Blue08 Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I have been battling this question and I would outside opinions. My ex husband and are divorced. I have my moments where I feel like I will not ever get better and I miss our family life, terribly. Our children, Our home, playing outside and enjoying our children. I wonder if I had made a horrible mistake. He lives in the home we shared, because it was passed down from his parents, I was also a stay at home mom for 8yrs, we have 2 children together, and I had one with someone else at 17. But my ex is his father my son knew no different. I was alone a lot, we lived in a very secluded place 8hrs away from my hometown. I never made any friends, I am very "shy" and reserved it takes a long time to warm up with people, I also have very low self esteem and fear or of judgment. (probably from growing up with my alcoholic father.) I made breakfast, lunch, and had dinner on the table as soon as we pulling into the driveway. I had his slippers waiting by the door and clothes put in the bathroom for his shower. I took all of the responsibility of the children, very seldom did he ever have to wake early for the children. I tried, I tried my hardest to make him happy. It made me feel good, to support him. He did bring me tea and do little sweet things. He would constant criticize me on how I did things, from small chores to how I raised our Children. It would make me feel awful, because it was me 24/7 and like any human you get exhausted and the only we to catch a break would sometimes be to just let it go. We would constantly fight over my oldest, I felt that it was wrong the way he went out about disciplining him. The first time my son had an accident ( he was 2) my ex threatened to clean his butt with lysol all purpose cleaner because he wanted it to burn so he wouldn't do it again. I said no and he we argued about it in front of my son. Then not to long after that he smacked me in front of my son for disagreeing with him in front of him. I was furious, he ended up apologizing and never did it again. then when my son was 4 he had accidents in his bed. my ex believed he was doing it on purpose and spanked him so hard, that it left welts on his butt. (this just makes me sick reliving this) their were countless times he spanked him, hard! I would try and hug my son and he wanted nothing to do with me. I would fight and fight with him. As a mother I would tell this is what he needs! he need love and his confidence built and he would argue back and say he is the was he is because of me. this is how i felt our relationship was my opinion or idea did not matter, because his was better! My son had accidents until he was 8, every Sat morning would be a battle, he would purposely call my sons goodnights, "diapers" to try and shame him out of wetting the bed. I would tell him to stop, right in front of my son. He would ask well, what are you doing about it? Well, I had spoken with the Dr. I was so sick of fighting I ended up going to see a behavioral therapist, My ex was going because he wanted the therapist to say that there was something wrong with my son. Well, there is nothing wrong with him. I also was very honest in our sessions and the therapist told my ex he was probably making the accidents worse and that I was doing the right thing for sticking up for him. My ex didn't like his opinion and disregarded it because the therapist does not have children of his own. fights continued and we stopped going to therapy. the last time he hurt my son was 2yrs ago, my ex did not allow my son to have blankets because he did not get them out of the dryer and make his bed, so in the night he climbed into his younger brothers bed to get warm. He ended up having an accident and my ex went up in the morning, picked him up shoved his face in the mattress and through him on the floor and left for work. My son had ended up telling me what had happened before he went to school. I called his parents, which his mother laughed off, as always. I called the school counselor, I had no idea what to do! there came a day when I had nothing left, I did not want to try, it was all gone. I met some one and I left. Then my ex wanted to try and I just didn't have it. I spent 8yrs trying, where was he? He still constantly criticizes me, calls me a morond in front of my children. just recently my 2yr old got a bloody nose at my sons sporting event. My ex was there and I was hugging my 2yr old and consoling him. He got on my case about that, in front of everyone. I don't feel like consoling my 2yr old after he just bumped his nose a bad thing, maybe Im wrong? I didn't have any money i couldn't afford a lawyer. My 2 youngest sons live with him during the school week and my oldest lives with me. my ex's mother watched my two boys and kills me. I have to ask for permission to see my children, I only get them 6 days out of the month. My ex makes all the choices for them still with out consulting me also. He has made me feel like a bad mom, painted a picture that I am not good enough. I love my children dearly I was there for them, for everything. I know i am not perfect, but I am a good person. I know I had an affair and what I did was awful and I take responsibility for it. But how was there any other way out? How do you deplete the people you "love" and expect nothing to happen?
LifesontheUp Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Yes it is. We are currently adopting a child that has been treated similar -/mental and emotional abuse. Do not let him do that, the repercussions for your kids is terrifying. He is not a good father or role model
KBarletta Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 maybe Im wrong? No, you're not wrong. Judging from what you have shared, your ex has consistently been abusive to both you and your children - mentally, verbally and physically. If you witness any physical abuse in the future I would contact the authorities and get it on the record. In many cases, documented abuse is considered to be a "change in circumstance" that can cause the courts to reconsider a custody order. Of course, this would require legal advice which I am not here to give you. If you can find free or affordable legal advice on this issue, I would advise you to do so, as this does not sound like an ideal situation for your kids. Good luck.
LifeNomad Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 im sorry your going through this. its ok to miss the old family life, I still do miss mine in your case though it sounds you should talk to a lawyer, get a free consultation at least to see what your options are.
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