muffin Posted April 10, 2005 Posted April 10, 2005 My friend (no, it isn't me, it's a friend of mine), has been living with a guy about 3 years. They are both around 40. He has never worked more than 6 months total in all this time they've been together. In the past year his record is probably one month. Some jobs last two weeks or even one day. He has done maintenance work, delivering pizza or phone books, helping out at a thrift store, or some other kind of job any high school drop out could do (no offense to anyone, just making a point). Usually he is fired or quits because he gets into a personality conflict with someone on the job. This guy supposedly has a college degree somewhere in his background, and he's doing low end jobs, I'm thinking because they are easy to get out of. My friend keeps insisting he's really trying, he puts in applications all the time, goes to temp agencies, etc. I don't know how she really knows this, she works all day full time and goes to school too. Many nights she is studying and he is out with friends, sometimes until 2 or 3 am. This woman is intelligent and very responsible, I can't believe she doesn't see what's happening. Their relationship is more like one of a mother and son than boyfriend and girlfriend. She takes care of him like he's her child. She even talks in a baby-talk voice to him on the phone, it's nauseating sometimes. I know he tells her he loves her over the phone, etc. but I'm thinking since he's been with her this long is it love, or is he getting a free ride? I know when he's not working she is paying all the rent and bills, she has to be. I think he is just making her think he's looking for work. How could a 40 year old man not be able to get a job doing something, in a year's time? Even working at a fast food or stocking shelves at Wal Mart...anything just to help pay the rent. Recently she mentioned to him she wants to try to get a house but he suggested a two bedroom apartment instead. She obviously isn't concerned about his comment but it tells me he is not wanting any commitment, even a rental house. So far he hasn't married her, and isn't interested in getting a house. I wonder what this loser is doing with his life, period. Nothing it sounds like. I don't say much to my friend because I am not good at confrontations and I don't want to hurt her and put a rift in our friendship. I've known her about 5 years now, and I really don't know her bf all that well, or how he really feels. Any ideas about what this guy might be up to? Should I keep out of it?
BigB Posted April 10, 2005 Posted April 10, 2005 This guy sounds like a grade A looser. Your friend needs to give him a swift kick in ass, and tell him to shape up, or ship out. However, I wouldn't suggest getting in the middle of it.
GirlDown Posted April 10, 2005 Posted April 10, 2005 i'm with bigB. i dated one of these, too. it never changed after nearly 10 years. and i'm only 23...well, almost 24
Mr Spock Posted April 11, 2005 Posted April 11, 2005 Some women need to mother-if she's OK with it, leave it be.
BigB Posted April 11, 2005 Posted April 11, 2005 Only other thing I can think of is this. If she shows some frustration with the situation by complaining about him you could give her some friendly advise to give him an ultimatum.
lost_in_chgo Posted April 11, 2005 Posted April 11, 2005 an utlimatum is the same thing as leaving, but with a little more drama. He isn't going to change. I'll bet there's a 3 lb bag of pot on the table by the couch.
GirlDown Posted April 11, 2005 Posted April 11, 2005 Originally posted by lost_in_chgo an utlimatum is the same thing as leaving, but with a little more drama. He isn't going to change. I'll bet there's a 3 lb bag of pot on the table by the couch. hahaha, and mine was a huge pothead too. i mean, don't get me wrong, i have known plenty of functional pot smokers, but my ex was not one of them. he eventually turned to other stuff, right under my nose and i never knew...figures. he started while i was away at school. i guess he missed me so much he had to escape reality. whatever. i got rid of him 2 and a half years ago and never looked back. people like this seldom change, and on the off chance that they do, it's not by staying with the enabler. bluh. what an annoying situation. who wants to deal with that if they don't have to?
BigB Posted April 11, 2005 Posted April 11, 2005 Originally posted by lost_in_chgo I'll bet there's a 3 lb bag of pot on the table by the couch. I was thinking the same thing.
Author muffin Posted April 12, 2005 Author Posted April 12, 2005 Funny you all mention the pot, she was with a pot smoker several years ago. He was also the kind who didn't work or take any responsibility or commit to her. She put up with him for six long years and she refers to him as such a loser, but now here she is again doing the same thing with another loser...and although I don't know if he's into pot, he drinks quite a bit. A different kind of friend might point out repeating the same pattern, but I just can't bring myself to say anything to her.
brashgal Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 Unless she is complaining, I can't think of a graceful way to bring it up and even if I could, she wouldn't listen. I have known many women like this with men like that - somehow the guy is bringing something to the relationship - great sex? entertainment? emotional support? She has to be fed up with the situation before she'll do anything. It sucks standing by and watching though, doesn't it?
lost_in_chgo Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 somehow the guy is bringing something to the relationship he's bringing his pathetic self and she's trying to save him or be his mommy It makes her feel better about herself to be with a complete loser. If she was with someone who had his act together, she'd feel inferior, sabotage it, and go get another loser. Insecurity in spades It's a white trash thing, you wouldn't understand.
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