from ND Posted April 10, 2005 Posted April 10, 2005 OK, I havent been on here for a while. Heres the deal, I met this woman 2 years ago. we lived together for almost 7 months, then I went to Seattle after I discovered she cheated. after I leave she goes on a drug binge, gets busted, gets in trouble, a year ago I went back to the state we are from, back in the relationship but not living together, we were living on opposite ends of the state, but then last labor day I moved to where she was. she had an apartment, pretty soon I moved out because i suspected she was seing/sleeping with other guys, I found out this other dude was paying her phonebill. so i moved downtown, she came over drunk 2 weeks after we broke up, and wanted to spend the night. The next morning I left to go to treatment, we havent talked in 5 months, notr a phone call, letter anything. I wrote a letter to her 3 weeks ago, just appologizing for the things that I had said and done, and i guess I wasn't hoping it would cause a reconciliation, but just kind of clear the air in case I were to run into her ever again, since it was a nasty breakup. I sent the letter to her moms because I didnt know her address. well about a week ago, I get a phone call from her...she is in a regional jail, for violating her probation. I didnt ask her any questions about how she ended up there. so she was crying on the other end, telling me she loves me and if Im gonna come and visit her there. I guess what I want to know is, after she called, I got alot of feelings come rushing back, I mean things have been going ok without her to be honest, but I found out I still really care for her alot. I look back on the whole relationship and there were some REALLY bad times, like cheating, lying etc. from her, my fear is that I can never trust her, yet, in the last 5 months, no one else has entered the picture for me, mainly because im not ready for something new, I also wonder if maybe she just called to get money from me??? Like I have no idea what shes been up to the last 5 months. also in my letter i wrote that I hope she had a guy who treated her good, would she have called from jail, if she had someone else. ???? I look at if I went to jail, hadnt heard from my ex in 5 mos, they write me a letter telling me they are sorry for things that happened and wish me well, if i had a girlfriend, i probably wouldnt call her, especially from jail, that would be grounds for the ex to laugh or something, but I dont know what to think, I mean I am in recovery too, and whenever i have been around or involved with this ex, one of us ends up using again, so for ME, I think if shes locked up for drugs, then I have to stay away. ok, now for the feelings part, how do I feel? well, I miss her, and I definitley still care about her, but then when i think of the amount of time we were together versus the amount of bad things that went down, with her cheating, etc, plus whenever we fight, she talks about her ex, the mistrust, TRUST issues are big, I think, well I cant fix her, and if she wont change for herself, then its unhealthy, I guess I want opinions on what she is possibly thinking, like she knows im doing good now, im happy, have a great job, all this since our breakup, and she is in jail, She is the ONE who ended the relationship as well, she said " Im not taking you back", thats what i keep hearing in my head, so I m anylizing her phone call. what does she want...??????
mixwell Posted April 11, 2005 Posted April 11, 2005 I think deep down she really knows that you are the only one that truely loves her and cares about her. She trusts you more than this other person. Thats just my take on it all.. I dont know if this means she wants to reconcile but like I said I think its more of she trusts you.
Author from ND Posted April 11, 2005 Author Posted April 11, 2005 well, I wondered that myself, after all, I proposed to this girl last August, she didnt say yes or no....she said "I'll think about it", after that I gave up, I mean now I wonder why she comes out saying she loves me, if its because she is locked up and knows that I would send her $ or write, or she really feels this way. I have been working on what I can do to change me the last 5 mos, This relationship was very unhealthy yet, the element to it, where we always end up back in touch with each other when one is in trouble or hurting tells me there is sincere love on both ends, I am fearfull to write her and disclose my feelings, out of fear she would use it to her advantage, yet she showed no shame by calling me from jail, when she knows I could ve been mean to her or spitefull and hung up, becasue she dumped me, so I guess that says something for her, right? Im just confused because, the feelings are still there, and I would get back together with her, but Im afraid of where it will go, I guess for the sake of both of us staying sober this time, you know? thats whats most important to me, I told her in my letter I just want to see her happy in life. which really I do, but I ve been analyzing the phone call in my mind, trying to put myself in her shoes, how she is feeling, what she is thinking, I think maybe if I dont go visit her or act like i want to get back to gether she will think I dont care, I just dont know, I DO know I love her despite whats happened or will happen,I learned alot in this relationship, about forgiveness and devotion. she is facing possibly 3 yr prison sentance, would I stay with her, Yes i would, i need more feedback Please.
HoldOn Posted April 11, 2005 Posted April 11, 2005 Hello, fromND, wow. What a toxic relationship that is. I think it would probably be good to find out why she is in jail in the first place. If she is in for 3 years, that's got to be something serious. Regarding her motives. Why did she call? She's probably lonely. She kinda knows she can manipulate you and she wants companionship, compassion and all that. Although, she is not trying to be mean and manipulate, that is the result. Because she thinks of herself above you. You know, people don't change. There is a difference between cheating on someone ONCE, in the heat of the moment and being a serial cheater. I believe this one is a serial cheater and you could never be completely at peace with her. She sounds like the type of girl who can easily manipulate men, so that's what she does, in order to get her needs met. You are always going to have a trust issue with her. What if she comes home 15 minutes late. You'll be thinking "who is she with?! What is she doing?" You'll never be able to relax. Try this: Imagine your perfect partner and your perfect relationship. Imagine one day in that life and what it would feel like to completely trust someone and feel perfectly at ease in their love for you. This is a feeling you will never get from this woman. The more time you spend thinking about her, is time that you could be spending looking for someone else. The more time you spend at home brooding over the relationship is the more time you could spend in real life, out with your friends, finding someone who isn't toxic. So I think the sooner you get out there (even if you don't feel like it right now) the sooner you will find the right person for you. Sounds like you are getting your life back on track, with the rehab and stuff. Reconnecting with this woman will put you right back onto square one. I think it's time to move on.
mixwell Posted April 11, 2005 Posted April 11, 2005 I think it wouldn't hurt to be there for her but don't make it to the point where it might end undoing all the effort you have worked on ! I know that if my ex were in trouble I'd be there for her. Even though we don't really talk and she has another b/f. Its still the fact that I love this person and care about them ! I dont think you are losing face or should worry about the relationship. Think of it as a person that you care about and want to be there for.. I wouldn't look at it in a relationship view but more of a someone that loves and cares view. Like family you know ? I think that when people get a reality check sometimes they realize they need people that really care about them.. Just like even your parents. Yeah my parents used to call me and I would get annoyed because I wanted to go out with my friends and all that but honestly they were the ones that were there for me durning my breakup and would do anything for me. When it comes down to it family is all you have that you can trust. Maybe she is the child that needs her parents help (YOU) I know this sounds confusing but like I said before, she knows that you are there and you honestly care about her and love her !! I think she would appreciate it if you did this to help her through this and she might even realize how much you care and how genuine you are about her !! Thats about all I can think of for advice. Im just trying to analyze it as well and this is what I have concluded !! I also agree with HoldOn though she might just be taking advantage of you and you might be setting yourself up for some more pain and suffering. Its hard to tell because only your ex knows what her motives are and I doubt you will know the truth of her motives !! Hope it helps ! Take Care.
HoldOn Posted April 11, 2005 Posted April 11, 2005 yes, but maybe it will mess him up to "be there for her" Can he really separate his romantic feelings for her from his friendly feelings for her? I think it would be really hard to do this. I can just imagine him waiting patiently for 3 years for her to get out, then she gets out and breaks his heart again...
Author from ND Posted April 11, 2005 Author Posted April 11, 2005 Yes, that is my fear, I have been sober and clean since the day I left this woman, not to say it was her fault because ultimatley the choice to drink and party was my own, I could have done it in Isolation, My confusion lies in the fact that I met her in Recovery, then things got bad, then better, then bad again, Its like, I wonder sometimes if this is who i am supposed to be with, and I think, well, with this many problems I have serious doubts. I dont want to mess up my recovery, part of my deal is making amends to the people I hurt. I knew sooner or later I would have to appologize to her, just admitting my own fault disregarding hers, and this is how it got startrted, I men with the letter and phone call etc. Right now I feel like, by being a friend for her, would be good, but Hold On is right, the emotional attachment is still there in a strong way, I mean there are other females i associate with, and I guess it helps to not be "stuck" on this one person. You know hold on, you did help me to realize something that i need to thank you for, Its like when shes locked up....this time and last year, I feel bad, but yet Im not stressed out like you say, with the "cheating, lying, mistrust, which sounds sick and heartless in a way, but you helped me to see the unhealthyness in that, like when it comes to trust, I only feel trustful when she is in custody, wow, relationships arent supossed to be like that, yeah and here i am giving advice on Trust, I mean its true though, I need those elements with anyone or it wont work OK, so i guess my next question is, If I am capable of change is she? like there is really no way i can do anything for her right now except to write, and theres a part of me that says to not, because i want for her to get help, I was able to see where I enabled her in the past, by giving her $ etc. she also asked if I would come visit. It is 200 miles from where I live, this is something I dont know if Im prepared for, To see her locked up, I mean you care, yet it rips you up at the same time, plus, It has been 5 months, I havent even seen her, nothing, theres a fear there too. Yeah, I think I will heed your advice Hold On, my recovery need to come 1st. Its hard when you love someone still, yet you know being with them is unhealthy. Thank you guys
HoldOn Posted April 11, 2005 Posted April 11, 2005 You know, you can care for someone without being in your life. You don't have to hate her, you just have to realize that you can't be with her. It is better for both of you. My ex really screwed up my life, ($30,000 in debt) but I don't hate him. I just know that I can't be with him. And when I let him go, it was like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. No more waiting up until 4 or 5 in the morning for him to come home. No more wondering if he was dead on the street because he hadn't called me and I knew he was drunk driving. No more CRAZY mind games! Man, I used to cry all the time Now, I am dating a wonderful guy. He has NEVER been late and made me worry like my ex did. He comes home every night! (Something my ex never did.) I never think he is hooking up with other girls and I feel soooo much happier. This is what life is supposed to be like. It took me forever to let go of my ex. About 3 years from when I should have. I could have been happier so much sooner if I had realized I was worth something.
moon Posted April 11, 2005 Posted April 11, 2005 You are obviously being 100 percent honest in your post, because your relationship sounds like a made for TV movie or just a nightmare. I only wanted to say sorry. What a rough time you are having. The girl sounds no good. She's going to keep using you. That's just my take on it. I think she knows you love her, but also she knows she can use you. She is a highly dysfunctional person--HIGHLY. Is she already a felon, then? You said she's already been in jail. Well, you know about the only jobs she's going to be able to get are waitress and cleaning lady. Many felons have a hard time getting through life. Seriously, I'd just stay away from that woman. If you were able to say she had made some mistakes with herself (drugs and what not) but had been fairly good by you--then maybe. But added to the chaos is the fact that she's been cheating you blind. I think this is a very co-dependent relationship. It's too bad you love her. I know that's probably what hurts most of all. But seriously, I'd cut ties with this women. Get YOURSELF as much support as you can. Join groups, AA, whatever and try to gain strength. If she woman approachs you in a few years, healed and ready to ACTUALLY respect you and herself then maybe......but at this time it sounds like she's just going to drag you down with her. She's in jail for God's sake. Yes, a very toxic relationship indeed. Your story doesn't sound too promising. Sorry again.....but you can still save yourself!! Good luck.
Author from ND Posted April 11, 2005 Author Posted April 11, 2005 Yeah, Thanks for that Moon, and HoldoN , Thats what I need is other peoples feedback, I mean I look at my priorities now, #1 is take care of me, and stay sober, Im in aa, they tell you in there no relationship (serious) for at least a year, I think the biggest thing I learned out of all of this is that, I can't change someone else, just myself, also, It sucks to see her hurt but the reality is, she gets in trouble whether Im in the picture or not, I look at the other aspect now that I didn t see, and that is the enabling, by me staying in touch, (even though I wish it could be a normal relationship, or at least have the stuff that was there in the beginning, the trust and bond that i felt, ) Is actually enabling her to not deal with her issues, because she knows I am at her disposal, In my letter to her, I wrote that I wish to be a "friend" and care about her wellbeing, Also, in being HONEST, suppose we did get back together, even though you arent with someone for 5 months their business is theirs and yours is yours, Im not sure I would want to know all the details of what shes been doing. when we broke up last fall, I just remember thinikng, how I regreted moving down there to be with her when I knew she wouldnt change, like I kind of lied to myself thinking that. part of me argues theres a reason we met, and the logical part says it was to go through some times to find out who I am as a person, I just dont know. Since her phone call, she has been on my mind, I have been finding its pulling me away from the contentment I had before because Im worrying about her one minute, angry the next, and mainly confused.
moon Posted April 11, 2005 Posted April 11, 2005 I can't change someone else, just myself, also, It sucks to see her hurt but the reality is, she gets in trouble whether Im in the picture or not That's very true! I am sure this woman has no difficulty finding messes for herself to get into. Another part of relinguishing your control as a co-dependent is realizing that this woman will get better or worse with out your help too. And I am sure she'll find somebody else to lean on. That's probably her MO. When she falls she goes looking around for somebody to pick her up. Why does that have to be you? She has treated you horribly. I'd seriously let her reach her own conclusions and let her clean up her own messes. She seems to have no problem what-so-ever making them for herself. She sounds like a wreck. Good for you for getting help with AA and staying sober. Keep in touch with that group and ask for help from them. That's what those people are there for. Good luck.
BigB Posted April 11, 2005 Posted April 11, 2005 I'd bet she wants money. My Dad works in a prison, He's always telling me stories about inmates who have 5-7 people setup sending them money every month. Boyfriends, Girlfriends, mothers, wives, etc. and none of them know about each other.
Author from ND Posted April 11, 2005 Author Posted April 11, 2005 Yeah, Big B, she wanted me to take my phone off the blocker so she could call me collect,,,,,,,,,,,,call me collect but I havent heard from you in 5 months ...yeah OK.............I mean, she was crying too, but the trust man...you can't see the other end of the phone, who did she call after me????who did she call before me??? You know, as I read the replies tonite, Im getting more of a reality check...I really really appreciate all the posts,,....Thats the Key issue, I can t trust her, and the communication sucks, unresolved issues w/ her ex, yeah forget it, I need to live life for me........I can pray for her and move forward, thats the game plan. Thank You everyone.
Author from ND Posted April 12, 2005 Author Posted April 12, 2005 well guess who called yesterday aft??? it was HER, I got about 40 questions, like if I will come out there/ will I come visit etc. I feel pretty good, because I initiated boundaries, 1/2 way thru the convo (we talked maybe 15 mins), she mentions this dude, not that she had been seeing him after me, although I would wager she was, but she fessed up that they shared a cellular phone acct together, the weird thing is, when she told me, i really dint care, like I mean I thought I would be feeling the feelings like I felt when I found out she cheated, but I thought, well not really my problem. Anyhow, she kept saying she love and miss me, like I am glad i posted on here because the feedback I got from all of you was running through my mind during our coversation, Things like take care of me 1st, and dont allow myself to be disrespected, I think she noticed that because when i said i had to go, she startted freaking out "like why???" and "when can I call you again???" that made me feel uncomfortable, like I don't really know. I tried to just be a listener for her, because I can relate with Jail, but I mean theres not much I can do, and after the last few times, Its SOOOOOOOO hard to begin to believe alot of what she says and trust her, I just dont know This is the hard part, someone you were with 2 yrs, that you lived with to boot, and you split, you dont hear from them in 5 mos, now they are facing 3 yr in prison, like it has me asking alot of questions, Its like why can't she get it??? stay out of trouble i mean, Its not really my issue to deal with, like how do you be a friend to someone you were intimately involved with after they did so much to hurt you and practically destroy you emnotionally, and then after you are starting to get better and feel great they resurface, like I m wondering am I supposed to be with her, forget her, help her, what?????? Its a Paradox, for every good thing theres a bad, like, I dont know, I keep tellin myself, I cant change her she willalways be this way, then another part says, Maybe this time will be different, when i know its plain insanity, I hate what she did to me, but yet shes a human being can anyone relate with this struggle????
HoldOn Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 Well, congratulations on keeping a good head on your shoulders. You can be her friend if you want, but listen, she doesn't really need you. I swear she'll survive. She's just laying a guilt trip on you to get your companionship and help. Why didn't you hear from her before she went to prison??/ huh? Was she hanging out with cell-phone guy? If you want to be a good friend, but all you have to do is listen when she calls and get off the phone after a few minutes. Its a Paradox, for every good thing theres a bad This is how you know that it is NOT meant to be. When it is right, there might be a few insignificant bad things that irritate you. But the good things should far far far outnumber the bad. You don't need her and she doesn't need you. Please take care of yourself.
ilovemes Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 Me and my boyfriend starting going out 4 months ago. Last weekend he cheated on me and he told that he cheated on me yesterday. He went to the beach with his friends and they rented a whole entire hotel floor. They were up there partying and he says that he got really really drunk and didn't realize what he had done until he wake up the next morning. We are taking a break right now to figure out if i still want to stay with him or not. I really love him a lot and don't know what to do. I don't want to loss him because he is the only guy i have ever date that has treated great. But he made one little mistake, should that little mistake be the end of our relationship. Please i need some help?????????????
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