IN love with me. He was tearing up talking about how he dosent know what's wrong with him. That hurt obviously but he was rapidly becoming my best friend and I didn't want to lose him from my life. So for the last five months here's the situation. He texts me daily a good morning before work and we usually chat a few hours when he gets out. About two months ago I was moving from one apartment to another and the new one wasn't ready for move in on time. He offered immediately that I stay with him for the week. Bought me dinner or cooked every night, made sure my car had fluids, shoveled it out every morning etc. He always holds me when we go to sleep. Kisses me goodbye. Just a lot of little things like we went to dinner the other night and he stood right behind me I said what are u doing he said I just want to keep the wind off of you. The thing is on a pretty regular basis I address this "not in love with me" issue and its not good. He apologizes says he feels terrible which makes him mad. I end up grilling him because I'm hurt and confused by it. I told him I don't want to be sitting back and all of a sudden he meets someone. He said he's not interested in dating anyone. I also said I want him to tell me if he starts talking to someone. He said he would but it's not going to happen. I actually got so fed up I went on a blind date about a month ago and he responded" have fun" I wanted to strangle him. I'm just at a loss. His actions and words don't line up. As I said he's the first guy I've really had feeling for since I buried my fiance which makes me even.more sensitive I guess. I'm starting to feel stupid. I'm bringing it up more and more with him and I think I'm pushing him away. Can a guy be in love with you and just not be able to say it? Is it possible he really CANT feel those feelings? Am I an idiot for sticking around? I apologize this was so long but any insight would be so appreciated. I really love him but I've never run into this before. I'm at a loss. Thanks so much. Edited March 17, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
Mrin Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Hmmm it doesn't sound like it is just you. He feels (or doesn't feel as the case may be) this way about everyone. I wouldn't take it too personally. I would suggest that he go see a therapist to learn more about this condition. It obviously bothers him. 1
mammasita Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Are you having sex? Do you kiss passionately? Does he look in your eyes when and if you have sex?
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Just because he treats you a certain way doesn't mean he's in love with or sees a future with you...that's something you've got to get through your head because from a guy's point of view it doesn't make sense why you're so confused when he's already told you what he wants..or doesn't want, so why read into irrelevant details? That's his point of view. He cares about you, and obviously doesn't want to treat you like a piece of meat...which women don't want to feel like, so why are you surprised he's treating you with kindness? He's got a history with you, maybe if he didn't at all and didn't care that you lost your fiance then he likely would have moved on from you already. He acts out of sympathy not love. You need to stop pressuring and harassing the guy for more than what it is, youre just being immature and naive and never going to get anywhere with him, and you obviously fell for him out of great emotional vulnerability and to fill a void. It's not what you think it is, you need to just realize and accept that because you're reading into the typical woman things, it doesn't mean he feels a certain way doing them...you're making him angry because you keep thinking it does...you obviously can't accept that judging by your behavior so let me make it clear if you haven't figured it out....he isn't in love with you and never will be...move on. 2
Buddhist Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 (edited) Personally, I'm extremely wary of grown adults who have trouble dealing with their own emotions like this. At the very least it points to someone with arrested development and hangups that are going to be longterm issues in the relationship. But you'll have to decide for yourself what his behaviour means to you and how much of it you are willing to excuse in order to be with him. I was onboard with the, oh....maybe he just doesn't express it in words until he couldn't care less about you dating other people. Then I was like, well it doesn't sound like he wants exclusivity and is quite happy to have sex and cuddles without commitment. I think you are in an extremely vulnerable place, having lost the love of your life less than a year ago and still grieving for him. I don't see this type of arrangement as really being all that good for you in that context. The tears and drama of it all are just crocodile tears so you don't blow up at him for not wanting a real relationship. It's a manipulation to get you to think that the big I love you moment will come at some point if you just hang in there. No it won't. Edited March 17, 2015 by Buddhist 1
Redhead14 Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Just because he treats you a certain way doesn't mean he's in love with or sees a future with you...that's something you've got to get through your head because from a guy's point of view it doesn't make sense why you're so confused when he's already told you what he wants..or doesn't want, so why read into irrelevant details? That's his point of view. He cares about you, and obviously doesn't want to treat you like a piece of meat...which women don't want to feel like, so why are you surprised he's treating you with kindness? He's got a history with you, maybe if he didn't at all and didn't care that you lost your fiance then he likely would have moved on from you already. He acts out of sympathy not love. You need to stop pressuring and harassing the guy for more than what it is, youre just being immature and naive and never going to get anywhere with him, and you obviously fell for him out of great emotional vulnerability and to fill a void. It's not what you think it is, you need to just realize and accept that because you're reading into the typical woman things, it doesn't mean he feels a certain way doing them...you're making him angry because you keep thinking it does...you obviously can't accept that judging by your behavior so let me make it clear if you haven't figured it out....he isn't in love with you and never will be...move on. I agree with this. He is just being gentlemanly. If he hadn't been so specific about his inability to love and knows that he has a significant issue, I might say he's just hesitant or holding back for some reason. This man is content with the illusion of a relationship because he knows he is incapable of having a "real" relationship. He wants companionship, he wants sex. It's about basic human needs for him. He told you to "have fun" on your blind date, because he's not connected to you emotionally. He's not trying to hang on to you, you're hanging on to him. And, he's not trying to be some evil person who is stringing you along. He's been upfront with you and, as long as you are willing to continue with him, he'll accept that. He doesn't want to lose you because you're meeting his basic needs and won't be the one to end it. He's leaving that to you. 2
Satu Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Are you hoping to recreate the relationship you had with your lost love? Obviously you're not consciously trying to do that, but the subconscious is bigger than the conscious. There is no way you have completed your grieving in such a short time, and that's the most troublesome part of all this. To be honest, I think you are trying to avoid the grief by being involved with this man. I might be wrong, but I don't think I am. Tough love, sorry.
preraph Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 If except for this debate you guys are having, you feel there is enough there and that he might be a good man for the long-term, I see a perfect opportunity here for couples counseling with a psychologist to work out both your bugs and see if it's fixable. 1
Author sarae419 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Posted March 17, 2015 (edited) I appreciate everyones replies. Im sure some part of me is looking to fill that void from the loss. I also do appreciate thats hes been upfront with me. I guess the bottom line is i didnt want to hear it since it feels so differently on my end. To answer the question yes he does kiss me like it means something and says i love you shen we part ways and i believe him but i think it ends there, as hard as it is for me to accept he dosent feel what i do. Ive decided to cool things off and if that means we go our seperate ways so be it. I think its just going to stress us both out to continue like this. Thanks again to everyone for their advice Edited March 17, 2015 by sarae419 1
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